introduce yourself here

[Eddienhp]

I found ywbb in 2012. I never wrote a post yet I read daily. I was shocked to find ywbb cut off so abruptly without time allowed for transition. It is sad those who started such a wonderful place couldn't find a way to pass the torch. I, along with many of you,

felt abandoned. I applaud all those who reacted so quickly to set up a new venue. Thank you.

 

My husband R was diagnosed with stage IV Cancer in 2010. We had a 3 year old and 5 month old at the time. We were shocked. R had a very hard time facing his diagnosis. He withdrew. It's like he wanted to run from it. He literally started to live a separate life; going on trips alone and running up tons of bills. It was excruciating for me. I was devastated but had to carry on caring for two young children. My older child has special needs so I was very busy. I remember holding tears back as I put the kids to bed then crying for hours every night.

 

R finally came back to his senses but he remained in denial of his prognosis. The day the doctors told him he was out of treatment options, R asked why no one told him his disease was that serious. It was heartbreaking. I stayed with him in the hospital and later hospice 24/7. He was afraid to be alone. As he began to lose his senses, I made sure to constantly tell him I was there. I only left his side to use the restroom. The rest of the time I spent holding his hand. He spoke to Jesus and angels. It brought relief to know he felt at peace when he passed. I would need that comfort to keep me strong in the coming years.

 

I had many challenges to face. There were significant financial issues that needed to be resolved. The children were 5 and 2 when he died. I would learn how to become a single parent while juggling a career, maintaining a household and becoming a fierce advocate for my son. I have survived a lot. We could have easily been bankrupted. It's been 3-1/2 years and I am finally nearing the end of the financial negotiations. It looks like we will make it. We have survived.

 

My grief can be complicated. I am mad R didn't plan for his kids. He advised others to do so yet he neglected his own family. Other times I wonder if I have really grieved at all considering how much I have had to handle since R died. Then there is the true love I had for him. He came into my life and encouraged me to grow in ways I would have never imagined. He was my love, my friend, my confidant, and business partner. We were immersed in so many ways. My life is truly better because he was in it. For that, I will forever miss him. Not a day goes by without me thinking of him.

 

He was a talented and creative man. He left many pieces of art he created. I cherish each one of them. One day the children will inherit these wonderful gifts he left behind.

 

I look forward to being part of this community.

 

 

[Leighsa2015]

My husband was on a business trip and the day he was supposed to come home he had a heart attack in his hotel room. I had spoken to him in the morning and expected to hear from him when he arrived at the airport. By 4:00 pm I knew something wasn't right and I started to try to track him down. The hotel staff went to check the room around 1:00pm since he hadn't checked out. It wasn't until around 8pm I finally got someone at the hotel to tell me. I was a bit irritated to learn they called the car rental company around 3 pm to get the rental car, but they didn't bother to call me. The coroners office in my county arrived about 10 pm to inform me, better late then never I guess.

 

The first year was a blur. Year 2 came too fast and I wished I was still in year one, but each year has been easier. I've learned time flies even when you are not having fun. I am doing well and while I'm still a little uncomfortable in the singles scene, I have slowly begun to enter the dating world and am excited to see how my life plays out.

[DrMommy]

My name is Tracey (DrMommy from the previous boards). My husband was diagnosed (after a year and a half of mis-diagnoses) with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma at the age of 35. He survived the gnarly treatment and went into remission. We struggled with fertility for years. All I ever wanted was a boy and girl born in August as I, my mom, my brother and other close family members were born in August and I wanted 2 little cubs to join our pride. Fertility docs wouldn't even do invitro on us because of the damage caused by the intensive chemo treatment. Fast forward....after a lot of prayer and surrender (oh...and I am a scientist so that didn't hurt) I conceived naturally and have 2 little Leo cubs born on August 1 and August 18th.

 

My husband fell suddenly ill in May of 2013 and went fully septic in a matter or 3 days. He had developed a rare and nearly always fatal blood disorder eventually diagnosed as HLH (thought to have been dormant and triggered by previous chemo treatment). He fought like hell to live, but my 2 young children and I found him dead in our home on a Saturday morning. We have been devastated and traumatized. I am still picking up the pieces.

