Waiting...

[Karin_a]

It's been 8 weeks and 4 days. My time is now measured in how long it's been, days, weeks since the love of my life was taken from me. I thought maybe I was handling it all a little better but the past 4 days have been worse.

 

I'm waiting for him even though I know he won't come for me. I'm crying but he can't hear me, I'm in pain but he can't comfort me, I'm waiting..... Waiting for him to come and get me but he won't. I'm breaking and he is not here the one person I need, the one person who could make this better. No one can see or understand, everyone just keeps telling me it will be better you are strong, you are young you will meet someone new, you won't be alone forever, you have to move on, start doing things.

 

To be honest a part of me want to believe what they say, I don't want to be alone forever I still want a family and I want to be happy again. But I want him more I want to be with. Giving up is so tempting, just go to him. But I won't, I couldn't do that to him to myself to my family to our puppy.

 

I feel stuck, Everything I do feels wrong. I'm crying more now than before, and it feels hopeless and I feel completely alone, even if there are people around me I feel alone. My heart is broken, I'm broken.

[Julester3]

I think we all measure the time more closely because we can hardly believe time elapsed at all after our loved one dies. I am at 5 months and 5 days. Have you tried starting a journal to talk to him? I did that right away from day one and it helped me work things in my head, to vent, to complain, and to just get it all out. Sometimes I try to predict what he would say or think. I totally recommend it because my husband and I talked to one another all day long because we both work on computers and it was easy to chat and text on the side as we multitasked all through the work day. The hardest for me is the silence I have at work but some friends of mine started a FB chat just to keep my cell phone buzzing so I don't feel abandoned while I work.

 

If writing isn't for you, it's okay. You are still acutely feeling the hurt and loneliness. The battle for your own survival is to figure what coping skills will help you. It's different for everyone. Hugs, let the sadness in but don't let it overtake you. You said so yourself, you have your family and your puppy and yourself who are worth it. Hugs!

 

 

[Karin_a]

Thank you Julester for your reply. I do write him, I started one week after he was taken on my birthday. I guess you can call it a journal or letters to him. One letter everyday. I tell him about my feelings, things I do, things I'm thinking about, memories of him and me together, all the things that I loved about him, all the little things, I say godnight every night. I think I write them so I won't forget them. I ask him things even though I know he won't answer me but most of the time I know what he would tell me. I tried talking to him but it's not working, writing is better and it helped me a lot, but now it's not helping as much.

 

I feel like it's getting worse, missing him more, the constant pain is harder to deal with, crying more, feelings of hopelessness and emptiness are stronger, I'm losing my grip on realityand slipping into darkness.... No one to talk too.... Is this normal?  And I'm scared. 

[Mizpah]

Yes, it is normal.  It is hard to be patient with yourself when you are suffering so acutely and don't want to hurt, just as an instinct, but remember - this is one of the hardest things a person goes through in life.  It will hurt, badly and for a good chunk of time.  It won't be that you feel a teensy bit better every single day - there are going to be times when you feel worse.  Yes, it is normal.  The situation is not normal.  Sending love.

[Sad-confused]

Karin I am sorry for your loss and I feel the same way you do, like time may be making it worse not better.  I am in the same spot and can't say much to comfort as right now I feel exactly the same way.  I wait for my wife everyday.  I keep thinking this is a cruel joke or a nightmare that I will wake up from.  Like you I keep getting told how strong I am and how it will get better, but it does not feel like it.  I am also scared like you.  I don't know who I am alone, she was so much of me that I am lost.  I am not sure if it helps to know I feel the same.  I wish I could do something to take the pain away as I know what I am feeling and I wish that no one else had to feel this way.  I am sending my love

[tmwenger]

As time went by it did seem to be harder. I wanted to give up every day, and it....was....exhausting. I am sorry for your loss, and understand how hard it is to see how it could get better it often times feels much worse. It is a long road, but you will be able to travel it and see that the road does get easier, even if it gets harder first. Love to you, and glad you found this place of support.

[SK]

Karin, I am SO very sorry you are experiencing this pain we all have & continue to go through! I am going on 9 months & just lived through my first wedding anniversary without my love last week.  (Would've been 36 years together) please know he DOES hear your cries, your questions, your seemingly one-sided conversations, you just don't hear the responses or feel the touch in the manner in which you became accustomed to, or WANT to hear/feel them. My DH still sends me (very) small reminders in quiet ways only I would comprehend, but he IS there.  I get so angry sometimes that I can't see, feel, hear him, but we just have to learn to accept our new, horrible "normal" and find ways to re-invent ourselves.

I spent a 4 day weekend in a small cottage 3 hours drive away from home recently, which helped me tremendously! Just my 2 dogs & me, watching the sun rise & doing little things I've never done before.

I'm not sure where I was going with this, except to say, we FEEL your pain and send hugs to you in this difficult, difficult time!

Martha

[Julester3]

I think we go through peaks and valleys type phases. You may just be in a valley right now. I think our coping skills are tested when we have that strange interface of trying to get reality to match up with our brains. I know at times everything still feels surreal or fake but my brain has to tell my heart that it needs to remember what our reality really is. Our pysychology is so complex. I think with all the little facets of life we need to deal with, it determines our good days and our bad days when we are just so overwhelmed.

 

Hugs and strength for you today!

[jlhallgamer]

I fully understand I am still fresh at being a widower. It feels like every day my emotions are flipping almost every hour, and usually they swing to the extremes. I'm glad to hear other people say it will get better. I just hope to be able to handle this pain long enough.

[Coconut Head]

I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone.