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singinmomo4

The reality of being widowed

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So much been going on in my life lately that hasn''t been good. 

 

Our cat died.  Nick and John were a wreck, especially Nick.  She was his cat.  She slept with him and stayed in his room all the time.  Another loss on top of all the other losses.  His dad, grandmother, grandfather, uncle and now 2 cats in 5 years and this was on top of having a bunch of his video games stolen when he forgot them on his bus and the bus then went and picked up other students for another school after he got off. 

 

The stolen games and his cat dying caused a lot of difficulties at school.  Nick is my child with aspergers.  Anything can throw him off and this absolutely sent him for a tail spin.

 

Then my oldest son got pulled over for a headlight being out.  He had drugs in the truck.  He was arrested for intent to distribute which he's fighting along with driving on a suspended license which was suspended because he didn't do what he was supposed to do once his time was up.  You know, pay the restoration fee?  Stupid shit.  He was in jail for a month before I bailed him out with his money.  Even if the intent to distribute is dropped, I'm sure he's looking at some jail time. 

 

My brother had a stroke and has been in the hospital for 3 weeks or so.  At first it sounded minor but it hasn't turned out that way.  Last week we thought we might lose him.  He wasn't doing well at all, extremely agitated, confused, pulling out his pic line.  My mother is in her 80's, doesn't drive and takes care of my severely handicapped brother at home.  My brother was there to help her but now isn't.  My father is in the local Veteran's nursing home.  They are in Arkansas and I'm in Pennsylvania. 

 

My younger, severely handicapped brother is now also in the hospital because his hemoglobin levels were dangerously low.  The only good thing is at least with both of them in the hospital my mom can visit both of them while she stays there. 

 

So, the reality of widowhood is I have to deal with all of this alone, without my rock, my partner, my one person I always knew that no matter what came up we could get through together. 

 

I have to deal with my children's issues alone.

 

I can't just up and head down to Arkansas to help my mom because I have children to take care of here.

 

And what if something happens to my older brother?  My mom and younger brother can't be alone at home.  I can't be down there for long periods to help because of my responsibilities here.  I can't even begin to consider moving closer to home because my son with Aspergers is finally in a school that is perfect for him.  He needs to stay here where he can get what he needs.

 

The reality is, if Rick were here, I wouldn't be doing it all on my own.  The reality is, if Rick were here, I could head down to help my family and Rick would take care of everything at home.  He would get the kids off to school, go to work, come home early to be home with them after school.  It wouldn't be an issue. 

 

The reality is, if Rick were here, the house wouldn't be falling apart, my children would have their dad and maybe, just maybe, might be handling things better.  The reality is, if Rick were here, I would have the security of knowing that everything would be okay because we were a team and we could handle whatever life threw at us together.  That security is gone.  I feel so alone.  I am alone. 

 

I miss him so damn much.  I miss everything about him and I miss the security that being married, being partners, being with Rick gave me.  It's all gone and this is my reality. 

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You have an enormous amount on your plate and facing it all by yourself just plain sucks.  I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. 

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Guest marian1953

Oh Mary,

 

I am so sorry to read all that you have to deal with alone in your life. You are such an inspiration to me, that I only wish I could come out there and just do something for you. All I can say is I have been thinking of you the last few days, because of your brothers. Now the cat and I know how much a pet means to someone with Aspergers because of Travis. I know what it s to answer those same questions over and over when trying to explain. Sorry about your eldest.

Mary, saying prayers for everyone and just wishing I could give you an enormous hug. xo

Marian

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Mary, if I had any words that could even begin to help, I would have offered them so long ago. I just wish things were different for you. For the boys. For your family. All I can offer is my love and daily prayers...we know the God of the impossible. I pray so many things for you, beginning with hope and strength.

 

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. ~Psalm 23

 

All my love...

K

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singinmomo4, I am so sorry to hear of all that you are facing. It is too much.  I absolutely dread anything happening to my own family because it would put me over the edge just now.  I wish you courage.  I hope that things improve for your entire family.

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((((((((SMO4)))))))))

 

Oh Mary....I am so sorry.

