revisiting a topic.sleeping together

[klim]

How do I get to the point where I can say to my boys Age 18 and 20

"NG is staying over tonight"

Or  a little easier but still

" I'm staying over at NG's"

 

I go on vacation with him, Went on a mini overnight in the city and had no trouble telling them. Even phoned and said I was staying over because of some snow we had.I'm ok as long is there is a reason. But I can't seem to just say I am doing this because I want to.

 

Any advice?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sugarbell]

Your kids are older than mine...But NG sleeping here is still sketchy...most nights he ends up on the couch.😳

 

However, when I go on a trip with him or stay over at his house (without my 3 little bodyguards) I just say "I am staying at NGs house tonight"-No one questions it. Not there house-nor in front of them..they don't care.

 

Haven't tackled it in my place yet though. Still sneaking like a teenager.

[Trying]

Waiting for some advice on this subject too! We have done one weekend away that the kids knew about and just stayed at his sisters one night after Christmas but no sleepovers at my house or his that they know about.  With teens/young adults it's tricky because I feel like it's an announcement that their mom is having sex with this man. 

 

At some point I guess I need to bite the bullet, we have a tentative plan of him moving in next fall so some sleep overs before then seems logical as a way to introduce the idea to them.

 

Any advice of what worked or what not to do is appreciated!

[mmg19]

My kids are younger too so no sleepovers here or his home.  We had one overnight out of town for an event but kids stayed with grandparents.  I have no suggestions or advice but just wanted to let you know I understand how parenting and new relationships have no user manual and are hard to navigate. 

[klim]

"With teens/young adults it's tricky because I feel like it's an announcement that their mom is having sex with this man.": Trying

 

This is exactly my problem.

My 20 year old has a girlfriend and she has stayed over a few times as she lives in another city( they met a uni). I can joke about it with him ..winkwink nudge nudge type thing, asking how comfortable was the couch in his room, for sleeping etc.

 

I just wish I could relax , not over think and see how it pans out.

 

I think my older son would be amenable to it but the 18 year old is tighter wound and has yet to have a serious relationship, so couldn't relate as easily, and therefore will have more of a difficult time.

 

Still waiting for the magic answer...even googled it.....one suggested a all inclusive slumber party....but I think that was for younger kids

[serpico]

This is a tough one.  My fianc?e has a hard time with the fact that I don't let her sleep in my bed when my kids are home, but she accepts it.  I'm Catholic and she's not, which accounts for some of our differences in this regard, but she also says that her kids wouldn't relate our sleeping together with sex, while mine definitely would.

 

I admit to being a hypocrite in that my faith teaches abstinence before marriage, but at the same time I want to set a good example for my kids.  Like most things in widowhood, it's a difficult balance.

[Portside]

This is a potential minefield.

 

No young man wants his mother to get in the sack with a man not his father. It's even tough when you are married but that will go down easier.

 

This was how I played it when I was dating my now wife: The kids, both her's and mine, never saw us share a room either at her house or mine (or even when we all traveled together) until after we were married. Not that we waited to be intimate until then, but we sure as hell never let the doubt be removed for the kids until then. 

 

It may be considered old-fashioned, but we found both my teenage and adult sons and Rs would have been very, very upset had we chosen to share a room before we were married.

 

It worked for us.

 

Good luck - Happy New Year!

 

Mike

 

 

 

 

[MrsDan]

I think you know your kids and what they are comfortable with. I used to feel like this was a very black and white area; no sleepovers while kids are at home. But honestly, what that often translates into is the parent sacrificing a lot of fulfillment and happiness. I used to think parents should be willing to sacrifice anything for their kids. But now, I really question whether it's fair to expect single parents to sacrifice the intimacy and closeness that comes with sleeping with someone they truly care about, and I'm not particularly just talking about sex.

 

I asked NG to spend the night last night and he was surprised; he hasn't met DD and didn't realize it was an option. I was okay with it for a few reasons. First, I knew I would get her up and out for school before he got up; she would never see him. Second, being busy single parents with demanding careers limits our time spent together, and this was a way we could carve more time. Once he meets her, which I hope will be soon, I expect that he will continue to spend some nights. She won't see him in my room, and she's too young to understand the implications anyway. I realize with older kids it's harder. But while I do believe in modeling behavior we'd like to see our kids carry out, I also think it's important to make a distinction between what's acceptable for the parent to do, vs. what's okay for the kids to do. Is it acceptable for two middle aged adults in a committed relationship to share a bedroom, and (presumably have sex?) Yes. Is it acceptable for teenagers? No. That's not hypocrisy, that's reality.

[daysofelijah]

It's a tough thing to move forward with. NG and I will be intimate after the kids are asleep, but sleep overs aren't an option yet. I have 4 kids (12,11,8,4) and he has 2 (18,15). So neither of us has a kid free house to spend nights at unfortunately. It leaves me feeling like a big part of being together is missing. But it's pretty impossible right now. I'm not sure when I will feel comfortable with it, not until we would be engaged at least I think.

