Remarriage and adult children

[mmg19]

NG and I are planning to marry in July.  We are both widowed and have a loving compatible relationship.  He has two grown children and both are married.  His daughter is 26, college educated, beautiful, and a source of pride and joy in his life.  I met the daughter and her husband at Christmas and immediately connected with her.

 

This past week NG flew to see her after a troublesome phone call.  She came home with him and will be obtaining a divorce shortly.  Apparently her husband,  20 years older and divorced for 19 years, was more interested in having a  young wife to train and have a full time prostitute than a wife, children, or an equal partner in marriage.  Details are unnecessary and not pleasant.  This confident and loving man is devastated and angry that he scoffed at his wife's fears that she felt a dark side to this man when she first met him and did not want her daughter to marry him.  After all he is financially successful and had no obvious baggage except for being extremely private.  Not saying being private is a red flag unless you are hiding something unsavory.

 

My children are young and I guess I thought that was the only issue we were needing to address.    NG and I are in love and totally committed to working through  this and helping his daughter heal and recover her self esteem to re-build her life. 

 

Re-coupling is more involved and complicated than falling in love and living happily ever after.  Just looking at life more realistically.  NG feels he let his daughter down by not listening to her mother and being more interested in allowing the marriage to take place before his wife died.  She died 3 months after the wedding. 

[Guest TooSoon]

I sent you a pm. 

[Abitlost]

Re-coupling is more involved and complicated than falling in love and living happily ever after. 

 

Yup.

 

It sounds like a messy situation for DIL and NG. It speaks volumes that she is getting out now while she has her whole life in front of her and reaches to the solid foundation she has in her Dad...try to remind him what a good job he has done in that that relationship is solid. I hope peace comes for all you soon.

 

abl

[mmg19]

Yes, abl, it is messy and not something that will ever be discussed publicly.  NG was and is an amazing father and their close relationship speaks volumes in validating his parental role.  I'm just trying to be the calm one and be his rock as he processes the anger he is feeling toward this sleazeball of a man.  Thanks for responding.

[anniegirl]

When my husband and I married, his girls were 22 and 24. He told me that I wouldn't need to worry about parenting them b/c they were grown up and didn't need mothering.

 

Flash forward nine years and I can tell you, I've done plenty of parenting with both. But at that age, it's more just listening and sharing your own experiences and offering take it/leave it advice (which is pretty much all a parent can do when they are adults).

 

It's good his daughter has both of you. She will need that support.

 

Your guy though shouldn't beat himself up. His wife's hunch could have just as easily turned out to be wrong as right. And his daughter needs him in the now and not stuck beating himself up about the past.

 

 

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

i hope NG doesn't beat himself up about this too, too much.  Young people are pretty notorious for doing what they want to do.

 

Current Beau and I were disappointed last summer  when his older daughter decided to marry with only her sister and the groom's best friend in attendance.  His mother didn't approve of the marriage, and his attitude was if his parents didn't attend, it wasn't fair for hers to be there, either. Beau tried to explain, as gently as he could, that that sounded sort of childish and unkind.  She went ahead with the groom's wishes anyway.

 

* sigh*  I didn't care if I went, but it seems like Current Beau and Ex-wife should have been invited.  A child has since been conceived.  I hope the peevishness exhibited about the wedding was a one-off.  We shall see.