introduce yourself here

[Nella]

I am Nella and new here. My husband of 9 years was diagnosed in November 2016 with Liver Cancer and was gone by February. I am left with two girls ages 4 and 7 and have no adult family member in this country. I realized I was feeling worse as the weeks go by instead of better, but reading the posts here helped me understand it is very common to feel worse. Taking it a day at a time.

[Dynagirl]

Hi,

My name is Jess and I lost my partner Jamie in March 2016.  He went to work one morning and never came home.  On his way home that day he was involved in a road traffic accident.  He was put in a medically induced coma but his injuries were too severe and he passed away two weeks later on what would have been his 32nd birthday.  At the time of his death we had a three month old baby boy, Zac.  I felt numb for a long time after his died.  I didn't have the luxury of wallowing because I had the baby and at the time I was living in the UK and my parents were in Australia so didn't have their support.  Some people didn't understand how I was coping and I lost a lot of friends.  I didn't understand why he had the die and leave me to raise a baby on my own.  We should have been celebrating the best time of our lives but instead my maternity leave was tainted by what had happened.  Jamie's family and I had a massive falling out nearly a year ago now.  I felt like they didn't support me and Zac much after he died but after the fall out, it's like we don't exist (they didn't even acknowledge Zac's 1st birthday).  In the end, I decided to cut my losses.  I sold my (our) house, packed up Zac and our dog Foster and moved over to Western Australia to live with my mum.  I'm rebuilding things slowly.  I re-enrolled in university and am studying online.  I'm trying to make things better for myself and Zac.  A lot has changed and I feel like I'm ready to move forward but every day is still hard.  I don't think I'll ever get why Jamie had to die.  Sometimes I think that the stages of grief just wash over you, and sometimes I find that feelings just hit me like a ton of bricks.  Zac is 20 months now and he's amazing.  I'm just sad all the time.  Mainly because I just don't see an end to how things are now.  I want things to get better but it feels slow.  Anyway, this is a longer intro than I wanted, so sorry for the headache :-)

[Wheelerswife]

Please, no apologies, Jess.

 

We are here to listen, to have a place to tell your story, and to say all the things that other people don't understand.

 

I'm sorry you are a part of this club.  I'm sorry your beloved Jamie had to die and Zac does not know his dad.  Relationships with in-laws can be complicated.  Just remember that they are not themselves now, either, as they lost their son.  Of course, that does not mean you have to endure poor behavior from them.  Perhaps starting over again in Australia will be the best for both you and Zac.

 

I found that studying was good for me, too.  School work forced me to focus my attention, and that wasn't easy for me to do.

 

You are not the only young parent here who lost their partner.  Keep reading and you will find that even though in your real world, you are pretty alone, there are others in this virtual world who share a similar story.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Guest oneoftwo]

Love2fish

when I think about what might have happened if I left my husband before he left me- I like to think he would would have your sentiments and thoughtfulness.

 

Now, I just need to find it for myself- without him

[Tsnre]

Hi, I'm Sara..just joined the group. It's been 3months next week and it just doesn't seem real. We met 14 yrs ago at work and were a perfect match. I was alone by our 9th yr wedding anniversary with our two beautiful children who are only 2 and 6. Hard to fathom being a single parent to raise them on my own now. He was the kind of guy that would tell you exactly what he thought without holding anything back but he would also make sure that each person he loved felt like family. We just bought the home of our dreams last year, the place we wanted to raise our young family in. This is same house he grew up in and the same place we had our first kiss several years before. It was fate we thought, that it just happened to be on the market when we couldnt find anything else that fit what we wanted. We were so happy...how quickly life can change.

    We were at his parents new home having a usual Sunday family dinner when he decided he wanted to take out their atv for a ride up the road. When we heard the sirens and then ambulance coming up the road we knew it wasn't right..my heart sank, I knew it was for him. I drove up to the scene to find his body in a ditch. He had struck a telephone pole and died instantly at 35 yrs old. We had so many more memories to make. My heart is broken. I've had a hard time trying to deal with all the insurance and mess that needs to be taken care of on top of trying to find a new somewhat normalcy for me and my  babies.