[Abitlost]

How do I get to the point where I can say to my boys Age 18 and 20

"NG is staying over tonight"

Or  a little easier but still

" I'm staying over at NG's"

 

Granted I have a different view of sleepovers than most, but my advice is you say "NG is staying over" or "I'm staying at NG's". I see no harm in kids witnessing a healthy, committed, loving adult relationship and recognizing their remaining parent still has the capacity to love but I do see harm in sneaking or lying. Our kids lost the opportunity to see what a healthy marriage looks and was glad that I could model that with Ex-BF (until all that blew up). Witnessing my parent's marriage was seminal in knowing what I wanted in my own marriage. I never thought 'oh, Mom and Dad are in there having sex!" and I don't think that was what my kids thought either when Ex-BF was here. Even if it was, well, that's part of a healthy relationship.

 

JMTC

 

abl

[anniegirl]

I see no harm in kids witnessing a healthy, committed, loving adult relationship and recognizing their remaining parent still has the capacity to love but I do see harm in sneaking or lying.

 

Agree.

 

At 18 and 20, they know what's going on anyway.

 

But you should do what makes you feel comfortable.

[klim]

Thanks for all the input.....I feel I'm almost there...... and I know I'll be straight forward when I get there.

 

I know it's complicated and up to indiviual personalities and timelines and relgious views.

 

I guess I was just looking for a magic method or at least some reassurance that my family won't implode if I venture forward.

 

I am often torn between my needs,my NG needs  and my interpretation of my boys needs...

 

 

[Trying]

This is a topic I am still struggling with.  We have now had 3 sleep overs here since January and 1 at my sister's for Easter and it has not gone over very well.  I will admit I probably haven't handled it well either, I took the approach of just stating that NG is sleeping over and did not make a big discussion out of it.  I'm still very torn because our goal is for us to get engaged this summer, NG to move in next fall and marry next spring.  They all still feel like I am betraying their father so how is this ever going to work? I am very torn between my kids needs, my needs and NGs needs and I find it very difficult to talk to them about it because they either go on attack mode or just completely shut down.  I know I give in to them too much and give them too much power over my decisions but I hate living in house with constant tension. 

 

Am I expecting too much by wanting them to accept that this relationship is permanent and moving forward?

[Captains wife]

I have a young child so its very different for me and I can imagine that it is very tough for young teens to accept. My ex used to sleep over but he stayed in my room and I slept in my son's room - that is probably extreme but it was what I was most comfortable with and he was understanding of it as well. Is this an option for you, at least for now ? We still had our adult time in the evenings once my son went to bed.

 

I feel that adults should make the decisions in the household but as you are already doing, need to be mindful of grieving kids. Is there a sense that as time moves on they may be more accepting ? Maybe once you are engaged, then he can start staying over with you - as this children accepts this man as their stepfather ? I guess a lot of this depends on how open this topic is with you and your children and it sounds like they are still struggling with accepting someone new. And it sounds like your kids aren't willing to yet accept anyone new, regardless of who it is. So time may help here.

 

But I also don't think our kids should rule what we do in life when we are trying to rebuild a life for ourselves and for them. Do you guys have a therapist you could consult  to maybe help with this (you moving on)? You and your kids are going to need to talk about this to move forward - otherwise I can imagine the tensions will continue to build if you just lay down the law and want them to accept it....Sorry about all this pressure in your life - I know from your posts you are trying to keep everyone in your life happy (and putting some of your own needs aside). Wishing you all the best,

[anniegirl]

Trying, No, you aren't expecting too much.

 

I can't remember how old your kids are but my daughter was kindergarten age when husband and I married (we were both widowed) and though she was happy about it, she had her peevish moments when she simply wanted things to go back to what she knew/had before.

 

Little as she was, she knew how to push buttons and guilt was a favorite and it continued on/off for about a year. Finally, I just sat her down and explained to her that it was not okay for her to try and make me feel bad simply because she was unhappy about this/that. I told her I understood that change was hard and sometimes she would be upset about things but taking it out on me (or anyone else) was wrong and pretty bad habit to get into.

 

She understood our conversation and things improved after that - though she/we still had our moments - but imo, it's perfectly reasonable to inform your children that you know what they are doing and they need to stop. Life sometimes sucks and it's okay to be unhappy, sad and even mad but it's not okay to make you the target of it or expect you to put your life on hold because they would prefer it better that way.

 

My husband had similar conversations with his girls (who were in their early 20's at the time).

 

It's hard when our kids are hurting and we can't really help. They have to find their own way through grief and we can be understanding and give advice, but we can't do it for them.

