introduce yourself here

[Lisa]

Welcome

 

 

If you posted already on the last forum, you can copy and paste here...

 

 

 

[Lisa]

My husband was in poor health but not sick if that makes sense. His death was very sudden right in front of me. At 5 years it hit me just how shocking the whole thing was. I too lost my identity when he died. I was a grown woman and only knew him 8 years. Yet his love had that much of an impact on my life. I was disabled from employment when he died. I still am. I live with his young adult stepson who has some special needs. Im now his guardian. We moved 5 weeks after he died and downsized and moved again a little over 2 years ago. My husband's organs were not suitable for transplant but we donated tissue. He gave sight to two people and his bone etc helped 36 additional people. He was not registered so I had to make the decision. This is why I encourage people to register so their loved ones don't have to make that decision in the worst moments of their lives. Also I know people who lost their loved ones waiting. The details are uncomfortable to think about it but I am very proud of our choice and his legacy. He was the love of my life. I miss him but I am mostly used to it now. The reason I am ok is because of the people online when the worst happened and those who are truly a part of my life now.

 

 

 

 

 

[Jen]

I'm Jen-- Just Jen now, but I was Jim's Jen, until he died suddenly and unexpectedly from a pulmonary embolism three days after his 40th birthday. I was at work-- he texted me at 3:30 to tell me he was going to get the kids from school. At 4:16 my older son called me to say, "He can't breathe and he's turning blue. What do I do?" I told him to call 911, hung up, and raced home. When I got there, the paramedics were already working on him-- he was fighting the oxygen. His heart rate started dropping, and they began coding him for real. They moved him to the ambulance; I think he was already gone by then, but they took him to the emergency room (literally across the street). He was pronounced at 5:26. My life ended along with his that day-- almost 11 months later, I look back and can scarcely believe I've made it this far. I'm still in hell, but finding sunlight peeking in here and there... I found some hope again, and a handful of reasons to live-- mainly thanks to this community.

 

[kmouse]

I went back to YWBB thinking I'd do a cut 'n paste of what brought me here/there...had to click out of there. So many memories.

 

It's been almost 6 years since I lost my husband Richard to a sudden heart attack. Long story short, my lifelong athlete husband with no personal or family history of heart disease called me home from a normal Monday at work because he wasn't feeling well and less than 30 minutes later I was a young widow of 37. It's still shocking that so much story can be distilled to two sentences.

 

I don't know how to encapsulate my history with the board, the friendships I've made, the second chance at love I found at YWBB in Lonepanda, the late night chat sessions that make me grateful that chat didn't have a history function  , the miles and miles and miles I've walked along a road I didn't know existed. I've read that grief is love turned inside out; I feel like I've explored fathoms deep pain and joy commensurate with the enormity of just how much I adored that sweet man. I'm grateful beyond words to be on the other side of all that pain and I know Richard would be so proud of how far I've come, but there will always be that part of me that lives and loves in a far away place with him.

 

A wise vet on YWBB said once that her husband lived in two places years out from loss. He lived in her mind and she could freely talk about him, laugh at the great times, help other wids along the way. And then there was the place he REALLY lived...in her heart. It was in that place where the intensity of love and loss still circulated deeply and vividly. That's where I find myself, looking at beginning my seventh year without him. There's the Richard I can talk about with others easily and the smiles come automatically. That's the me (and him) that people these days see, especially as a remarried widow. And then there's the real me (and him) standing behind that door in my heart. He's standing there and I can't talk as easily and the emotions lift and swirl and take me to other places. I'm so glad all of that still, and will always, live in me because I will always need to open the door and step inside to remember.

 

Kudos to the crew working to rebuild what has been a lifesaver. I found the board on day two, made my first post on day 13, and leave behind on the board about 2,200 posts of some seriously good, bad, and ugly. I don't need the board like I did, but I still need to know it's there.

