Helen Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Not been on for a while, this has been a tough few months. I am now dating again though and sometimes feel so much out of the loop that I am like a goldfish in a shark pool. What is and is not acceptable on first dates when you are in your 40s? First sexual encounters, should I expect slow comfortable, straightforward sex, or are men trying to impress by serving up a banquet? How long do you wait if he is a nice guy but there does not seem to be a spark? Do all men expect suggestive texts before even meeting? What are the normals here from your experiences? I know these are a little like 'how long is a piece of string?' questions but maybe some of you can help. Thanks in advance from a little swimming Scottish goldfish! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 The only advise I could offer is do what feels comfortable to you. Every guy is different but from most of my experiences with "dating" and from hearing women's stories there are a lot (a lot) of jerks around these days. I met nice people on dating sites and in person but 10 different people will give 10 different opinions. Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 What is and is not acceptable on first dates when you are in your 40s? First sexual encounters, should I expect slow comfortable, straightforward sex, or are men trying to impress by serving up a banquet? How long do you wait if he is a nice guy but there does not seem to be a spark? Do all men expect suggestive texts before even meeting? Wow ? lots of questions here. Here?s my take (from the viewpoint as if I was still dating): The ?lady? offers sex on first date? Thank you very much!! Congratulations! You are no longer in the running for a serious relationship with me but I?ll call you whenever my hormones overwhelm my good sense for a booty call if I?ve been drinking, am lonely, or have seen all the offerings on HBO. I?ll keep you on the string until you wise up and start treating yourself with a measure of respect. Oh yeah, my mates will hear all about it to. 1st encounter? ? it will be different for every couple. That?s part of the fun after deciding to be intimate with someone. In all cases, it better be respectful of what both parties are comfortable with or the relationship will be very short lived (or, at best, very unhappy on at least one persons part). How long do you wait if he is a nice guy but there does not seem to be a spark? ? Ummm, perhaps forever? If you just want to get laid stick your head out of your window and make you wishes known. I?m certain someone will answer your call very quickly. Do the guy a favor and save him the $$ for the date. Do all men expect suggestive texts before even meeting? ? No, no and hell no! If this is your experience you need to change the group of guys you?re meeting or communicating with. Helen, forgive me and perhaps I?m reading the post wrong but from where I sit, this sounds a bit desperate. Guys can pick up on desperation from a mile away ? and treat you badly as a result. Take a deep breath, and start off but just sticking a toe into the dating pool ? you don?t have to dive in head first right away. I'm pulling for you - Good luck! - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Not all men expect suggestive texts. My boyfriend was a complete and total gentleman, to the point where I was starting to wonder if he was attracted to me, because he worked so hard to make sure I didn't think that was all he was interested in. I only went out with a handful of other guys; none of the were creepers. But my approach was to message for a bit before meeting, or talk on the phone. Only one guy that I interacted with offline (in a phone conversation) crossed a line. My boyfriend was so exceptionally nice, really beyond almost anything I'd ever experienced. And I recognized that I have been hurt a great deal, and what I really needed was someone nice. That, plus the fact that I found him really easy to talk to, kept me wanting to get to know him better. He is also very smart and funny, but it took awhile for that to be fully revealed to me, I think because he's not big on talking about himself. But the niceness, that was apparent from the start, and I'm so glad it drew me in, because other aspects of our relationship have turned out to be really incredible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Deleted. Surely wouldn't want to anger anyone with... an asked for, opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 I'm probably not the right person to give advice because I am in a relationship with the first person I went on a date with after my DH died. I am in my 40's and I was worried and clueless about any rules of dating since the last first date I went on was when I was 19. My boyfriend and I talked for 2 weeks before our first date, for hours every night, so he was well aware of my situation and let me take the lead on when and how the intimate part of our relationship would progress. I even asked him to get a full STD work up before having sex with him. A good man will let you set the pace and a good man will be attracted to you for being your authentic self. Don't do anything that does not feel comfortable to you just because you think it's expected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 The ?lady? offers sex on first date? Thank you very much!! Congratulations! You are no longer in the running for a serious relationship with me but I?ll call you whenever my hormones overwhelm my good sense for a booty call if I?ve been drinking, am lonely, or have seen all the offerings on HBO. I?ll keep you on the string until you wise up and start treating yourself with a measure of respect. Oh yeah, my mates will hear all about it to. Well. That's some fabulous bit of slut-shaming right there. But it seems that only women are considered slutty for 'putting out' too soon? Apparently, a man is merely being an opportunist, not also being a slutty slut. And it's perfectly okay to kiss and tell when the woman is not considered 'worthy' of your respect, but interesting you're not worried what your friends will think of you and your own loose morals for fucking her so quickly. I've slept with more than one serious boyfriend on the first date (including my husband). I'm feeling very fortunate that the men I've been in relationships with weren't hypocrites. Helen, I'm so glad to see you are dating again. I don't have any advice since I ended up with someone I knew in college- basically came right up to my porch with very little effort on my part. All I can say is, try to listen to your instincts- what feels right *for you*. Caution is not a bad thing, but neither is having a bit of fun... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 I'm dating the first guy I went out with since dh died so not a lot of experience, but I'm 40, lol, so I can share what little I have. BF and I met on match. Talked for a few days on the match messaging, then we exchanged #s and texted for a few more days and talked once. He's not a talker on the phone, nor am I so texts are most of our communication. We met about a week or so after first contact. He came to my house to do some work for me outside, odd first meeting imo and I resisted at first, but he convinced me. It was the middle of the day, my kids were home, and we were outside and I have close neighbors with pretty much no privacy in our yard. Our first real date was to the movies I think, a few days later. And about 2 weeks into it he asked to be exclusive. As far as sex, I had only ever been with my late dh, but after 3 years w/o I was not interested in waiting very long. I think we waited 7 weeks, he would have waited longer, but I didn't want to. I think if you're looking for a relationship I wouldn't jump into it right away, not within the first 3 dates for sure, somewhere between a couple weeks and 3 months? But that's just my opinion. Suggestive texts, no, not my guy anyway. Sometimes we'd each allude to things, but no straightforward sexting or picture sending. I did have guys message me on the dating app bringing up sexual stuff right away, they didn't get anywhere with me. We were both attracted to each other right away so the spark was there from the beginning. I don't know, I think you have to feel something by the third date for sure for it to be successful? But again not a lot of dating experience here. We were both pretty up front about expectations for things from the get go as far as looking for a serious relationship, not just casual. And both being single parents, kid stuff having to come first, etc. I started reading people's experiences on a dating forum and that surprisingly educated me a lot about things. Good luck with your dating. I hope you find someone kind and considerate and with that spark! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Ok - I am in my 40s and have had TONS of experience dating ...sigh...no judgement. I met my DH online and four years later I am back online dating. It takes a while to get used to and while it can be frustrating and confusing, it can be fun too! Before a first date, 90% of the time I call screen....it is a good way to weed out the undesirables early on, especially when time is precious. I also like to email or text a bit and get some conversation going before the first date. I keep first dates on the shorter side, just in case (especially as I don't want to be away from my son too long) such as coffee, lunch, drinks or maybe something sporty. If he is a nice guy but no spark, I give it 3 to 4 dates max. There has to be a little something - if he is nice but ZERO spark, then no 2nd date. I am ok with kissing on the first date but sexual encounters should wait a while I think - i.e. for me, its several weeks in and we need to be exclusive (but hey, that's me). I also think the suggestion of STD etc testing evidence from the other party is good - I also require this. Ill flirt a little via text but no sexting - as it attracts the wrong guys. I have had suggestive sexual texts from guys and its a turn off for me, depending of course on the suggestive nature of it (harmless flirting is ok)...Honestly guys that tend to get that aggressive with sexual texts early on...well it has proven to be a red flag for me and these guys were jerks in the end. I'm impressed with guys who are more subtle about these things and I personally like to be romanced a bit. I think multi dating is fine - and don't need to discuss that with your dates unless they ask. But I only multi date if no real intimacy involved. When I enter their contact numbers in my cell phone (I don't give out my home number) I put notes beside their name. Hope this helps somewhat. Ask any more questions you have ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 So Portside, if you are drinking...or lonely...or hormonal....it is all okay?? But, say she has been drinking...or lonely...or hormonal.... well then, she is a SLUT!!! And your friends are all gonna hear about it??? Just ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingJoan Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 The ?lady? offers sex on first date? Thank you very much!! Congratulations! You are no longer in the running for a serious relationship with me but I?ll call you whenever my hormones overwhelm my good sense for a booty call if I?ve been drinking, am lonely, or have seen all the offerings on HBO. I?ll keep you on the string until you wise up and start treating yourself with a measure of respect. Oh yeah, my mates will hear all about it to. Ummm yeaaaaah .... Portside? The 1950's called, and they'd like their misogyny back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 In my experience I definitley haven't had the need to be suggestive while in contact online. I had a few multple dates with guys that I wasn't feeling a spark for...I personally did not think I could call it for sure after just 1 or 2 dates( you know, they were nice guys). It's so inorganic ,this online dating, I wanted to see if I just had to get past that. I pulled the plug after 4 dates or 5 dates because after that I might have felt I was misleading them and letting them get their hopes up. Both times they were into me way more then I was into them. I guess I found the tamer bunch to date. One snuck a kiss on the first date, one asked permission...and the others all went for the awkward hug and one the even the more awkward handshake.....and all these guys wanted a second date. So not sure what the etiquette is but that was my experience.......Maybe I send out a vibe. Just going to say one of the huggers made it to date 4...but never made it past hugging ......that didn't help his chances. Gotta have a little spunk, show a little initiative. By the way I'm still dating the one that stole a kiss. Sex is a very personal thing , as you can see in the rest of this thread. Just stick with your comfort zone not someone elses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helen Posted March 30, 2016 Author Share Posted March 30, 2016 Thanks everyone for the replies, some are really helpful. I certainly don't feel desperate and am having some fun, but things are not working out as I planned. For info, I also slept with my husband of 23 years on our first date and still respected him in the morning. Currently I am dating two guys. Guy #1 is the right age, loads in common, good company, but his over enthusiasm in the bedroom feels a little overwhelming, also there is really no spark. He bought us ballet tickets for Friday and I think maybe that will be the last date if nothing ignites. He is planning holidays for us in October which is also way too early. Quite a few red flags I know, but he got the tickets now. Guy #2 is a complete surprise, he is 10 years older and I didn't think I would be attracted to him, but he is even better company, a perfect gentleman and the sparks were flying when we did kiss. His texts are crossing lines though too in contrast to how he is when we meet. It was these two though that have left me wondering what is and is not normal. Sometimes I wonder if people watch too much porn and the kind of first time sex you had when I was a teenager is not how it is now. I also struggle for will power, always have, and need more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 What's really slutty is guys on beer commercials sitting with multiple women, suggesting they all go to his place, to continue a masquerade party. Sends a really cool message about society. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Dear Helen, I think in 2016 the rules are what you make them. If you're hot for each other right away, why not? Go for it and enjoy it! If you prefer to wait, then wait and enjoy that! The key is to keep clear what YOU want to do and not what someone else expects. Dawg knows we've suffered enough! Giant hugs to you (I'm also in my 40's and dating again for the first time since my youth. It's totally weird.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Do what makes you happy! Enjoy! I agree with Fern, no set rules. Every relationship is different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairlanegirl Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 I'm pulling for you - Good luck - Mike! Nudge nudge, wink wink Mike, was that intentional perchance, a textbook example of said suggestive messages?! Or are we, more likely, in 'two nations divided by a common language' territory? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Did I regret having one too many drinks, the night before, or just waking up next to someone I know I'll never see, or hear from, again ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 OMG at 55 yrs old. I'm not anywhere near ready for any of this. I hope he knocks on my door to service something (besides me . And it happens! I'm not up for this dating stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 What is and is not acceptable on first dates when you are in your 40s? First sexual encounters, should I expect slow comfortable, straightforward sex, or are men trying to impress by serving up a banquet? How long do you wait if he is a nice guy but there does not seem to be a spark? Clearly the only acceptable answer here is that whatever you want to do is right. Which is a shame, because when I ask for advice I'm looking for all views, not only those that meet some politically correct litmus test. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Just sayin, sex on a first date would leave me wondering. If it was like that with me, how many other's are in the picture, or have been there before me, not even to mention the wondering about possible consequences. I guess it's a new revolution. Instant gratification has never been on my agenda. I always have wanted somewhat deeper feelings. I guess that puts me in the prude category. Anyway.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairlanegirl Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Clearly the only acceptable answer here is that whatever you want to do is right. Which is a shame, because when I ask for advice I'm looking for all views, not only those that meet some politically correct litmus test. I think Portside was telling some home truths about how some guys (not guys you'd want to be with, obviously) can be arseholes, and one can get hurt, which is fair enough, but the 'lady' in inverted commas is a bit of a red flag to many, including me. It comes across as very derogatory, frankly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 A discussion and asking for opinions will always get mixed reviews. There are a certain amount of people both men and women who will react to someone coming off as a player i.e. sexting. To me it shows immaturity at its most indept way. It turns me off in a millisecond. And one can usually assume they are throwing out feelers to 257 other potentials on any given day. Sure playfulness is an element of a relationship, but with someone you just met, or chatted with ? I was never attracted to people (mostly on dating sites), who use anonymity as a way of professing their boldness. Anyway, good wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 From all of the different responses here I think that one thing is clear, everyone is different so no one rule can apply to all men or women. Often times women are "pleasers" and we think more about the other person wants or needs from us than we think about ourselves. Knowing that we attract what we put out to the world I believe it's important to figure out what type of person you are trying to attract. Are you looking for short term fun? Companionship? A lasting relationship? If it's a lasting relationship then it's important to be yourself, make your needs known, be the partner that you want to be. If it's short term fun (and sometimes that's all we really want) then you can play a little more and be up front about what you're in it for. Maybe 10 year older guy thinks that younger women expect racy texts, if you like him you can tell him that you really aren't into that but enjoy the way your face to face interactions are going. Good luck with it all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 but the 'lady' in inverted commas is a bit of a red flag to many, including me. It comes across as very derogatory, frankly. Finally! Someone who is/was reading me properly. It was meant to be. Folks can sit around all day and congratulate themselves on their openness, how empowered they are, and their general sense of 'you go girl!!' where anything goes but that has no bearing on how men perceive them. I'm telling you as honestly as I can - give it up on the first date and your name will get around and it won't be positive. I find this thread very interesting - one asks for opinions on what/how men think and what we think is proper or acceptable as it relates to dating in it's early stages. When some fellas answer honestly noses are put out of joint and everyone runs around like their hair is on fire. It should be noted that some of us that had the strongest reactions to the OP are ones that have formed deep, loving, successful relationships after the deaths of our wives. Like it or not, we know who, why, and what men are like and what we are when there are no women around. When a guy who honestly is trying to help you understand the mysteries of the male mind offers his thoughts, it may be wise to listen carefully. Of course not all guys are the same and want the same thing from the women in their lives. Best wishes - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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