Radical changes - leaving everything behind

[Milojka]

I am 1.5 years out. We were very close and connected, no children, worked together in our own small IT company just the 2 of us. We were still in love after 23 years and couldn't be without eachother for more than 2 hours. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, he died. He was 47.

 

After 4 months it became clear to me that I wouldn't die too, though I still wanted to. I decided to go away. I made a list with things that might have a certain attraction to me - like island storm sky sheep sea wind wool. Then I googled. I packed my backpack and left to a remote and windy archepelago in the North.

 

I have been here for a year. I have no plans for going back. I feel the love of the good friends I made here. I do physical labour under an open sky on sheepfarms. Nature is wild and rough and beautiful where I am.

 

Leaving was the best decision I could make. At the time it felt like it was the only option I had - staying felt impossible.

 

I wonder about the radical changes other people have made. I have never heard about widowed people who leave everything behind for a journey to the unknown, but surely  there must be many. I would love to hear about/from them.

 

 

[SoVerySad]

Good for you for doing what has helped you feel alive again. I'm sure it took a lot of courage. I have two children here to care for, so I'm tied to them for the immediate future. If I weren't, I have imagined going to their country of birth (we adopted them from Guatemala) to work with missionary groups there caring for orphaned children or with a medical mission friends operate there.

[Milojka]

Working with orphaned children in Guatemala would have been so much more noble and less selfish than what I did.

 

Yes it took courage but perhaps not more than it takes for all of us to simply go on from one day to the next, while realising what has happened.

 

It wasn't easier than staying, but I'd like to think that I learned more, and I came closer to myself, than when I would have stayed.

 

I still have very bad spells and what I currently struggle with are meaninglessness and loneliness. Emotional loneliness, not social loneliness as I do have caring friends, but yearning for the connection I had with my one special person.

[Captains wife]

Wow- good for you. It's great to see those taking their lives in new unexpected directions. I have fantasies about picking up and moving/leaving as I sometimes wonder what the heck I'm doing here in this small town. But I am caring for a now 4 yr old so I am anchored for now - but I did take a few extended trips post widow, including to the UK and Malaysia.

[SoVerySad]

Milojka, I don't think doing something that helps you to deal with things better is selfish. While my desire to work in Guatemala is genuine, I also have a counselor who is stressing to me the need to take care of myself and deal with my loss instead of always trying to take care of others. So, in that sense, she's right that I need to get myself better before I can do much of anything except just keep afloat.

 

I understand the emotional loneliness you describe all too well.

[Milojka]

SoVerySad, the emotional loneliness is sometimes killing me. I hate knowing that there is no solution for it. When you are socially lonely, at least you can try to make more friends by following a class or something like that. Solving emotional loneliness seems impossible unless you find new love - but I am certain that I can never be as connected to someone as I have been with him. This all scares me.

[SoVerySad]

I understand the scariness as well. I, too, feel like I could never find that level of being connected with another person again. But then, we were together for 30 years starting dating when I was 16 years old. I'm too old now to ever have that time of years to build the connection we shared. In addition, I have some health issues that I'm pretty sure no one else would be interested in taking on even if I were to find someone who found me desirable.

 

I recently took my kids to the beach my husband and I went to for years, both before and after adopting our kids. I didn't realize before going that the trip would unleash so many feelings I had been just keeping in check about the intimacy we shared no longer being part of my life. I've pretty much just focused on my kids and health issues. Being at "our" beach brought back memories of walking hand in hand on the beach, taking the boom box down to the beach at night and dancing together on the sand, and having him sneak up behind me while I was taking in the beauty of the ocean view from the balcony and wrapping his arms around me and kissing my neck. The ache at not having those things again was piercing. I had to lock myself in the bathroom with the shower and fan running in hopes the kids wouldn't hear my sobbing. We were still able to have a good time and my kids are anxious to go back. Me, not too soon, although I still love that beach very much. 

[Guest April]

How incredibly brave!!  I could never leave my protective little circle.. I feel way to bound to where I am.. I admire you.. I would love to live in a place where there is more earth and less concrete.  Congratulations on making such a bold and beautiful move!

[Mizpah]

 

I wonder about the radical changes other people have made. I have never heard about widowed people who leave everything behind for a journey to the unknown, but surely  there must be many. I would love to hear about/from them.

 

Many here have probably heard this part of my story many times as I try to make sense of my new life.  It is *BY FAR* not as extreme or adventurous as yours, but....

