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Introduction to children


Virgo
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How soon did you introduce your children to your significant other?  I realize that answers will vary and there's not a magical amount of time. I'm just wondering what your thoughts and experiences were on this topic.

 

My oldest daughter  (16) would like to meet the guy I've been dating, but I think it's to soon. I mentioned it to him and he said maybe we should have dinner together to curb her curiosity. Her sisters weren't to sure about meeting him.

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BF and I started chatting online in mid September. We met in early November. Mutually agreed to be exclusive in late December. DD met him last week. I wanted to introduce them far more quickly than I thought I would. But I also found myself having much stronger feelings about him than I ever thought I would about another man. I had a lot of notions in my head. I thought I would want to wait six months to make introductions, but I also didn't anticipate saying I love you so soon and without  feeling conflicted about it. However, she is only 3 1/2 and has no memory of her father. And I feel very strongly about him; if things  were to not work out, I would not see myself going down this road for a very long time. What are your feelings towards him? Do you see this being long term?

 

 

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Guest TooSoon

I'm a bit of an "off-beat" parent by the standards of the suburbia in which I live, but if I had a teen who asked to meet my boyfriend, I would honor that.  I think the alternatives could be quite worse.    Only you know where the relationship is going but she knows it is happening - it is not like by not meeting him she's going to think you don't have a boyfriend - and she's asked to meet him so I would arrange that.  I would give her the respect of validating her request.  In one of the thousands of parenting books I've read in the past 5 years, I remember reading the advice that if a child asks a question, the child deserves an honest answer.  I try to live by that.  Except when the child (9) asked me what a "sex-tape" is.  ??????????? 

 

Shortly after adp and I "hooked up" (lol), he came to visit for a weekend while I was working in Italy.  My daughter was with me and I asked her (she knew I had a "friend" in England), "Do you want to meet him?  Do you want to spend time with him and get to know him?"  And she said unequivocally, that she wanted to meet him but she did not want to spend time with him.  So we did that.  Another 8 months passed before I asked again and then she was ready.  I'm making everything up as I go along but following her cues on this has paid off handsomely. 

 

I suspect others will disagree but that's ok.  I'm just offering my 2 cents.   

 

 

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Having gone through this twice - once successfully and once not - I would recommend waiting a little longer than you first think you should.  There is absolutely no reason to rush anything but I think there is the potential for some harm if things were to not work out down the road.  Maybe not a lot of harm, but enough to complicate things more than is necessary.

 

Edited to add: Sorry, I realized I didn't answer your question.  I introduced my first girlfriend to my kids (age 13, 10, and 7 at that time) at around two months and regretted it soon after we broke up a few weeks later :(  I didn't wait much longer to introduce my now-fianc?e, but it was clear that things were much more settled in the relationship and that she would likely be here for the long term.  Plus, the kids were older.

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We introduced ourselves to our respective children only after we were certain that we were a couple in for the long haul. In our case that was after two or three months of exclusive dating. At the same time we began our blending of our families.

 

We took it slow but steady progress was made towards making us one family every week from then on out.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

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Guest TooSoon

I should qualify and mention that adp and I wrote for 6 months before we met so the progression of our relationship is a bit different.  I did listen to my child but I was very cautious on all fronts for a long time, and  it has unfolded over many months, just like our relationship did; our blending is ongoing and going well. I also didn't introduce M to adp as a real factor in our lives until I was sure this was it. 

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My daughter was four when I met my husband. She knew I had a ldr friend and she was aware when I went to met him for the first time.

 

He didn't meet her until we'd decided we were in it for the "forever".

 

The first time was at her school actually. He'd arrived for a a week long holiday trip and went with me to pick her up from her pre-school.

 

She knew he was coming because we'd talked about it and she wanted him to come along when I picked her up that day.

 

Husband waited on the edge of the playground while I collected her from the jungle gym where she was playing with her bff. As I was helping her with her jacket, her little friend asked, "Is that your daddy?"

 

DD said, "Yes," and she ran over to him and held her arms up to be carried.

 

Just to note. DD had no relationship with my late husband, her father. He was sick her whole life and by the time she was old enough to really interact, he was suffering from profound dementia and physical disability. The last year of his life, he was bedridden and probably vegetative though the DRs always hedged on that.

