Four Months ? There is no concept of time

[keeptrying]

I am four months out. It seems like yesterday, but also forever ago. I didn't know what to expect, I still don't know. Nothing seemed to have changed. I still feel that deep hurt that comes up from your gut until you cry your eyes out until they hurt. There are the crying days, and the DEEP crying days. The way I keep myself going is I tell myself over and over this isn't real. It just can't be. I am afraid if I wake up and end up getting smacked with reality I don't know if I can handle it. I knew my present, my future. I knew my life, I loved it. Now, I don't know what will happen tomorrow or six months from now. I have nothing to look forward to. I wait for him to come down the stairs from work. Every weekend I wait to see him come across the kitchen holding one of the kids and asking him what he wants to do this weekend. The waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting.. It is so completely and utterly lonely. My heart aches. The pain is so strong it is not even describable. I keep going every day, but I am not sure how to move forward. All your hopes, dreams, your life, everything you have known, just gone. 

 

[JacklessSally]

4 Months for me landed on Friday the 13th. I wish I could give you more than just a cyber hug.

I am in the same boat with the crying days and the DEEP crying days. Just have to take this 10 seconds at a time.

 

(Big Hug)

[BentNOTbroken]

Keep going you can do it we all love you! God bless you and give you strength.

[oacton]

Just passed the 4 month mark and still don't know how I get up every day and keep going. My husband died 10 days after my first daughter's wedding. My second daughter's wedding is in one month, and God help me, I don't know how I am going to get through that. When I see my son walking my daughter down the aisle instead of her dad, I am so afraid I will be crying buckets in front of the entire church.

Don't know how to get through that.

Any thoughts?

 

 

[keeptrying]

Maybe try what I did for my sons birthday party. Try really hard holding back the tears, try to think of something else, keep your mind occupied. Sometimes thinking of something that makes you really angry helps. A few tears may trickle. Then when I hop in the car, without any warning, COMPLETE BREAKDOWN. Maybe everyone will think they are tears of joy  : )

[lcoxwell]

Even at one year out, now, I also think that it has been no time at all, sometimes, and that it has been an eternity, other times.  You may not see it now, but there will come a time, when you make it through a day, or a few days, without the crying.  At four months, you don't have to worry about the future, just make it through one hour, one minute, one second at a time, if you need to.  Eventually, you will reach a point, when you can look more to the future, but right now, there is nothing that says you have to.

[lcoxwell]

oacton....My daughter was married in December, just nine months after my Kenneth's death.  She built a special moment into her wedding ceremony to stop and honor him.  It helped, knowing that, in some small way, he was still there with us.  You don't have to worry about crying, since all eyes will be on the bride, anyway.  Just remember, if you start feeling overwhelming emotions, just pause and focus on breathing in and out slowly.  It does help.  Wear water resistant eye liner and mascara, so that you don't have streaks running down your face, if you do cry.  Keep tissues handy, and bring a small bag of your makeup, so you can do touch ups, before any pictures, if you need to.

[Jen]

Oh, hugs, ((((HUGS)))) I could have written your post at 4 months... some days I still could. I'm approaching a year now, and while I think I've accepted my Jim's death, I'm still struggling with the loss of my future. I understand the feeling of having nothing to look forward to all too well-- I've managed to find a few little things, only three or four months ahead, and I'm hanging onto those with all I've got. After that it's a huge empty unknown, and it's terrifying. It's too much to contemplate, so I try not to think about it. Sometimes taking it day by day is too daunting as task, so I take it hour by hour. This past weekend I was back to breath by breath. But we keep going, somehow. And you're definitely not alone.

 

[swilson]

At times I didn?t believe she had really died. My mind is still at times confused, foggy and it?s tough to concentrate on most anything. With young ones I know you have to keep going but remember to also take time for you (as much as you can squeeze in.)

 

[tk74]

Another 'four month-er'.  I'm at four months and thirteen days (November 3rd).  I'm not exactly sure when I stopped crying 'every' day.  The first couple of weeks all I did was cry.  Before this happened, I couldn't tell you the last time I cried.  It had definitely been a while.  The next few weeks the tears were on and off, though the pain was immeasurable. I went back to work, but the shock of it all left me mostly numb, depressed and sick to my stomach.  My fifteen year old step-daughter decided she wanted to live with me and that blessed me beyond measure.  Her sixteenth birthday was a week before Christmas.  I tried to be strong.  I made it through Christmas, though it was a blur, battling my thought process and just trying to wrap my head around it.  I suppose, subconsciously, my brain simply processed the trauma by thinking she was just in the hospital yet again and I would see her soon.  While it lasted I even appreciated the false hope, if for no other reason, to delay the inevitable.  January and February (so far) have been, without a doubt, the hardest.  I cried every single day.  The reality, the loneliness, the heartbreak, the regrets, the empty bed, the social anxiety and awkwardness.  The list goes on and on.  Only you guys know how hard it is. 

