arneal Posted May 28, 2017 Author Share Posted May 28, 2017 Thanks, trying! I was at the optometrist yesterday so I didn't do much work. I am catching up a smidge right now and then I will have that toast and some dinner, even if all by my lonesome The pups are so happy to have me back in the family room. I am just recalling that the first time NG came to my house, we sat back here. I like this room and even though the sound didn't work well, I brought him back here anyway. As the year has gone on, he's liked my techie side and is quite interested when I change things around. This will be a surprise, whenever he sees it. I think you are right about it being important to him as well; I think he's one of those guys who doesn't want to come across as too mushy about such things. I am attempting to be more attentive to these milestones as I have never been so previously and I think he's worth it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calimom Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 Your news made me smile, Rob! It's nice to read. Happy birthday and it's ok not to over share every detail of your life Sometimes just the headlines are enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 Happy belated Memorial Day all. Popped in to leave a quick update. I spent the weekend in my renewed family room and had a great time. I saw that NG had spent part of the weekend with some friends, playing guitar. Yesterday morning I got a text from him, saying he'd been a tad hung over from their shenanigans and wasn't in any shape to ride out, but that I could come over there if I wanted. I was in the midst of a few things but would pop over in the afternoon. We went to the store when I got there; he bought a bunch of bbq items and cooked for me, his daughter, and her boyfriend. We spent the rest of the evening talking and watching some tv; at one point he had to call his coworker about some paperwork and the schedule for this week. They talked and finally he told the guy that he had to go because 'his lady' was there. I was looking the other way so he couldn't see me grinning. So junior high. I ended up not saying anything about it actually being the anniversary of our first date. I made mention of his birthday coming in June and he sort of rolled his eyes with a little smile on his face and said something about people not being excited about their birthdays past the age of 12. I told him I plan to be excited about birthdays, even when I am 130 years old. We had a good laugh about it. It just reinforced what I had been thinking, that he doesn't celebrate much. However, I plan to take him to dinner or something around that time and already have an idea for a gift Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 arneal Sounds like a relaxing way to spend Memorial Day. So you're his lady! ;D I'd be grinning too! He does seem like one that is low-key about celebrations, not necessarily a bad thing. I'm not one to acknowledge some of the milestone dates, so I get it. Update on NG. We've had some good conversations on his backing off from my widow stuff and he said that he was giving me space because he thought that's what I wanted. What I hear from him is that he's concerned and cares, and wants to do what's good for me. So we continue on. He is very different in personality, profession and energy than LH was. I continue to be surprised at the connection with him. So ..... feeling somewhat queasy, last night I did a background check on him. My heart was pounding and I was sweating thinking of what I might find. The results came out clean - no surprises thank goodness. I now feel foolish that I did this, but it eases my mind to know that he's not misrepresenting himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 Trying -- yes to the queasy! After my early yucky online dating experience, I became very cautious. I checked out NG before we met and there were no flags. It's sad that we have to go through such lengths to ensure we won't get tricked, hurt, or worse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 I'm still having trouble accepting help... NG wants to help me, make my life easier, make life less stressful......this sounds wonderful doesn't it!?.........Then why am I having difficulty with it? I work full time, my 19 yr old son lives with me and deals with anxiety and depression , and so I deal with him. I have a 1950's bungalow (lotsa maintenance) with a huge lot( lotsa yard work) and two cars that are over 10 years old (more maintenance).............ever since my husband passed away I have very much been the take charge , don't pity me, I got this type of person. I have taken pride in my ability to "handle things" NG wants to help :for example as I wrote in an earlier post he changed over my winter tires when I made mention I was going to need to do that. And the other day I mentioned that the maple trees were dropping all the keys on my deck, he arrived early for our date night and took the blower and tidied it up. I should be grateful but I was thinking "you don't have to do that I'm not incapable...." The latest thing is my one car had the check engine light on and I had made an appointment to take it in to the local mechanic just up the street. I mentioned that I hated going to the mechanic because I always feel like they see sucker written on my forehead when I head in and say" it's not working I don't know what's wrong". As soon as I said that he was making arrangements to trade cars with me , take my car back to his place and then arrange for his mechanic to look at it. So here I am driving a brand new expensive e car and he has my old one which is malfunctioning and could strand him.....and he's got the head ache of taking it in. I like this being looked after but it also makes me feel vulnerable.