 

Wish I was there to help...I know many of us do. But we can lend an ear and support from far away too. Vent away.

 

Sending all of your family positive vibes and strength this week.

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Oh Geez, Mary - I wish you could have intercepted that giant-sized manure delivery and refused delivery.  That is a lot of stuff to deal with.  I am so sorry that it's happened at all and at once.  I wish I was close enough to deliver a hug in person.

 

Take care,

Rob T

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Guest Lost35

Mary, I can't imagine having to deal with any one of these issues, never mind all of them, at the same time.  I'm sorry you don't have your rock, and I'm sorry it is so overwhelming.  I read earlier that you had things going on and was wondering about it...I suppose the only thing I'm glad for is that you shared it all here and can be supported (albeit from afar). 

 

One foot in front of the other, breathe, and repeat...  You deserve a break and I hope you get one soon.

 

-L.

 

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Oh Honey :(

I can only ditto what others have said but I had to tell you I was touched , I thought I was living in a shit storm. I can't even fathom all you are handling.  I truly hope things turn around for your brothers and your mom. It's too much for one person. Is there anything you need that any of us here could possibly do?

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Mary , huge hugs! I only met you once in person, but you were so warm and welcoming me to a bago, I will never forget that. I hope and pray for your family that things get easier .

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(((Mary)))

I am so sorry you have all of this on your plate.  I always felt that after all that we have been through we kind of deserve a pass on the bad stuff for a bit.  Doesn't seem to work out that way.

I have a "Nick" although his name is Brian and he is 27.  I know how things can just turn their world upside down and it somehow trickles down to everyone in the house.  Putting your brother's health issues and your Mom and brother into the mix-what an absolute mess.

I am glad to see you here.  I hope that we can be some help to you even if it just a place to vent.  You have always been so kind and wise.  Know that you are in my prayers.

 

Pat

 

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Guest littlebirdie

I'm worn out just thinking about all of that. I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you lately. It's not fair. You've been through enough and shouldered more than your share of heartache already. I wish I could hug you for real.

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I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. That is a lot to handle at once and especially hard to face it on your own. Sending positive thoughts your way. I hope things start to get better. 

 

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I have come back and read this a couple of times in the last few days, wishing I had the right words to make things better, or wishing I could do something to help.  Unfortunately, I have no words, and I live too far away to pitch in.  I am thinking of you, though, and keeping you in my prayers.  I am just so sorry you have had to go through all of this.

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Thank you everyone.  Sometimes I just need to vent and have a pity party and it's nice to know that you all are here to listen while I just get it out. 

 

These are the moments when I miss Rick the most.  I've always been pretty self sufficient and that was one of the things that attracted Rick to me but it's so different when others are involved.  Feeling a responsibility for so many really drains me. 

 

I also find myself feeling so envious of others who, even when they are dealing with difficulties in their lives, have their loved one right by their side to weather it with them.  A perfect example is my SIL.  I love my inlaws so much and of course I don't want them to hurt like I do but even when she had so many burdens taking care of her ailing mother and then her father, her husband (a rock, just like Rick) was always there with her.  And throughout the loss of her brother, mother and father, he's there with her, loving her, supporting her, helping her.  I've always said, the hardest part of losing Rick was not having him to weather the storm with me. 

 

There are some bright spots in all of this.

 

My oldest son is doing well.  He has a continuance until May.  He's working and seems more clear headed than he has in a long time.  He's hoping, that by working and being productive, if he does do time they will allow him to take part in work release.  I hope that this experience helps him to turn things around for himself. 

 

There are a couple of people helping out my mom.  Before my younger brother was in the hospital, a few people were helping my mom.  There's Robert, a guy that used to work with my younger brother years ago and has stayed in touch with the family.  He would pick up groceries and go check on my older brother and report back to her because she wasn't able to get there, Scott, a friend of my older brother who would also visit my brother and report back to mom.  He also offered to sit with my younger brother so that Robert could take her to visit my older brother.  My mom also has a sister and her daughter who have brought some meals to them.  I've ordered a few things online and had them mailed directly to her. 

 

I have a visit planned the end of this month.  Luckily I had it planned before everything happened and work was incredibly awesome allowing me so much time off, one of the many reasons I absolutely love my job. 