 

Kmouse...still wordy after all these years

[Chopperette]

Hi, I'm Chopperette. My husband of 24 years, was a healthy 52 yo. He was a helicopter pilot (hence my screen name). He had hypertension but was medicated and had it under control. He had a week were he couldn't bring his BP down. But was feeling better, he even went flying Saturday at noon. That Saturday night he complained of a splitting headache we barely slept that night. I kept asking him if he wanted to go to the hospital but he kept refusing. Sunday morning (St Patrick's Day ha the luck of the Irish wasn't with me) he went downstairs and fed the dogs. When he came to our room he started to get dressed and I asked him where he was going. He didn't answer me. He went downstairs and yelled to me to take him to the hospital. I told him that I'll take him as soon as I got dressed. When I came down, he had the car running, the garage door opened and he was seated in the copilot's seat. I drove him to the nearest hospital and he complained that I was driving too fast, which I wasn't I think he was dizzy. I noticed that he wasn't wearing his seat belt and asked him to buckle up. He told me he couldn't see but he was able to do it anyway. When we were 2 blocks from the hospital his breathing got labored and he was rigid for a second. I just rubbed his arm and told him to hang in there, that we were really close to the hospital. When we got there I noticed both his hands were curled. I was told he answered some questions but his speech got slurred. Shortly he lost conscious and was put on a ventilator. The doctors said it was a ruptured brain aneurysm. He had two procedures but there was no brain activity at all. He finally passed away Thursday March 21st/2013, 4 days before my 48th birthday. I'm trying to do my best to survive and support my 25 yo son and 21 yo daughter. OH in case you were wondering my profile pic was taken during his burial. There were several helicopters flying over us (most of them were his students) and throwing rose petals. It was beautiful and touching.

 

Also an important fact... I'm from Guatemala, so English is not my first language, so sometimes I have difficulty expressing myself (so I always edit my posts)

[anniegirl]

Thank you Jess for your quick thinking and action (again - lol).

 

I am not an "old-timer" b/c I wasn't part of the founding set of the YWBB but I am from a time before the majority of you and my account has been dormant for a while. I peeked in from time to time but didn't want to intrude.

 

I did re-up, as I hope others will, but haven't any plans to add to the conversations (beyond maybe at some point sharing my story) b/c I think that sometimes, it's better (maybe best) for people to grieve and heal with other who are "in it", and for those of us who are many, many years past and on to new lives to just keep our opinions to ourselves. But that's jmo.

 

I can tell you that the founders didn't close the board lightly (though I think they should have been more upfront with the current active members than they were). They would have kept it up if they could have. But if I were you, I'd be angry too. A lot of history (and I spent a lot of time searching the old post at YWBB) will be lost that is valuable and helped me a lot.

 

So, this is probably my only post (again). But I wish you all well in your journeys. It is a journey, imo, though one that no one signs up for or enjoys. You will get through it. Everything will be different, but someday it will be okay again and it might even be better than okay.

 

Back when I lost my first husband in 2006, the only thing I wanted to know was "when?" will it be okay. Where is the end of this? There's happiness again, right?

 

It does. There is.

 

I can't put a finger on when that day arrived. Not even in retrospect. It sneaks up on you day by day. But it arrives for the vast majority of us. Most of the people I met at the YWBB, and still am in contact with, are settled and well today.

 

I am married now (to a fellow wid I met on the YWBB). Life is good.

 

Never let anyone tell you there is a right way to grieve or rebuild. There's your way and what's right for you is right. Don't compare yourself to others. Don't worry if your drumbeat is different. Don't ever doubt that you have something valuable to share or that what you share isn't the one thing that someone else really needed to hear today.

 

Good luck. As the venerable Ann E. always reminded us way back in the day "be gentle with yourselves", and remember, even when it doesn't feel like it, it is going to be okay again. Really. It will.

 

Annie

[Vettie]

Vettie here (AKA YIslander) My husband of 9 years got sick two years before he died but it was non life threatening. He got really sick over Christmas in 2011 and died January 9, 2012. He died of sepsis because he was on immunosupressants and his body could not fight the infection. Worst day of my life. Second worst day of my life was going home to tell the 7, 4 and 1 year old. The 18 year old was there when he died. It sucked. We have come a long way since then but it is still painful.

