Inappropriate thoughts?

[TinazR]

I'm at 2 months since my husband died and I'm feeling so burned out by grief. I feel like doing something really reckless and spontaneous. It's hit me that I'm newly single and while I don't want a relationship, as I would be absolute shit as a girlfriend right now, I want sex, a one night stand, a fling. I never dated around before we married and I feel like I really want to. And then I feel horrible, guilty and like I'm dishonoring his memory. Tell me I'm being immature and horrible...tell me someone else has felt this way...tell me what I'm supposed to do here.

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

You're being immature and horrible (you asked ; )

At 2 months, although I felt guilt at the time, I started to look to date. There is not much you can do, after a spouse passes, but to look to a future, hopefully of happiness.

[Portside]

Tell me I'm being immature and horrible...tell me someone else has felt this way...tell me what I'm supposed to do here.

 

A man's point of view: To act on those feelings is a recipe for disaster.

 

Sure, I get feeling that way - I did too - I wanted to bang every woman in sight. But, not a good choice for the stated problem. It would have demeaned both the ladies and myself and just added to my sense of loss and feeling at odds with the world.

 

Just ignore it and the feelings will pass.

 

Good luck - Mike

[Mrskro]

Hi Tina;

 

I'm afraid I can't tell you what to do. But I will tell you that you aren't alone.  We have a thread for it  http://widda.org/index.php/topic,39.msg104.html#msg104.  I think it's normal to crave that human connection, to miss that intimacy. 

 

I disagree with Mike, I don't necessarily think its a recipe for disaster to act on those feelings.  But one night stands and flings can lead to adding to your loss.  Not everyone is cut out for it.  And I don't think its demeaning if everyone is on the same page. 

 

I'm two years out, I've done the one night stand, I've done the FWB thing, and right now I'm doing the single and celibate thing and I'll admit it, I want sex badly!

[Mizpah]

There is nothing immature or horrible about this, and I disagree with Portside.  We are sexual and social creatures, period.  As long as you know what you are and are not ready for right now, and you don't mislead someone, and are safe and smart in partner choice for whatever you seek, what's the harm?  I have several widow friends (I'm 5 1/2 years out) who dated very early on, and it didn't damage any of them or anyone else. 

[TinazR]

I haven't acted on anything much except for some really off-color flirting and some making out, but I feel like saying to hell with it and sleeping with him. He is aware of where I'm at in this, and aware that I cannot commit to any kind of relationship and says he is good with that but who knows if that's true.

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

The rule book on widowing has blank pages.

[Jess]

I remember being about 2 months out and getting dressed, fixing my hair, and putting on makeup because I was determined to go out and have a one night stand. I came to my senses, put my pj's back on, and watched tv instead.

 

This is completely normal! I never knew being widowed would make me so damn horny. In retrospect, I am so glad I didn't go out that night or any other night for that matter. It isn't who I am. If it is something you end up doing, just be safe.

[zachsdad]

Hi all. I know it's a bit cliche since we hear it all the time,  but I want to start by saying I am sorry for your loss. My name is Doug  and I just lost my wife of 12 yes on the 3rd.  I get what's being said from all parties. I know personally what she is struggling with,  my wife was rather sick this whole last year and though we were always romantic,  we where not physical. Over the years I had given up on the need for physical intercourse,  though I had urges, I also had a guilty conscious.  I felt guilty knowing the pain, and physical issues my wife was going through, that I would ask her to put herself in additional discomfort for a simple urge that could just be 'washed away ' so to speak.

A few years ago when she got the GP diagnosis, even if we tried to make love I would lose my urge before beginning just because of the process we would go through and the painful expression during intercourse. I lost my confidence in being a man in bed. I know that it's common to get the urge to run right out and test the waters, and in my eyes sometimes it's okay to jump right in,  as long as both parties realize that this may well just be that. Testing the waters to see if you are ready for the next step,  to see for yourself if you still have what it takes, and to because it has been so long since I've/you've had that complete physical connection with no feelings of guilt about your partner. So justify to yourself if it is time, or feels right, or hold back those urges if you are not ready,  just don't look down on yourself for it. It is a test to yourself, and at least you will learn from it.

[TinazR]

Thank you for the responses. I really relate to Zachsdad...my husband's diabetes and heart condition meant that for the past 4 or 5 years, sex was virtually non-existent, and in the past 2 years, we'd had sex all of 4 or 5 times. It was one of our big conflicts. I miss him terribly, and miss the affection and intimacy we had. But our sexual relationship was fraught with challenges.