  Someone told me I should look into this site to find others with similar situations. I have read  some threads and I can see that you will all help me with what I'm feeling just reading how others were able to cope

[BrokenHeart2]

Sara, I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes it does feel unbelievable doesn't it. There are a lot of terrific people here that have helped me tremendously over the past four years. I hope you will find a bit of comfort and understanding here in this horrendous time for you and you children. Post as much as you want.

Hugs to you.

[donswife]

Thank you for reaching out to this site

It will help as I know it has helped me more then I could have ever expected

 

I am so sorry to hear about your husband and his accident

Please just try and take it day by day and be gentle to yourself

this is all a shock to you and your children

 

Take Care

[vickik13]

lost my hm 10 years ago... happily remarried. but you never move on from the loss.... v

[Wheelerswife]

Welcome, vickik13,

 

They stay with us, don’t they?  I’m sure you have some wisdom to offer our board.

 

Maureen

[kjs1989]

Hi Sara,

 

I lost my husband of 23 years in an accident, too. He left to go duck hunting with several other guys on a dark, foggy October morning in 2012. Running late  and in a hurry to get to their duck blind, the boat driver struck a concrete channel marker in the Mississippi River. My husband was knocked unconscious  and drowned in three feet of water.

 

My kids were older, in their teens, but like you, the thought of suddenly becoming a solo parent was completely overwhelming. And dealing with all of the "business of death" issues was utterly brutal in the throes of grief.

 

I found the only way I could function was to just go literally one day at a time. I had no thoughts to the future at all, except survival. I did reach out very early on  to other widows and widowers further out than me who seemed to have found their way. That was one of the most beneficial things I could have done. I am still very grateful to those  who helped me and let me know the kids and I could survive this, because there was a period of time I truly thought I could not do it.

 

So here I am five years later. Still so surreal that this is my life. I am doing ok. The kids seem to be doing ok. I am in a relationship. Many really good things have happened to me  these past five years. I won't lie and say it has been easy. In fact, there has been some real heartache getting to this point. All three of my kids have had some sort of major life issue the past five years that I had to deal with on my own. I needed D so badly during those times. 

 

I feel like those 23 years with D was life A, and this is Life B. It is the hand I have been dealt and I am doing the best I can. I want to show my kids that we are going to make it, that life is still good and we need to try each day to to live the best life we can and find joy where we can. That has been my motivation and survival techinque.  I actually had depression issues on and off during my marriage, just the day to day life frustrations of dealing with kids, family, work, conflicts, pressures. Now, I wonder what the hell. I had such a charmed life. Talk about perspective!

 

Sara, I think you will find what works for you in healing.  It is different for everybody. I still have days where I want to fall to my knees and just quit, just be done. But I don't. I always hate when people say, " You are so strong. I couldn't do it"  Please, what choice do we have? We just bumble along and figure it out, and hopefully make good choices once the fog clears a bit.

 

 

[Sherinohio]

I'm here. I don't want to be. As all of you. I'm Sherrie and my DH died unexpectedly on August 6. He had some chest pain the week prior. I took him to the Dr. who said he'd had a heart attack and  made an appointment for a stress test 10 days later. She sent us home with meds for indigestion.  He died the 2 days later. This Friday would have been our 37th anniversary.

[Julester3]

Hugs Sheri!

[motski]

Hi, I was a member of the old ywbb and posted under the name maureti. I decided to drop the reference to my wife and use a name and old friend use to call me.

 

I went to log onto the ywbb one day and found it was gone. I was unaware this one had started till a few months ago when I got an email from an old ywbb friend. Since then I have been reading some, looking to see how others have handled different life circumstances post widowhood, so I decided to introduce myself.

 

I use to post mainly in the special sections board as my wife died from a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head in October of 2009.  This year marked the point where she has been gone longer than we were together. I still think about her pretty often, but it is generally a pleasant memory triggered by something. Though occasionally there are still bouts of grief.

 

I have dated some and had a brief relationship. Maybe one day I there will be a love in my life. For now though I am working on personal growth, (it's tough growing up in your 50's), and entertaining my self with travel and spending time with my grand kids and friends.