[Baylee627]

I'm Baylee, and my husband died almost a year ago from a brain tumor and anti-epileptic drug withdrawal seizures. He was 37 years old.

 

His brain tumor was incidentally discovered during a routine sinus CT three months after we had tied the knot. He only lived a year and a half after that.

 

Our time together was fleeting, but he will continue to occupy my heart.

 

Baylee

[rememberingjason]

I lost my husband to suicide right at 4 years this month.

 

Thanks to those who thought quickly to find a safe place for us to share.

 

 

[AnnaMarie]

Hello,

I, too, am from YWBB.  I wouldn't consider myself an 'old timer' as I wasn't one of the founding members and I didn't post as frequently as many but I have been around for about 10 years.  I was AnnaMarie on that board as well.

 

I have to echo Anniegirl on many things.  I am joining to support this board, maintain the ability to contact all those from YWBB that are still around and to provide support for any who are looking to speak with someone who is farther out on the journey.  I probably won't check the board super frequently and won't be doing a lot of posting (at least that I can foresee right now) but please feel free to contact me if you want to talk.

 

My story is that I was widowed unexpectedly 10 years ago.  My husband, who was 30 years old at the time, had a heart attack while we were backpacking on an island.

 

I am now remarried with two boys and life is pretty good.  Like many, back in the beginning I just wanted to know when I would be "better".  When would the grieving would be over?  In my experience, it is never truly gone but it gets so very much better.  I still cry occasionally, I still hurt, I still wonder the what if's.  At this point, I miss what we had and were more than him specifically.  Mostly, I laugh and smile at my memories.  I am blessed to have family and friends who let me remember and talk all these years later.

 

My two cents on grief...Grieve at your own time and your own pace.  Be honest with yourself, don't hide from it - I never knew anyone who benefited from pretending they were okay.  There is no right way or deadline to be "better".  One year isn't a magical number...neither is 10.  This is a process that is met daily (some days with more grace than others!).  I found that it was better to get to the point where I was okay just being me before I could be good for others.  This isn't the path all take but it worked for me.  Finally, give yourself some slack to not be perfect and extend that to the people who love you.  No one knows all the right things to say and do - if they are trying and reaching out, they probably love you and are doing the best they can.

 

Wishing peace, comfort and healing to all who have made their way to this place.  I hope this board is a place where all wids can go to talk to someone who "gets it".  The YWBB was truly a blessing for me and I am hoping that this community will be the same to others.

 

Peace,

Anna

 

 

[SimiRed]

Hello, I?m SimiRed from YWBB, I just kept the same name here.  I lost my husband of 19 years to cancer 5 ?  years ago after his six year battle.  It was a horrific way to die, I will never ever forget it.  But, more importantly, I will never ever forget the wonderful husband that I had for 19 wonderful years and the young man I met when he was 12 years old.  I loved him, I love him still, through the good times and the bad.

 

We have a handsome, brilliant and respectful fourteen year old son now. Who reminds me of his Daddy every day by the way he walks, talks and sometimes just by the way he does silly little things.

 

Josef has also been through a lot.  No child should watch their parent die, no three year old should have to watch their father suffer and be in pain for six years.  But, this wonderful son of mine is just like his Dad...he's strong willed, determined and never gives up.  So, with his head held high...he has maintained straight A's in school since his father passed away.  He has continued with his music, he loves playing the piano...he played it at his Dad's memorial service, and still makes me proud to hear his fingers move on the keyboard and create beautiful music. 

 

Rick has been gone for almost six years now. Wow. Six years. It feels like yesterday and an eternity all at the same time. I know I would not be in the place I am today if it were not for the people who listened to my story and sent me cyber hugs and reassured me along the way that I could make it on this journey.

