Terrified

[Kaycee]

Does anyone else feel terrified of being alone? I have children and I know I have to be here for them but I feel so alone. I think about the future and what will happen to me when they're grown. It scares me to think about it. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore since my husband died. Some of the people we were friends with barely talk to me anymore. I don't know why unless they just don't know what to say. I've never felt this scared before.

[Portside]

Hi Kaycee - I think it is perfectly normal to be afraid to be alone right now. But try not to think too far into the future and how things will play out. You may be getting ahead of yourself. All my children have left my home now to live their adults lives but I am only as alone as I want to be. I'm busier than I have ever been. It's a good thing.

 

As far as your absent friends - there is a bunch of stuff going on with that. First and foremost, you're right, many of them have no idea of what to say. They don't want to say the wrong thing and, as a result, many will say nothing at all. Being pretty far out, I can understand that. Even among the posters here, what one finds comforting another will find insulting or insensitive. Also, you now, unfortunately, are seen by some of your friends as a real life example of what can happen to a carefully crafted life. It's not personal. Not at all. It's just that they now have a physical woman/family right in front of them where things didn't work out as planned. And it shakes them to their very core. Folks instinctively avoid that which is scary. I'm at the stage of life where I pity them. They just don't know any better.

 

Chin up, eyes straight ahead and take a deep breath. It does get better in time.

 

I'm pulling for you - Best wishes, Mike

[BrokenHeart2]

Hi Kaycee. Yes I remember feeling just the same.  It was too overwhelming for me and that's when I truly learned what living one day at a time meant.  Even now at 3.5 yrs I still don't look too far in the future. 

Yes I too was very hurt and felt abandoned by people I thought were my friends, many here can relate. I remember feeling like I had a big W stamped on my forehead.  We're here and we get it. Big gentle hugs to you!

[TornApart]

Hi Kaycee, I understand how you feel. As Mike and BrokenHeart2 said, it is a terrible, painful readjustment. Your world has fallen apart and how can you trust it and your place in it anymore? The psychological stress is just overwhelming. Even the littlest things take all your effort. Your friendship group changes so much for so many of us, just when we need stability the most. But at almost 4 years out, my view is that you make a new world for yourself and new friends emerge from places you least expect. But losing friends is a whole added dimension of extra grieving. It is painful. I'm sorry. Just want you to know we are here for you.

[MR]

Hi Kaycee,

It is very normal and will keep happening whenever you think of future. I am so terrified even with present that what if something happens to me, who will take care of me and keep crying thinking this but with passage of time the fear is getting lesser. So please take one day at a time as this is working for me. Spend time with kids.

 

Tx

MR

[Mikenter]

I completely understand, at least I think I do. It's scary to be alone with just your thoughts. I'm sure your friends are just afraid to hurt you, and trying to give you room. I've been leaning heavily on this board to not feel so alone, and staying with a friend. Time will go one and eventually we'll feel less alone and make new friends and the friends who stayed with us truly are our friends. Life has been broken and people don't like broken, but as we pick up the pieces slowly we'll get back into being with people.

(sorry for incoherent rambling)

[Laura1612]

Oh Kaycee, I feel for you so much.

 

I'm not sure I am terrified of being alone. My husband, Adam, (do I have to say Late Husband now?) and I didn't meet till I was 30, and I'd been out on my own kicking ass up until then. What I am afraid of is a lifetime without him.

 

Thank you to those who are further out who have posted on this. You can't believe how much comfort you give me at just two weeks out. Every time you say "it gets better," I believe you because you've been there. I wish this part could go faster though I know it can't. I got 17 years with Adam and that's less than half my life already. I have to figure out how to work it again. It's such a sadness for what he will miss.

 

Laura

[SoVerySad]

I can relate well to feeling terrified. I have found it really important to not look ahead too far. You'll be doing it from where you are now, so of course it feels terrifying. But in the future, you likely will feel stronger than you feel now. You'll have adjusted to handling things on your own - things you never thought you could. It is really important to focus on where you are at right now. Making it through each day, taking care of yourself and your children. When my mind would wander to the future and the fear would set in, I literally had to say to myself, "No, you are not going there right now. You don't have the extra energy to worry about things in the future."

 

As far as friends, that is a really hard adjustment, especially if your spouse was your best friend. To not have his/her support when you are going through something so monumental is very difficult. Then you feel your friends backing off and it makes it worse. Some relationships may continue and others may fall away. I have found I've made new friendships I really treasure. It is completely normal to feel like you no longer fit in. You do fit in here, though, so remember we are here for you.

 

Feel free to PM me anytime if you need an extra listening ear.

 

Tight hugs...

[Kaycee]

Thank you all for your comments. I hate that we are all going through this but I am grateful that ther are people that understand. Hugs to everyone of you.