Coming undone

[Jen]

I feel like all the progress I'd made in the last six months or so-- socializing, making friends, trying to put together some semblance of a life-- has evaporated. I'm back to struggling to hold back tears in public and falling apart when I finally get to my bedroom, my one safe place. I feel like I'm trapped, the walls are closing in, but not fast enough.

 

I'm still seeing the therapist, but I'm afraid I'm wasting her time. I'm stuck. I know I'm stuck. I can't find a way to get unstuck. This is one lost lamb who's never going to be found, and right now I wish some damn wolf would come along and eat me, just to get it over with.  :'( :'(

 

I just needed to get that out. I don't think there's any way to fix it. Thanks for tolerating another dose of my misery.

[Mrskro]

Oh Jen;

 

Hugs.  I completely get the feeling of being stuck.  Most days I feel like I'm just existing.  I'm not living anymore.

[sikeuritgadeun]

Stuck and trapped, I feel the same.  I want to change but I can't.  I try, I really do but I can't move.  I wish I knew how to change this.

[kpgct]

((Jen)) Sometimes all you can do is keep breathing.

 

I can say - from much further out (9 years in November) - that it's okay to be stuck, and is, in fact, pretty normal to feel stuck so early on. (And, just as an aside, your therapist will be okay with it, and if she's not, find a new therapist.)

 

I remember feeling so lost and so uncertain about my future at two and a half years, so convinced that I would always feel lost, sad, lonely...and as if my life would never fit again. A board member who was further out at the time said: "This healing stuff takes time, and what I felt at one year is light years away from what I feel working on my fourth year. What I wanted at 1 year, 2 years is very different from what I want and feel capable of working on at 4 years." There were days when I held on to that statement with a desperate grip, and slowly...far more slowly than I might have hoped, I realized it was true for me, too, and it has continued to be true all along. 

 

The good news, the bad news: two and a half(ish) years is still early days. It's okay to be stuck, it's okay to not have a clear path, to not know the way to get to where you long to be. What can help, I think, is to be patient & kind to yourself in your grief, to find ways to hunker down & hold on when you need to, and to fall back on taking it one moment at a time when it seems necessary. Knowing how you want to feel: at peace, content, safe, joyful...whatever it is for you...knowing what you want but not necessarily how to get it, may just be enough. I believe that if we can nurture some small faith in our eventual ability to self right, we will; although really, in the long run, it probably doesn't matter whether we believe it or not, we will.

 

I found myself, in my despair, imagining that I had a rock tied with a string, and every time I got stuck, I'd throw the rock & follow the string. And wherever it led...at least it was somewhere new.

 

If nothing else, time softens the edges. But I think it does more; when we allow ourselves the grace of time to integrate the enormous changes in our horizon, our internal topography, we allow ourselves to recover, heal and grow steadier in our stride.

 

At the risk of sounding like I'm co-opting Dan Savage, it gets better. It does. Until then, sending healing thoughts and virtual hugs, and a hopeful note from further along on the journey.

 

Kate

[Ruth]

Safe (((hugs))) if ok Jen.

 

I think Kate put it amazingly, it gave me hope as well!

 

You can make it through this, one day, one breath, a time. You're doing fine, you really are.

[Julester3]

I hope you are okay today. I felt I was doing well and then my wedding anniversary came this weekend and it was definitely 2 steps back and brought me back to square one. All we can do is press on and rebuild what we can, hour by hour, day by day and pray time can help soften the blow someday.

[Suki1]

Hi Jen,

 

I can relate to the lamb and the wolf bit. I haven't got anything really helpful to say, but I send you lots of hugs!

 

Suki1

[SemperFidelis]

Kate, thank you for taking the time to write out your detailed and rich post. I appreciate the opportunity to hear from those so much further out.

[Amor]

Kate,

Thank you for that perspective. 

 

(((Jen)))

Wishing you peace in where you are in this healing process.  I wish this would go faster but I know healing takes a lot more time.  It is good to cry in your safe place, it helps.

Amor

[Yell120910]

Kate,

 

Thank you for the time of putting it all together.

I just visited this site after a long time -- during the time I thought I am kinda okay. But I needed to come back because I feel so stuck and lonely.

 

Thanks for the ray of hope.

CYBER HUGS...

 

Yell

[Yell120910]

Jen, my huge cyber ((( HUG ))) to you.

I feel you and I'm sorry you feel stuck and heavy.