 

I lived in NYC.  DH and I, like you two, were inseparable - the in love feeling never faded, we were obsessed with each other, we were the couple everyone envied.  I grieved really really hard.  At about two years out, I traveled to Israel where he was from as a kind of pilgrimage, and had a really emotional time - but not how I expected.  I came alive again, I was full of joy. 

 

At about the same time, I met a widower who lived in the area near where I grew up, but further out, way more rural.  I intended just to reach out to him to pay forward the support I got when I lost DH, but we ended up in a fling, then it all got really serious really fast, then I was pregnant and moved to the country to have his daughter and live a life with him.  I went from the Upper East Side of Manhattan doing in-the-newspapers, exciting, controversial legal work, to living around roosters and goats, with several huskies, and suddenly pregnant and then a mom with a man who does manual labor for work.  It has been extreme.  I joke that I went from Sex and the City to Little House on the Prairie (which I've actually never seen, so I don't know if it's accurate!  Also, it's not prairies, it's more like woods and river and mountains). 

 

I envy your bravery and solitude, though I understand what you say about loneliness and fear.  Wherever you are, it sounds so beautiful and amazing.  I've been fantasizing about Norway lately, and I picture that as where you are. 

[Wheelerswife]

My first husband died from the expected complications of a lifelong, progressive, genetic disease.  Six months later, I met the man who would become my second husband.  He live about 1600 miles (2600 km) from me, in a place I had never been.  I resigned my job, put my house on the market and it even sold before I ever saw the place where I had decided to move to be with him.  What followed were truly incredible years.  I left my old profession, went back to school and traveled extensively with him.  Sadly, he died less than 4 years after we met.

 

It is now 2 years and 4 months since my second husband died.  I finished a second Bachelor's degree after he died and I'm one semester away from completing a Master's degree.  I'll more than likely move again and start fresh somewhere new.  I just wish I knew where that will be...but I have to assume the answers just aren't here yet.

 

Maureen

[Mrskro]

Milojka

 

I have two teenagers with me now, the 2nd one starts high school this year.  I have a four year plan which involves selling everything and moving to a lake somewhere with a small cottage.  I don't have in in me to go quite as extreme, but my vision is small, remote, gardens, solar panels. 

 

Good for you for following your path!

[donswife]

like you I lost my husband suddenly

we were together for 27 years and would've have stayed another 100 years

I dream of leaving everyday ...getting in my car and just going ..

I am glad to hear your story as it gives me hope that I might do this and have my own new story to tell

 

[Milojka]

How amazing to read all these personal stories. Thank you very much for that. It is interesting to see that many people dream about big changes, and some of them have done it.

 

I am glad I found this place.

 

We lived an isolated life together. We didnt have many friends nor close family ties. No children. I only had him - my one favorite human being. He only had me. Until now I sometimes struggle with that feeling that I am completely alone on the world. No ties. I was cut loose from everything and drifting, floating around.

 

When I realised I was going to stay alive myself and that everything was completely changed forever, I knew I could choose different conditions and circomstances so I would at least like more of that part. I realized staying alive was going to be hard, sometimes impossible so why not make it as nice as possible. We lived in a very uninspiring place.

 

Mizpah - how did you guess Norway. You are very close as Shetland, where I am, belongs technicaly to Scotland but inhabitants feel more connected to Norway for geographical and historical reasons.

 

I am a knitter so that is one of the main reasons why I chose exactly this place (and its huge storms too!). I am working on a croft (sheep farm) but I am also busy learning machine knitting, spinning and weaving and I am accepted to Shetland textile college next year. I don't plan further ahead than his 2nd deadversary (I can't) but I probably will stay here. I have nothing to go back to.

 

What made all the difference is this small friendly rural island community. It feels like home. The most precious gift I got is that I seem to make friends easily - which I didn't know. Very loving and caring friends have helped me through the rough parts and they still do.

 

Thanks for listening...

[Mizpah]

 

 

Mizpah - how did you guess Norway.

 

Wow!!!!  How I guessed: I'm reading a six-volume autobiographical piece by a Norwegian, Karl Ove Knausgaard, and have become obsessed with Norway because of it.  And now I'm dreaming of taking my daughter to come visit!  Ready for a visit?  Hahahaha

 

I think your decision and life are amazing.

[Milojka]

Yes I am ready for a visit. You are welcome.

But know that you might never go away from here as it is beautiful and pure.

 

It won't be long before it never gets dark on a day, on this May day the sun gets up at 3.

[Milojka]

Mizpah, do you allow me to ask you a question?

