My Dad died and my tears are all used up

[linda5]

My Dad died last month, he was almost 84 and had severe Parkinsons, then got pneumonia, then had a heart attack.  Was able to tell my Mom, and me & my 6 siblings goodbye.  My siblings, and Mom, are having somewhat of a tough time.  I have not cried for my Dad, and I had a good Dad.  But I loved my husband more.  The tears I shed were still for my husband, and not my Dad.  This is my siblings first major loss, and I'm like ... I've seen worse.  I did love my Dad, but I'm afraid I've grown into a uncaring, calloused person.  I keep talking outloud now to my Dad telling him that I do love him, but losing my husband was so much worse and it just sucked everything out of me.

 

The last thing I did was give me Dad 3 kisses before he died, one for him, one for Jesus, and the last is for him to personally deliver to my husband, and tell him how his dying screwed me up!  (I know, I know, I was making it all about me.)  I bet I've cried enough tears to make my own personal lake!

 

Anyway, now my Mom is in my camp.  She's saying the same things I remember saying.  I think my Mom finally gets how I feel and it's nice to be able to share some of these feelings with my Mom who now understands.

[Portside]

... I've seen worse.  I did love my Dad, but I'm afraid I've grown into a uncaring, calloused person.

 

Linda, please accept my sympathy on the loss of your father. And please stop beating yourself up - you certainly are not a 'uncaring, calloused person'.

 

My Pop was everything to me but when he died, I also did not cry much or grieve as hard as I did before. As you said - I've seen worse. I felt a kinship with my Mom regarding the loss of a spouse that we didn't have before and we were (and are) very close. I felt I was able to give her back some of the care and advice she had showered on me throughout my life.

 

Best wishes - Mike

 

 

 

 

[canadiangirl]

My sincere condolences for the loss of your father. My greatest fear other than something happening to my child right now is the loss of a parent.  Take care.

[BrokenHeart2]

Linda, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Father. 

My Dad died over 20 yrs ago and after DH died I remember saying to my Mom this is so much worse. She was so matter of fact and said of course it is. I was blown away by her response but she was right.  She lived and experienced it.  I have 5 siblings and they have no idea. My Mom is my bigest advocate and support. Y'all are the next ones!

Big hugs Linda5

[Gabzmom]

Linda, my condolences for your loss. 

[SoVerySad]

Oh Linda, I'm so sorry. You are definitely not an uncaring, calloused person. I lost both of my grandparents who raised me, so my parents to me. It was terribly painful as I had become caregivers to both and loved them so very much. But their losses were no where near as hard and painful as losing my husband was. It isn't about how much you loved someone as much as it is how deeply your life was intertwined with theirs. Your husband was your future and the father of your children. There is no comparison to any other relationship really, so please don't feel hardened if the grief of the loss of your father hurts less.

 

Sending you love and tight hugs...

[momtokam]

So sorry Linda...sending the biggest hugs.

You are not uncaring in any way. Please never forget that.

Life just likes to mess with our heads some times.

[Justin]

Linda,

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. When my died, I hadn't seen him for about 3 years and probably not talked to him in 2.5 years. My sorrow was more about never being able to resolve the issues that lead to our estrangement than actually losing him. I had mostly let go of him before he died...

 

Losing Marsha hurt way, way more - and still does. we had dreams to finish together, and my life was built with her. Although I always loved my dad, I didn't define myself as his son. However, being a husband was a big part of my identity.

 

Tight hugs to you and your mom. Take care.

[Virgo]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

My mom died three months before my husband died. She had suffered with ALS for almost 7 years. I grieved the inevitable long before.  My husband was going through chemotherapy treatments when my mom died. Needless to say it was all very overwhelming. I was just numb. My tears and grief came later for my mom. We were really close.

[ieh21]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are not uncaring. Your father's death is very sad, you have lost a lot, and the context is simply different. You will grieve your father differently, not with tears, but in a different way.

 

It's nice, in a sad way, that you can now comfort your mother, having been there first. not the same experience, but the same loss.

 

Good luck to all of you.

[Sugarbell]

Oh Linda I am so so sorry. Your Dad was blessed to have you with him at the end.❤️💚💙

[hikermom]

I'm so sorry Linda. Please know you are not uncaring. Your father was 84 years old - by any standards that is a ripe old age. That is when people are supposed to die.

 

My father died last year at the age of 90. I did not shed a tear. It wasn't that I didn't love him - I did and still do. It wasn't that I don't miss him - I do. I had a good relationship with my dad. I was the baby in the family and he greatly loved my daughter and me. But he was 90. That is when you are meant to die - not at the young age of our spouses.

 

I briefly thought I was a horrible daughter but that truly was a fleeting thought. Even my daughter, for whom he was her favorite grandparent, did not really cry. She's 12. We both cried while scattering his ashes with my siblings and nieces but it was more for the pain I saw in my siblings, nieces and daughter. I just felt that he lived a long, good life. My husband did not get to.

 

I think what you felt is very normal. It does not reflect badly on you. I think we all have a different reality than most of our friends and family. They won't really know until they join the "club."

 

My condolences on your dad's death.