For those in budding relationships ...

[tybec]

Yes, I wonder about this, too, Arneal.  My NG posted Happy Valentine's Day to me Feb. 14, and then asked if it was okay later.  He is not into all that, but would allow the public FB if I want it.  It feels so teenager like, but part of me wants it and then my other part says it doesn't matter to anyone but us, so forget it. We haven't posted a pic and it is a year next week.  I hate pics of me and am getting used to a few selfies here and there.  I just know MY FRIENDS will blow it up.  And not sure the motivation as to why. A dear friend/widow lost her DH one month before me, car accident, too, in the state I live.  CRAZY.  Anyhoo, she has dated her guy 3 years and just posted relationship status in Jan. It was funny as they take pics all the time, vacation together, are seen together everywhere in my hometown.  She just said it was time.

 

My thing we have joked about is what to call each other.  I hate GF and BF.  We are in our 40s, have children.  Sounds juvenile to me.  He jokes to call me his "ole lady", and I am older than him.  I don't like it, though.  For others, fine, but not me.  I like beau, but his ex started calling their oldest son Bo when she moved him out of state.  So for him, it has a bad connotation.  He told me I could introduce him as my  "Lover" but that is tongue in cheek.  So, still no consensus. He calls me "Love." 

 

Here is a fun link I found and shared with him:  http://www.swimmingly.com/relationships/relationships-2/47-better-ways-to-refer-to-your-significant-other-than-boyfriend-or-girlfriend/

 

So, how do you introduce your new person?

 

 

[MrsDan]

The first time N referred to him as my boyfriend, he sheepishly asked later that evening if it was okay. It's funny, because we had both told each other that we weren't seeing anyone else. I find the word silly at our age too but those are the only words in  common use so that's what we are. We were quiet on FB for a long time for reasons having nothing to do with widowhood. Now we don't need to be guarded so we're public and yeah people definitely reacted.

[arneal]

Thanks for that, tybec

I sometimes say 'the person I am seeing' (ew) or 'boyfriend' (ew -- I am 48 and he is 52) when talking about NG. When I am writing generally, I use the term 'signif' (really hip, right? LOL). The one time we had a conversation was when one of his FB friends wanted to friend me. I asked him if it was okay for me to accept; after all, people can be so nosy. A specific: a few days after NG and I friended each other on social media, my aunt (who is my mother's brother's second wife ...) sent NG a friend request. It was his birthday weekend and we had stopped for a snack after a movie; he asked me if I knew who this person was and I replied that she was my aunt. I told him she was nosy and he could ignore the invite if he chose. We laughed and moved on. So, in like respect, I asked him about this person from his friend list who wanted to friend me. She is a friend of his dad's and he went on to say that she was probably friending me because she figured I was 'my girlfriend or who I am seeing or whatever' ... I had another one of his friends send me a request and I accepted without saying anything.

 

It's so junior high for sure!

[arneal]

Yes, MrsDan -- I think we both think about the social media blowup should we go there. However, we'll need to get to a point of what we call each other first ... but stranger things have happened! Only time will tell.

[daysofelijah]

I changed mine to "in a relationship" this summer and posted a pic of NG and me for my profile. I had a couple of unwanted advances from some guys I was "FB friends" with so that helped take care of that. Plus everyone was all over the moon happy for me. NG doesn't have a FB account anymore, so I'm glad of that. I have a love/hate with FB and all I usually use it for now is my genealogy and translation groups.

 

Only lately have I gotten more comfortable saying BF, and he will call me his GF more often. It still sounds a little weird.

 

And for nicknames he mostly calls me my name or babes, I didn't care for babes at first but its grown on me. I usually call him his name or love or sweetie.

 

DH and I always called each other honey and seldom by our names, so I've tried to stay away from that one.

[arneal]

That is something you've made me consider as well, daysofelijah -- LH and I had nicknames that sort of just happened; I am good at creating spur of the moment names and so was he. NG uses darling when he's being dramatic about something (like if we are pretending to be ritzy folks, throwing up our pinkies while we eat ribs or something ha!) or babe occasionally. I might slip in a 'hun' every now and again but tend to just start talking or call him by his name. When we text, we usually use each others name or just start with 'hey!'

[Trying]

While dating I never changed my FB status.  The first picture we posted of the 2 of us was very talked about and planned after all of the important people in my life knew I was in a serious relationship.  I'm not one to put many (or barely any) pictures of myself on FB so there haven't been many of us as a couple.  I did an announcement post when we got engaged and then finally changed my status.

 

The whole BF/GF title thing in our 40s was very weird to me but I'm comfortable with fiancé.  He would laugh at me whenever I introduced him before because I would stammer and then just use his name or not even introduce him because I'm socially awkward to begin with. 