 

My Rick, I love you, I miss you with all my heart.  There are days I still need you by my side.

 

[Sugarbell]

Hello...I am Donell..known as Sugarbell on ywbb. My husband Ben died 7 1/2 years ago at the age of 34 to suicide-This week he would be turning 42. My 3 children were baby/toddler/preschooler when he died and are now wonderful 7, 10 and 12 year olds. The 4 of us kinda learned this new life together...but we are closer than I could've ever imagined now. (2 boys and a girl)

 

I call Ben now my "spirit bud" because about 4 years out...we started communicating with each other-And the waves of questions and emotions that come with suicide were finally answered and we were both at peace.

 

Everyone's journey and experiences are unique to them. We all find our own way vas there isn't a right or wrong way to do this widowhood stuff.

 

Thanks again to the techno savvy members again!! This site looks amazing. I hope new folks find the peace and comfort here I did in my early days-That there are people out there that get what you are going through!!

 

Peace and Love-D

[RobFTC]

Hi folks, I'm Rob. My wife Michelle died from ovarian cancer on November 7, 2010. She'd started having symptoms on a trip to Texas for Christmas in 2008, and got a diagnosis in January 2009. She was probably stage 4 at diagnosis, but she did a chemo-surgery-chemo regime that her oncologist recommended, which complicates staging. Her big surgery was in April, and the initial round of chemo was great ... but it came back. She fought like hell to put herself in the best possible place, despite knowing her odds. Later chemo rounds were not as successful. Her symptoms came back in July 2010, and she spent the last two weeks of August in the hospital. She came home with a considerably mobility impairment and some serious care needs, including full IV nutrition. On October 19th, 2010, she went to start another round of chemo, but they said it did not make sense. After a day of staring-at-walls shock, she laid down her fight and started ministering to her friends and family. She was a Christian and had no doubts about where she was bound. She promised to meet me in Heaven with a pitcher of margaritas, and I am going to hold her to that!

 

She was the smartest woman I've ever dated, but always had a way of meeting people where they were. I still miss her voice, her feistiness, her irreverent sense of humor and her laugh, and how she fit so well in my arms.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[K_J]

Hi, I'm K_J.  I suppose you could call me "second generation vintage", or something like that, as it's been almost 10.5yrs for me since my late husband M. died and I registered on YWBB.  M. died of lymphoma - he was 29, I was 28.  It was a very aggressive form of lymphoma, but as he was otherwise young and very healthy, he was expected to make it through the chemo and get into remission.  It didn't happen.  We tried everything we felt we could, but he died less than a year after he was diagnosed.  We knew each other growing up and got married not long after college, so we thought we had plenty of time before having kids.  But, instead of having kids around 28 or so, I was widowed. 

 

I had my ups and downs - the first couple of years were extremely difficult.  My pain at losing the family M and I had hoped to have was excruciating second only to the loss of M himself.  I certainly made my mistakes, that's for sure.  But I knew I had to do my best to be honest with myself in my grief - even if it was horrific at times.  And I truly think that helped me to get through the worst of it. 

 

I met my now-husband, L., a little over a year after M. died.  It was sooner than I would have chosen, but it worked out.  Despite fertility issues, we have two kids now, ages 5 and 2.  Being a mom is very hard at times, but it's amazing, and I am so thankful to have my kids and a great husband.  I know M. is happy for me. 

 

We moved back to M's and my hometown a couple of years ago, so that's been weird at times.  And M would have been 40 this spring - it is beyond bizarre to think about, given that he'll always be 29. 

 

So - I'm here.  I don't know how much I'll post.  But - I'm here.  Best to all the other widows here.

[Trying]

I was MissingMyTim on YWBB.  Tim and I met in college and we were one week shy of 20 years married when he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, he had his first day of chemo on our 20th anniversary.  He suffered greatly for 4 months and was gone.  Our boys were 9,15 and 17. I miss having a partner to share in my life and to share in the joys and struggles of parenting. 