 

And to add to that...my mom (who was my closest friend) died only a matter of weeks before my husband. We were not told she was fighting terminal uterine/liver cancer. I had 10 days to find out, put her in hospice, and say good bye. Her mother (with whom I was intensely close) died 12 weeks before her.

 

2013 was an absolute shit storm. I have since sold my house, bought a new one, have become sole provider and parent and and trying to re-engage in life. I know I am not done living and loving.

[Gabzmom]

Hi, I'm Angie. 

 

My husband Rob and I were somehow meant to be together.  He by far was the funniest man I ever knew - he had a brilliant, dry, quick wit that kept me in stitches.  He was a kind and nurturing soul - he was kind and gentle with the young and the elderly.  I loved watching him around my grandma and his grandparents. 

 

We got married twice, thanks to Deserts Shield & Storm.  He was in the Air Force and left after 10 years and went into the AF Reserves.  He got his degree and ended up finishing a career handling insurance fraud.  Rob was a runner in high school and for a year in college.  He didn't run much during our marriage but his family said it was beautiful to watch him run (he ran the mile and mile medley) - his fastest time in HS was 4.19 and in college it was 4.11 (I remember that because it's my height).

 

Rob was my best friend, the perfect complement to me.  He was laid back and easy going and I am hyper and always on overdrive.  He was pretty healthy on the outside but had some issues with high blood pressure.  He was thin and seemed to be in perfect health.  However, he left us far too soon due to a cerebral aneurism.  We are now almost 33 months out.

 

My daughter was 13 at the time of his passing.  I think she was my lifeline - my reason for living.  People perceived me to be strong and yet, as I look back, I think I fell into this deep abyss.  I was on auto pilot - my memory was shot, my brain was shot.  I could only focus on making sure my daughter would be okay.  I miss him every day. 

 

I know this is getting long but I thought I would post my first posts on YWBB.  I joined in August of 2012.  I couldn't read the threads - it was too painful for me and Lord knows, I was pushing my pain aside just to survive.  I think it took me damn near two years to allow myself to be sad.  I had my crying moments in the shower, in the car, in private.  But I kept those moments very brief.  I started and stopped, and started and stopped a private blog to write my thoughts out - it was a bit cathartic at times and at others, so very painful that I had to leave it.  (and as for the slacks mentioned below, they are still hanging in my closet)

 

Anyway - here are my posts:

 

YWBB on 9-2-12

I am so sorry for everyone's loss. I signed onto the board on 08/02. I could only post a few words at the time.

 

I have been pretty much in a fog. As the fog lifts, there is still so much to do. I am getting the medical bills now and I put them away.

 

Rob died from an aneurism. I found him downstairs and called 911. A neighbor came over to help me. He was still alive but having a hard time breathing. They did surgery - I had a little hope that he would come through, but with major medical problems. He had been responding. Then later that evening/morning, they called me at my brother's home (he lives 2 miles from the hospital). His fluid was building up againg and they put in the shunt. By this time - severe brain damage. We got back to the hospital within a half hour - 3:30 a.m. We said our good-byes less than 12 hours later.

 

My best friend and love of 21 years was gone at 53. I feel lost without him. We have a 13 yo and will be going to a program called bridges.

 

This is so hard. And I feel so sad for all that have to go through this horrible time. I hope we can get through this - I call it "our new normal."

 

YWBB on 9-2-12

I gave away Rob's suits to my nephew. I asked my DD to pick things she wanted. We are keeping his shirts as a friend is going to make a quilt. I am taking his shoes and slacks to a place for people that need work clothes/interview clothes and can't pay for them. I gave ties to his best friend, brothers, and my daughter. I still have several.

 

I can't get to the socks, t-shirts and underwear. I have the craziest moments at the littlest things. When I returned his work cell phone. When i had to cancel the Long Term Care policy. When I changed the insurance on the car. I cry and feel like I am erasing him one piece at a time.

 

[Yell120910]

Hi everyone, thank God I found this forum to release my emotions and thoughts? (this was posted 19th of November 2014)

 

My husband passed away last 24th of August 2014 at the age of 30. It was a sudden death. I found him in the toilet at 2:30 in the morning lying and without vital signs. We rushed him in the hospital but declared dead on arrival after an hour of revival.