[Trying]

Thank you CW and Anniegirl.  My boys are 12, 17, and 19.  My relationship with the older 2 has suffered in many ways since their Dad died.  We get into a good rhythm for a while and then something triggers their grief and I am often the target of their emotions.  My oldest has dropped out of college and is home now and while our relationship has improved on the surface his emotional state is very tenuous.  I miss our happy family life and when we have the happy periods I want to hold onto them tightly.  But NG has been my rock, my joy, my hope and I don't know how I would get through my days without him.  There lies my conflict, I want to start a life with him, a real partnership, but I hate rocking the boat with my kids or feeling that I am complicating their grief. 

[klim]

I'm not trying to move foward at a certain rate....so don't have any time pressure,just desired to have  a more fluid,less constricted existance.....but I have given it some thought and am already planting the seed i  some discussions.

 

I think with your plan to move forward you need to keep pushing the envelope.Lots of discussions are probably needed. Your kids are all different ages and personalities so probably each need to be handled differently. The point you have to obviously work on is that it's not a betrayal of their father. That if anything your DH would have wanted you to be "looked after" and  to exist in a happy  new relationship.  Explain that is very normal for people to recouple.

 

My thought about my guys is they will never view any NG as a stepfather. They are old enough that I think NG will always just be that to them."Mom's partner"  and I am fine with that.

 

My brother in law lost his mother when he was 20 and his sister was 17. His father recoupled fairly quickly and there was some tension with the"kids"......after a short time. they began to look at the new women in there Dad's life as their Dad's life parther and accepted her......they definitley never regarded her as a stepmother though.

 

Maybe your older ones think they will need to view NG as a father replacement. You may want to point out that is not neccessary for your relationship to work. I would suspect that your younger one may have more involvemnet and that NG will take on that roll  more. And I just had a weird thought ...have your older boys stepped in to a Father roll for your younger son......maybe they  need to know that they will still play an important role there that can not be taken away by NG.

 

This is not really addressing the bedroom situation but the moving forward situation.

Apparently I'm full of advice but none of this has been tested...I'm just trying to imagine how I will handle it, if and when I get there.

Cheers. Onward and forward.

[anniegirl]

Trying, you aren't complicating their grief. You are just at different place and your grief will naturally be different from theirs just because he was their father but your husband. My dad's death affected me quite differently than LH's did.

 

I do think that if you wanted to talk to your older boys and remind them that it's unfair of them to take out their hurt on you, you would be totally inbounds but I can understand not wanting to. They are old enough though to know better and for you to have higher expectations of them than the 12 yr old.

 

The 5 yr old was treated with far more understanding when she acted up than the 22 yr old did.

 

And klim makes a good point that maybe the older ones need to know that you are not expecting them to see NG as a dad figure but as your life partner/husband. It might seem like a small distinction but it could make a difference. Take some of the pressure off.

 

But the big thing for them - probably - is that your relationship with NG has forced them to realize that you are more than just mom. You are an adult woman who had a life, needs and hopes before they existed and will after they've grown and gone off on their own. That's a huge eye-opener even when both your parents are still alive. Forget about adding a loss into the mix. A lot is going on. But it doesn't give them license to make life hard on you.

 

Hope things settle down soon. It's difficult to feel pulled on both sides.

[Trying]

The step father point is a good one.  Both NG and I know that his role will not be as a step father to the older 2 but maybe they need to hear it. 

 

Klim, you do give very good advice and you should listen to it!  I like the sound of "a more fluid and less constricted existence".  I hope the seeds you are planting take hold.

[tybec]

Thanks for the topic.  I have struggled.  I didn't even think I would sleep with NG, thinking long term relationship and proposal, but then I am a 40 something yr. old widow of 4 years.  I didn't follow my guidelines.  So, introduce 12 yr. old son.  I have talked a lot with him about me dating. He has said things like, "It is a normal thing.  You aren't going to be alone forever."  He says things like that and I did wait 4 years.  Well, I asked him the progression of a relationship, and he said, 'Get to know each other dating, fall in love, get physical and then marry."  This is not what I have taught, a Christian, but he is seeing TV, talking with friends at  school.  It is a quandary of me wanting him to wait until marriage yet I didn't.  Hypocrisy, I know, but a goal to teach because of my faith, and I understand the reasons why.  Anyhoo, NG came from divorced home, and mother started dating when he was about 12.  He gives insight.  He says not the child's business, he never wanted to know his mother was doing that, etc.  My single girl friends tell me to be open with my child about it, life, no lies.  My course so far, NG stays the night, sleeps in my bed after son goes to bed (sleeps like a rock), and I am up getting ready before son awakens.  I know it is a minefield, but I also know I have wants and needs, and I am not getting younger.  OH my gosh, this is a minefield I NEVER expected to be in.  So, there it is.  Helpful, IDK.  But I get the struggle.

[Trying]

Tybec i totally understand throwing guidelines and plans out the window and feeling conflicted.  But yes, we are not getting any younger, we understand that life is a precious thing and time is not something we can count on.