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 klim -- thanks for sharing. In my continuing struggle to ask for help, I have gotten to a place where I do what I need to do and then talk about it afterward or if I would like an opinion about what to do and NG goes forth and does it, I grit my teeth and accept. I figure a day may come when he gets tired of me being cranky about his help and stops asking or doing, which may lead to him being offended deep down. I read somewhere that in many situations, men are helpers by nature. When the woman rejects that, the man is hurt because that's one way he shows he cares, even if he's not one to say I love you. Just a thought Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 Klim I was exactly like you for so long, asking and accepting help was so difficult! I think I had to convince myself that I could handle everything because I was so overwhelmed when DH died with everything that fell on my shoulders. Happily now that we are engaged and living together it is much easier because we function as a team so it's more about dividing up responsibilities. Of course there have been some bumps in the road with figuring out our roles and integrating our ways but looking back I wonder why I was so stubborn for so long. I also agree with Arneal that "doing" and "fixing" is a way many men show they care, refusing their help is like saying no to flowers or a gift. Opening yourself up to this will make you feel vulnerable but if he's a good guy it may be worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 klim I'm also one to not readily accept help, and am pretty adamant that I can manage almost anything on my own. I'm beginning to realize that my reluctance in accepting help from NG, is that I'm not sure what I want our relationship to be. I think that there's an intimacy in accepting help and sharing responsibilities, which may lead further to a deeper relationship. There is a part to my grill that is broken, NG has repeatedly offered to fix it and I've so far refused. Seems ridiculous, but should he repair my grill I feel like I will then have him over more and cook more often for him! Something that I just don't feel ready for yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 1, 2017 Author Share Posted June 1, 2017 That's fair, trying2. It is true that being vulnerable does tend to lead to greater intimacy and if you aren't sure what you want your relationship to look like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 I agree , I think that's why I also have been resistant....just it ups the interdependance one more level..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 2, 2017 Author Share Posted June 2, 2017 I had a post here about my NG flaking on responding to my text. Of course after I post it, he responds. Yep, junior high ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 My update: After a week of fretting about another holiday weekend not together, I got passed the insecurities. I hate that. We were in different directions and different timing, and it didn't work to be together. He is in the summer schedule and has his children a week at a time, Friday to Friday. I had family celebrations for a niece graduating, and we were headed different directions, states even. I hate that it bothers me so much. But, I am house shopping and put an offer in yesterday in his town, so we will see if we are going to up the relationship ladder. I did look for a house to accommodate his kids (part time) and my son. I just couldn't see buying house that would not and a year from now changing. So, a new ride on the budding relationship. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 Thank you so much for sharing, tybec! Your post touched my heart as this has been a roller coaster weekend for me. I apologize in advance for this long post ... Firstly, my son is in hospital with pneumonia. He's been there since Tuesday, had to be moved to ICU and intubated on Thursday because his lungs are so full. He's doing okay in the big scheme of things but since he doesn't live near me, I have to drive in quite a bit of traffic to get there. Emotional roller coaster, right? Anyway, NG came over on Saturday evening for dinner. I reached out to invite, he said yes. I was pleased because he was very much on time (he has occasional habits of being late). We had a nice dinner and a good evening. We went outside and were looking at the stars; we both have a like for all things science fiction so that sparked more good conversation. He told me about an app that I could put on my phone for knowing what constellations and planets are in the sky at any given time, which was great. As he searched for it on his phone, a bunch of apps opened at once, including POF. Now at that point I had two very visceral reactions. The first was a gut reaction of hurt. My mind started down that road of 'Is he still looking?' The second was more logical: we all come from different places when it comes to how we go about life. Having been hurt in relationship, my way of coping is to retreat, to stay to myself, to mope and cry until I feel better. For others, and I get that he is