 

I have two wonderful boys, ages 2 years old and 1 year old. My kids miss their father so much. I know because as a mother, although they do not know how to express their emotions yet, I can feel it. I can feel the longing of my children for their father. That is why I need to wake up and put a smile on my face each day for my 2 boys. I do not want them to feel that they are losing me as well?

 

I want my kids to be happy, but how can I give them the happiness they need if I am so broken inside?

Greg was very loving to our children. He loved to shower them with his kisses and hugs; unfortunately, they will not remember those things anymore ? they will, someday, forget how their father loved them.

 

I want to be surrounded with people. However, after the funeral, our friends and some family members are now silent? The people who said they will help me and be with me in this journey are busy already with their own challenges in this cosmic life? All I have are my 2 boys and my beautiful parents who frequently visit us at home?

 

Greg was my soul mate. I still wish he never died. I miss him every single day. For more than 11 years, he was with me.

 

I love him so much.

This journey is very painful.

 

_________________________

Greg 01.27.1984 - 08.24.2014

We had our worst and BEST of times, I'm happy we didn't give up.

 

Our love was perfect. When my mission on earth is done, see you in heaven!

[HvnBound]

Hi all! I am hoping that my one-year-behind-wid-sis joins us here, she was Max2507 (I think)...I am HvnBound, live in Illinois but say St Louis area, can see the St Louis arch from my deck and kitchen window. I am getting my house ready to be placed on the market. No real help in that arena but am working on it on my own. I have been to quite a few bagos and minibagos and those helped me so much.

 

 

I was widowed on May 4, 2012, DH was a diabetic with a myriad of other health problems and he died of heart failure/stroke. We thought he would live, we were wrong.

 

I am currently trying to get my place on the market and sold. I am trying to move forward with my life and have new interests and new goals, number one is to move out of this area asap. I am so thankful for this site!!!

 

 

[sdarrah1130]

My Name is Sandy and I lost my husband Eric on 02/26/2015, 12 days ago.  Eric and I started dating in 1992 when he was 18 and I 21, we dated for almost 3 years.  We broke up for 5 years and reunited in 2001 we were married in November of 2002.  E was diagnosed with high BP and End Stage Renal Disease at 27. He receive a kidney transplant from his mother in 2003.

 

He had been ill (the flu) dehydrated for about 2 weeks, he went to his regular kidney appointment and they admitted him for dehydration.  He spent 3 days in the hospital getting fluids and attempting to eat.  He came home with still no appetite but knew he needed to eat.  He went back to work 2 days after the hospital as he is stubborn and if he "goes to work, I will feel better" "I just need to get back to work".  Saturday morning he woke up, checked his BP and his heart rate was a bit elevated, Took a shower, complained of nasal drip making his stomach upset, he kissed me goodbye (3 quick kisses), told me he loved me and left for work. 

 

I received a call from my MIL stating that his job called his dad and said he had a Heart attack.  I immediately call his job and they confirmed.  Panicing I called my brother and he drove me to the hospital in a blinding snowstorm as fast as he could.  When we got to the hospital the doctors said he had had a cardiac arrest that caused a heart attack.  They weren't sure if how long he was down so they put him into a medically induced coma for 24 hours.  We do not believe he was conscious at any time.

 

After the 24 hours was up, they warmed him but they discovered he had a bacterial blood infection that his body was fighting and  due to the hit to all organs the kidney was not filtering the sedation from his body.  They started a slow dialysis to help remove the sedation, toxins and infection from his body.  After 24 hours of dialysis he was beginning to open his eyes and the neurologist was getting some response.  We were cautiously optimistic. 

 

I went home that night anticipating more responses the next day.  I received a call from the hospital at 4:50 AM that my husband was not doing well and I needed to get to the hospital.  I called my MIL and we both were on our way.  When we arrived at the hospital they said his lung had collapsed and his heart stopped again.  He was having trouble with the vent and I knew this was it. 

 

Discussions with the doctors were not even close to hopeful.  Our biggest wish for my husband is that he was not baptised as a child however raised in a catholic household.  He always wanted to go through the classes and be baptized, anointed and confirmed.  We expressed out wishes to the nurses and hospital staff.  The hospital E was taken to is a faith based hospital and they were able to provide my husband, MIL and myself with our wish to have him baptized .  I believe that once he was baptized, anointed and confirmed he was at peace. 

