One year, nine months... I am still waiting for him..

[keeptrying]

Is this work trip taking that long? Seems like forever? If he is sad, just come home, we can talk about it. I am waiting, and waiting. The door never seems to open. I am going to continue to wait, but it is so tiring. I will sell my soul to have him come home. I plead with him to come home. I need him. He is my everything. This can't be real, or my reality. It doesn't work this way.. not in my situation. This is not real. I can imagine this happens to other people, other couples.. but not me, not what I had. There is no way. That is why I am so confused. So confused why he isn't coming home. It hurts. Hurts SO SO deep inside. Every second of the day. I try to keep as busy as I can. I try not to think.. ever think.. I don't want to think. But it is like it follows me, always there, lurking. No matter what I do. Because he is not here, he doesn't exist, like he never existed. I bring his name up in a conversation, everyone pretends like I didn't say a thing. Like he was some kind of imaginary person I made up in my head. He never existed. Even though he was my one and only world. And now, it all seems fake, like a dream. I woke up in a nightmare, alone, no one understands or cares. I keep it all in and wait for the day he comes through that door to hold me and smile and tell me everything is going to be okay.

[SemperFidelis]

I really relate to a bit of what you have written. Especially the bit about feeling like people must think you just have an imaginary friend.  Sometimes I have this weird grazing feeling like none of this ever happened....  It's confusing at times.

[Wife of Tomasz]

Hello keeptrying.

I am 11 month out. Although you are further along I feel like I could have written your post word for word myself. I so get it. I am forever waiting, because the idea that he does not exist anymore does not compute in my mind. And like you I also have the feeling that he never existed. Such contradicting thoughts. And surely this cant be real, not him, anyone but him. :'( Yeah, I get it. Hugs

[Tatianakm]

I am only 5 months and one week out, only and already at the same time. Reading your post made me cry, as this is exactly how I feel too: this can't be real! Not him! This man was too vibrant, too full of life to just die so sudden, to just stop being, to just disappear. I still keep saying "we" when I talk about various events: we have this, we prefer that, we went there, we usually do this...Today I was signing a contract for the life insurance policy I purchase for myself to protect my daughter and in the marital  status column "married" option was checked off by the broker. I contemplated for a little while to just leave it as "married"- I am still very much married to all the wonderful life we had together. I am crying as I write this... I could care less if I die tomorrow, actually I would prefer it. Now that the insurance policy is in place my daughter will be protected. I do try every day to make the best of it, to be fully engaged at work and at home, but everything feels like a chore, nothing brings joy, besides time spent with my little girl, she keeps me going, whether I want it or not. I take every effort to not make any plans at all, just keep my head down and keep plowing through this life, however long I have left and one day, I am certain, he "will come through the door" and we will be together again. (Tight hug)

[tk74]

It's been close to a year since I've posted.  It too, has been one year and nine months since my wife died.  I usually say passed or passed away, but you guys understand the ugly truth of died.  For me, this place has the atmosphere of a dim lit basement morgue, it always depresses me.  Yet i know, you're the only ones who understand me.  I so resent this grief becoming a part of my identity,  me becoming a mere shadow and now nothing more than a recluse in my own home at the age of 42.  At least the first year is over. 

[SemperFidelis]

Tk74, cheers to "died" instead of "passed". Sometimes when people use those softer more PC words, I feel like it is invalidating and minimizing what has really happened.

[DavidsKtBeth]

This is exactly how I feel.  Especially the length of the work trip.  Dave was actually on a work trip when he died.  He would be gone generally one-two nights a week and I spent those nights missing him like crazy.  I used to tell him how fucked I would be if he died.  He promised me he wouldn't die anytime soon.  And here I am.. waiting for him to get back from his work trip...

[Frederick]

I moved into Alexander's apartment, and we lived there for eight years. We moved to a new house two months before he took ill. I used to have dreams in the months after he died, that I'd go back to our old apartment, and he was there, alive and well, wondering where I'd been all this time. I actually miss having those dreams.