 

 

That said, I had a one-night stand, with an acquaintance. I was upfront that I was not interested in a relationship and what my boundaries are. I feel slightly guilty about it, but liberated at the same time. Maybe in the light of day, shame and regret will crop up. I will have to deal with that as it comes. But having someone desire me, to be healthy enough to be with me, was really amazing.

[barney_12]

Grief has no rules. There is no handbook. There isn't a right or wrong way to move through the this kind of pain.

 

In the first months after my loss, I craved intimacy so much. I just wanted to feel something other than the intense grief. I just wanted to feel " normal" again. I wanted to be held. To be comforted. To forget for even a few minutes.

 

I can tell you though, from my experience all it did was make me feel empty. And sad. Because how can someone you don't really know help fill that? They can't. It can fill the " need for sex" but you can also do that yourself. I'm not saying not to do it. Like I said there is no wrong or right way - you need to do what you want. What feels right for you in the moment. Just for me, no matter how much I tried to feel better by having sex, it didn't work. And I had to struggle with my own thoughts of myself after. I just decided that I would rather not then feel even more empty inside than I already did. I decided to focus on my friendships with the women and the men I already had in my life who could comfort me and be there for me when I needed. They're the ones who truly care and help fill me up....not some random guy who could care less about my loss.

 

Again though, please just do what you want. Take care of you and make no apology for how you decide to live your life after your loss....it's yours and yours alone.

[Adley]

Great responses, and it just goes to show how different we all are. I'm approaching three years now, and at some point in the middle I was involved with three different women. They are all people I don't want in my life and I regret every bit of it. I even married the last one. All three relationships left me feeling empty and alone. But at least it helped me put the libido in perspective, no more desperation. I'd probably be in worse shape if I had been celibate this whole time, but now three years of celibacy seems like a piece of cake compared to some alternatives. Just be careful and remember that you are still grieving. While that grief may be the sharpest pain you ever feel, in my experience adding more guilt and disappointment to it was the wrong thing for my life.

  Best,  Adley

[Dragonfly]

Hi, I am there with you at almost 2 months out. I think it's the companionship and intimacy that I am missing so much right now too. I have no advice but it helped to read this tonight and see I am not alone in this roller coaster. I miss being a family and my son having his dad. Ugh. 

[Helena]

I can relate. Very early on I had inappropriate thoughts about a guy at work. I thought I liked him and that he liked me. Then I found out he was gay so I kind of dropped it and afterwards I don´t know what I was doing. I think I had to have something that made my life not so miserable, a beam of light in a rather dark place.

 

Today, 17 months after my husband died I am in a new relationship and we met 8 months after the death of my husband. I still grieve LH and I grieve my childrens loss of their father, he will always be missed as long as we live. This new guy is a new book in the shelf so to speak and he has a room in my heart as well as LH has a room in my heart.

 

There are no rules. The only advice I can give you is to take care and be nice to yourself. Hugs.

[Adventureland]

I'm at almost four months out and must admit I've been missing sex lately. I met my husband very young, so never really had another serious relationship, so don't think I'd be at all comfortable with anyone else.

[IronGirl]

I can completely relate to the thoughts . I am only just under a month in and all I can think about is sex! I feel terrible about it but I also think its my coping mechanism as if I think about nice and pleasurable things I don't have to deal with the sad bits. I also think that the past 9 months haven't been active due to my DH have chemo and side affects, so maybe part of it is the itch that needs to be scratched!!

[momof2obs]

Wow, I'm glad to see that I'm not alone.  Tomorrow will be three months since my husband passed and sex is certainly on the mind.  It's been over a year since I've had because of his illness and the effects of chemo. While I do feel guilty that he's been gone physically only 3 months, I also feel as if he really was taken from me long before that.

[Ursula]

We are all so different in our needs and defining our comfort zones. There are no inappropriate thoughts, they are only thoughts .... As long as everybody is on the same page, be safe and enjoy. I am 3 years out and can't imagine being with another man yet. I thought then, I want to have sex with this man for the rest of my life, he died a couple of years later... well, when the urge pops up, nothing wrong with a little DIY and no harm done. As for me, one-night stands always made me look for things that were not there and left me feel empty.