Nope. Just... nope.

[Jen]

There's no escape from this roller coaster, is there? I'm so tired. I wish it would all just go away.

[SoVerySad]

Sending you big, tight hugs, Jen. I have no idea if there is a way off the roller coaster. Right now I've settled on believing this sadness and pain will always be a part of me now. The only thing I know to do is to try to find as much goodness and happy times to make it bearable. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying to get myself a plan to do so. I do believe that we are all uniquely changed by our losses, just as our relationships and circumstances are all different. It is hard, because it seems like even the happy times are accompanied by pain or wistfulness.

 

I have hated roller coasters my whole life. I preferred the merry-go-round and the sleighs instead of the horses (lame, I know). This widowed life feels like a combination rollercoaster and fun house to me (those ones with all the mazes you have to find your way out of and the distorted mirrors like all the changes in our lives). I do hope someday we can disembark the roller coaster and at least have a choice about the next ride we find ourselves on.

 

Sending you love and more hugs, sweet friend!

[Mr C]

SVS, I like roller coasters, but was never a fan of the fun house. No wonder I am so done with this ride.

 

Jen, sending you (((hugs))). That is about all I got; this grief is exhausting.

[Jen]

(((((HUGS))))))

 

Not lame. I love carousels. We have one here called the Flying Horses, one of two survivors from the early part of the twentieth century, and I adore it.

 

I like roller coasters too, but not this one. I'm sick of this one, and I WANT OFF. I'm tired. I'm scared and lonely and hopeless, and I'm afraid I will never be anything else. I do what I have to do, I get up every morning and go to work or get my kids off to school. I pay the bills. I just finished another degree (that's five, if anyone is counting, but so the eff what?). I want to do something different, I want to BE someone different-- someone who doesn't hurt all the time and cry every night and wish for amnesia just to get some relief.

 

I was laughing with my kids a couple nights ago (I do laugh, sometimes)-- my daughter was fixing my hair, and I joked that I was "a pretty pretty princess," even if no prince is looking for me. My younger son got very serious and said, "You are not a princess, Mum. You are our mom, and we love you, and that should be enough."

 

Dagger in the heart. Maybe it should be enough... it's not. I can't be just Mum for the rest of my life. I love my kids more than anything, they're why I'm still  here, but... surely there's something left for me? Am I wrong for even thinking that?

 

I just want to scream. Maybe I will, when I get to the car. Sigh...

[SoVerySad]

No, Jen, you are not wrong at all in thinking you need something more than your kids. My life completely revolves around my kids right now. It is what has kept me going since T died. But I know I have to find more, something for me. Not just because I deserve it, but more so because I feel it will be an unfair burden for my children to end up being/feeling responsible for my happiness.  I'm sure hearing your son say those words hurt deeply. I am equally sure that in another 10 years from now, he's going to appreciate that you've found something for yourself, rather than be focused solely on him.

 

I still fully believe you will find more, because you are terrific. I wish I could tell you when. Let's keep holding on together, okay?

 

BTW, 5 degrees in very impressive. You all who have been able to continue schooling since the loss of your spouses amaze me. My concentration and memory still haven't recovered, let alone my drive. Good job!

 

Love and tight hugs....

[Jen]

I am so over it. I am just so. Freaking. Over it. I want to rip the scarlet W off my chest. I want to be a whole different person. I'm tired of feeling-- I want to just be an android for awhile.

[Amor]

Hi Jen,

I am feeling like that as well.  This is not the life I ever wanted.  I do means until old and gray and you can not remember anymore and you both die together in each others arms. I never wanted to be alone. With out the one I love so much. So not fair.

Amor

[Jen]

It's not fair. It will never, ever be fair. Nothing will ever make it right, no matter how much I scream and cry and rant at the universe. People talk about finding your purpose-- right now I'm inclined to think that's useless for me. I tried. It was suggested to me that my purpose was to be useful and help others, and I tried. I tried, and I failed, and I just can't do it anymore. Unless I'm here to set a world's record for gallons of tears shed, I don't see any good reason to keep going, other than I have no choice.

[BrokenHeart2]

Jen, from a very young age my Dad always told us kids (6 of us) that life isn't fair.  Yup, he was so right and now I get why at a young age he drilled that into our heads.  No its not fair and now I'm learning just how fucking unfair it is.  He did that for a reason as I'm learning at the age of 55. Yesterday was his 27th sadiversary and Mom told me to hang on. She's been my rock, even though she is 84 and bedridden and not long on this earth.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to keep going because you have no choice.