You said your first husband and you were inseperatable. You seem to have had a good and strong relationship. That is exactly what happened between my deceased husband and me.

 

I understand the bond you have with your second husband will be different, but can I ask you in what way it is different? I think that it is impossible to be as connected with someone in the future as I was with my deceased soulmate. Do you agree with that, is that the case with you as well?

 

Please ignore if this is something you want to keep to yourself.

 

We were young together and grew older together. This alone is something that never can be repeated.

 

My husband was very intelligent, intellectual, witty. We talked a lot between the two, shared our thoughts on all kinds of topics and levels. Currently I like to think that yes, it will be possible for me to once have a new boyfriend, but without that very strong connectedness I once had. That new person could be just a companion, some one who takes care of me and who I can take care of.

Someone who would help me and I would help him when needed. Without the strong connection on many levels that I used to have. Just a simple, beautiful, respectful being together, growing old together.

 

I suppose how it could go is that the many things I found in my husband will have to be divided over several people - friends. I have a special female friend who callenges me intellectually and we have great conversations. Another female friend helps me with the vague plans I have with my new career in textiles. I have another friend who lost her son and we support eachother when we have it rough. From someone else I get practical help.

 

I can see that another person could be my companion in life. He wouldn't necessarily meet my intellectual needs. He wouldn't neccessarily have to talk about grieving or about how to lay out my new future careerwise. We would be companions who look after eachother and care for eachother. We would tell how are days went. We would sleep together and wake up together.

 

At the moment this is the only way I can see me having a new relationship. (Before that I thought it would be impossible alltogether, but at the same time emotional loneliness is killing me, as my need to be touched)

 

Could you - and anyone!- please give your thoughts on this?

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

I understand the bond you have with your second husband will be different, but can I ask you in what way it is different? I think that it is impossible to be as connected with someone in the future as I was with my deceased soulmate. Do you agree with that, is that the case with you as well?

 

Could you - and anyone!- please give your thoughts on this?

 

Hi, Milojka,

 

I will try to answer your question about my experiences and my views of several others who have been widowed and who found new love again.  I found love again after being widowed...and my second husband was absolutely amazing.  He was nothing at all like my first husband.  His personality, his abilities, his giftedness...were all very different.  I loved the life I had with him, and he with me, even though I still missed my first husband and he missed his late wife...who was very different from me.

 

I know at least 10 younger widows and widowers and widow/widower couples who have found new love and are incredibly happy in spite of their losses in the past.  I believe that all of them would agree that you can't go looking for what you have lost.  You have to be open to something completely new.  Just a couple of weeks ago, a widower friend that I used to talk to a lot...when we were both in a pretty sad state...he sent me pictures of his wedding.  When we first started talking, he was 4 years from losing his wife of about 30 years and he couldn't envision life being good again.  I encouraged him to get out and meet people...and he started by going to a group from Meetup.com.  He met his now wife just 1 1/2 years ago and the transformation in him is amazing.  (Any oldies remember dsb from the old board?)

 

So...the bottom line is that it is possible to find incredible love again.  I don't know if everyone can find this kind of love and I don't think that some people want to find it again.  Some people would prefer not to recouple.  I think some people aren't wired the same way I am...I know I function best and I am happiest in a partnership.  Some people may find that they don't find a relationship with the quality of their marriage to their late spouses.  I'm at the point where I think about this quite a bit, and I wish to find a third great love.  It has to be possible, right?  Please let it be right!

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

[Mizpah]

Mizpah, do you allow me to ask you a question?

You said your first husband and you were inseperatable. You seem to have had a good and strong relationship. That is exactly what happened between my deceased husband and me.

 

I understand the bond you have with your second husband will be different, but can I ask you in what way it is different? I think that it is impossible to be as connected with someone in the future as I was with my deceased soulmate. Do you agree with that, is that the case with you as well?

 

Please ignore if this is something you want to keep to yourself.

 

 

 

I can see that another person could be my companion in life. He wouldn't necessarily meet my intellectual needs. He wouldn't neccessarily have to talk about grieving or about how to lay out my new future careerwise. We would be companions who look after eachother and care for eachother. We would tell how are days went. We would sleep together and wake up together.

 

At the moment this is the only way I can see me having a new relationship. (Before that I thought it would be impossible alltogether, but at the same time emotional loneliness is killing me, as my need to be touched)

 

Could you - and anyone!- please give your thoughts on this?