[Wheelerswife]

Welcome back from another member of the class of 2009. Some of us from back that far are still around. I can’t say I’m growing  up in my 50’s but definitely stretching myself in new directions, even though I can’t necessarily define those directions!

 

Best wishes

 

Maureen

[motski]

Thanks for the welcome Maureen.

[Nymets1986]

My husband had a heart transplant at the age of 24 20 years ago  at the Cleveland Clinic and started having health issues this past spring with arrithymias and urosepsis from a complication from a kidney stone. 

 

He was admitted on 11/15 and his kidneys started to shut down as he was retaining fluid. He went into cardiac arrest in the ICU and passed away on 11/25.  We have a 16 year old that Mike adopted from my first marriage and a son that is 9 that was very close.  The last few days leading up to Mike's death were hard as he was at the Cleveland Clinic but myself and the kids were at home 4 hours away :'(.

[candace0902]

Hello , I am another from the old board and haven't been back in quite awhile.  I'm so glad that this site continued; I dont think i would have survived the first two years without all the love and support I found here.  It will be six years on January 4th, and I still struggle with the holiday season. 

 

I'm glad to see some old friends here; our emails and phone calls were often the only life jacket I had.  For the newly widowed; visit often and even if you dont post you will find such amazing support reading posts from others who are still reeling from the shock and pain of their loss; but know you will always be welcomed and supported by all of us here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[sudnlysngl]

hi everyone, I was on ywbb and found you all here. it's been a while, but the hurt never goes away and I needed the support and love again. just passed the 11 year mark the other day and so much has happened since ywbb days. I had remarried, but we are divorcing now.  Thank goodness I'm smart enough that I never put him on MY house that has been mine and dh's for 25 yrs, so now I'm packing, selling, divorcing, and still grieving. wishing dh was here and wondering why I got myself into this mess with this jerk!

But, hey HI to those from ywbb, and to those of you I haven't met yet.

[BrokenHeart2]

Hi SS, so sorry you are going through all of this.  I don't recall your name but I'm assuming this is a new one.

Sounds like you are in a "one day at a time" mode right now.

Gentle hugs to you.

[Abitlost]

Hi SS, I remember you as well. I’m sorry to hear of your current situation but glad you found your way back here.

 

abl

[Cyndi]

I wrote this on the "newly widowed" forum, but I'll post it here too:

 

Hello,

 

I'm new here. My husband died on November 13, 2017-- 6 weeks after our wedding and 2 weeks after our honeymoon.

 

He was only 27. We thought he had the flu, or was just sick. It was a Monday morning, and I went to work. He told me he was going to try and get a few more hours of sleep before going into work.

 

I hadn't heard from him in a few hours, so I left work to check on him. As soon as I walked in the front door, I knew. I don't know how I knew...but I just did. Maybe it was the silence. Maybe it was our soul connection. I don't know.

 

I found him on the bed. He had been gone for hours at that point. I can't get it out of my head.

 

We were together for 10 years. We met at age 15, were friends, starting dating at 17, went to college together, lived together, did everything together.

 

The autopsy report came back a few weeks ago. He had salmonella. Somehow, it had gotten out of hand and got into his bloodstream, which effected his organs.

 

He died of myocarditis related to the salmonella bacteria, which is an inflamed heart.

 

I still can't accept it, I still don't. It seems like such a stupid, preventable death.

 

Pretty much just been putting one foot in front of the other and trying to survive. I had to go back to work 3 weeks after his death.

 

I have no children.

 

I'm so lonely. Grateful to have found this message board.

 

Hugs to all.

