Who comes first? Kids or new spouse?

[anniegirl]

But then again, being alone does not hold any fears for me.

 

What?

[fairlanegirl]

It's situational. Ebb. Flow.

 

Age of kids dictates a bit. Level of need.

 

It's not a contest.

 

The kids grow up and build lives of their own though so it's important to remember that it will be just you and spouse someday. Nurturing that relationship has to be a priority or why bother to marry?

 

Different strokes for different folks. I can never envisage a time when my need for a "spouse" or a relationship would over-ride my desire to take care of our girls. But then again, being alone does not hold any fears for me.

It doesn't have to be one or the other. Didn't go looking but did end up in a relationship, and my girls love him too, guess I was lucky!

[Taurus]

But then again, being alone does not hold any fears for me.

 

What?

 

Being alone does not hold any fears for me.

[tybec]

This is a tough question and already there are different opinions, so that just tells me there is not one answer for all of us.  I know when married, my marriage came first, and the parenting came 2nd.  But not talking any abuse or such.  My child needed to see us emulate the relationship of spouses.  So, now spouse dies, and new life.  I think it depends on many factors, like age of the children.  If you have adult children you have raised, then maybe it is time for them "let go" and "let the parent" have a life.  This goes for divorce situations, too.  To have adult children control the outcome for the single parent is off in boundaries, I believe.  Also, I would think adult children would not want their single parent to be alone if the single parent did not wish to be alone.  Now, younger children are a different story since we have an obligation to care for them, but they still don't rule the roost of the household, right?  So, lots of ideas through my reading of this subject.  No one size fits all for sure.

[calimom]

In 2007 my mom, who had been widowed for 14 years (my dad, cancer likely caused from Vietnam-era Agent Orange) married a man who'd been widowed for 5 years (his wife, Lupus). Between them they had 5 offspring. All in their 30s, reasonably well educated, reasonably well employed, all with spouses. At 41, I was the youngest of the group. My mom and her husband to be were 60-ish, in great health, still working but looking ahead to a retirement filled with travel and adventure.

 

All the offspring met up at the hotel in Arizona the night before where the wedding was to be held for a general get together. My late husband noted the "almost Brady Bunch" aspect of the union and brilliantly suggested we all sing the theme song of that awful show during the reception. We all bought into the idea, even my sourpuss sister who never sings in public. We did it and it was fabulous, everyone loved it. A marriage of two widows who'd been through fucking hell was formed.

 

All good with their collective offspring, right? Well, not 3 weeks after the wedding, on the eve of our parents' honeymoon trip to Mexico, the youngest daughter's (that would be me) husband was killed in a tragic car accident. The trip was off, both parents rushed to be with the grieving widow. My freshly minted stepfather further  proved his mettle by stepping up to the grandfather role (my late husband's father also died at a young age) to my 3 young children. He showed up when we moved to a new house, he showed up for a kindergarten graduation because that is the kind of man he is. They did eventually go on that trip to Mexico, but it was different.

 

My stepdad's sons had another set of problems. Son 1's baby daughter was diagnosed with leukemia and almost died, and as well the marriage of those young parents almost failed. Both have survived, thankfully, especially that sweet little girl's life. My mom graciously stepped up to the plate to fill in as needed, babysat, listened and generally filled in the gaps for that family in deep distress. Son 2 lost his job during the recession, as well as their house and lived with our parents with his wife and children till they got on their feet again.

 

Our parents are the type of people who feel grown children need to act like adults and yet recognize terrible things happen and family is family. They have since retired, have travelled to many places and still think their collective 5 (now 40-ish) offspring and their 11 grandchildren take a center stage in their lives. There is lots in their world that is good and lovely. I visited for a birthday recently and at that party realized that their collected friends were a combination of their lives pre-widowhood, post widowhood, as well as people they had met and collected along the way. We should all be so fortunate.