 

We called his family (4 siblings), my family and our closest friends to come to the hospital.  I had to make the hardest decision and sign the most horrible paper in the world.  My husband was removed from all life support and passed away surrounded by his family and closest friends at 6:30 PM on February 26, 2015. 

 

The past 2 1/2 weeks have been filled with "things to do"  To/From the hospital, Funeral planning, calls being made/making calls, people texting, calling and stopping over.  The last few days I have finally been by myself at my house.  I am still in shock and denial.  I keep thinking E is at work (he worked a lot) or out of town.  I really haven't cried and i am frustrated at this.  I want to cry, sob, scream and throw things. I feel too rational and I am frustrated. 

 

I have started to work half days to get back to our "routine" hoping this will trigger the real feelings inside and help me start to really feel my loss.  I know everyone grieves differently and it takes time but it is frustrating.

 

Thank you for listening,

Sincerely,

Sandy - E's wife

[LostMyCharles]

I'm Jessica. My husband passed on Monday, December 8, 2014 at the age of 48. We had spent a wonderful weekend buying and decorating a Christmas tree and putting lights up outside the house. Sunday night we put our 5 year old daughter to sleep and went to bed. He often got up in the middle of the night due to insomnia; he would go to our guest room and quietly watch tv until he became tired again and would return to bed. Monday morning the alarm went off and he wasn't in bed. This had only happened a couple times but it didn't alarm me. I went to the guest room and found him in the bed; he had been propped up watching the tv but slumped over. I tried to wake him and realized something was terribly wrong. Called 911 and performed chest compressions until the EMTs arrived 5 minutes later. They worked on him for about 20 minutes but could not bring him back. He had suffered a sudden, massive cardiac event (no history whatsoever). I know it must have been extremely sudden because the blankets he had on up to his waist were not disturbed so I know he didn't thrash in pain. It's like, it hit and he went down.

 

We had been together 20 years, married for 17 (our 18th anniversary is at the end of this month). I'm 40 and find myself a single mother to a 5 year old daughter and we're both grieving very hard.

 

Thank you for providing this forum. I tried to register for YWBB, but, well...... you know.

[Guest Munsen]

Hello all. I'm glad so many familiar names have made it here. I'm also glad for the introductions as I feel I've forgotten so many in the early months of grief and fog. I extend a warm welcome to the newer widows. I'm so sorry you have to be part of this group but I'm also so grateful that you found this place!

 

Sorry to take so long to post here but after losing my first two posts to this thread, I discovered that I needed to check off the little "do not log out" box when logging in....yep, that's how long it takes me to compose a brief history.  lol 

 

But, I will try to keep this one short and sweet.

 

Hubby & I met in 1980 when driving around and cutting laps with friends.  I saw this cute guy in a nice car and mentioned it to my girlfriends and they concocted a plan for all of us to blow kisses at him on the next pass.

 

However, my girlfriends ducked down at the last second so only I ended up blowing him a kiss...which freaked him out but also piqued his interest. Half an hour later both of us were stopped at the local burger joint and he invited us to ride around in his car. Well, that was that. We couldn't stop watching each other in the rear view mirror and once everyone else was dropped off at their respective homes, we drove around alone for a bit of talking. When he dropped me off at my front door, he asked for a kiss and I told him he was rather forward for just meeting me. So he said it was for his birthday. I made him pull out his driver's license so I could check the date (it was) so he got his kiss. He thought it was funny I didn't believe his 'line'. I told him his line only worked because I thought he was cute.

 

After that we were inseparable and were married four years later on his birthday. I often teased him that not only had I met him driving around, most of our dating was driving around as were most of our vacations plus he ended up driving for a living!  Can you tell he loved driving? lol

 

We had three children and were happily married 26 years when he was killed just before Christmas 2010 in a vehicle accident. Having the police come to the door with the news was very traumatic.My only consolation was that he was killed instantly.