[JeanGenie]

I'm Jeanne and browsed YWBB but posted rarely. Met some good friends and found a lot of support from you all and so with a new board, I will try to make a renewed commitment to be more active/involved. That said...

 

Ed and I were together 31 years (I was 19, he was 29...a much older man!), married 29 years. Ed was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in December 2009. He started chemo immediately. We knew he was terminal and so we were committed to at least extending his life with chemo (surgery was not an option at that time). Ed continued chemo every 2 weeks over what ended up being 3+ years. During that time he continued to work full-time and our lives were fairly "normal" since he had minimal, if any, side effects from the chemo. Looking back, those 3 years were a gift. Ed would set milestones and one of his biggest goals was to see our only son graduate from college--which he survived to see in May 2012. Looking back, after surviving the first year after his diagnosis, we focused less on dying and more on living. And since he had minimal side effects or outward sides of "having cancer" it was easy to forget.

 

So when on March 26, 2013, he had severe abdominal pain and we had to call 911, we really weren't prepared for what came next. Ed ended up having emergency surgery (colostomy) and then we naively thought he'd be coming home after some rehab. That never happened. After more complications, he passed on April 22, 2013.

 

As much as I still miss him every day, I sometimes consider myself lucky that we had these 3 years since his diagnosis because it was the best years of our lives. And the last year, our son moved back home after graduation until he found full-time work. We had great quality family time and vacations together. And before Ed went into the hospital in March, our son did find a full-time job and we got him settled into his own apartment that February. At some level, I think my husband knew he could now rest since our son was well on his way.

 

And as awful as Ed's last month of life in the hospital was, I am grateful that I was with him every day during that month and that he died knowing he was the most important thing in my life. I was able to take a leave from work and I know he died knowing without a doubt that I loved him.

 

And for that I am grateful...

[Shawn823]

Hi, I?m Shawn. My husband Blaine and I were best friends for 29 years and married for the last 16 of those. We met when we were both in the same internal medicine residency program and he was the resident supervisor on the same team on which I was an intern. We had an instant connection?-he was an amazing physician with an enormous compassion for others, but the other side of him of was pure wiseass. He had a totally irreverent sense of humor, a boisterous laugh, and a joie de vivre that simply was not in my nature. I never met anyone who didn?t like him. In some ways, he was a study in contrasts, a total sports fanatic but also a bird watcher and lover (my avatar is a flock of starlings in a unique display in the sky), an exercise nut who loved macaroni and cheese, a whiz with stocks and bonds who could not fix a thing in the house?.the list goes on.

 

In November 2011, he finally admitted that he had been having abdominal pain, which he had been chalking up to low grade diverticulitis. Ultimately, he had a CT scan that showed a cystic lesion in the tail of his pancreas. Almost a year to the day he died on December 11, 2012, we found out that what we thought would be a surgically correctable lesion, was actually inoperable pancreatic cancer. We both knew instantly what that meant, but he soldiered through chemo and radiation with the hope that he could possibly extend his life. Through all of it, he fought to maintain the solo primary care practice that he worked so hard to build from nothing over the preceding 12 years. I knew the end was near, when he came home from work one day in September 2012 and said.?Babe, for the first time ever, I did not feel like being there today?. Then came the trauma and chaos of having to close his practice, ultimately the enrollment in hospice care and the tortuous process of dying.

 

Prior to my husband?s death, I thought I knew something of what people who suffer such losses go through as I have worked in the field of HIV medicine for many years including back in the time when so many patients died. I watched the searing pain of loss over and over again, but I have learned that there are some experiences in life that are just impossible to fully understand unless you really walk in those shoes. I have been fortunate to have a very supportive family and circle of real-life friends, but none of them has ever quite been able to replicate the kind of understanding that I found at the YWBB. I am so very grateful that this community has been given new life here and to all the widow(er)s who have been willing to share their journeys.

[Linda L]

I'm Linda, I lost my DH Hugh to suicide in January 2003.  My daughters were 5 and 2--they are now 17 and 14.  Although I visited the other board less frequently now than I once did, the thought of it not being here made me sad.  So I am thrilled this board is here (and that they got me activated here finally).

