2 1/2 Years

[Jen]

... and I'm back at the beginning. I seriously considered posting in the 0-6 months forum, but I didn't want to scare anyone, so here I am. Still screaming. Still lost. I have no more clue what I'm doing now than I did 910 days ago. No idea what comes next, just as certain that when Jim left he took the best of me with him, and condemned me to a long, lonely, empty existence. I'm just counting down days until I get to follow him.

 

So many days, though. So many months and years to come, and I can hardly bear to think of them. I try not to; I try to stay right here in the now, but the now hurts like hell. There's no escaping it-- I have no choice but to exist here.

 

Two and a half years. I feel every second weighing on me like some impenetrable stone. I'm not sure if I'm being buried alive or if I'm just one of the walking dead. All I know is that it doesn't end.

[SemperFidelis]

I am sorry jen, that you are suffering in this dark place.

 

After an unexpected and uncharacteristic week of deep depression, i really empathize with you and relate to what you are saying....

 

I don't have the answers or solutions yet; wish I did though.

 

I challenge your ending statement. I don't think that we can know when or if there is an end to a dark and hopeless state of mind. We cannot know what lies ahead of us in time the way we can know what lies ahead of us in space.

[Jen]

Rationally, I know you're right. And I've tried to hold onto that, I really have. I've tried to make changes, be proactive, build something resembling a life. But it was a house of cards, and it has all fallen apart. So all I can reasonably expect-- for myself-- is more of the same.

 

I'm not good with the power of positive thinking thing; I've never been a great Pollyanna. I suspect that's it's that particular fact that has caused my former sources of support to disengage and abandon me. The pain of that abandonment only reinforces my feelings of loss and hopelessness.

 

I've made it 2 1/2 years, which, in the grand scheme of things, isn't very long at all. I don't want to think about going any further.

 

I do appreciate your words, and I hope you see a break in the darkness soon. Hugs.

[Guest TooSoon]

Jen - I am sorry you're hurting so much.  No words really other than to say that I'm in a MUCH better place at almost four years than I was at two and a half or even three.  It is small comfort, I know, but time has been my best friend in this.  Sending love. 

[Jen]

I wish I could take some comfort in that. I'm genuinely happy for you-- I know your road has been no easier than mine. At the risk of sounding completely defeatist, I don't think there's much chance of a happy ending for me. I'm too much of a wreck for anyone to deal with for long.

 

My heart is broken beyond repair. I can't breathe. I wish I could stop altogether.

 

I'm sorry, I know that's not the right way to feel. At least I should be able to keep it to myself. I'm a failure all around.

[Guest TooSoon]

Jen, There is no right or wrong way - (Grieving 101) and sometimes we just feel how we feel.  There are still days when something hits me out of nowhere and I become a lunatic, subjecting unsuspecting and undeserving bystanders to much irrational ranting and weeping.  I don't know why it still happens or why I can't see it coming.  Anyway, not wanting to give advice because, well, you didn't ask for advice but I guess one of the ways I dug myself out was to give myself the gift of feeling like shit sometimes, not beating myself up about it and just accepting that being "better" isn't like an item on a to-do list that you can cross off at the end of the day.  As time marches on, the edges of my grief have softened and the lines between then and now blurred.  But it was time.  Just that and nothing else.  It was nothing I did or didn't do (in fact, when I did try to "fix" things, it almost inevitably and without exception backfired).  The only thing that helped me was time.  xoxoxoxoxoxox 

[Jen]

The only thing that helped me was time.

 

I can't do it anymore. It's the awareness of time-- the immensity of it, and how slowly it passes-- that I can't bear.

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to seem argumentative. I'm not some special exception to the rules. Maybe in a couple years I'll be able to look back and say, Yep, you were right. At this particular moment, the prospect of having to endure two more weeks of this-- let alone years!-- is unthinkable.

[canadiangirl]

Sending empathy and support from here too.  It's exhausting, and people who ask those who are grieving to think positively or live in the interminable moment do not always get what they are asking, or that it can be shaming for those who suffer, driving them further underground.  I really relate to Patton Oswalt's saying that the "lights have been turned down 50% in everything". There are days when I am Frodo and cannot remember the taste of strawberries.  But I hope, for me and you, and everyone here.  Hugs. 

 

 

[SoVerySad]

Jen, I'm sorry you are hurting so much. As you know I've had complicated grief from a host of situations that have occurred since T died, so I can't say I've made a lot of progress until recently making a little. But your post did remind me of one area where I have made progress and that is time. Not so much in the sense as TooSoon, where time has helped her overall.

 

I'm talking about time getting back to passing more quickly again. For so very long, every day felt so incredibly long and drawn out. It was kind of like misery until I could go to bed and sleep so I could give my mind a rest. Not only was each day long, but the weeks felt interminably long as well. That distorted sense of time made me feel more distressed about the future.