 

Of course.  I'd be happy to share.  But I believe that my situation has much less to do with widowhood, or with me and what I was looking for than the very very different personalities of the men I happened to end up with, and I say happened to, because I think in each relationship, I was very passive and just seeing where life took me....

 

It's different in EVERY way.  DH was young, idealistic, insanely beautiful, full of life, super positive, really easygoing, had the hugest heart, was naturally generous of spirit, revered women, had a super close relationship with his mom and family.  He moved to LA from Israel when he was a kid, and grew up in NYC from the time he was 11.  Obsessed with learning and bettering himself, very protective and caring - huge emphasis on education, as he was the first in his family to ever go to college.  He had an international perspective - a big worldview.  We read constantly - would read different books with opposing perspectives on the same issue (when we disagreed), would read the same novel at the same time together, would go to lectures together, talked constantly.  DH saw everyone for exactly who they were, but also always chose to see the best in them and treated them that way - he was realistic, but still loved through rosy glasses.  My current boyfriend and the father of my daughter is a widower, first of all.  When his (pregnant) fiancee died, he lost her two boys he'd been raising as his own to their father who'd been uninvolved until then.  He also comes from a childhood full of violent physical and verbal/emotional abuse.  He has extreme emotional scars - and I say scars rather than wounds, because he doesn't let anything touch him.  He has no vulnerabilities.  He's insensitive.  He can be unkind, and is likely even more so to himself.  He is a carpenter and contractor - works with his hands and his body.  He's strong, was a fighter - karate and jiu jitsu and MMA - and is an outdoorsman (this is the man you want to be with if we ever need to survive in the wild).  He tends to see people's weaknesses easily, or just focuses on that, he can be negative.  He's a "man's man," is very much a loner, lacks manners, has a very rural mindset (lives within 20 miles of where he grew up, and from the farm his great grandparents worked when they came to the US generations ago), hates books and cities and city people, comes across as having no feelings whatsoever, doesn't want to rely on anyone or want anyone relying on him - obsessed with independence and his idea of strength.  (Also, we have the stress of raising a child together in a household in which we both work.)  These two men could not be more different - I think the only things they have in common is that they're both male, both physically strong, and both my partner.

 

So the differences in my relationships have FAR LESS to do with me, widowhood, new phases in life, and a lot to do with the extreme difference in the kind of men I'm with.  I've actually been surprised by how unchanged I am in my approach to relationships and what I value.  I'm nearly completely unchanged in what I want (passion, intensity, closeness, depth).  The problem is that what I want was almost exactly what DH and I had.  I love my boyfriend (so much, way too much), but it is hard being with someone who is so self-contained and not into connection/emotional intimacy.  I'm glad we're together and don't regret it, but can certainly acknowledge that my life would be easier and happier had I made slower decisions about coupling and partners.  I was really excited because I didn't think I'd ever have feelings for anyone again, and then suddenly I had very intense feelings for my boyfriend.  Then, though my doctor said I couldn't, I got pregnant. 

 

Do I think it's possible to be as connected with someone in the future?  I do.  But if that's not what you're seeking or if that's not how you approach relationships, then you won't be as connected as you could be.  But it depends on so many things, so many little micro-decisions about how you relate to a new person, and the nuances of that person themself.  You may share a different phase, and not have that heady obsessive young love obsession, but I think it's possible to feel very deeply loved and loving and connected.  I think Wheelerswife is exactly right that you need to be open to the idea of a very different kind of person/relationship.  I hadn't prepared myself for that, and I'm still not doing it gracefully.  My entire background/default/philosophy has to do with the great relationship DH and I had, and I need to move from accepting his death (which I have done) to accepting that our relationship was unique and extraordinary and won't be replicated, and that that is ok, that it's not the only way to be happy.  I thought if I could get well-adjusted to his death, I was ready for another big relationship.  But it's more than that.  I need to stop seeing everything through the context of my relationship with DH.  That's my challenge. 

 

You talk about something, Milojka, that I can relate to - moving from this deep connectedness on so many levels that we shared with our lost loves, to a more simplistic view of relationships - sharing life and times and being good to one another.  I think there is something to that.  I am trying to love what my boyfriend and I share, without wishing for some inexplicable mystical romantic obsessive thing that, quite frankly, is no longer appropriate for my life anyway! 

 

Ok, this is ridiculously long so I'll stop.  I'm not sure I answered your question or ever got to the point I was intending to make, or even what that point was....

