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I'm on Day 2 of Losing My Husband


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My name is Laura, and I'm 47. I lost my husband Adam on Thursday night to liver disease (alcohol cirrhosis). We were so close to making the transplant list, but his body just gave out. I held him in my arms as he slipped away at the young age of 43.

 

I have spent much of the last 24 hours reading through this forum. I am feeling all the feelings you have. I wonder if life is worth it anymore. We had no children by choice, just our beloved dog (who we were able to sneak into the hospital to visit him while he was conscious).

 

I have family with me now, although they live far from me. Adam was beloved by our friends in this city, and I know they will give me support, but I fear the day when they aren't there anymore. I hate already when people talk about their own losses, when none of them have lost a spouse.

 

I just am so lost, yet being an OCD person, I am still so in control, already logging into accounts to deal with some bills and making sure I have all the correct passwords. I am lucky in a way, I guess, because I was the breadwinner and we have no financial issues. It feels like a stupid thing to feel lucky about.

 

I wonder how to find joy again.

 

Thank you for reading.

Laura

 

 

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Big hugs to you Laura. I didn't have kids either, just dogs, including a puppy we got the day before my husband died unexpectedly. They helped me go on for a while because I had something more than myself to look after.

 

Keep talking as much as you need to. We're here.

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I am sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband unexpectedly too - no warning.  It's been 2.5 weeks now.  It feels like forever and like it just happened at the same time.

 

Make yourself eat and drink.  Take a shower and dress everyday.  Do one or two things every day.  Don't try to do it all at once.

 

I have a daughter still in high school and one at college.  So, I have to keep going and doing for their sakes. Otherwise I might stay in bed and just cry.

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Sorry you have to join us here, Laura. It's good you have control over the financial stuff. I'd say you have to work on you and how you are feeling. I know how it's like with OCD. I have it as well but be sure to be gentle with yourself and cut yourself some slack - don't be afraid to let something go if you just don't have the energy or the heart to do it. Don't discount your dog. Some pets are so smart and intuitive...they will help you with comfort and they still love you unconditionally (even my evil cats started showing unusual comforting behaviors - it was surreal).

 

Hugs to you tonight. 

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So sorry for your loss, Laura. I too was able to take care of business in the early days. It was like I had a split personality; grieve or businesslike. I understand OCD. I focused only on items that were high priority and let the others sit for a while. All items were completed eventually. Take it day by day; minute by minute if you have to.

 

I also struggled with what was the point of life even though I had children. One day the sadness and heartache will lift. You will find joy in life again. Your path will be different. Just know, it will happen. There are so many people here that were in your shoes. You will find peace one day.

 

My husband's fifth anniversary was yesterday. For the first time there was no sadness dragging me down. Each year got better and better. Now I am able to think clearly and enjoy life again. I did face big financial trouble in the wake of my husband's death so my recovery took longer than others. The point is, I feel like a whole person again and look forward to the rest of my life. I have not re-coupled and I am fine with that.

 

Grief is a rollercoaster. In the beginning a few good minutes, more bad minutes. Then it will be hours that you don't feel the pain and torment. Eventually it will be days. You will recover and rediscover your life in new ways. Keep the faith.

 

Sending you strength,

Eileen

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I'm so sorry Laura.I know how you feel about being afraid that friends won't be there anymore. I'm lucky to have three or four good friends that are there for me night and day. Some of my friends I haven't heard from since the funeral and it really hurts. I keep telling myself maybe they just don't know what to say. Wishing you the best.

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I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you meaningful advice but I can not.

 

I wouldn't say I'm ocd but I have tenancies. It helps keep things together but it's also making things more difficult. It's hard to give yourself a break if something is going right. Please be kind to yourself one step at a time. Feel lucky about anything, no matter how small.

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  • 5 weeks later...

I have gone through an astonishingly similar situation. My husband was 42, and died of alcoholic cirrhosis. He was secretly drinking, so his physical disintegration was a surprise to me. It was hands down the most horrible thing I've ever gone through. We had a dog, but she died of cancer the next year. No kids. I have since remarried, and am happy. But I miss my first husband Paul every single day. Feel free to contact me any time.

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  • 3 years later...