[lcoxwell]

I am so incredibly thankful right now, and crying tears of joy!  I made it!  Thank you so much Jess, for your help in getting me registered. 

 

Hello. My husband, Kenneth, died on March 10, 2014 from complications of diabetes, congestive heart failure, end stage renal failure, and a ton of other medical conditions, too many of which to list here. Thirteen years before he died, doctors were saying he likely would not live through another year, but he kept beating the odds and managed to hold on long enough to give me a good life and to raise our combined household of kids, six in all (though his oldest was actually grown and out on his own, before I came along, so really it was five kids that we raised).  The youngest one turned 18 two days before Kenneth died.

 

When I married him, I knew full well I would end up being widowed at a young age, but I did not care. I loved him enough to marry him anyway, wanting to have every possible minute I could with him. For thirteen years, I took care of him. I sat by his side through one hospitalization, after another, and I watched him suffer more than anyone should ever have to suffer. On March 3, 2014, he came home from the hospital for the last time. Two days later, we met with home hospice and made arrangements to end all life-saving treatment. A week later, he was gone.

 

Even after thirteen years of extreme caregiving, I would do it all again. At just a few days shy of the one year anniversary of his death, I still think of him each and every day, I still miss him so very much, and I still love him very deeply.

 

[Elizabeth29]

I'm so glad that this board will be continuing.  I want to echo the "thank you" that so many have already said.

 

I'm Elizabeth. I rarely posted on YWBB, but I checked in frequently and got so much from being able to read the shared experiences.  My husband died of sudden heart failure almost three years ago, just two days before our daughter's 1st birthday. He was 29, I was 30.  We were together 7 years (married just shy of 3).  Now, that kiddo will be turning 4 in just a few short months and I still miss him every day.  Like so many other wids, I've struggled to find my way to balance the new responsibility of raising a child without the other parent, figuring out my own grief, and holding it all together.  But, at almost three years out, I think I'm doing pretty ok.  I've relied on the advice, stories and wisdom of others to get me this far, and I'm so happy that this will continue.

 

I look forward to being able to continue to follow (and, who knows, maybe even post a little more) here.

 

 

Elizabeth

[Ann E]

Hi, I'm Ann E. I was "vintage" ywbb. I discovered the original board Oct-Nov 2002 when I hit a grief wall about four months after my husband Bob died at the age of 47. He had a laundry list of chronic conditions including Crohns disease, diabetes, morbid obesity, and hip joint necrosis from long term steroid use (to treat Crohns). We were together 15 years. We had our 13th wedding anniversary in the ICU where he spent his last month of life following abdominal surgery. June 10, 2002, was the day we ran out of miracles.

 

My life journey since then has taken me through graduate school, a career change, a serious relationship with a widower that did not last, and two major relocations before I landed in my current home in New Mexico. The ywbb was my lifeline in the early years but I have not been active for a long time. I recognize several names here from fb and bagos and our journeys together on ywbb.

 

Let's remember to be gentle with ourselves and each other.

 

::hugs:: and blessigs

 

Ann E.

[widowat33]

He was my first love, and that love will live on forever..

We had been together for 14 and 1/2 years, married almost 11 years. We have two boys, oldest is now 12 youngest will be 10 in a month.

Dh worked away, on a two week rotation. His last shift they asked him to work overtime, so he had been gone for three weeks. He was on his way home to us.. I knew something was wrong, he always called when he got to certain towns on his drive home and I hadn't heard from him in a couple hours.. I still have two messages saved on my answering machine from him that day, July 10 2014. I was waiting outside at 3 am when the police pulled into my driveway to give me the news. He had an accident, had left the road and rolled his truck down a ravine into the river below.

I found YWBB a few weeks after he passed away, and even just reading that others are struggling with similar issues has helped me so much.

