Is there a turning point.....?

[RyanAmysMom]

It's been almost 18 months since my DH passed....  And I've been sitting around feeling so lonely and missing my DH, but it seems to be turning to feeling so lonely and wanting to date....  And it feels exciting and devastating at the same time.....  Recognizing this change of attitude is almost as hard as realizing that my hubby had passed.....  When does it get easier? 

[Guest TooSoon]

I started to feel alive again around 18 months.  From that point onward, the trajectory has been an upward one but not one without set backs and disappointments and frustration.  At 18 months, I *started* to put the pieces of my life back together and engage with the world again.  I still struggle sometimes now, even as I have built a new and generally happy life.  He will have died 4 years ago next month.  Be gentle with yourself as you feel your attitude changing - in any situation where you put yourself out there, whether that's dating or some professional challenge, there is risk involved and while I've found that taking those risks has helped me to grow stronger, I also learned the hard way how fragile I still am emotionally when things didn't or don't go as I had hoped. 

 

I can't tell you when it will get easier, only that it does and it will. 

[Portside]

When does it get easier?

 

It's different for everyone. For some it comes quicker than for others.

 

So, just keep taking those steps forward as it suits you.

 

Good luck - Mike

[Mizpah]

Portside is right: it's different for everyone.  I have widow friends who dated within a couple or few months, and I have widow friends who took half a decade to "get back out there."  I started seeing a man at about 15 months.  I forced myself.  I wasn't ready, and knew it, but I wanted to train myself to re-enter the social world.  I saw a very kind man who I knew I would never have feelings for, who was set to deploy shortly, so he couldn't offer or demand much either.  After that, I was on my own again for a few months, and in that time, I came to life again.  Gradually started to feel life returning, felt almost euphoric inside, hoped and wished for some big change, did some traveling alone.  At about two years, I met a man by chance who shocked me by causing me to feel big feelings again - feelings I never thought I'd have again.  (It was still hard though, and even though I thought I was doing well, I think I was still pretty solidly f'ed up until about three years out or a bit more.)  (And also - the first time that first man kissed me after losing DH, I cried and bolted.)  Trust your gut. 

[trying2breathe]

As others have said, it's different for everybody.  For me, at about the 2 year mark I started to feel good about making plans, celebrating holidays and making strides to move forward.  At a little over 3 years, I'm starting to date and feeling comfortable about it.  I understand about the excitement/devastation feeling, at times I still can't believe that this is my new normal.

[RyanAmysMom]

So, I totally thought I was ready for that "turning point" and went out for a coffee "date" today - what a disaster.....  Me, I mean!  So, I guess I need to spend a little more time pondering what dating would really mean for my kids, and evaluate my priorities some more......  Do I just need time to get comfortable being lonely?  Do I need to be selfish and not worry so much about the kids?  Do I just need an attitude adjustment?  Ugh! 

[MACC]

RyanAmysMom-Kudos for you for giving it a try.

We are our own worst critics and I am sure it wasn't a disaster.. and if it was you have survived much worst. Be proud that you are venturing or tried to venture into this new journey. You can be the only one to

decide if you want to continue on it.

 

For me. haven't been brave enough. Due to a childhood trauma my family experienced I am to scared to bring anyone new in my kids life for fear that they may hurt them. I am lonely and wondered if I can just be with someone casually but that hasn't been my style in the past and that scares me too.

 

Please continue to share. Maybe I can live vicariously through you or gain some strength and courage from you.

 

Best of luck on whatever you decide.

[donswife]

what made it a disaster ? 

Was it you felt you were not ready or just the whole thing felt awkward

I am so proud of you for trying

I hope you know it gives me strength knowing you took the first step

so I hope that helps with you seeing this as less of a "disaster" 

I am hiding in the weeds reading how people even start this process and you did that

 

[RyanAmysMom]

As I've had a few days to think about this "disaster" date, I've realized that a lot of it wasn't really me after all!  I accepted a date with a man who had pursued me for a while - but insisted that it be JUST coffee....  Well, as I said, he had been pursuing me - had called me several times, invited me out several times, and I had declined in the past - so this time, I thought I'd give it a try....

 

So we met --  He had several questions about how hubby passed, how the kids and I are functioning, how we're feeling, he even asked questions about how hubby and I met and dated...  I was perfectly comfortable the whole time - it's interesting - because whenever my girlfriends ask me about my hubby, I tend to tear up or shut down - but with this "date", I was able to talk about hubby -

 

I think what happened is that he assumed that I wasn't ready to start dating - I think he got overwhelmed with how much "baggage" I would bring to a dating situation - and that's fair.  He asked me how I thought I might handle that first "walk to the door at the end of the date" situation or whether I'd be willing to introduce my kids to a date....  I got the feeling that he was concerned that maybe i've not given it enough time. 

 

(I also think it might be that in 18 years he's had two failed marriages and two kids with two other women, and perhaps he's not exactly ready to jump into a new relationship, either!) 

 

Overall, it was nice to know that I could sit across the table from a handsome man and smile and be smiled at.  It was reassuring to know that I won't necessarily fall apart if I "cheat on my husband." 

 

My major take-away from this is that my son is turning 16, my daughter just turned 13....  it's not long until they are out of the house - and maybe dating can wait until then......  maybe....