Passing Away

[Euf]

I?m not sure why this bothers me so much.

 

A salesman came into work this week. I?ve known him in a business setting for about 25 years.  It has been a few years since I?ve seen him and he mentioned that his wife passed away last year. She had a heart attack and died instantly.

 

For as long as I can remember I?ve had a problem with the phrase ?passed away?.

 

I?ve never understood what it meant.  I guess it would make some sort of sense if the person that died progressed from being healthy through various medical issues and then slowly, little by little their body gave out until they died.

 

But if that definition is valid, I guess ?passed away? would apply to my husband.  He was healthy and then cancer and chemo broke him down until he was a bald, skinny, invalid.  He died inch by inch, day by day.

 

?Passed away? seems so peaceful.  So inconsequential.  My husband had a good death if there is such a thing. But he didn?t ?pass away?. 

 

A hole opened up in the world when he died. Death pulled him out of my arms and out of my life.  He didn?t pass away. He was torn away from me. A hole was ripped into the world and he was taken away and it can?t be fixed. It was not easy for me. It was not peaceful for me.  It was not inconsequential to me.

 

I don't know why it upset me to hear about some one passing away.  Why what someone chooses to use to explain a death bothers me so much. But when I die, I hope someone cares about me enough to say I died, not that I passed away.

 

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

I'm not really fond of this term, either, but it seems like many other people prefer it over the harsh reality of "died".  It doesn't describe the reality of my husbands' deaths.  One died after a protracted decline, and the other died quite unexpectedly in his sleep.  It seems to be somewhat cultural.  I suppose some people might not be comfortable with the term "lost" - but I use that one myself...I lost my first husband 6 1/2 years ago and I lost my second husband 2 years ago.  But they really aren't lost...I know where they are.  I'm the one who is really lost...

 

Maureen

[BrokenHeart2]

I have to agree, since I lost DH I too dont like that term "passed away"  no, he died but early on I couldn't say those words without crying.  I am surprised by how I can say it now without becoming a blubbering mess.  I guess acceptance and time of this horrid reality brings a change I never thought would happen to me earlier on.  With Valentines day tomorrow and being last name Vallentyne just elevates it that much more for me (we had so much fun with that)..... it was just our day and tomorrow will be the the 3rd one without him.  I'm just going to huddle in with this -35C (-31F for my American wids) and watch tv. Other family issues, Im done for tonight anyway.

Passed Away....ugh.

[ManutesGirl]

Yup, don't like that phrase either.  There are some situations that I do say that but usually I say my husband died a few years ago.  If that makes someone uncomfortable that's on them, not me.

[Quixote]

I think I'm in the minority here, but I tend to say "passed away".  It's still hard for me to even type "died". 

[klim]

I say Passed away.

I say died.

And I say i lost my husband.

 

I actually think the lost one is the strangest...where did he go I can't find him???

[Quixote]

I have that dream. Where she walks into the room and asks me why I'm so sad, and says "Silly man, I've been RIGHT here this WHOLE time!"  I always did need her to find my car keys.  She titled herself Finder of Lost Things.

 

 

 

 

[Nuggets]

I don't mince -- he died, he's dead.

 

Pancreatic Cancer isn't pretty enough for blurred edges or soft words. 

 

I give a pass to 'passed away' but 'lost' will never be a descriptor for what happened that July day ... he was stolen from me / us by a hideous and ugly disease.

[anniegirl]

People use the words that fit their feelings, personality or reflect their upbringing.

 

We tend to parse them a bit more because it's very personal.

 

Passed or passed away tells me that the other person might believe in an afterlife.

 

Lost is just that. A person has lost a part of their life and self.

 

Died is blunt and signals that the conversation on that particular topic is over.

 

But that's just me.

 

We can't do much about other people's word choices aside from note them for future reference.

[Guest TooSoon]

More power to those who believe in a hereafter.  I do not. My husband died.  He is dead.  It is over.  My daughter does not have a father. We must go on living. It is as simple as that.  Sometimes I wish there was something more to analyze, but there is not. Not in my mind anyway. 

[SoVerySad]

I'm guessing the term people use comes from what they've heard others use or what is common locally. My in-laws always say their son passed away. It is commonly used in this area. I said it at first as well, mainly because it was very hard for me to say the actual word that he had died. Then I decided to force myself to use the term died, so that I worked toward acknowledgment of it. It still hurts to use any term now, but I mostly say he died.

 

I don't really have an issue with any term people use. Passed away works for me, because I believe he did pass from this realm away to another realm where his soul still exists. Lost works for me as well as I guess I tie it to loss. I still feel the loss of him from my life every day. I agree that none of these terms seem significant enough to recognize the impact of the person no longer being here. I'm not even sure adequate words exist that could express that in a shortened manner. To those of us left here to carry on without them, the result is devastating.

 

 

[Jen]

I would never tell anyone else what words to use, but I also hate the phrase "passed away." My husband died. He threw a blood clot and it went to his lungs. (Maybe there were several, I have no idea. They wouldn't consider an autopsy, and in retrospect, I suppose it was pointless.) He fought tooth and nail, but in less than an hour, he succumbed. There was no "passing" about it. When I'm feeling especially raw, I say he dropped dead-- but that's not entirely true. He really did try to stay.

 

I like the thought of their souls passing into another realm. I always believed that, or thought I did... now I just don't know. I'm not afraid to die, but I do wonder if he'll be there waiting, or everything will just go dark. I find that I don't really care anymore. But that's just me...