I am so unappreciative and selfish. I hate myself because of it

[keeptrying]

I am so unappreciative and selfish. I have healthy amazing wonderful children. I put on smiles, take them places, do the best I can do. I love them more than life itself. I live to see them happy. I want to do the best I can do for them - On the inside. Oh the inside is just deep sadness. Just the pit of sadness that never ever goes away. I have SO much to be thankful and grateful for, and here, on the insides the pain eats me away. Why can't it stop? I know what I have, I am so SO thankful to have it. But I have this sickening hurt inside. It makes me think I am not strong. Makes me feel guilty and selfish for having this pain. If I have so much to be thankful for, and kids to live for, then why do I walk around with this unbearable weight on my shoulders holding me down. I hide it well, very well. This month though has been a slug in the gut every day. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many activities I do with the kids. I can't seem to shake it. I feel like a terrible person because of it.

[SoVerySad]

KT, you are not a terrible person. I literally just had this conversation with another wid about feeling guilty about still feeling so miserable when we have so many blessings. I think it is really imperative to break it down as the two emotions - feeling grateful and being miserable - aren't mutually exclusive in the crazy life of widowhood. Of course, you love your children as much as you ever have, perhaps even more. They hold such a precious space in your life. But we can't pretend that we haven't also experienced great loss that we need to grieve- the loss of our spouses who also held their own precious space in our lives.

 

I'm further out than you are as you know. I have beaten myself up so many times for feeling just as you wrote. Why am I still feeling so broken when I have so much to be thankful for, particularly my kids who have always been so very precious to me? I have learned that I have had to let the guilt over that issue go. My feelings are my feelings. Period. I have to feel them and process them. I wish I didn't have to, honestly, but I do. My sadness at losing my best friend and love of my life doesn't mean I don't still have deep appreciation for the other blessings I have.

 

You are still recognizing how blessed you are. You're overcoming your daily pain (that probably makes you feel like you'd like to curl up and just sleep to avoid the pain) by doing your best to continue to make your children's life as happy as you can. That shows you appreciate the blessings they are and that you are not selfish. It takes enormous amounts of energy and strength to balance those seemingly conflicting emotions. Please don't add pressure onto yourself by feeling guilty for feelings which are normal. It is clear how deeply you love your husband. Your children can't take his place or fill the void he left.

 

Hating yourself will not help anyone - not you or your children. You've been put into a difficult situation and you are doing your best. At the end of the day, that is all any of us can do. You are keeping on living, even though right now it doesn't feel much like living. Savor every moment of happiness you get from your children and forgive yourself for the humanity of experiencing the deep loss that results from the giving of deep love.

 

Sending you and your beautiful children love and tight hugs...

[Jen]

All I can say is ME TOO. Sigh. ((((((HUGS)))))))

[mo12]

It makes me think I am not strong. Makes me feel guilty and selfish for having this pain.

You are doing your best.  And obviously doing an amazing job under the circumstances.  I'll bet if you saw one of us going through the same thing, you wouldn't think of us as selfish or not strong.  We are always hardest on ourselves.  I too feel guilty for not being appreciative... especially of my parents who have helped out a lot with my little one.  I feel somewhat bitter though that I had to move back to my hometown to have help, leaving my friends and my home and my job after such a big loss already... so I think I kind of take it out on them... "unappreciative" is a gentle word for it, I'll bet I seem like a b*tch sometimes!  But I am doing my best, I try to say thank you, and I try to hold it together.  That's all we can do at this point.