like this, his way of coping is to be prepared to seek comfort outside himself. He isn't the type of guy looking for instant gratification but is about making friends first. If things go sour, he's gonna look for a new situation. He's a slow mover and takes his time building intimate relationships. And I can't fault any of that. I didn't overtly react to seeing the app and the evening went on. In the morning, we talked over coffee like usual. However, he took a moment for a VERY intimate conversation. He has had some depression and physical issues going on and wanted to talk about how it was affecting me. He shared personal thoughts on the matter and said what he was going to do about both (counseling as a possibility for the depression and a doctor for the physical issues because they both affect our intimacy). He shared some history about what he knows is part of the psychological aspect to his present difficulties, which was also tough to hear from the standpoint of my first thoughts at seeing that app pop up on his phone because part of the conversation dealt with past break-ups, which of course made me start thinking the worst. But then he talked about how we could come together in a better way, what he would do and what I could do too. We talked about his birthday and places we (to use his words) needed to check out one day. He left like usual to start his week. Before I went to church and drove out to see my son, I sent him a text to say that I know it isn't easy to open one's heart and I have appreciated his trust over the last year (see how I slipped that in there? LOL). When I posted my social media update about my son (most of my friends and family don't live near me so it's the easiest way to give information), he was one of the first to react to it. So in the big picture, everything is as it was. But I've been an emotional wreck! I haven't cried this much in a long time. I feel so sensitive about everything; my neighbor-friend and I usually walk on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but she didn't message me this morning and I cried over that. Sheesh! The message at service yesterday was about wanting more -- more of God, more out of life. Yeah, I was all over that topic! This week, my goal is to get myself together, to focus on work and some things I'm doing around the house. I made a post on social media this morning about needing to have moments like this to be renewed, reborn. I am putting myself on a social media time out. These feelings right here are why I was so scared to date in the first place ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 arneal First of all, so very sorry to hear of your son's illness and hospitalization. Sounds like he's in good hands and I hope well on the way to a full recovery. Prayers and big big hugs to you. About your NG - maybe POF app is still on his phone as he's not yet deleted it? It's reassuring that he's open with you to discussing personal issues and trying to work through them. Emotional week here too - although there's not been much going on there's been plenty of tears here too. Maybe a perfect mis-alignment of the stars or something ..... ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 trying2 -- thank you. My son is strong, never sick. I made him smile when I said to him that since he never gets sick, I guess he decided to do it in epic fashion. Sigh! On NG, yes, I suspect it's something he didn't take off his phone. It's just that initial horror because I am such a tech nerd too -- anything I don't use on my computers or phone has to go to save space. Guess that's the 'anal' part of me LOL. To my own health, the last time I went to the doctor, he told me that I'm in pre-menopause; in addition to all the weird body aches, emotions are a bit out of whack as well it seems. It will be well but I need to breathe. I am not used to wanting anyone around like this and it's tough to balance my usual carefree way of being with a strong desire to have him in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Continued healing for your son - sending prayers and big hugs your way. I'm one to not clear my phone until necessary, and unused apps are usually pointed out to me by my kids. Willing to bet that he's completely forgotten that POF is there. I get it on wanting your NG to be around and the emotions that come about because of this. I'm feeling the same about my NG, although our relationship is not yet really established. Emotions are running high, it's a wonky situation for sure. I tend to be carefree, there's been nothing carefree for me about dating post-widowhood! I need to breathe too, feels like sometimes there's not much else to do - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 Thanks so much, trying2. As NG has his own 'demons' to fight at this time, I think it's good to just be chill about the whole thing. I have other good things to focus on. For example, I have a new gym membership pending (and they have a swimming pool ... oh how I miss being in the water!) and I am due to be interviewed at the local university tomorrow for an anthropological exhibit focused on diversity in the city. I have a writer friend in Holland and we both have new sarees; I promised I'd send along a photo of me in mine, which I am wearing to the interview. I will break my social media silence to post the photo. Oh, and I broke it today to post a link to my pastor's sermon from yesterday I so appreciate this community. It is a great reminder that I'm not alone in these crazy feelings! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Lots of interesting things happening for you, arneal. So good to concentrate on these, have a healthy attitude about it all and let things happen as they may. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 7, 2017 Author Share Posted June 7, 2017 Yesterday was my stepdaughter's 31st birthday, but the thing that occupied my mind more than anything else was how tired I was of being labeled a widow ... I talked to her a few days prior and invariably the conversation turned to something about her dad. I wanted to say that while I remember what she was talking about, I don't think about those times much. I wanted to tell her that I've removed a lot of him from this house, that his presence is more of a comfortable memory than the primary spotlight of my life. I wanted to tell her that I have considered turning my second bedroom into the dog's room so if she comes out here, she'll have to stay in a hotel. I wanted to tell her that the tears I shed from time to time are not for her dad anymore but are because I have growing pains as I reclaim a life of not being a caregiver, which was a life she didn't really know about since he never told her how sick he'd been. I was tired of seeing 'widowed from [LH]' on my social media profile. I was tired of ticking the 'widow' box on forms. I held off as long as I could but before I went to bed last night I went in and removed my relationship status all together. It was strange because once I did it, the connection to LH was gone on there. It was an existential sort of moment. After all, he's not here, he can't interact. I didn't delete his profile. I still am the one in charge of it and can make changes to it. I am ready to not be the spouse of someone who isn't here anymore and I just want to be me again. I had to fill out something about a week or so ago and it only gave the options of 'married' or 'single' ... not even a 'prefer not to answer', so I ticked the 'single' box. I suspect that's what started it. I will always be a woman who has been widowed twice, but not today. Going forward until and unless the Path of life makes a way for me to be joined to another again more deeply, I will just be me. And that's my Wednesday so far Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hachi Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 ... tired I was of being labeled a widow ... I will always be a woman who has been widowed twice, but not today. Going forward until and unless the Path of life makes a way for me to be joined to another again more deeply, I will just be me. I find it easier to refer to myself as "having been widowed" as an event. I never refer to myself as a widow. As life changing as that event was, and can still be at 5 years, it is not the sum of who I am anymore and I never liked the label from day one. I struggled with the facebook status and just removed it altogether, very early on. All in all, armeal, just being you is good thing. From my perspective, anyway. You've got this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 7, 2017 Author Share Posted June 7, 2017 Thanks, hachi -- was recently diagnosed as going into menopause, so here's to the emotional roller coaster of that : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Arneal, Interesting thoughts you shared. I am comfortable with the term widow as it is distinct to me from being single, never married or single, divorced. Just a different story. But not all who I am, either. I have hidden my status on FB always, never being widowed. I was never linked to LH on FB. I have looked at memorializing his FB account. I recently put on there for me to be his legacy and downloaded his FB page for all his information. Since dating NG, and I am moving to his city, soon, I realize I want to be his GF, not LH's widow. I have to leave this town as that is who I am here (small town). It will be hard to change my identity, but also freeing. I, too, feel I am no longer married. A marriage is a moving, living relationship, and it is now gone. So, having some thoughts about this, too. Thanks for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 8, 2017 Author Share Posted June 8, 2017 Yes, tybec, it is a change of label for sure. My problem is how others see me more than how I see myself. The expectation that I will always be LHs wife. It feels weird to talk to them about the fact that I've moved forward with my life because they haven't ... Sigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 I too don't like the distinction of widowhood, have never liked the word widow and try to avoid the subject of it all whenever possible. Talking about my status with somebody new brings on the inevitable head tilt and accompanying sorrys, and at this point the last thing that I need is anybody's pity. There's been no change in my Facebook status because it wasn't there in the first place. I feel a sense of freedom by slowly purging the last of LH's stuff out of my closet. This to me represents a shift on how I think of our relationship, no longer needing those last physical reminders of him. I will love LH forever, however am tired of those that bring up emotions that I no longer feel. BIL still believes that LH holds the primary spotlight in my life, and I don't have the heart to tell him that this is no longer the case. Here's to just being you, arneal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now