Widowed Twice?

[SemperFidelis]

Are there any here who have been widowed twice? There is only one poster I know of off hand who has.

 

How did the first and second times compare? Was one harder or easier to cope with than the other? Has moving forward in life been harder or easier?

 

My ch2 has renal failure....so if things keep moving in the forward direction with us, I know I will be widowed a 2nd time probably before I reach age 40 (i am 28 now). It is just weird to think about. And I wonder if I will just feel sooooo shafted when that time comes....I wonder if I Will be too burnt out to try again? Its a lot for me to chew on.

 

I would be curious to hear what any of you twice widows have to say.

[Wheelerswife]

I have been widowed twice.  I had my first husband for over 18 years total, 17+ married.  I met my second husband, a widower, 6 months later.  Although my first marriage was good, my husband was disabled with a progressive neuromuscular disease.  He needed more assistance in his later years and his needs trumped my own at that point.  My second husband was a very different kind of person.  We fell in love very quickly and had an intense relationship.  Together, we had a very different relationship within which more of my needs were met. Being widowed, we also had some extra appreciation for what mattered in life.  Quite honestly, both of us had never been happier.  He died very unexpectedly in his sleep less that 4 years after we met, and after less than 3 years of being married.

 

Was it harder to cope with?  For me, absolutely.  I developed significant panic and anxiety.  The death of my second husband really knocked me to my knees.  2 1/2 years later, the impact of my second husband's death is still significant, but I have been able to finish the degree I was working on when he died and I finish a Master's degree in December.  I can't say I am thriving yet, but I hope that in another year's time I will look back at where I am now and my life will be happier and more fulfilling.

 

I'm grateful to have had my second husband in my life.  I definitely have no regrets.  He opened my eyes to a whole different world and many, many opportunities.  I am grateful to him and I cherish every moment of the time we had together.

 

Maureen

[alemja]

You really are such an inspiration Maureen, ever since I found the old site in June 2013 your posts have been so balanced and positive.

 

I worry about being widowed again, I met my ch2 when I was 9 months out from losing my DH of 15 years and he was 6 months out from losing his DW of 23 years. Finding each other was the very best thing that could have happened to either of us but its definitely strange going into a relationship knowing that one of you are to being going through that same loss again at some time.

He is ten years older than me and very overweight and his father died relatively young (62) so there is a big chance that it will be me that is alone again one day.

[sdarrah1130]

I technically haven't been "widowed" twice however, my boyfriend before my husband died while we were sort of still dating. 

 

Jamie and I dated for 5 years and I actually thought at some point we would marry when he was clean.  He fell into a drug habit with dire consequences.  I tried for a little over a year to help him get clean.  We got an apartment together the last year and I ended up moving out about 6 weeks before he died.    I went to pick him up to take him to work and his friend said the hospital called and wouldn't speak to anyone but me.  He was shot and killed 3 days before Christmas 2000. 

 

The craziness of the situation is my DH & Jamie were friends.  We all hung out together during and after high school.  My DH and I rekindled our relationship (we dated for 2.5 years before Jamie) about 6 weeks after Jamie passed away. 

 

When DH died, I thought "I know how to handle this grief stuff" not realizing it at the time (hind sight) but my DH pretty much heald me up through the grief of losing Jamie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SemperFidelis]

Thanks for your detailed response, Maureen.

 

Your experience basically echos what I am expecting and foreseeing ahead of me.....that round two will be a lot more difficult.  Sort of like splitting a tough piece of wood. The first couple blows crack it, but it's the third or fourth strike that split it in two.

 

My husband was also disabled, and I was his full-time caregiver. I didn't even realize or know about all the needs I wasn't getting met until I started seeing ch2. So there are a lot of things I didn't lose from my husband because I never had them in the first place(not to say there weren't major losses, just not what you would expect). With ch2, I will be losing very very different things....So I think I will feel the loss a lot harder.

[Portside]

I have not been widowed twice yet either but it is on the horizon. My wife is now in a long term decline due to an incurable condition. She has her good months but the trend in always downward.