[sunsetmojito]

Hey there, I'm new so saying hi here. My husband is currently on home hospice care, concluding a fierce 3-year fight with stage 4 colon cancer. We have two little boys, ages 7 and 9, who are doing as well as they can be. We have had a very stressful month, with a lot of ups and a lot of downs, and a lot of moments where I thought we were losing him for sure, only to have him bounce right back again. I know one of these days, likely soon, he won't be bouncing back, and that scares me but is also relieving too. He's so uncomfortable and in pain most of the time, he hates being confused and hallucinating, he doesn't like feeling so out of control of himself. And for me, I'm his 24/7 caregiver, and I'm exhausted in all possible ways, physically, emotionally, mentally... I'm beyond exhausted. I don't want it to be over, but I am hoping for peace for both of us whenever it does happen. We have had a lot of time to discuss his final wishes, and now I'm scrambling to make them happen as best as I'm able to. He just retired medically from the Army, and I'm finding out now that during the last 4 months of his illness, he neglected/wasn't able to do a lot of very important things. Navigating the VA system while he's mostly unconscious has been a nightmare, and I'm so overwhelmed with taking over our finances, taking care of him full time, taking care of our kids, and also our new home (just moved in 5 weeks ago... he was in the hospital 5 days after we closed,) and sometimes, very rarely, I take care of myself too.

Anyway, I'm glad to have a place to look for others experiences and share ours, and maybe we can help each other through this awful experience and time in our lives. 

[Portside]

Sorry you have to go through this. Being the caregiver certainly grinds you down.

 

Maybe enlist the help of your congressman's office to get some help on the VA front. Many times they can suggest a person that can help you navigate the bureaucratic bs.

 

You said you were hoping for peace after the inevitable occurs. Boy I get that - I no longer feel odd saying my life was infinitely less stressful after my wife passed. No one wants to lose their spouse of course but the alternative being so gravely ill is also horrible. I also had two little guys when my late wife died. I'm years passed that now and all has worked out although at times I didn't see how it could.

 

Do the best you can, rest if you can. Hang in there.

 

Mike

[hachi]

Sunsetmojito, 

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. I get the "beyond exhausted" and remember wondering how it would feel when it was all over. It truly was an honor to be able to be by his side, and the end was really peaceful. We had home hospice also. Things for me that were important - minimizing the flow of people in and out, and letting those who were the closest help me when I needed a short break. I never did bring myself to leave the house in the last weeks. Figured there would be time for that later. But the short breaks to look at the sunset, or play with the dog were welcome. 

 

I hope that hospice is able to manage his pain to make this more bearable for the both of you, 

 

Marie

 

[PaulZ]

Hi everyone, I'm new here.  My wife died 2 years ago at the age of 39.  We had been married 15 years, together 19 years.  Laurie was a nurse, became sick 5 months after the birth of our daughter when she was 27 years old.  She had encephalitis, an infection in her brain which almost killed her 12 years before she died.  The encephalitis caused various damages to her brain, leaving Laurie with uncontrollable epilepsy, extreme short-term memory impairment and various other cognitive deficits.  She was never able to return to work and our lives were changed forever.  She went through terrible depression and anxiety for the first 2 years after the encephalitis, due to her brain damage and due to the loss of so many things in her life, lost independence, loss of memory, loss of ability to work, loss of ability to drive, loss of control over her life.  Life became better when she came to accept what had happened to her and she became a happy, albeit sick, person again.  She was a great loving caring mother and wife.  

Life was never carefree or simple again.  She had brain surgery to try to cure her epilepsy(which didn't work), but we managed to find the fun in life again most days, in between the challenges of her seizures and other cognitive issues.

July17, 2016, she took a seizure at home which stopped her heart.  I gave her CPR until the paramedics arrived, but there was no response and she was suddenly gone.  All our struggle felt like it was for nothing.  My daughter was 12 at the time and only knew her mom as the version who had been sick, never knew her before the encephalitis.  

The first 3 months after Laurie died were a blur, an almost out-of-body experience with a lot of pain and crying.  After 6 months I could make it a day or two without tears.  The following year was a time of trying to figure out my life and who I am again.  My identity was not the same without my partner, who I was often a caregiver for , as well.  We had a great marriage, always found happiness in seeing each other happy, with loyalty and unconditional love. 

I've been on a few dates, started about a year after Laurie died.  Very strange for me.  My daughter had quite a bit of anxiety over my dating, and I've taken a step back from it, for now.  It's only the last few months that I feel I've found my new normal (again).  I can only now start to feel happiness in day-to-day life again.  There was a lot of emptiness and lack of purpose for a long time for me.  I find it helpful reading some of the posts here, I think there will be people with good advice and opinions.  Thanks for listening, Paul