I started college less than two months after he died, I'm now halfway through my second semester. I am starting to find myself, to learn who I am, because I didn't only lose him that day I also lost part of my own identity.

 

[Stargazer74]

I want to preserve my story, and this was my introduction and first post on YWBB, written about 5 weeks after I lost my wife.  Looking back at it I realize just how traumatized i was during this time.  I couldn't make sense of it all, and in many ways, I still can't, four months later.  But I can see that shock and agony is turning to acceptance a little bit more each day. I have edited it to correct a few grammar errors and a couple of sentences to add clarity.

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I married my wife on April 30, 2005. I had previously been married and that ended in divorce the previous year. Jamie and I had already known each other at work, our paths crossed occasionally because she worked the night shift and I worked the day shift. She had previously been married as well and had two young girls, but that didn't bother me in the least. We started dating and within 6 months we were married. It was the first time in my life I knew what "being in love" was really about. My first marriage had come from a sense of duty. My girlfriend had ended up pregnant in high school and I didn't want to have a child who grew up without two parents. I got along with her okay mostly, but we were never really "in love". Jamie was easy to talk to, fun, and we just clicked. I couldn't imagine my life without her, and she felt the same about me. We had a few growing pains here and there as we blended our two families together, but through it all, our love grew. About two years into our marriage, she started having some health issues. About 5 years in, she could no longer work and had to go on disability. She was on a long list of medications, and had repeated hospitalizations and symptoms that often just never made much sense. The neurologist she saw diagnosed her with MS, and she was treated for that for about 3 years until a different neurologist said that she didn't think she had MS because she had no lesions showing up on the scans, despite continuing to have almost all the symptoms of MS. She suffered a lot. The last couple of years though her neurological symptoms had improved a lot though, although other conditions plagued her continuously. Watching her go from a young vibrant young woman to being in constant pain and discomfort was very hard. Through it all though, I never thought of turning my back on her. It wasn't out of duty, it was the depth of our love that could never be shaken. Our love never failed. I was still very much in love with her despite all the daily health problems.

 

Around Thanksgiving, she started complaining that her lower back was hurting really bad and she thought she had a UTI or a kidney stone. We went to the Dr. and they started her on some antibiotics. A week later, the pain hadn't gotten better, and over the weekend she was having intense pains, so she went back to the doctor and then to the ER because the office could not schedule a CT for the same day to rule out a kidney stone. (She had had several kidney stones previously) The ER CT'd her and discovered that while she did have stones, her pain was being caused by a kidney infection. They gave her a script for more antibiotics and sent her home. I came home from work that night and gave her the antibiotics I had picked up for her and I went to bed. When I woke up the next morning, she was up, and we talked and she said that she had been up most of the night because of the pain and I just loved on her and we held each other for a while. She got up again, made a few phone calls and then laid down to take a nap. This was Dec 2, 2014. I got up and started bringing in some fire wood, started a fire, checked on Jamie, who was sleeping comfortably by then. I made something to eat and went back to a back room to watch a movie (Frozen, of all things). About an hour later I went in to check on her and when I walked up to the bed I stopped just to look at her. She looked like she was asleep on her side, but I realized I couldn't see her breathing. I went to her and rolled her over and I knew immediately that she was gone. That moment was the worst I've ever experienced. I will be stuck in that moment for a long, long time. I pulled her out of the bed and lay her on the floor and started CPR. I had my cell on me, so I lay it in the floor in front of me and dialed 911, put it on speaker and told the operator to get me help NOW. The only thing is, we live in a very rural part of the state, and it was 20 minutes before anyone else got there. I'm a respiratory therapist. I know how to do CPR, I do it often in my job. 20 minutes of continuous CPR is difficult, and I almost passed out. I cannot describe the emotions that I was feeling. I wouldn't give up though, the 911 operator asked me three times if I thought she was gone and if I wanted to stop but I kept telling her I'm not going to stop. I knew in my mind that she was gone, but I felt God was telling me to keep going. In the end, it was the right decision. The ambulance crew did get her heart beat back on the way to the hospital, and it gave me and our kids, and the rest of the family a chance to say goodbye. Her heart gave out the next morning, while surrounded by her entire family.