 

I can see into the future and unless some unforeseen miracle occurs, she will precede me in death, sooner rather than later.

 

We have planned for it as best we can and I have accepted the likelihood of me having to go through burying a wife again. From where I stand, right now it doesn't appear it will be as hard on me or the kids this time.

 

We all have long ago accepted the fact that all things are temporary. Everything.

 

I feel lucky to have the time I do with her. It's a gift - no matter how long or short it is.

 

Best wishes, Mike

 

 

[Majo]

Hi. Maria from Spain. Had a very very happy marriage for almost 15 years. My husband was the best person I have ever known for a million reasons. We had tried to have children and could not; finally got pregnant after treatment but only 4 months and our twins passed away. One evening, about one month later, my husband was not feeling well, I insisted we went to ER. Cancer stage 4, there was nothing that could be done. He passed away after only one month and a half of battling. This was 4 years ago. Still do not know how on earth I managed to get through everything, friends and family of course did all the work.

 

About 2 years after the tragedy, I run into my first boyfriend ever...high school sweethearts. What started as a friendship turned out into a most wonderful relationship. He helped me so very much with my grief, amazing person and father (was divorced, 2 teenagers). Suddenly and out of the blue he suffered a heart Attack, not just a "regular" one but one with a number of complications. He fought for 3 months  and passed away 15 days ago.

 

I am 43. My first husband was 38, my second partner 43.

Devasted, destroyed, angry, frustrated, you name it.

 

I know there is no point in asking "why". Will never get the answer.

No idea what am I going to do, how to cope with all this.

No idea.sorry, needed to share here as I read your posts and see some of you know what I am going through

Thank you

María

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[2ManyQuestions]

Hello,

 

 

I have been widowed twice.

 

My first wife of 24 years, passed away with G-bladder CA, 2 kids, so I was focused, no time for extended grief. My second wife, family friend who she lost her husband a few months prior to me loosing my wife. We evolved into something beautiful, more than either of us expected, living life as we both had a different outlook on life, lost her to GBS and a brain aneurysm. It will be 2 years this week. Still struggling. No regrets other than their life was cut short, nothing was left unsaid.

 

Daily struggles, lots of unanswered questions, my thoughts are elsewhere most days, time does heal wounds but certainly not the scars.

 

I have been truly blessed with 2 loves.

 

-D

 

 

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

I am 43. My first husband was 38, my second partner 43.

Devasted, destroyed, angry, frustrated, you name it.

 

I know there is no point in asking "why". Will never get the answer.

No idea what am I going to do, how to cope with all this.

No idea.sorry, needed to share here as I read your posts and see some of you know what I am going through.

 

Hi, Maria.

 

I'm also twice widowed and I understand what you are saying.

 

It has been harder for me...the second loss.  I'm not entirely sure why.  Perhaps because we had learned so much about life and what was important and we gave to each other so intensely. 

 

As hard as it has been, I am grateful for the opportunity to love my second husband.  I have no regrets.  I try to live my life as fully as I can, although that is difficult at times.

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

[hachi]

This is such an important post. The reality that in our chapter 2, one of us will find ourselves alone again is an overwhelming thought on it's own.

 

I try to remember in my daily life with NG, to live fully present, love easily, and to only think about the important things. I want no regrets. My gut says it will be me again, but I choose to worry about that later. As Maureen has stated, the 2 experiences were nothing alike for her. And in my own experience, knowing it would be me did not help me in being prepared for him to be dead, no matter how much I "pre-grieved".

 

Quite simply, for me, there is no other choice. I must live with love in my life for as long as I can, because  to live without is not a life for me.

[baywebbshelton]

I've come back to read this post again, as I have been for a couple years now. I have been remarried for two years now, and my new husband is deployed in Afghanistan (army) and everyday is filled with fear that I will come home to someone on my doorstep waiting to tell me my husband has died. Sometimes I wonder if I'll really kill myself this time, or if I'll simply go on living life as a shell of who I once was... Honestly though, knowing that there are others out there who have gone through the worst gives me the strength to love despite the odds. I am so sorry for what you have all gone through, but thank you for sharing.