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I'm 30 and just widowed


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Hello everyone. I come here in search of support and looking to learn from others. This seems to be one of the few places that offers as a resource for very young widows and widowers. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot for 30 year old males who have just lost their spouse.

 

My name is Frank as my screename says. I lost my wife of 6 years (together for 8 ) on October 22nd following 37 days on life support at Stanford Medical Center. She went in for open heart surgery, her third, to replace her aortic valve. She was born with Aortic Stenosis. At age 10 she had the valve repaired. At age 22 she had it replaced. We had been together just 2 years at that point. Now she needed it replaced again. This was supposed to be the last surgery, as we elected to go with a mechanical valve. The previous surgery we elected a biological valve, because it gave us a chance to have children due to her not having to be on Coumadin.

 

We were able to conceive just once, only to have her miscarry a month after finding out we were pregnant. A year and half after this miscarriage, she has now left me. I've lost a baby and now the love of my life.

 

Everything with this third surgery went south starting the day of the operation. The main culprit that caused everything to spiral out of control was scar tissue build up from the previous surgeries. The doctors were anticipating encountering scar tissue, but not to the magnitude they ultimately encountered once they went in. What supposed to be a 6.5 hour surgery went almost 10, because of the amount of scar tissue they encountered. Her coronary arteries were fused to her heart, specifically right over her valve. They have to free them loose. Her surgeon who is the director of Stanford cardiac surgery had to call in assistance, that's how difficult the surgery became for him.

 

The cutting on and around the coronary arteries caused them to have to do graphs. One of the graphs caused a blockage and her right ventricle failed. That was complication number 2. So they needed to do a bypass.

 

After the bypass, she was out of surgery with a new valve. But due to her right ventricle suffering cardiogenic shock, she remained on a machine called an ECMO to allow her heart to rest. The ECMO essentially acted as her heart. Her heart still was beating, but it wasn't doing the work, allowing it rest.

 

The plan was to try and come off the ECMO in about a week. When they tried, her heart would not tolerate it and start to fail. They said it needed more time. This back and forth occurred for two more weeks. Her heart just never recovered enough to come off ECMO. All during this time, she was heavily sedated, just shy of a coma. I know she could hear me and he the nurses. She followed commands like hand squeezing, and occasionally would mouth through the ventilator "Yes" "no" and "I love you" when I would tell her I loved her.

 

I read to her books during this time. I had a harpist come and play songs for her. I decorated her room for Halloween.

 

At the third week mark, we encountered complication number 3. Infection. Because she was laying down for weeks and fluid had accumulated in her lungs, she got a pneumatic bacterial infection. All plans to come of ECMO went on hold. They told us 7-10 days to get rid of the infection and then they would try to come off ECMO.

 

7 days went by, the infection subsided enough they could proceed with trying to ween her off ECMO. They got two days into this process when complication number 4 occured. And this was the one that ultimately took her life. She contracted a fungal infection in the blood, called Candida. This particular species was very aggressive, and known to be resistant to anti fungals. They wasted no time and put her on the most powerful anti fungal Stanford has. It's so powerful they can only give it for three days at a time, and you have to go on dialysis because of the side effects to the kidneys.

 

This is how the last week of her life began. She was stable for most of the week and the antifungal seemed to be working. Then seemingly overnight from Friday the 21st to the 22nd the fungus exploded 8nside her. I left her in the ICU for the night and she was a healthy looking shade of pink. I returned text morning when the hospital called me to tell me to get down  there ASAP to a wife that looked pale and turning yellow. Bruises were appearing all over her legs and arms. Her fingers curled and stiff and l they felt like twigs, not warm and soft.

 

She dying in front of me and the staff told me she had 12 hours left tops. Only the ECMO was keeping blood pressure and her ventilator was all that was keeping her lungs going. Without them, the condition she was in would result in death within minutes of being taken off.

 

Thus at 11:30 am on October 22nd, I made the decision to remove her suffering and directed the staff to turn off the ECMO. They staff made the preparationa. They upped her sedation and pain medication to the maximum possible. The chaplain was called. We gathered around and said a blessing. At 12:17 I layed over my wife's chest with tears streaming down my face and gave a nod to the nurse, signaling to turn off the ecmo.

 

At 12:20, her ventiltor breathed the last breath and her monitors were flat. She was gone. 12:20pm, October 22nd 2016. She was 28 years young. Her last day awake l, the day before surgery, was her 28th birthday. I took her to San Francisco zoo. I gave her her favorite dinner, grilled lobster. It would be the last time we would have a date out together. I told her everything would be alright. I told her, as I kissed her for the last time on the morning of her surgery, that I'd see her when she woke up. Neither of those things happened. I lied to her and now she is gone.

 

So here I am. A man. 30 years old. And a widower. I feel utterly alone. I have a great family support structure trying to help me through this, and some friends. But most if not all are much older. I've found very little in the way of widower support and resources for people as young as me. I fear the future when most of my friends and demographic will be dating, getting married, and having kids while I will be the one that just buried his wife. If I should feel like dating again when I'm ready, IF I'may ever ready, how will me being a widower play with ladies of my millenial generation?