 

I can honestly say at 3.5 years that time is back to going pretty much normal speed for me now. It is a blessing. Of course, I have days where it feels longer (like now with what's going on), but on the whole I'm amazed when it is time to refill my weekly meds box. It seems like it can't have already been a week since I last did it. That is huge progress for me and I hope time will speed up for you as well over the next little while. I still try not to look forward too much. I'm not in a good enough place yet to look ahead too far. I will wait to do that until I get to a better place, where a future of better days won't feel so overwhelmingly hopeless as a future of days like I currently feel.

 

You've had a setback not of your own making. That sucks because you lose progress you had made and the journey feels ever longer. But I and others are here to support you in regaining the ground you've lost.

 

Sending you love and tight hugs....

[Jen]

I'm grateful. Truly. But right now it's so dark I can't see a way forward, and I don't really want to try. I've gone this far. Isn't that enough?

 

I've lost my hope, my faith in anything, and my capacity for trust. I think I've used up all the love inside me as well. The only thing I have to live for is responsibility, which is a heavy burden, but I'm doing the best I can.

 

I'm not brave. I'm not strong. I'm just too damaged to do this any longer. Frodo is right, there are some wounds that never heal. Some things are too broken to be mended. I wish I could find a ship to take me into the West. I know I'm not supposed to think things like that, but I can't help it. I just want to be done.

 

 

[SoVerySad]

This far is not enough. You deserve to return to some measure of happiness. But I understand that you are weary and need to rest. Resting is okay and needed at times. When you've given so much love to others as you have, you can run out of energy when you are not being refueled by love yourself. I understand losing trust in others when your trust has been betrayed. Just keep remembering the advice I received from Wifeless early on in my journey: "You won't always feel as you do now." I have found it to be true, even though I have days where I feel setback or events in my life knock me down again.

 

We are going to get to that better place where we will reminisce about how we made it there. I believe that. I will hold belief in you until you are ready to carry it yourself again. Can you think of anything that lifts your spirits even a little bit? If so, grab onto it and try to get more of it in your life. For me, the thing I've grabbed onto is music. Music has literally been fueling me lately. I've given myself permission to concentrate on it and let other things go, because it is what I need right now. I'm not sure what will work for you, but keep searching for something that you can hold onto to get you through the current darkness. Keep reaching out. I and others here will be here to help you get back into the light again.

 

More love and hugs...

[Amor]

Hi (((Jen))),

I wish our Loves were here by our side right now.  I wish we never had to feel this pain. 

I am reminded of a quote you shared with me some time ago.

"When you find yourself in hell keep going."

We are still in hell please help me find a way out. 

With Love your friend,

Amor

[Mizpah]

I don't know what to say, so I will just tell you I see you and love you even though I don't know you and I wish so much that you will happen upon some relief from this pain. 

[LTSLforever]

Jen - I am useless in helping but I totally understand.  I am at 11 months and I don't see an end to the pain.  There are days that I want it all to end.  I am just here to say  - I hear you and I know how badly it hurts.  We must find a way to get out of the darkness - the big question is How and I have no answers. 

 

SVS's words which came from Wifeless - "You won't always feel as you do now."  I do believe in those words and I think we really need to focus on that.

[Jen]

(((((HUGS)))))

 

I wish I had better words... those seem to all be gone too. I'm grateful for all of you. I'm still pretty hopeless, and I honestly don't see that changing anytime soon, but I keep plodding on. There's no other choice, is there?

 

Thank you for being here. I'm sorry any of us have to be.

[Ruth]

I'm late and for that I'm sorry. I can relate to what you write. That place where time itself is your biggest enemy. Where people tell you that you will make it through this and that it is exactly that that is the problem. Because indeed, we don't die of our broken heart, but we do have to live with it and that is so much worse because of the horrendous pain.

 

I have little words of hope to offer. All I can do most of the time is take only this one day. To not think about a future. I can do this, breathing, today. I live like there's no tomorrow, I survive only today. And the truth is that every morning I feel like I've lost again, as I woke up instead of dying.

 

Frodo is right, that some wounds go too deep for time to heal. That there is no going back. Yet he also reminds us that some wounds never really heal, meaning they do heal in some ways and to a certain extent. We will never forget our loved one. We will never be able to erase the pain of losing that person. And yet one day we may realize that we did move on, that we started a new journey. Frodo's journey isn't the end, he doesn't die, he moved on, into another world, into a new life. On most days that isn't a hopeful message for me, but it does remind me of one thing - that you never know what will happen and how you feel when it happens.

 

Gentle hug if ok,

Ruth

[Adley]

I'm sorry too, Jen. I'm also at 2 1/2 yrs and have been slumping pretty hard. No end in sight on a long, hard trip. The mirages are disheartening.  But I'm sure we have to keep our heads up so we can see the good when it comes.

[Ursula]

well said , Adley, yes Jen, keep going,  we are on similar timelines. I hate sto see you so low. I am approaching 3 years and it feels empty and hollow and I am very tired too of being down and sad.

I am keeping my head up most times now, it has become a bit less heavy. But the hollow in my heart remains, there where Alex lives.

Know that I am rooting for you from far afar!