Talking about the late spouse

[Melbar]

I am curious to hear from others on the issue of talking about your late spouse with your new spouse or SO. 

 

One of the reasons I waited 4 years to go out on a date was I felt I would be one of those people constantly bringing up my husband - I had 20 years of building a life with him - basically my entire adult life.  I needed some time to build a life of my own with my kids so I would have something to talk about that pertained only to me and not "us".  Plus, that need to talk about him still signified that I had not let go to the point of being ready for a new relationship.

 

Now I find that I am still careful, and consider if what I'm going to bring up is really pertinent.  That's just me trying to be considerate of my new husband's feelings.  A lot of times when I have a "we" memory, I'll tell it as an "I" memory.  But most of the time if I bring him up, it's pertaining to the kids. 

 

Do you do this for your spouse, and does he or she do it for you regarding their late spouse or ex?  My friend told me her husband still brings up his ex a lot in conversations (about past things) and she asked if I still talked about my late husband all the time... this got me thinking, no, I really do not.  I cherish every memory quietly, but respect my new husband enough to be present with him.  Where do you stand on this?

[MrsDan]

"Please don't ever apologize for talking about him."

 

That is what my boyfriend said to me the other day. I do try not to talk about him too much. I try to say "I" and "my" instead of "we" and "our". But I do share with him not just the positive but also the negative things, not just related to grief, but also our relationship, which was not perfect. It's different for me, because our relationship is very new, so a lot of this is about getting to know one another. Loving and losing Dan shaped you I am, so it's really impossible to share who I am with my boyfriend without those things being part of the discussion. We also talk about his ex in the context of their child. We were talking about their relationship one time and he said he was uncomfortable with it. I asked him why, and he said "well, you and I are dating, so it's weird for me to be talking about a previous relationship." I said, "Oh, like you mean when I talk about my husband?" Good point, was his response. Because that really doesn't seem to bother him; in fact he often thanks me for sharing with him. But also, it comes yup because I feel like there are a lot of lessons I've learned and perspectives I have as a result of my grief, and they seem relevant when we're talking about an issue he's dealing with.

 

 

[Mac]

I have found myself using the word "I" more instead of "we." Especially when talking about all of the places that we traveled to around the world.

 

I talk openly about Cindy to my girlfriend. She talks to me about her late husband. There isn't any weirdness or uncomfortable feelings. She is a widow. We are both confident people and we both have high self esteem. There is a sense of joy when hearing about the wonderful marriages that we both had. That shaped who we are today and who are children are. Grateful for that!

[Melbar]

I do think it is different when it's a late vs. an ex.  One of my best friends is a widower I met through hospice's group bereavement counseling.  He and I used to talk for hours about our late spouses - that was definitely the biggest blessing I had post-widowhood because it gave me a platonic friend I could talk to about all of these memories I have with my LH and I guess in some ways, sort of get a lot of things out, so when I did meet someone I was romantically interested in, I wasn't doing a whole lot of that anymore.

 

Not that I don't ever talk about him, I just try to keep it in check especially now that I'm married. 

 

Ex's are probably a whole different story - there's only so much you really want and need to know.

[Trying]

I wouldn't say I bring him up a lot anymore but like MrsDan said, in the beginning of our relationship I talked a lot more about him n the context of getting to know each other.  For 25 years of my life he was a part of all of my stories so it's always going to come up.  I'm respectful of NG by not comparing them and not putting DH on a pedestal that no one could live up to.  NG is divorced and most stories about his ex are negative because they are not in a good place yet, in the beginning I did ask him to tell me more about their early days together, the positive stuff. I think the past is an important piece to share as long as we spend more time looking forward than looking backward.

[klim]

I talk about  him and NG talks about ex....we've compared wedding stories, birthing stories, vacation stories. I may  consciously limit it a little but not much. He's met some of my dh's siblings and we have actually gone to dinner with  his ex sister inlaw. Maybe we're weird but neither of us seems too bothered.

[BrokenHeart2]

Klim I wouldn't say it's weird, I think it's wonderful. My 2 DHs sister decided it was time to bring DHs ex back into the fold. To me that's  I'd weird, I'm done with them. DH and I chose not to share the 'crazy shit' so they think now that he's gone she could come back (she doesn't have much family and she had my 2 step 20 something's).  I'm done with that if they can't respect me enough to decide when I'm ready. Oh well, it is what it is.

With your NGs after what we've been through, hugs them tight and love them hard!

[Melbar]

I agree Klim, especially in that context.  I think talking about who they were and the relationship you had helps you get to know that person and vice-versa.  They were, after all, your life for many years. 

 

I am speaking more about those random things that should start phasing out at some point.  Last night, we went to dinner with this same couple I was speaking of, with the guy who brings up his ex-wife a lot.  We passed this restaurant and made a comment about it and my friend's husband went into this story of how he and ******* (said her name) "went there once and played darts and she had wanted to make it a regular thing but it wasn't his thing, and in retrospect, if he knew it had meant that much to her, maybe he would have... but what're you gonna do." I have to admit I cringed a lot for my friend. It was just so unnecessary to bring up his ex while out with his wife and friends. 

[anniegirl]

I am remarried almost nine years and I still weigh my words where LH is concerned.

 

I don't have to. My husband is widowed too and it doesn't bother him. But I just don't feel like LH has a place in my life. He is my way past. It just feels weird to include him.

 

I will say that my husband used to bring up LW a lot during the first year or so but he was coming out of a 25 yr marriage to someone he'd met while in high school. All of his formative young adult years were with her. I didn't marry until my mid-30's, so I have ton of life that is just me-centric where he was a husband and father from his late teens.