 

So as of March, I still cry from time to time, but not everyday.  I just hurt.  I'm becoming bitter and resentful, though I'm trying to be conscious of it.  I pray and try to keep the faith, but just can't handle everyone from church right now.  I'm eating healthy, exercising and dropped seventeen pounds.  If this were a quarterly progress report, I guess I'm just barely passing.  The hardest part now is not being able to shake the feeling of wanting to go home, if that makes sense.  She was my home and without her I feel so lost and vulnerable.  Hope has to be on the horizon. 

[mixelated]

The sense of homesickness, the sense of waiting and emptiness... yearning for my old life that had my husband in it, happiness, and a whole family.  Yes, I hear you. I am walking behind you at just three months, but I feel it and I guess I will for some time.

I don't know if knowing that helps or not - anticipating so much emptiness and pain stretching ahead of me. Does it really help to have something to look forward to? All I can think of are those horrible 'firsts' - Father's Day, birthdays, our anniversary, holidays.

[Wandasmom]

I am at 3 1/2 months and feeling desperately lonely.  I feel like I have no one to talk to even though I have my 2 sons at home and friends and neighbors who say call whenever you need to and am in 2 support groups. None of those people can fill the void.  None of them can help me sort out my thoughts, or help me make the big decisions that my husband would have been part of, or have the insight on things that are happening to our family.  Further, it feels like this is the time when all those people who offered to help have gotten on with their lives and are no longer reaching out to me.

 

Leaving my sons' basketball tournament this weekend was so painful.  All the other kids were with their dads and moms and we were going home dad-less.  The car was so quiet and the idea that it would be only the 3 of us when we got home was unbearable.  He was so full of life, so full of ideas and interesting stories, so full of knowledge about all sorts of things.  Our life is so quiet now.

[mixelated]

Wandasmom, that is where I am, too. My oldest moved out six months ago and my youngest is still at home. I am very grateful to have her, but she's a kid. The support group helps relieve the loneliness, but they're not really there for me. And all the people who offered help have stepped back, assuming that since I'm upright and moving, I'm fine.

 

I miss him most in the small things that now loom so large. Talking about the kids' little challenges or triumphs. Texting him something I saw during the day. Asking his advice or input. Listening to his ideas. Just hearing him talk or laugh.

[Stargazer74]

I'm at 3 1/2 months now myself.  The loneliness hit me very hard for the first 6 weeks.  The silence was deafening and maddening too.  My mother was nice enough to stay with me for the first 2 weeks, and while we have never been extremely close, it was a life saver, and we actually had some talks that were very deep and profound during that time.  Jamie has 2 daughters that had moved to be with their dad a couple of years prior, mainly due to her declining health, and my son had left a couple of years before after he graduated HS, and my 13 year old daughter has always lived with her mom, so even though we were use to having a house full of kids on the weekends, it was just Jamie and I most of the time.  I am glad that we had those years alone, because it drew us so close together, but with her gone, it meant now I was totally alone.  Circumstances have brought my son back to live with me now, although that will be only temporary.  I joined a Grief Share group, but because of my work schedule I can only attend every other week.  I've only been twice though because of one reason or another.  Wandasmom, you are so right, nothing can fill the void.  I found myself feeling the same, having no one to talk to.  The board here has been a blessing.  Reading about how other people struggle with the same feelings helps me to understand that what I am going through is normal.  We all get it here, and that is what has given me some comfort.  There are opportunities to reach out as well, and try to comfort someone else with that pain helps too, and you can make new friends here as well.  People still ask me how I'm doing.  Of course I say "fine."  But, nothing can make it "fine."  Nothing can make it "good."  I shoot for "making it" for now, and while I hope for better in the future, I'm okay with that for now.  I have come to terms with Jamie's death, and although there are plenty of things I still don't understand about it, I have come to realize that I probably won't ever have those answers.  I still morn that Jamie will never get to see our girls get married, or even go on a first date.  She was a wonderful wife and mother.  I miss her touch and listening to her talk the most though.  She was my best friend, and her absence has changed the entire world, to me, and I know I will carry that for the rest of my life.

[lcoxwell]

The silence was deafening and maddening too. 

 

This (the silence) was, by far, one of the hardest things I had to adjust to, especially in the early days, but again around 3-4 months.  At one year out, now, I still have times when the silence reaches in and tears me apart.

[donswife]

I am also about 4 months since my Don passed away. I catch myself waiting for his call around 3 when he was getting out of work and I have to remind myself he wont be calling. I agree the silence is so hard so I have a TV or radio going all the time

I also yell out that I want my old life back and I want him back here. I do agree this site had helped me immensely

Spring is going to be so hard as he was the one who did all the planting etc so to see his gardens start to bloom without him

will be heartbreaking