How fast is fast?

[torian]

I was talking with a (much) younger colleague at work who got married over Christmas. She's never been married.

 

"How long were you engaged?"

"About 3 weeks"

Oh.

"How long have you been dating each other?"

"About three months."

 

5 years ago I would have told her she was crazy, but now there's a small part of me that can appreciate her motto, which is, "You never know how long you have and if you find love, you have to run with it and see where it goes."

 

What are your thoughts given we have a unique perspective on life and love? Does widowhood make you even more cautious or does it make you throw caution to the wind?

 

 

 

[Sugarbell]

Different strokes for different folks.

 

Now...that I am pretty well healed after 8 years...really I am the same as I was in the love department before I  married DH. We dated 2 1/2 years....we were only engaged 6 months..but we really knew what we wanted after 3 years total. NG and I have been together 1 1/2...and its been slow and steady just like I was with DH. I don't have that sense or urgency that I had in my broken years. (when I rushed and got married to a man I knew for 6 months..had only seen once a month during those 6 months...and the marriage lasted a whopping 5 months )

 

Depends on the person, life circumstances, etc. But I still caution jumping into "Love" and "forever and forever" too soon. The roses, lollipops and unicorns fade..then when reality hits...its a wake up call.

 

But that's me. But that was me before I was widowed too.

[Wheelerswife]

My first husband and I were engaged about 4 1/2 months after we met.  We bought a house and moved in 5 months later.  We were married 17 months after we met.

 

My second husband and I were engaged about 6 weeks after we met.  I moved 1/2 way across the country to be with him 6 months after we met, and we were married a year after we met.

 

No regrets at all...

 

Maureen

[widowat33]

I have always been a slow and steady kind of girl

But like everything else in this life everyone is different.

I am not seeking a partner and probably won't. But if I were to recouple I would probably be more cautious this time around. With my dh I only had our feelings to consider, now I have children and would have to take their feelings into account as well regarding remarriage.

 

[Quixote]

My wife and I got engaged seven days after we kissed for the first time.  Somewhere between then, she broke up with her boyfriend of three years.  We were originally going to wait a while to get married, but I had orders to flight school and we realized that if we wanted a wedding with all our friends and family able to attend, we had to do it before then.  So we got married nine months after getting engaged, or as she put it, long enough that everyone would know we didn't *have* to get married

 

23 years together before cancer took her, so I think I can safely say that all those naysaying "What are you guys thinking?  You're way too young and it's way too soon!" were wrong.  So there, naysayers.

 

Love is weird. 

[swilson]

At over a year, still not settled about being alone so for me it would be unfair to waste another person's time. Count me more cautious.

[Guest TormentedTwoStep]

I think it depends solely on the people involved, which I know seems an obvious statement.  What we see is a few examples of when it worked, and worked well.  Two emotionally available, stable people were together and made the decision.  I got involved early out, fell hard and fast as did my significant other, and after two months together began to talk about marriage.  I would have eloped on the spot.  Thank God it didn't happen.  There's so much water under that bridge now.  If I ever get a chance at love again, I'll go very slow and very cautiously.  My heart can't take another breaking.

[rmdee67]

Hi!  This is my first post.  I lost my husband Feb. 10, 2015--I also learned he was unfaithful 2 months b4 he died. 2 weeks after he died I learned he had hidden mental and addictive issues.  I couldn't believe it, but mental health professionals have suggested he was a sociopath.  Well, I found myself attracted to a man I worked with for over 10 years.  I've professed my feelings for him in Nov when he told me he was not ready for a relationship and tried to kiss him on Saturday and was rebuffed and he told me he met someone in 2014 whom he sees every 2-3 months (I know--I sure know how to pick them).  I'm obsessing over him and myself and my choices and inability to focus on what matters most right now: Me and my 3 daughters. I can't focus at work.  What can I do about this craziness? 

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, rmdee67.  Welcome to our board.  You have been through a lot in one year.  It is hard to lose your spouse and even harder to learn things about them that you probably didn't really want to know.  I found out some things about my first husband after he died.  I took the time (and a good therapist) to work through that information and decided it was best to put it behind me.  Your husband wasn't just the unfaithful man with mental health and addiction issues.  He was the good person you fell in love with and remember, too.  It is your prerogative to work through and decide how to filter some of your memories and knowledge.  I hope that mental health professionals can help you understand your relationship with your husband so that you can have healthy relationships in the future.

 

As far as the man you are attracted to, it seems like you need to wrap your head around the concept that he isn't available and isn't likely to become available to you.  I found someone new about 6 months after my first husband died and things moved very quickly.  But...the attraction was mutual.  (I've since lost him, too, less than 4 years after we met and 3 years after we were married.) I'm starting to experiment with dating again, at 2 years out, and it is a very different ball of wax.  I hope to find someone who is amazing in his own way...but my next great love isn't here yet.  In the meantime, I keep putting one foot in front of the other and living life one day at a time.  Focus isn't easy after losing a spouse...and definitely not when your mind is on something that you can't have.  You don't want someone who doesn't want you.  That will never work.