[Milojka]

Dear Mizpah and Maureen,

First of all let me thank you very much for your replies. They were interesting and helpful. Mizpah, no your message wasn't ridiculously long - it was more than I could wish for and it did answer some questions I had.

 

Maureen you say that having another deep connection is possible. But I don't think that I can bring myself to that. I feel like I possibly don't want that anymore.

 

Mizpah you havent changed in what you want from a relationship. Yet your boyfriend couldn't be more different from your DH. That was fascinating to read. You definitely have a completely different lifestyle now.

 

I loved where you say :

###

I thought if I could get well-adjusted to his death, I was ready for another big relationship.  But it's more than that.  I need to stop seeing everything through the context ofmy relationship with DH.  That's my challenge.  ###

I can relate to that.

 

Yes you are right - I was talking about that feeling I have about wanting a simple, beautiful relationship. Kindness is all I ask for now.

 

There is a man on the island. He has sheep and I have worked with him many times. I have seen him around daily since 6 months and we have often made a chat. He is clearly interested in me. All islanders speak highly of him, with great respect. He is so kind, and gentil, and sweet. He has a beautiful smile and is a bit shy. He is my age and a bachelor - often the case on remote islands like this. I like his skilled way of driving dozins of sheep from hill to hill, I like his way of treating his 4 sheepdogs and how they adore him.

 

I absolutely love how he takes care of me. His kindness for me moves me. His loneliness is obvious - as mine is probably too. I can see myself as his partner, trying to make him happy, taking care of him as he does for me.

 

Simple, beautiful, pure, peaceful.

 

My dh was an intelletual, a thinker, as yours was, Mizpah. And that man on the island is not. He is a doer. He spends every day and evening outside. He knows every bird and plant. He can read the weather. But he doesn't read books.

 

Above all he is kind, and cares for me, in a beautiful quiet way. I don't want to stay alone, but I don't want to go where I was with my DH.

 

Does that make sense?

 

[Trying]

My chapter 2 and DH share some core similarities but are also different in many ways as is the relationship we have.  Part of it is my age and what I need and want now, at 47, is very different than what I wanted at 19 when I met DH.  DH was very career driven, wanted to be successful and measured success by his financial earnings.  He loved to accumulate things, and to share them with friends and family.  He was bigger than life, incredibly generous with his time, talents and money.  He was not afraid of hard manual work and pitched in any where he could despite being white collar guy.  His drive and type A personality were something I loved about him but also left me feeling neglected often. 

 

New guy is a blue collar guy, has very basic needs when it comes to material things and is not impressed by or envious of those who have more.  He values hard work but likes to leave it behind at the end of the day.  He wants to spend time with me, compliments me regularly, respects my opinion.  Like DH he is blunt and honest with his opinions, sarcastic and funny, a great Dad. 

 

DH was the right man to build a life and a family with.  We grew into adults together and my role was primarily to support his career, take care of our home and our children, entertain family and friends.  I was very happy in that role, I loved being a wife and a mom, volunteering and working part time.  Our relationship would've continued to evolve as our kids grew up, I looked forward to a day when there would be more time to focus on the two of us. 

 

That life was taken from me when DH died and I can't go back there.  I was forced to be completely independent for the first time in my adult life, to be in charge and make all of the decisions.  My kids are growing up so my mom role is changing because their needs have changed and because I am now filling the job of 2 parents.  What I need now who is someone who will stand beside me, someone who will support me and my career goals, someone who wants to spend time with me, someone who wants to take care of me and who will let me take care of him.  NG meets my needs for where I am now. 

 

I guess this is my long winded way of saying that my experience tells me that it is possible to find love and partnership again.  It should be viewed as separate and distinct from chapter 1, not a replacement, but something unique and new to meet whatever your needs are now.  I will never again share the history of a life together from age 19-44, growing up, having children together, so no relationship can compare to that. 

[Mizpah]

 

Does that make sense?

 

It makes perfect sense, and I think it's lovely. 

 

He sounds like a perfect man for this part of your life, place and time. 

 

 

[MrsT85]

Mizpah, do you allow me to ask you a question?

You said your first husband and you were inseperatable. You seem to have had a good and strong relationship. That is exactly what happened between my deceased husband and me.

 

I understand the bond you have with your second husband will be different, but can I ask you in what way it is different? I think that it is impossible to be as connected with someone in the future as I was with my deceased soulmate. Do you agree with that, is that the case with you as well?

 

....