My story is shockingly very similar. I am on Day 5 of losing my 41 year old fiancé of 17 years to cirrhosis of the liver. He had a compassionate soul that cared for others but he wasn’t able to care enough about himself. 15 months ago he was given 1 to 2 years so I went through anticipatory grief. He struggled with his addiction privately and it was difficult to watch him lose his independence over the last year. Despite being so ill he still contributed up until the last month around the house, cooked all my meals, even before Christmas got me a meaningful Christmas gifts despite not having the money. For 15 years he helped people with disabilities and addictions as well as the homeless. We have no kids just a small Pomeranian. It is still not real to me. It was difficult to see what the disease did to his body and his mental state. He was my world and now there are so many things I have to get through in order to survive this.

Edited by NeutronStar
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Sorry for you loss, I can relate completely. I just lost my husband 1/13/20 from Cirrhosis as well. One day he was making dinner on a Sunday and 2 days later he was throwing up large amounts of blood and we went to the ER. We spent 5 weeks in the hospital, and he was fighting for his life. I saw him go through so many things in the hospital and he was having to relearn how to walk, eat, talk, all the basic functions. He was only 46, didn't think things like this happened at that age. He was the strongest man I knew, we are blended family with 7 kids total, the loss is so huge. He was doing better and getting back more to himself, we were scheduled to transfer to a physical rehab program on Wed 1/15 for 2 weeks then he was finally coming home. I got a call that Monday morning to get to the hospital ASAP, all I could hear was code blue over the loud speaker. he had lost so much blood that he had coded 3 times and at the end all his organs shut down, I had to make that horrible decision to take him off life support. He was my entire world, best man I've ever known. I'm in survival mode everyday now, I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. 

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  • 4 months later...

I lost my husband to a rare genetic disease coupled with acute cirrhosis of the liver also due to genetic reasons just about 1 year ago. He eventually had an altered state of mind and weakened body and eventually was in the hospital for about 2 weeks before he died. At the 6 month mark I had someone tell me I should be over it already. What a load of insensitive bull. There are so many firsts you will both will still be experiencing, memories you will be re-living, and some you won't dare to re-live yet. That's ok, you've made it this far, you are still making it even when you don't feel like it. As the emotions beat you brain don't forget to be kind to yourselves. Hugs.

Edited by Lopez
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I'm at the 6 month maker now, the pain is still overwhelming, but in a different way. I'm dreading the holidays this year, because that's when my husband was admitted to the hospital last year. My husbands state of mind was severely altered by the high levels of ammonia, he was in a coma for a week and when he woke up he was very different. One day at a time is what I tell myself everyday and you can push through the pain slowly. 

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I’m approaching the 6 month mark of losing my fiancé and can not imagine being expected to get over this. I honestly thought things were going to be easier since I watched him suffering not only mentally, emotionally and then physically weakening and dealing with his own grief in knowing he was dying. I thought I would be more at peace with it but I have learned that grief is not linear. It is not only the adjustment of not having his friendship and companionship and the loneliness, it is all of the things he did for me and the house that I have had to learn to do myself. This coupled with the additional stresses of the pandemic, almost losing my job of 15 years, adjusting to yet a new normal. Coupled with critical health issue with our Pomeranian where I thought I would lose her too. This last weekend we had a private memorial with the family and scattering of his ashes to mark his 42 birthday. It brought back high waves of emotions but felt like a huge step. Up until now I haven’t been able to go through his things but have gained enough strength to start organizing them. For the past 5 months his room was exactly how he left it. It was difficult but I feel like this last week has been huge steps in my grieving.

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  • 2 weeks later...

At about four months, my in-laws and I spread his ashes which was also a very cathartic experience which allowed me to get some closure. It helped immensely that in a sense he was finally laid to rest. The flashbacks of our life together come more often nowadays whenever I go through his stuff though I still have a lot to get rid of, in due time. When I first found this site I had a hard time reading other's experiences because they expressed such a hope for life while moving forward in grief where I had none. With time I have found it this community to be such a comfort and have been able to articulate some difficult feelings because of posts and threads I've read. Naturally in grief I still experience anger, sadness, loneliness, and depression regarding my husband's death though I am not nearly as emotionally raw and I am now comforted by the fact that he loved me and that I was loved well even in his sickness. Maybe some part of my experiences will resonate with you. I wish you both comfort in this time.

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