 

I do not know what caused her death. She was only 35 years old. Her health was poor at best, but nothing was ever life threatening. Being in the medical field, I have meticulously went over everything in her medical record and everything in my memory about that morning, and I have no clue to point to a cause of death.  Whatever happened, it was extremely quick, extremely fatal, and I believe it was painless.  I have come to the conclusion that she either had a blood clot that went to her brain stem, or her heart just went into a fatal arrhythmia, neither of which I could have done anything about even if I had been laying right next to her. I opted not to have an autopsy, I just could not have that done to my baby. I have a peace that at least she went in her sleep. She didn't look like she ever woke up, and I know she didn't struggle, and that does afford me some comfort. The death certificate wasn't any help, it just described her condition after she got to the hospital, with no cause of the initial event.

 

My life for the last 5 weeks has been very hard. I miss her so much. All of the plans we had, all of the dreams, gone in an instant. She was my world, and because of her health issues, we didn't get out much to hang out with friends much. Her family, who all live fairly close by, has stayed in contact with me and have been very supportive. Her two girls live with their dad, but they have been living with him for the last few years anyway. My son is 20 and out of my house, and my teen girl is living with her mom, so I'm by myself now. I've kept in touch with Jamie's two girls, and have taken them to a couple of my family get togethers and we have had time to get together to talk and try to help each other. They are young teens, and have been devastated by this as well.

 

My faith in God has been the one thing that I can say has been a tremendous help to me in this time. I have been a Christian since I was a teen, but like most people, my faith has not been very consistent or strong at times. Jamie was a woman of faith, and she taught me a lot about perseverance and relying on God, even during the worst times of our lives. I long for her to be here, but I know that she is there waiting on me. I hope that the time I have left on this earth brings her honor. I don't know where to go from here though. I have anxiety, the waves of grief come and take me, then I am pretty numb for a while. I hope that this gets better soon.

 

Thanks for letting me share.

[AndysWife]

Hi, I'm Wendy. My husband Andy was 42 when he suicided 3 1/2 years ago.

I was very out of control in the beginning and pretty much just read the YWBB site when I was awake between feeds of our then 5 wk old baby. Both the board and our baby son get the credit for my survival - I'm not kidding either - I was a mess to say the least.

 

The 5 kids are all doing amazingly well. Only the little guy still lives at home (the others are now adults and in their own homes now) which certainly lightens the workload but it's also been a massive adjustment ie: cooking wise etc.

 

I think around the end of the 2nd year, I started to regroup and felt less angry (I swore so much the words lost their oomph) and we started travelling as I just didn't feel settled anywhere. We even came to America for a month back in 2013 but mostly,we just travelled around Australia.

 

I now live at the beach and I feel MUCH calmer and I have started working recently also. I will be 43 in April and I still shake my head at how I got to be a widow this young but for the most part, my life is good again. My mother who was in prison at the time of Andy's death, was acquitted 2 years ago and released immediately after spending 2 1/2 years there but I haven't heard from her since she got out. This is also a blessing. I really felt that I was living out some bad soap opera at the time. (She is a true nightmare)

 

Anyway, I learned that it really does get easier with time - or I just got stronger and wiser. 

[whoaminow]

I'm pretty new to all of this.  I lost my husband in a car accident in December.  We'd been together for 20 years and we have 2 kids, ages 7 and 9.  I think the first couple of months I didn't even have the opportunity to grieve, as the list of things that must be taken care of is so long.  At the same time, I found out that we had to move out of our home and I was dealing with a flare up of a chronic condition I have.  Then shortly after that I find out that the business I work at will be closing down.  I have no education past high school and am now looking at getting a certificate/diploma in something so that I can get a decent paying job.  It's just all so scary....all at once....but I think I'm grieving now.  Oh this life is so lonely.