 

Anymore, late spouses usually only come up in context with kids. Or death. When we have our occasional discussions about "what if", we reference the things about our late spouses deaths and the immediate aftermath (mostly in terms of what we'd never do again).

 

I think you should do what makes you feel comfortable and what you think is best for your marriage.

[Melbar]

I was married from age 21 to 39, so I had almost that same span anniegirl - maybe that's why I am conscientious about it because I literally would have to include my LH in just about every story I tell since he encompassed my entire young adulthood. There are some things I'll talk about where he's absolutely relevant, but oftentimes I'll just turn it into an "I" story. 

 

You are right about what is best for your marriage - I just assume most people are more sensitive than they let on, so I tend to tread carefully when talking about the past. 

 

 

[lcoxwell]

My New Guy and I met very early on in the grieving process for me, and he can be credited with helping me with some of the hard work that needed to be done along the way. Right from the start, he encouraged me to talk about Kenneth, he asked questions, and he held me when I cried. Over time, though, as he and I drew closer and started building our own memories and experiences together, there was less of a need to talk about Kenneth. Now, one of us may bring him up, from time to time, usually when talking about the kids, but most of our conversations are about other people and things.

 

I am glad that New Guy is secure enough that I can bring up Kenneth, without New Guy feeling that I am clinging to my past or making comparisons. I am also glad that he is comfortable enough to bring Kenneth up in conversation, as well. More than that, though, I am glad that New Guy and I have our own separate relationship, with our own unique life experiences to share and to discuss and to enjoy.

[Guest TooSoon]

We talk about our late spouses all the time but we're both widowed and have children.  I've often said they are the sixth and seventh members of our family of five.  It has never been an issue and I sincerely hope it never will be. 

[daysofelijah]

I don't talk a whole lot about him. Occasionally I will say something in a memory or some fact that was a part of having children with or being married to late dh. I think NG tries to be comfortable with it, but I can tell it's a little hard for him. So I try to keep it at a minimum. At the beginning it was hard for me to hear at all about his x-wife or other past relationships, now that I'm more secure in our relationship I don't mind as much hearing about it. He doesn't talk overly much about it either though. Sometimes I feel like I should ask him more, but I suppose it will come with time.

[Torn]

This is a very interesting observation/consideration we take as widows.

 

  I kinda feel like my DW, gets 'sorta' treated as if she was a ex-wife in conversation with and lady friends that could turn into more...

  Sorta seems wrong,but human nature seems to require these conciderations, I.E.

using I rather than we, in conversation.

  Does that make sense, my DW was there in these 20 years of stories & I feel obligated to say 'I' rather than 'We',seems a lil wrong,but I suppose a necessary part of future relationship.

    Kinda makes a person understand why I've heard others make comments through time like:

Well , he never really talks about his 'DW',maybe its because the person felt it was inappropriate.

  any comments?

[Melbar]

That is another aspect to this, Torn - how much is too much... how little is too little.  Someone somewhere is just gonna get offended either way! 

 

One of my favorite things to discuss with my widower friend were funny stories about our spouses and the crazy things they would do.. like the time he and his wife argued and sort of gave each other the silent treatment for a day or two, and she put a peanut butter sandwich on his side of the bed - I loved getting to that point where I was able to laugh about the good times and lighter moments. 

 

Maybe the ex-factor is different because they are an "ex" for a reason... it is more difficult when I've heard these horrible things the person did, but then trying to be amused when I hear something lighter.  There's been such a shadow cast on the person that I don't really see anything they did as cute or endearing (although I know even bad marriages are not 100% all bad). 

[lcoxwell]

how much is too much... how little is too little. 

 

Sorta seems wrong,but human nature seems to require these conciderations, I.E.

using I rather than we, in conversation.....I feel obligated to say 'I' rather than 'We',seems a lil wrong,but I suppose a necessary part of future relationship.

 

  any comments?

 

I have come to realize that there can sometimes be a really fine line between saying too much and saying too little. If we hold back, if we say too little, then we can begin to feel that a very real part of our lives is being forgotten or is not being acknowledged. If we don't feel that we have a safe place to talk about our spouses, that can complicate our relationships, somewhat. At the same time, if we say too much, our new partners can feel that we are comparing or feel that they are not valued enough. That can lead to hurt feelings are can also complicate new relationships.

 

I also agree that it can seem unfair to have to consciously use "I" instead of "we", particularly when our spouse was such a large part of our lives. If we are to honor our new and future relationships, however, we can't constantly be talking about our past ones. As unfair as it may seem, to be ever focused on the past is not fair to our current or future partners, and they deserve our time and attention, too.

[gracelet]

Really helpful for me to read this.  I've been struggling to find the balance so thank you for sharing your thoughts.  I was on the verge of becoming a blogger for a very well known widowed site but it was the catalyst for a deep discussion with my girlfriend.  She said she would find it hard that I'm constantly talking about my wife publicly.  She recognises I'll always grieve, I'll always be in love, but she worries I'd get stuck and define myself as 'widow' more because of constantly writing about it.  Went with my gut and decided not to do it.  I want to honour our new relationship and give her, the living one that I love, my time and attention.

[Torn]

Melbar,

Very cool reply, I've just realised no one (prospected relationship ) wants to hear of another mate so often ,that they feel insignificant...but for history our spouces shouldn't be removed from conversation, because without them we wouldn't have become the person we are.