This all sucks but we have to find a way to take baby steps to rebuild our lives like others before us did.  Our western culture has imposed the impression that we all be happy all the time.  That's bullshit. I see that you are just under 2 yrs that DH died, that was horrid for me at that time frame.  I'm coming up to 3 yrs in May and I've seen a change and shift in perspective in me since then.  I know we all grieve differently, I've learned a lot from our seasoned wids and just keep trusting that things will improve.  Maybe not as fast as we would like them too but they will in due time.  I hope you find a way to hang on to that too.

Big giant virtual hugs to you!!

[Jen]

(((((((HUGS)))))))

 

Nope, not fair. Nothing fair about it. But then... it just seems like life is more fair for others, you know? Kind of like Animal Farm: "All animals are equal. Some animals are more equal than others." I definitely feel like one of the less equal animals.

 

And while I'm on a rant... I'm so tired of being told "it's up to you" and "only you can change your life" and "chin up, things will get better." NO IT'S NOT, NO I CAN'T, AND NO THEY FUCKING WILL NOT. I have ZERO proof of that. What I have is day after day after day of being empty and lost and broken and miserable. Fine, yes, okay, it's a terrible attitude, but I have no evidence that anything will ever change (yes! absolutist black-and-white thinking! sue me!!) and no faith that anything good will ever happen again. I don't even know what I want anymore... I just know I don't have it. And I have no clue what to do, or where to begin to try to find out.

[Amor]

(((Jen)))

 

[Portside]

 

And while I'm on a rant... I'm so tired of being told "it's up to you" and "only you can change your life" and "chin up, things will get better." NO IT'S NOT, NO I CAN'T, AND NO THEY FUCKING WILL NOT. I have ZERO proof of that. What I have is day after day after day of being empty and lost and broken and miserable. Fine, yes, okay, it's a terrible attitude, but I have no evidence that anything will ever change (yes! absolutist black-and-white thinking! sue me!!) and no faith that anything good will ever happen again.

 

Jen, I honestly mean this gently and with great affection - to hold this view is a recipe for unending heartache and a self-fulfilling prophecy. If one cannot climb out of the hole they are in, one must enlist the help of others.

 

PM me if you wish - I'm happy to do whatever I can.

 

Best regards - Mike

[Guest TooSoon]

Jen, Try to think about the things you are doing right and the happinesses that you have in your life.  I know that you know what they are.  Yes, it is an ongoing process and yes, it can be horrifically lonely.  I've changed so much since Scott died!  But it was necessary to adapt, to change my perspective, to think less about the future and more about making the present a place I want to be.  I haven't solved it entirely, as everyone here well knows, but I also don't think that this ever completely goes away and it is important to be ok with that - you cannot will it away, but you can find a place for it and put it away and try to get on with living.  You're doing that and more.  And Portside is right, there is help out there.  If you're not seeing a counselor, please consider it; mine has helped me enormously.  I can help you find a good one through my LR connections.  I am also here if you want to talk.

[Mrskro]

And I have no clue what to do, or where to begin to try to find out.

 

Jen;

 

I can relate to this.  I don't know where to begin to re-write my life I already had planned out.  This isn't fair to any of us.  I am in awe of you and your 5 degrees, I can't imagine going back to school, heck I can barely get it together to help the kids with their homework. 

 

Hang in there!  and HUGS!

[lcoxwell]

Jen, I have come back to this several times, since you originally posted, thinking that I might have the words to say in order to make things better or to encourage you in some way. Sadly, I just have not been able to put into words what I want to be able to express. Just know that I am here and that I love you; and I see you making progress along the way, even if you aren't able to see it. It's true, none of this is fair, and none of this is easy. I truly wish things could be easier for you, and in time, I believe you will have a better perspective. In the meantime, I am sending you much love and virtual hugs, and I hope that you can find at least a little peace, soon.

[Jen]

I'm so sorry that I haven't had the words to respond... I wish I could say things had improved. On some level, they have, sort of-- I think I have finally accepted that this life is what I have, exactly as it is, and all the wishing and pleading in the world won't change that. Things may change down the road or they may not, but even though I have the best cheerleaders in the world, in the end it comes down to me and how I face it.

 

Right now my kids are really struggling. I feel a little more at peace, but they're having a harder time than ever. Almost two years... it doesn't even seem possible, and it seems like a million years ago and a day ago at the same time.

 

Hugs. Thank you all for hearing me. I'm trying to improve my attitude, I really am...

 

So much love,

 

Jen