Jump to content

Freakin' Grief Monster


JeanGenie
 Share

Recommended Posts

And there it is again, the grief monster when I least expect it.  I've been busy today working on projects around the house. Projects that "before" I would never be doing, because they were "his".

 

Sanding the hatchway to prep it for repainting.  Easily cleaning up the nest in the bulkhead that some mice left during the winter and not even being freaked out by it. And then repairing the hose that was leaking by putting a new end on it. I was so proud when I reattached the hose and there were no leaks!

 

So I decided to next water the flower baskets that hung on the front of the house. And as I rehung the baskets, that is when grief decided to hit me upside the head.  He always did the flowers around the house and it was at that moment that I wondered if he can see that I've continued his traditions and some how miraculously have not killed everything. And did he know that I would rise to the challenge of using sanders and fixing hoses and maintain the house? He never said and we never talked about it but somehow I'm figuring this all out.

 

I'm keeping all the outward signs together.  But then the tears flow and the heart aches because I don't want to keep pretending that I'm keeping it all together. The yard is mowed, the flowers and garden are growing, festive flags and lawn ornaments decorate the house and yard. The appearance of a happy home.

 

And although I'm proud of the things I'm accomplishing, the tears begin just as quickly as I wish I didn't have to do these things.  And I wish he could tell me that he sees all I'm doing, that he's proud of me, and never had any doubts that I'd figure it all.  And the sadness just comes over me.

 

But there are more chores to be done, so I need to just suck it up and carry on.  Enough of my little pity party, but thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh JG, I can so relate to all of what you said. Especially how the sadness just comes over like a whack up side the head.  My only problem is I usually do the hanging baskets and flower gardens.  I am ashamed to say this year I just dont give a shit.  No hanging baskets yet and almost weeded flower gardens.

Hugs

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hugs, Jeannie.

 

I just got home a few hours ago from my east coast trip and I had to do the dreaded walk into the house, knowing he wasn't there.  And...the list of chores starts in my head...mowing the lawn, the laundry, picking up sticks in the yard, trying to figure out how to get the AC to kick back on.  I figure these things out; I do what I need to do, but I don't want to.  I'm giving myself tonight for my pity party, but then, I have to get back in the game. 

 

I like BrokenHeart2's tag line.  "I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.  I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life."  Sometimes we just suck it up.  But by sucking it up, we move one more step into that rebuilt life, right?  (Yes, Maureen, believe this!)

 

I'm glad I got to see you at the RI bago!

 

Maureen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jeannie, I totally get this. Even 4 years later I still am surprised by the sneaky little sucker.

 

I vividly remember getting ready for a big storm to hit - out battening down the hatches by getting loose items put away, digging trenches to divert water from the house, other things. I just broke down sobbing - big wracking sobs, snot, tears. I felt betrayed by fate because I wasn't supposed to do this alone. That was early on but it still hits on occasion.

 

I'm so sorry. I can't do much but I can empathize and can send you some virtual hugs. Oh, and I'm super impressed with the hose thing! I just let mine drip!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jeannie -sending a huge hug your way

All the chores that used to be what they did are now ours

and it doesn't seem fair because it isn't

I do believe that our husbands knew we would rise to these occasions

make them proud by keeping the house and gardens going

and by keeping ourselves going , barley at times, but still going

I tell myself this when the tears come and won't stop

just wish we could hear them say it

ok enough of my little pity party ..time to get to some chores

take care

PS You need to show my the hose fix ,everyone of mine leaks :)

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh JG - I so get this too. Especially your words "the appearance of a happy home" and "keeping the outward signs together." I think of this every time I turn into my driveway. And yes as DW said, we can only wish we could hear them say it, how proud they are of how we have stayed afloat, or even far exceeded that at times. We can only hear them say it in our minds and hearts, which frankly isn't all that satisfying most days.

 

And I don't think any of us should ever apologize for having pity parties (or at least not to other wids). Its our right; we deserve it. And it probably helps us "heal" even though the definition of heal seems to have changed for me since becoming a wid - I think for now it maybe just means: to fell less raw.

 

Home repairs and pity parties - just stepping stones along this path we were forced to go down.

 

Hugs to all. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.