 

 

[Abitlost]

To the original post, about the pinnacles and pitfalls…

 

I am so blissfully happy with my NG, we’ve thus far encountered no pitfalls  We communicate well and often, support each other, cherish each other, anticipate each other’s needs, and have deep respect for one another, not to mention exceptional romance and chemistry. The pace of the relationship has been mutually set, we have integrated our lives in a comfortable and natural way, and above all have full trust in each other.

 

The only thing we have ever disagreed on is the sleeping room temperature: I like it cold and he likes it warm. Our disagreement comes in that I want to warm up the room so that he is comfortable whereas he wants to cool the room so I am comfortable. We both want it the other person’s way - lol!

 

I could not be happier!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

abl

[arneal]

Trying -- I totally relate to the socially awkward thing. After LH died, I decided it was time for me to make some health changes for myself; having been a caregiver for a while, I realized I had not been taking care of myself. I signed up for a challenge at a gym where my friend was a manager and made the initial goal. What was really the challenge was that we had to post on FB while we were in the challenge. I have never been a selfie person so that was horrifying for me! Plus, I hate photos of myself. Well, I have continued to go to the gym and have made some great acquaintances there. I haven't actually been this size since junior high, so that is quite an accomplishment for me. I have worked hard at the social awkward bit and am coming along. I practice conversations whilst home alone I also practice the sorts of things I plan to say to NG as well so I am ready for all sorts of discussions (we spend a lot of time talking). I appreciate your comment about not changing social media status ... that makes sense.

 

That is fabulous, Abitlost -- so glad to hear about your situation. I look forward to sharing something similar one day. I do my best just to keep cool and take it one day at a time

[Abitlost]

Thank you, arneal. I spent a long time in the wrong relationship thinking nothing could be as good as it was with DH, so therefore a good-enough relationship was what I would have to settle for. I'm happy to report that was flawed thinking. Finally I'm with someone who deserves me as much as I him. My relationship with NG is of course different than my relationship with DH, but it is just as rewarding. It feels amazing

 

And there is nothing wrong with your keeping cool and taking it one day at a time approach!

[arneal]

Agreed, Abitlost! We all deserve to love and be loved well. For some, this is something they've had before and it is difficult to move forward with someone new. For others, it's a completely new experience. No matter what, it will be different and there's nothing wrong with that. I am happy for you and hope you'll continue to share news of how it's going!

 

Yes, I think things are going well with NG; it's been just about nine months since we started seeing each other

[arneal]

Ha! How timely in light of our recent conversation -- just saw a post from a friend on Facebook: 'The sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook'  ;D

Confession: almost lost my cool today. NG had been traveling for work so we didn't get together for our usual Saturday; he came yesterday instead and left from my house to go to work. Sigh. Showered here, did a bit of work on his computer before leaving, coffee together, hugs and kisses goodbye with wishes for a good day and safe driving ... again, sigh.

[tybec]

One yr. this SATURDAY!  Going to a dance!  Wow!  How did we get  here?  Time marches on.

 

 

And we are talking about moving in together. My mother was assessed at the Personal Care/Memory Care last week and my brothers are on board to move her as there is a room and there are no guarantees for this a month or later.  So, NG is asking when I and son are moving and all.  There is so much to think about and I AM TERRIFIED but also HOPEFUL. We may have a LONG engagement due to his divorce sitaution and me just keeping my son's and mine nest egg safe from any possible legal ramifications from his ex.  IDK.  I never would have thought to be here, yet here I am..... But it is crazy wonderful!

[trying2breathe]

Back with an update  :  I've yet to have the hard conversation with my guy, have enjoyed a few more weeks of dating without any physical stuff, other than a peck on the cheek.  It seemed that we were happily spending time together, dutching everything, companionship without the complication.  Huh.  Last night he told me he wants to move it to the next level, whatever that is. 

 

It's not fair to him, I realize.  I've loved the past few weeks, with him - gahh - why can't I do this?

[arneal]

tybec -- good for you! Yeah, the before-divorce thing. Totally get that. LH was separated when we met as was NG. LH and I lived together for some time prior to the divorce and we kept from co-mingling finances for just that reason. I think also he had an inkling that it would be easier to do so moving forward should I find myself alone. Like I have. Beyond my house, I have nothing of worth financially. LH was a musician with health issues. NG was upfront when we met that he was separated and working on a divorce; it was finalized in September. On the finance thing: I've been having car nightmares. Both my vehicles are not running but sitting in my driveway. I explained to NG why I can't just get rid of them (poor decisions, title loan taken on one to fund the family trip to my graduation when I finished my doctoral degree ages ago; and with a drop in my credit rating after my last F/T work contract ended in 2013, no one will give me a new car loan to ditch the other one I am paying on) and he said if he could, he'd buy me a car. How sweet!

