Grief now...

[SoVerySad]

My father died in the early hours of Thanksgiving. I was raised from the age of 1 by his parents, but continued a relationship with him. He lived out of state. I thought it was strange (and hurtful) that he didn't come to see me or attend the memorial service after my husband died. I found out a few days later, it was because he had been diagnosed with bladder cancer. It was Stage 4 when it was found. He underwent chemo and radiation a couple of times and this summer had been found to be cancer free. He had other medical issues as well. Unfortunately, he had a bad reaction to a new medication he was started on recently, which caused kidney failure and it all went downhill from there.

 

I was able to visit him for a short time the Sunday before he died. He had just made the decision to go home on Hospice, which I fully supported. It was very hard to leave, realizing that it may well be the last time I would see him. I didn't expect him to pass away so quickly.

 

I feel strangely calm since learning he died. Part of this is because his quality of life had really diminished over the past couple of years. I think some of my friends and family are concerned that I am too calm. I don't think I'm avoiding my feelings as I have thought about it quite a bit. I just think that grief is kind of a default state of being for me now, if that makes sense. I've learned to live with it. It doesn't hurt less. I've just become accustomed to the feelings. They are familiar for me now.

 

Anyone else experience something similar?

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs to you, SVS. 

 

I don't think it is easy to lose anyone, but the degree of grief is in proportion to the relationship?  You feel what you feel. 

 

I'm pondering some similar kinds of feelings myself in relation to my own father.  We had a 90th birthday party for him the day after Thanksgiving.  He recently was diagnosed with lung cancer and he has chosen to forego treatment.  He is slipping a bit mentally, but is still fairly strong and independently mobile.  The kicker for me is that we are not close and he has felt it necessary to criticize me for as long as I can remember.  I have made decisions for my own life that do not match his belief system.  I have lived at geographical distance for over 30 years.  When the end comes for him, I hope he doesn't suffer and I hope he is at peace.  Perhaps I will grieve for what I had wished for from my father?  I am more concerned about my mother and her loss.  She will become more and more of a caregiver, and then she will lose her husband.

 

More hugs...

 

Maureen

[Adley]

SVS, I'm sorry for your loss. It seems I can see people studying how I will handle new loss. They probably think 'he's handling that well'. I feel the pain of new loss, but I am somehow detached. Maybe we're frostbit and the circulation's not so good.

Wishing you the best, Adley

[donswife]

Svs- I am so sorry about your Father

I get this feeling you are having

My Mom ,after a year of failing health, passed away in April

We are a very close family and we took turns taking care of her

It was a year after My Don died so I was in a fog  but did get to have some really good times with her

Like you I felt very calm after she died  , my family kept waiting for my meltdown

but this was different , She got to have a long , great life 

I felt she got to decide lots of things to make the end of her life more peaceful (however peaceful that is )

Unlike don who had so much of his life still left to live

Like you said we are living in a constant state of grief so maybe our hearts are giving us a little bit of a break on this one

take care

[Needytoo]

So sorry for your loss.

I also don't have the closest relationship with my father. He remarried my mother's palletive care nurse shortly after her passing. Over the years she created a wedge between my father and I.  I didn't make an issue I guess because I felt he just didn't give a dam about me anymore. He didn't come to my husband's funeral. This caused me so much h anger. I have let all of that go but I am left with something that the best I can explain is an empty void. I have the feeling he is going to pass this winter and I feel nothing or is it calmness? I think it sure beats the anger and sorrow. Sending you another hug.

 

[canadiangirl]

Maybe we're frostbit and the circulation's not so good.

 

SVS, my sincere condolences for your loss.  I haven't had any great losses since my DH died, so this is not so familiar, but it makes a lot of sense (liked Adley's way of putting it). I'm trying to get to a better place emotionally in order to be able to deal with the eventual loss of my parents, with whom I am close, if that makes sense.  I am totally afraid of this and my own reaction, so reading your story helped lessen that fear a little.  Maybe what we went through actually protects us.

[SoVerySad]

Thank you all for the hugs and condolences. I appreciate it. I talked with my counselor about this today. She pointed out all the ways losing my father differed from losing Terry suddenly and unexpectedly. It made a lot of sense. She thinks I'm responding appropriately.

[sojourner]

"Anyone else experience something similar?" (Svs)

 

"Perhaps I will grieve for what I had wished for from my father?" (WW)

 

In my own life, yes to both of these statements.

 

My father got to live a very long life, albeit not necessarily a happy one, due to things both of and not of his own making.  In any event, nothing approaching the impact from losing LH when my father passed earlier this year, a bit under 2 years after my husband died.

 

Now, in a way, that's also comparing apples and oranges, to an extent... parent/child vs intimate mate. But I get what you're feeling. It does make you think.

 

I'm sorry for your loss!

 

Sojourner