 

I feel just so alone with this dynamic. I love and miss my wife terribly. I want this nightmare to end and just wake up. It doesn't feel real.

 

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my story.

 

- Frank.

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Sorry to hear about your wife Frank. My deepest condolences. I went thru the same thing while she was in ICU and on ventilator from day one. We went to doctor to get pain relief needle in the neck and were not told of any side effects or danger associated with it. She had cardiac arrest right after needle and EMS was able to revive her only after 20 min due to which she has severe brain injury and never came out of it and after 3 weeks i have to allow doc to remove support as she was brain dead according to them. Please hold on to her memories and cry as much as you want if it makes you feel better. I hope you will be feeling better soon.

 

MR

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Oh man, Frank. That is devastating. Nothing you can do or control in that situation but see if medical science can do what they are meant to do. I hear you on looking for younger widows and widowers for support. When I talk to those much older than myself and they try to relate their circumstance to mine, I find myself becoming somewhat  bitter. They had more time together with their spouse than I did, got to retire and have more time together, see their kids graduate or even get married or have grandkids, etc. I bitterly feel they can't possibly have the same amount of pain because they got to live and experience more years than I did. It feels and sounds petty in reflection to feel this way but in contrast as a result, we have to live much longer without the one we love and had expected to live a lot more years with than what we got. It's hard to be grateful for the time we've had when we were planning for forever and didn't make it there.

 

Hugs to you today.

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Hi Frank,

 

Your story resonates so much with me. My husband (43) passed last Thursday. We have been in and out of the hospital for the last two months dealing with his illness of cirrhosis. We were actually in for liver transplant evaluation when he took a turn for the worse. His liver just couldn't hang on. I took him off the ventilator but medications kept his blood pressure up until all the family arrived. I had lucid moments with him where we exchanged our love. I kept telling him he would get out and we would go home just like every other time because I didn't want him to be scared. He had been scared and anxious enough in his losing battle against the demon that is alcoholism.

 

I lay in bed with him as he took his last breath; he was blissfully sedated, facing a gorgeous view of the Rocky Mountains. I too found this forum because I was looking to relate to young widows. Yes, I'm 47, which probably seems like a lifetime of age away from you, but it's not. We were still planning our future, the places we will go, how we will adjust our lives in a new way "after alcohol." We are huge Star Wars fans, and I kept reminding him that Rogue One was coming out in December and he promised we would be there on opening night again.

 

I don't have any words of advice for you because my grief is as new as yours. All I know is that I showered today.

 

Laura

 

 

 

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Oh Frank, I am so sorry.  That is so heartbreaking.  My deepest condolences to you.

 

I can relate to the feelings of being utterly alone and living in a nightmare.  I buried my husband three months ago, when he was 33 and I was 32 - and there is just no one who "gets" it, as much as they want to help.

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Hi, I'm sorry for your loss. I also came here looking for support and understanding. Also being a young widow (don't know if I can call myself a widow we were not married), not knowing anyone that has gone through losing their partner young or old, I have found this forum a help by mostly reading other people's stories and relating to what they write and knowing I'm not crazy and alone feeling the things I feel.

 

I was 30 years old when I lost my everything 115 days ago, he had just turned 39, and I turned 31 one week after he died. It was unexpected, we said good bye in the morning before I left for work and then he was gone..... It still doesn't feel real.

 

I have similar fears about the future as you wrote. I hope you find what you were looking for here.

 

//Karin

 

 

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I am so sorry for your loss, Frank. Reading through your post brought all those hospital memories right back. My circumstances were different, my husband suffered a sudden cardiac arrest and already was brought in unresponsive, but I remember vividly wanting to find any signs of life, kissing his hands- the hands that caressed me, were already lifeless and wax-like, but his body was still warm and so dear and familiar...reading through your post made those memories  vivid again. I am a little ahead of you, i started this journey on February 29th, at times it all seems a blur, at times it becomes very raw and unbearable. It is very normal to think about your future life and dating, there is even a term for it- " plugging holes". This void is so enormous, it is natural the people who were in a long term relationship are seeking to "plug that hole". Take your time, don't look into the future just yet, cry when you need to, talk about her if you feel like it- true friends will not mind, but will support. And one advice i got from this forum was to set my expectations very low at this point- just one day at a time. When it gets unbearable I go to the cemetery and will have a talk and a cry, and it helps to spill the emotions out. And read...through anything you find helpful, post here, we get it. 

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I am just terribly sorry, Frank. Your loss is devastating. It is a struggle to find support and true understanding as a young widow/er. You have found the right place here. I didn't find this group until 9 months after my husband died unexpectedly and left me a widow at 33. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour on Saturday, went in for a normally 98% successful 'everyday operation' which he was expected to survive as a healthy and fit young man, but he never woke up so we had to make the decision to switch off life support on Monday. 10 days from fine to dead, 2 months after his 5th triathlon. It is so hard to figure out how you fit in the world after such a shock and change to everything you ever believed in. People here have been through it and understand as much as anyone can understand such a terrible personal tragedy.

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