 

So, unlike her friends, she didn't have a daddy who picked her up at school. Her initial reaction was probably more about wanting to be like everyone else than anything else but it was curious because she hated being carried by strangers. And she didn't allow just anyone to pick her up.

 

My meeting my future step-daughters was probably more fraught with anxiety on all sides but my husband's. He was pretty exasperated when the oldest one balked a bit because he thought he's made it clear to both girls long before he met me that his dating/possible serious relationships of the future were not open for debate. He accepted their choices for dating prospects without much comment and he expected the same from them.

 

So I met the younger daughter (who was 22) when he brought her for a weekend visit - that went pretty well but I didn't met the oldest (24) until days before our wedding. Her choice. Though she and I had emailed back/forth a bit. And it all worked out. Largely because my husband simply wouldn't accept anything else but also because the girls are very open and generous people.

 

Kids who are open are pretty easy to introduce. Kids who are not should probably be allowed some say in to the how/when but with the realization that if a relationship is a long haul, they will eventually have to suck it up whether they are keen to or not.

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I waited a long time before mine even knew I was dating because I was following their cues and then proceeded very slowly because of the resistance of the older two.  We are very gradually making some real progress so I'm glad I did it the way I did.  Your situation seems very different and if she would like to meet him and you think it's serious than why not.  I would say first meeting should be less than sit down dinner though in case she ends up being not as comfortable as she thinks she might be.  I think that meeting someone you are dating is different than having your kids establish a relationship with someone who may not be long term in their lives. 

 

Follow your gut, you know your girls the best.

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I have been dating NG for over 2 years.  I was a little vague at the beginning with my then 16 and 18 yr old as the relationship was a little on and off to begin with.  After a while they met but their first few meetings were brief, sort of passing in the night . He'd come to the door to pick me up and my kids were in the kitchen...hi....hello ...that's about it.

We have not been moving toward a combined family, so there was no rush to have my guys to meet.

My older one has always been willing to meet and do things but my younger one has resisted. When I have NG over to watch movies etc, my kids will pass through the living room going about their normal activities but still little interaction.

Only after dating solidly for a year did NG  and I do something with my older son. We chose to go out and play a game of pool. I liked the idea of the activity , not just sitting at the dinner table. I don't force my younger one to socialize with NG.

 

So that's my story so far

 

I think with a 16 year old that has asked for an introduction, I would honour that request. She is probably curious

Personalities and age ,as well as where you think you want your relationship to end up play a big part in when and how your children to introduce your new partner.

Anyways good luck with whatever you decide.

 

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My situation started a little odd. NG and I met online, but the first time we met irl he came to my place to do some work tilling my garden for me. It was all his idea, he thought it would be a perfect quick first meeting, and I wouldn't have to get a babysitter. Considerate, yes, but I really wanted a date, not a gardener, lol. So I resisted at first, but it turned out okay. He came over did the work, and then sat and visited with us for a few hours. He said he was just going to be there to do the garden, and then he had to leave, but he must have liked me and stayed so long I was the one hinting that he had to go.

 

So he actually met the kids the same time I met him. He's always been insistent and understanding about the kids coming first. I met his sons (15 & 18) pretty early on too, maybe 6 weeks in? Though that was more just in a passing, quick introduction while meeting up at his place before we went out.

 

Being in our situation with 6 kids between us, and mine being so young, the kids are involved in almost everything we do. So all along it's been pretty perfect. His younger son has gone on a few "family" events with us and it's been good.

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My children are young adults (18 & 20, respectively) and living in other states. They met New Guy for the first time at about 6 months after he and I had first started seeing each other. At the time, my daughter and her then fiance had come into town for a pre-wedding reception dinner, with their friends and family in CA, before moving to NC for their wedding. Since my in-laws were supposed to come to the reception, but backed out at the last minute, seriously disappointing my daughter, it was nice to have New Guy there and made for a good first impression. He has since met my son one other time, right before my son followed his sister and also moved to NC a few months ago. New Guy has not met any of my step-children, who are all in other states, as well.

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Thank you for sharing your experiences!  Dating with children can be challenging. I really like the guy that I'm dating, we talk about attending future events together, but we just started dating in January. I think I will hold off on introductions a little while longer. If my 16yo keeps asking I will consider introducing her to him in passing. Her sisters aren't ready yet.

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