 

trying2breathe -- if I might suggest, if you can avoid the 'It is not you, it is me' conversation? Maybe just coming out and telling him how you feel, that you are enjoying how things are, that you aren't closed completely to the idea of moving forward at some point (or are you?). Don't beat yourself up about not forging ahead. We all have to take our own pace with this thing. Personally, I was ready for a physical relationship after being with LH for eight years without sex (prostate cancer and surgery). I am grateful to LH for helping me find out more about my own desires and needs as the first husband certainly didn't give a hoot about it. It took a few months dating NG for me to figure out how much I wanted to be with him. Sigh. The story continues!

[arneal]

Hi all and happy Sunday!

 

Was filling out an online survey (it was about an extended warranty purchase experience and for a $250 Visa card -- can't hurt!) and got to the demographics question, which brought me back to the discussion here about changing social media status. Do you all tick the 'widowed' box when you fill things out? Have any of you switched to 'single'? If so, why and after how long? If not, why not?

[Bunny]

I always check widowed. To my thinking- single means you've never been married. If you've been married, then you're either widowed or divorced- until you get married again.

[tybec]

On FB, I am hidden as far as my status.  Only I can see it.  Have decent security settings.  I did tell NG yesterday after going to church with him that I need to let people know I am a widow, my thing, my issue.    I told him, it is different than being a single mom never married or divorced.  I am not being negative about those statuses, but I am different. I told him I don't want folks to think my son had a dead beat dad or no dad.  My DH had NO DAD ever, and he dealt with that until we had our son.  It messed with him for years. 

 

I am Mrs. DH until I remarry.  Maybe old school.  But I am not in the category of never married or divorced. 

 

At the funeral, people brought lots of cards, of course, and one was labeled to Mrs. DH.  My MIL picked it up.  Now she never married, and she is MS.  Well, I am lucky she gave it to me.  It was an incredible letter a soldier brought to me, telling me she and her husband stopped at the accident site and administered CPR until the ambulance got there. Also, they were medics.  She wrote she prayed for my husband to let him know he was not alone and he was loved and God was with them all.  The letter was for me, Mrs.  We widows are different, not better, just different.

 

NG is divorced, but his wife abandoned him.  He has that to contend with, but not the same. He says he understands.

[MrsDan]

Widowed. I'll always be widowed. I imagine if I ever remarry, I'll check both. 90% of the time it makes no difference at all and has nothing to do with whatever form you're filling out.

[tybec]

I like her blog.  Most is pretty relatable to me.  One answer to the widow status.

 

http://www.onefitwidow.com/dear-widow-police-i-wont-revoke-my-card/

[arneal]

Yes, tybec -- that is a great site. I had not read this post before but yeah, quite appropriate.

 

I think I wish there was some sort of in-between term. If not on a professional letter, I'll use no salutation or I'll use 'Ms.' as I've never felt much like a 'Mrs.' (that's my mom LOL), even when LH was alive. Otherwise, I avoid the whole thing and use 'Dr.'

 

It boils down to always being part of the club (boy, too much in the club after being widowed twice ... sigh) but wanting to get away from the sympathetic, pitying looks from people when they ask me if I'm married ...

[tybec]

Arneal, Had to laugh.  I never have been called Mrs. Dh.  But I relished the card with that on it, and now do.  I was trained we all are MS so as to not denote status.  I am in the south, so I am Miss to everyone no matter.  If you are DR., go with that.  I notice here, my female colleagues are often call Miss when they are Dr. and the males are called Dr., and sometimes are just Mr.  So, go with that the DR!  You earned it.

[arneal]

tybec -- I used to say that I'd only make people I didn't like have to call me Dr.; the rest could use it if they liked I answer the phone with it when there's a telemarketer on the line! Ha!

[klim]

I choose Ms....and widow  on any forms.

i teach and students always call me Miss.....hey at least it makes me feel young.

 

I like that blog post way better then the one that referred to a "former widow " that was just weird.

 

Tybec that was nice to receive the card.....

[calimom]

My husband is dead, so I'm considered a widow to the IRS, my bank, my kids' schools etc. I do have a long time gentleman friend, which is of  mild interest only to my friends and family, not so much to the IRS, my bank, my kids' schools, etc. If we were to marry, which we're not interested in doing, then I would be married, and considered by anyone interested that I was someone who was once widowed. My belief is that your marital status is what you currently are, not what you once were - although it's part of the narrative, no doubt.