Jump to content

Young Widow Forum

Register to view blogs.

Sugarbell

Still an Addict-not sure where to post

Recommended Posts

Posted under Social...although it falls under parenting, grief, special circumstances, etc.

 

My stress level is through the roof. I landed a new full time job in my hometown where we are moving. I will be commuting (one hour one way) starting Feb 1st. My oldest son is starting middle school 7th grade there then. He will stay with my folks...I am going to spend 2 nights a week down there so I can split my time between kids and cut down on driving and my Mom will stay with my other 2 on those nights. He needs out of this school district and it's a good move for him (and he wants to play baseball for the school in the spring there)

 

My house is a wreck. Have a guy working on major repairs/roof/drywall. No clue how I am going to list it by April and keep it looking good. The whole move is stressing me out although I know it's the right thing to do.

 

My Mom doesn't like NG (she didn't like him before she met him..I told him a year ago how she was and not to take it personally cause I knew she wouldn't. She hasn't liked any man I have ever been involved with. Normally I wouldn't give a shit...but I need to stay in her good graces because well I need the help with the kids right now. So I am playing middle man.

 

New Year's Day I lost it...curled up and just cried. I wanted a pill...I craved my pills to escape. No I didn't relapse..but I am a walking Bitch right now. The cravings are bad. I will always be an addict. But this is the first tine in 4 years that I really really want one. Going to the mountains-road trips have been my coping mechanism. Can't do that at this moment. Too pressed for time and saving all $$$ for the move.

 

I won't relapse...if I use I will die. Just missing DH...and need to find a new coping mechanism to get through the next few months. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Share this post


Link to post

((Sugarbell))

Sounds like a lot of stress. No wonder the cravings are so intense. As a smoker, different addiction I know but an addiction none the less, I know when I'm faced with stress I crave cigarettes. If I'm in a situation where I can't have one I get irrationally angry.

Hoping you feel better getting it off of your chest, just talking can sometimes be a coping mechanism.

Also hoping these next couple of months go smoothly, or at least as smoothly as possible.

Share this post


Link to post

Sugar bell- that is ALOT to deal with at once....sorry. It's understandable that your prior cravings are returning but good for you for fighting back and expressing that here. Important to vent and find support in other ways. Wishing you all the best,

Share this post


Link to post

Sugar bell....

  Like everyone else said..

How awesome you are for having extreme stress & getting past it,because you learned to cope.

    I hope things even out for you soon,and I wanna say.congrats on your desision to not use.

Share this post


Link to post

((SB)) You have so much to juggle both physically and emotionally as you make these major decisions and moves to benefit your family. It is understandable that you are stressed to the point of reaching for your vice but you are strong and you believe in yourself so I know you won't. I don't have experience with addiction but I'll make some suggestions that may help. First, it sounds from past posts that you can afford to turn the house over to a contractor or handyman to manage all the repairs. If you do that, it will alleviate so much time and stress. The other thing I would recommend is exercise; when you feel anxious, go for a walk/jog/bike ride, etc. Endorphins are a great way to manage stress. Hang in there! We're all backing you!!!

 

abl

Share this post


Link to post

Sugarbell, you are such a positive force here, I can only imagine how you help those IRL.  I am so sorry to hear of this accumulated stress -your life sounds complicated right now.  You can get through this for certain - you have been through the wringer and you are still standing.  I have nothing else, just wishing you peace and courage for the next 6 months and onward.

Share this post


Link to post

Congrats on your coping with the stress and staying the course in your recovery.  You do have a lot going on and it will work out "One Day at a Time".  ((Hugs)). 

 

I can relate to starting new job, selling house, moving, etc. since I was faced with this last year.  You seem to be in a good place with finances and getting home repairs.  Even with that elbow grease is massive but can also be therapeutic.  Don't forget to breathe, drink water, and look ahead to the finish line.  We need you on this site and as for me I will be praying for less stress the next 6 months.  My hat is off to you.

Share this post


Link to post

You are under incredible stress right now so it's understandable that your old negative coping urges are rearing their ugly head.  Do whatever you need to in order to stay clean, you've done the hard work, you know what it takes.

 

I did the sell the house and move thing this summer and then went back to school so I can relate to the stress and acting like a crazy person at times during the process.  Keep reminding yourself why you are doing this and I promise if I can survive fixing up, packing up and selling a house you can too! Feel free to vent to me anytime.

Share this post


Link to post

I agree with the suggestion of exercising. Whenever I am overwhelmed (I also just moved etc) I find physical work or activity to do so I can get the bad juju out.