 

I've had a lot of losses in my life (parent, 3 siblings, close friends) but his is the loss that crushed me and broke me completely. I am grateful for my faith as I feel that is the bedrock that helped me rebuild after his death. Its ironic that I'm called to survive what I always thought would be un-survivable. My hope that I will see him again is what sustains me. (though I'm saddened it won't be what we had in this world, I trust/hope it will be somehow better).

 

I'm also grateful for the friends I've made here and the support I found in those early terrible days. It was of immense comfort to be understood and not judged for my feelings and thoughts on grief. Most importantly, it was helpful to find others that said, 'Me too!". As CS Lewis puts it so well: "Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

 

Being the only youngish widow in my circle of family and friends it was tough for it came with lots of judgment and public curiosity but YWBB was my saving grace. And I will always be grateful for that.

[klim]

I"m Sandy (klim) , I lost my husband Mike to a sudden unexpected catastrophic heart attack in April 2013. He was 50 yr old and the healthy living type of guy. Ate right  and was always working out. On the day he died his last words to me were" I'm going to go downstairs to do a ride and then finish off my fruit"

His heart attack happened while he was  doing his daily exercise ride. The coroner said he was dead before he hit the floor. I tried cpr while my then 15 yr old son dialed 911...............

 

.

He loved us dearly , his sons were everything to him. He was my rock, my motivator, my love. I mourn hardest not for myself but for my children's loss. I know I can handle myself.But I can't be everything to my two sons now 17 and 19)] that he could have been. I try hard. It was and is my number one concern...that my children know they will be fine. Part of what I do is lead by example and show them that I am fine. Life goes on......[/img]

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi, everyone.  I thought the closing of ywbb might signal a time for me to untether but I'm just not ready yet.  I still need you!!!

 

It has been more than two years of tough choices regarding my career and daughter but there is also hope now, of which there was, at the time I stumbled upon ywbb, none.

 

For anyone new, I echo what others have said.  Ywbb saved me.  Even if you never once post, just reading others' stories can work miracles against the feelings of isolation and doubt being widowed necessarily bring out.

 

My husband fought a brave, highly public and ultimately losing battle against an enemy that cannot be beat: glioblastoma. When it was all said and done, to say I was traumatized is putting it mildly.  If you are a GBM widow or widower, please feel free to reach out.

 

To the creators/moderators, thank you!!

[Guest nonesuch]

My husband and I were married for almost 25 years.

 

Unfortunately, he was an alcoholic, and this was causing problems in our marriage. He had been fired from three jobs the last six years of his life. His response to that was to drink more. I had decided I could not longer stay married to him. The same day I made that decision, before I could tell him, he told me he had lung cancer.

 

He had been to the doctor, and had some x-rays and tests, but had not shared with me what they were for or what had been found.

 

The next five weeks I took him for a biopsy, we visited the cancer treatment center, took him for surgery to insert the porta-cath. He had one chemo treatment, and the next week pneumonia canceled the treatment. The week after than an artery near his lung ruptured and he died suddenly at home.

 

When I was young, I figured that divorcing people must not love one another any more. One certainly hears that attitude from divorced people, a lot. I was angry and frustrated with my husband, but am surprised sometimes at how much I miss him. When one is angry and frustrated, it is easy to forget that what your life is now isn't always the way it was.

 

[momtokam]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you Jess and Justin for working so hard to make a welcoming home for all of us.

 

My name is Gina and my husband was killed in an accident at work in Sept 2012, just 8 days after our 20th wedding anniversary.

 

It's just about 2 1/2 years and at times it's still a blur. There are good days and bad days but I persevere it seems and keep going.

 

Odd thing is that there are still moments where I think he is still here and I need to tell him something or think he will help me with something and then seconds later it's reality check time.

 

I have 3 amazing kids, even though they drive me nuts sometimes.

I am sad that they don't have their dad in their lives anymore, they deserve to have him here.

[patriciad]

I am Pat.  I was married to Billy for 25 1/2 years but he was my best friend for 31.  In the summer of 08 he started losing weight, was anemic and exhausted.  Doctor did a workup, couple of tests but nothing was conclusive.  In the fall he fainted at a fundraiser.  He had never fainted a day in his life.  I knew something was really, really wrong.  Despite going to doctors, we still didn't have a diagnosis.  In December he had a nagging cough.  The doctor sent him home with antibiotics.  Two weeks later he still had "the cough".  I told him to not come home from the doctor without a chest X-ray.  I was praying he only had pneumonia.  His dr called and said there was a spot on the X-ray.  Two days later the CT scan showed lung cancer and after a PET scan he was diagnosed with Stage IV. 