 

And, lastly, it's been 2 months since Nick's games were stolen.  Ideally he would want his games back because of the data on them but I've convinced him I've done everything I can do to try to get them back and we need to just try to replace them.  He was given an early birthday present from my parents and I've told him he can use that to replace some games and after posting on FB looking for someone with games they wanted to get rid of, he was able to replace most of his favorite ones fairly cheaply.  In fact, it was some of my widda friends that came through for me again. 

 

So there are bright spots that I'm very grateful for but it all just makes me really miss Rick.  I'm so thankful for this place to be able to vent, cry, remember. 

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Guest Munsen

((Hugs))) You do have a lot of things going on to deal with. You are correct to say that list would be difficult WITH a hubby! Without one, it would feel overwhelming. I find myself more easily overwhelmed in this new life too. But then, I felt early on more overwhelmed by everything no matter how trivial it would have been in my former life!

 

Pre-widowhood, I appreciated my guy so much that I thought I couldn't appreciate him more. Yet, now I know that I appreciate him on a far higher level than I did when he was alive. Funny how perspective changes everything. I just wish I could tell him that.

 

I'm glad to see your update and the bright spots are becoming visible. Those are the little buoys along the way that keep us afloat! I keep reminding myself of Dory's advice in 'Finding Nemo', "Just keep swimming!" :)

 

And I understand why you'd feel that way for the others who still have their supporter by their side.  I feel a pang when I see older people walking hand in hand too. I'm glad that they have that blessing but it just makes me miss my guy more.  Personally though, I think we should coin a better word than 'envy' as this post-widowhood envy is different than the usual meaning of that word. I don't want that person's hubby or relationship, I just see them and it reminds me of what I've lost. Huge distinction, I think...

 

Sending hopes and prayers that life calms down for you soon and that all your loved ones get feeling better very soon.

 

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I wish I had some great advice or magic wand and could take these troubles away from you.  It absolutely sucks!  Just now you and your family will be in my prayers.

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So, the reality of widowhood is I have to deal with all of this alone, without my rock, my partner, my one person I always knew that no matter what came up we could get through together. 

 

I miss him so damn much.  I miss everything about him and I miss the security that being married, being partners, being with Rick gave me.  It's all gone and this is my reality.

 

 

Singingmom,

 

Your post about the reality of widowhood probably hits home with many. Your current situation seems overwhelming, to say the least. Life is inherently messy, it's baked in the cake, but when one adds widowhood to the mix, you've got "the cake from hell".  This type of reality can make one want to hide under a blanket forever.

 

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away"



~ ~ Philip K. Dick

 

The widowed can vouch for the above! The game goes on, and we have to play the cards we are dealt alone. It is especially difficult when one has to face a multi-front fire and is a lonely fighter. The logistics of life by themselves can be overwhelming enough, but doing so without our trusted co-pilot makes it exponentially more challenging.

 

And it's not always just the practical aspects, which sometimes seem to pile on and can feel insurmountable, but the emotional comfort, the shoulder to lean on, is missing. Our security blanket has been ripped away from us and leaves us shivering in the cold. We have come to understand the true meaning of "fighting a lonely battle". Yes, the state of widowhood is a very harsh reality that has to be experienced in order to be understood, and outsiders have no idea about the depth of loneliness it entails.

 

Even Mother Theresa, although not a widow, said the following:

 

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.



I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

 

~~ Mother Teresa

 

Sometimes we just feel like screaming to the universe: "ENOUGH!!!"

 

I know that words can't help your very real life problems, but nonetheless , I want to tell you that I at least heard you and offer my virtual shoulder to lean on for a while.

 

 

sending-light-out.jpg

 

 

Sending you thoughts of solidarity, courage and strength!

 

 

And I wish for you that:

 

" All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well!"



 

~~ T.S. Eliot

 

ATJ 

:)

 

 

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"I know that words can?t help your very real life problems, but nonetheless , I want to tell you that I at least heard you and offer my virtual shoulder to lean on for a while"

 

 

ATJ ..... can I crawl in your lap?

 

 

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