 

Be good to yourself and keep coming here to say what's on your mind.

 

Maureen

[Guest TalksToAngels]

RMD I would be cautious.

Just my thought.

[rmdee67]

Wheelerswife:  Thank you for your kind words and advice.  I have been going to 2 mental health professionals--my long term therapist and one who specializes in processing trauma.  The anxiety is a challenge.  I know intellectually I starving for intimacy and willing to accept crumbs but I can't seem to come down emotionally from this need.  What's killing me is that I've known this man for over 10 years, he knows how I am, I know he's a worrier, and he hasn't had the courage or decency to shoot me a short note to say I'm sorry I haven't called you back and I'm trying to find the right time get back to you or whatever.  He could have done that for my birthday.  I expect people to behave the way I would and that's a lifelong struggle for me.  I can't accept people for who they are.  I want them to live up to a potential.  I'm so saddened by this turn of events. 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

RMD I wouldn't just be cautious I would walk away. Sorry for being so blunt but what you wrote he is unavailable.

I would not waste precious time or energy on someone who is obviously involved w someone else.

Wishing you peace.

[imissdow]

Married my first after a 1 1/2 years. It was horrid. Met my LH married him a year after we started dating. Would have done it quicker but I had 2 kids who needed some time to get to know him. I think it all depends. I have a good friend who married 3 months after they met. Great couple married 20 years now.

Don't know that I would jump in that quick I'm rather Gun shy at this point. But who knows maybe the right guy will come along and I'll go for it.

[anniegirl]

For OP - LH and I moved in together after 2 wks of dating. Engaged at 4mos and married at 10mos.

 

Husband now and I professed our love before we even met in person after "dating" virtually for not quite 2 months. We were engaged within a month of meeting and I moved to another country to marry him. All told, it was about six months from start to finish.

 

With both, I was very direct with how I felt, what I wanted and how I saw us working as a couple. LH and Husband were equally upfront.

 

Was married 7 1/2yrs the first time and married just short of nine now.

 

I think if you know who you are and what you need/want (mostly - it can't be perfect) and the other person does too, everything else is details that you work on together.

 

rmdee67, Take a breath and don't be too hard on yourself. Actually, there's nothing wrong with crushing hard on someone who we know is not right for us and daydreaming it until something better comes along. We never have to act on feelings.

 

It's frustrating, I know. But it's pretty normal.

 

It's also normal to let ourselves act and get caught up and then regret it.

 

So I guess the craziness is how do we stop the latter? I would say by figuring out what your patterns are, recognizing the type of guy who sets these patterns off and running and then choosing not to go there. It's trial and error but I think most people can train themselves out of any habit with a bit of persistence.

 

 

[Tatianakm]

I agree wholeheartedly: when it feels right and meant to be then the time just does not matter. My LH and I met when i was dating someone else for almost two years. We felt an instant attraction and he put a phone in front of me and made me make that phone call to the other guy and decide either way. We started dating and after the first stay at his place, we just started to move my things in little by little. We were engaged in two months and married 9 months after we met, until death DID do us apart after almost 19 years of marriage.

 

I feel awful that after death you had to discover his infidelity. Both, my LH and I were believers that honesty always best in the relationship. If someone felt like getting out, we agreed to be upfront with each other. I have met the other attractive guys in my life, I am sure other attractive women crossed his path. But my husband was MINE and I was HIS, we lived in a happy bubble and no one else seemed to matter.

 

I know it is very early for me even to think about dating, the sheer thought of putting myself out there and opening my heart to someone else scares me, I am not even talking about undressing in front of some other guy...but if the guy is not interested a bit to make an effort, just walk away. There will be someone who will appreciate everything you have to offer. Best of luck.

[Guest nonesuch]

When I was young I was also foolish.

 

LH and I were engaged at four weeks and married at seven months.  Going quickly was not my mistake. Thinking he'd outgrow his alcoholism was.  That being said, we were married for almost 25 years - until death did us part. 

 

In my older, less hormone-driven existence, I make better choices.  Flavor and I were exclusive rather early on, but we didn't make grand gestures or rash promises during the first few months.

[Guest nonesuch]

RMDee, it sounds like he's really not available for a relationship with you, so writing back to you may never happen.  And if you work with him,  this would be awkward.  Even if you dated for a while, if you break up you still have to see him.  Getting your romance where you get your paycheck is a bad idea.

 

This advice is coming from someone (me) who DID date a colleague in her younger days. When we stopped, work was not-so-much fun any more.  And he wasn't an especially hard worker, so when he slacked off, and I mentioned it to his supervisor, the supervisor looked at me pityingly and expressed the belief that I was jealous / bitter / hurt that we weren't dating any more.