I also had a big cry Jan 1 over DH leaving me to do it all. It sucks having to do everything alone, it's unfair, it's difficult and no amount of time passing changes our workload re kids, money and housekeeping and in my case - caring for the inlaws.

 

Addiction is a toughie.. it always will be. Wishing you luck with rebounding quickly because it's hard finding new ways to feel ok.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest TalksToAngels

You are stronger than you think. Screw anyone who messes with your mantra.

Sending virtual strength.

Share this post


Link to post

Sugarbell, the very fact that you came here and shared shows you've got this. just keep coming here when you need to vent and keep your eye on the prize- look ahead to when you are moved and all- I so know this- when I retired and moved I was a mess. Just pack and purge and bitch to us. xo

Marian

Share this post


Link to post

Thank you all so much!

 

The cravings pass...I get them about 2 times a day. Haven't had those since the first 6 months I got clean.

 

Oh yeah...I follow many principles of NA. Read the big book worked the steps. Actually haven't been to a meeting in years...and really finding the time to get to one would stress me more!

 

I have 2 old friends that have been in recovery for 8 and 12 years. And we message each other when we need support. Actually Christmas stresses all 3 of us out. It's just I know the most people don't understand that this is an issue I will deal with the rest of my life. And when I am stressed I really have to keep my guard up. And I try to run and lift weights with my son it does give me an adrenaline high.

 

You guys rock. Thank you.

Share this post


Link to post

Thinking of you.  Cheering for you.  Rooting for you.  I have faith in your will power and determination and spunk. 

Share this post


Link to post

This is super old but maybe someone can help me. I’m chain smoking cigarettes and joints and I want to stop. I started smoking at 15, weed at 18. I’m 38. I loved an alcoholic/addict for 17 years. I’m co-dependent AF. His addiction killed him in one instant 2 months ago. Mine is killing me over time. Blunting the time I have left.

 

My life is... stressful. Privileged compared to many (many many, globally). Accomplished (but hanging on by a thread... at risk of losing it all if I don’t get my act right). A job that pays well but sucks for a solo parent, not enough to live how I want, where I want. Trying to save up to get back “home” when I left there for good reason. Traumatized to a very high degree (one DA called it “horrific” and she only knew 10% of the story), even before my husband. Parenting 3 amazing and equally (more?) traumatized kids, alone. 

 

These kids are the reason I’m alive. 2 years ago, on Halloween after he choked me in the half dark telling me I was going to die and I believed him, and I told myself I was going to beat him to it and I walked miles thinking next big pharmacy I’m getting a lethal dose and disappearing.  What stopped me was writing the letter to my oldest. I couldn’t even get past I’m sorry. How could I write that to each of them?  I couldn’t ever bear (bare? Uggghh) that. I couldn’t leave them on this earth without a protector. So I let him save me. And I went on to work. 

 

See, I’ve made it pretty far in life on above average intelligence, passable looks and a twinkle in my eye, and kindness. But other people around me have busted their ass and continue to bust their asses to be where I’m at, and I’m afraid I’m falling off the curve.

 

so I want to stop it all. I am thankful I don’t have immediately life threatening addictions and I am somewhat embarrassed to admit the power these weak drugs have over me when I have seen the withdrawals from “real drugs” and alcohol. 

 

I feel guilty because I never got clean enough to help my husband. 

 

I feel like a terrible parent.

 

i know this shame and guilt drives my addiction.

 

i have respite this week: my dear friend is watching the big kids in the country until Friday. I will just have work and the baby and I really want a kickstart on truly living.

 

anyone been there? Can help? I won’t have childcare after work so can’t really go to meetings. Just more want to take the self care and reflection route.

 

thanks for listening 

Share this post


Link to post

Also I know for an absolute fact that I’m in no shape for a relationship but damned if I’m not lonely and craving male intimacy. I see that as another destructive behavior though. I’m not tryna devalue myself. But I’ve thought about getting grief fucked. Sigh 

Share this post


Link to post

New I'm so sorry that you have endured so much abuse. I get it. I grew up in abuse too. Do you have any friends or at least one who can watch your kids so you can go to a hospital 

and check yourself in for some much needed help. Do this for yourself and for your kids that you love so much.

And vent away here.

I will keep you in my prayers, and know that it can get better, even if it feels like it takes a long time, but you can do it. :)  ((( hugs )))

Share this post


Link to post

You have been listened to New.  It’s good that you have your kids. Taking care of them is taking care of you. You’ve got so much you are dealing with at just two months!

 I like that you acknowledge your privileges. I hope you can use them for good and by that I mean prosper in all things good for you and your kids. 

 

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.