 

My husband was very intelligent, intellectual, witty. We talked a lot between the two, shared our thoughts on all kinds of topics and levels. Currently I like to think that yes, it will be possible for me to once have a new boyfriend, but without that very strong connectedness I once had. That new person could be just a companion, some one who takes care of me and who I can take care of.

Someone who would help me and I would help him when needed. Without the strong connection on many levels that I used to have. Just a simple, beautiful, respectful being together, growing old together.

 

I suppose how it could go is that the many things I found in my husband will have to be divided over several people - friends. I have a special female friend who callenges me intellectually and we have great conversations. Another female friend helps me with the vague plans I have with my new career in textiles. I have another friend who lost her son and we support eachother when we have it rough. From someone else I get practical help.

 

I can see that another person could be my companion in life. He wouldn't necessarily meet my intellectual needs. He wouldn't neccessarily have to talk about grieving or about how to lay out my new future careerwise. We would be companions who look after eachother and care for eachother. We would tell how are days went. We would sleep together and wake up together.

 

 

I may be an odd duck here, but this is how I've felt basically the entire time I've been widowed.  I started dating Tim when I was just 19 - still a kid, really.  We married when I was 23 and he died when I was 27.  I cannot think of a single interest either of us had that wasn't shared - we pretty much had the exact same taste in music, movies, books.  Politically, ethically, religiously (or total lack thereof) - we were on the same page.  He was also an avid reader, incredibly smart and articulate, and was just weeks from finishing his teaching degree (he wanted to be a high school history teacher, had finished his history major and was in the final three weeks of his student teaching) when he crashed.  We could and did talk for hours every day, and would smile when we discussed how much we were looking forward to growing old together...We never had the chance to have a child, but we would fantasize about being retired empty-nesters and getting to enjoy each others' company without work or school getting in the way.  We knew how lucky we were to have found each other - this wonderful person we could never get bored with - and would talk about it all the time. 

 

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that I became an adult as his partner.  I was in my first year of college when we met, so his fingerprints are all over the person I've now grown into.  No one it going to "fit" me as perfectly as Tim did because no one else was the most important influence on during that extremely formative period of my life.  That's no one's fault, I think it's just reality. 

 

I'm getting remarried at the end of next month.  My fiance is an extremely decent and caring man.  I enjoy taking care of him (one of my favorite times of the week is when I get to show him all of the favorites foods of his I've bought at the grocery store) and he seems to enjoy being there for me as well (he must - he asked me to marry him!).  We respect each other intellectually, but our interests don't line up nearly as well as Tim and I did.  He's also far more physical than Tim was - he worked with battieries for industrial purposes when we first met, and he's now working for Tim's best friend doing safety testing for electronics at a huge international company.  But while our passions are different, our values are similar.  We both crave companionship (although not the constant companionship that Tim and I shared), we both would like to start a family, we share the same worldview politically and ethically. 

 

Am I as happy as I was when I found who I knew what my perfect match?  No, but after losing Tim I'm not sure that it's even possible for me anymore.  But I'm reasonably happy most of the time, and I'm building a good life with a person who I love who loves me back. 

[Milojka]

Thank you so much for these stories, I like reading them.

 

It is amazing how everyones second guy turns out to be completely different. Which ofcourse makes sense - somehow it wouldn't be right to have a copy of our lost love. We have changed too. And as was pointed out by MrsT85, we are older now.

 

MrsT85, the kind relationship of relationship you had seemed very similar to the one I had.

And these words could have been written by me:

###

so his fingerprints are all over the person I've now grown into.  No one it going to "fit" me as perfectly as Tim did because no one else was the most important influence on during that extremely formative period of my life. 

###

 

Building a good life with someone who loves me back: yes. That is what I want too. That is enough.

[canadiangirl]

Milojka, thank you for sharing your story.  From your words, I have this most amazing vision of your life, and the peacefulness after the rupture of such a loss is an inspiration.  I cannot run away due to childcare responsibilities that I am glad to have but when my child is grown...I am already making plans.

[Milojka]

Thank you Canadiangirl.

 

Good to read that you have plans. When the time is there, just do it. Because really anything is possible. You just have to do it.

 

These were my secret weapons I have used daily on the island so I would survive the unbearable pain caused by losing him:

1. Doing hard physical labour so my body gets tired everyday

2. Looking for and finding beauty everyday.

3. Spending the day under an open sky everyday.

4. Laughing out loud everyday

5. Feeling the love from people around me everyday.

This gives a good idea how my life looks like. I still stick to this list, though I feel better now.

 

It is a good life I have now. I wouldn't want to change it. It is the best possible life without him.