He fought quite the battle.  He kept going for chemo and radiation and cyberknife for his brain metastasis.  He lived for 137 days after that diagnosis was made. His doctor said he was doing well, the tumors were shrinking. But his lungs filled with fluid and he was hospitalized for a week. Chemo had ravaged his body. I brought him home and 4 days later he died in my arms surrounded by his family. 

It will be 6 years in April and some days it feels like a year ago and other days it feels like a lifetime ago.  I miss him dearly and think of him so many times every day.  I have remarried and have a house full of grown single kids(his and mine).  It is not the life I had imagined, or dreamed of-but it is a good life.  And that is something that I never ,ever thought I would have again.

 

Thank you for bringing this board together.  It was my lifeboat in the early days and even though I don't post often, I read everyday.  I wasn't ready to let you all go and so happy I didn't have to.

 

Pat

[klc]

Well, here I am. More details later.

[Captains wife]

My name is Juli. I lost my husband suddenly in a boating accident exactly 2 weeks before our 3rd wedding anniversary, back in 2012. He had made a career change and was working for a recreational boat towing company when he was called out to help a local boater in distress. Unfortunately, the job took hours and the weather deteriorated - and his boat went down around 1AM. I had talked to him on the phone at 11PM as I had called him, worried about the deteriorating weather - he seemed ok, the boat was handling fine and he said he was tired and hungry so I went downstairs and put his dinner out for him. I received a phone call from the Coast Guard at 3AM, informing me that he put in a MayDay call and he was missing. I don't even like to think about what he went through in those last minutes of his life. The Coast Guard and a lot of local boating volunteers were searching for him for hours and the boat (and his body) were finally located in the late morning the next day. I heard the entire search and rescue on the VHF radio my husband had in his office. I also went to "pick up" my husband's body that morning and I remember how numb I felt.

 

We had just bought a large house in a small town and had a 9 month old son, with plans to have another child. I had to inform his family, his friends what happened and it was the worst calls I ever had to make.

 

Our marriage had its difficulties but he and I were best friends and he was a great father to our son. He was such a supportive father. We miss him very much and even almost 3 years out I feel I might have post traumatic stress disorder from everything that transpired.

 

However, saying all of that, the death of my husband taught me a lot and I am striving to be happy, move on with my life and create a wonderful life for my son. I feel lucky in some ways that he was in my life for a period of time and we continue to look forward as best we can.

 

Finding the YWBB helped me so much and I am thankful for it and helped my healing process immensely.

 

[Catnip]

I’m Carol. My husband, Dave, died suddenly from pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in both lungs). We put the Christmas tree up the week before Christmas and he died the next day. I called 911 at 7:40am and he died at 10:00am that Sunday morning. The wake was Wednesday, the funeral was Thursday and Monday was Christmas, 2006. We were married 26 years and we have 3 sons who were 17, 20 and 22 at the time. We were both 51 years old.

 

My 3 sons are now all college graduates, all with full time jobs, and two still live at home. We come and go and pass each other in our travels. I work full time too, at a college where they all received free tuition, where I got my degree, and where I met my husband (we had classes together). My middle son has Cerebral Palsy so he will probably always live with me. We have one black cat, Calvin (aka the Calvinator).

 

[cmf]

Hi all,

I wrote this in 2010 on ywbb, and thought it might be easier on me to cut and paste rather than rewrite my history, which means all dates refer to 2010.

 

***********************************************************

This is so hard to write. On May 24 Val and I were eating dinner together as always when he coughed a little harder than usual. He spit something out and had the most awful look on his face. ?Was that blood?? I asked him, knowing the answer and not wanting to hear it. He went to the doctor the next day. The doc thought it might be bronchitis, but wanted to do a CT to make sure. A week later we were in the oncologist?s office and he told us to pray that it was lymphoma. Who says that? He put Val in the hospital for five nights to monitor since the tumor was pressing on his superior vena cava and cutting off the blood return from his upper body. 10 radiation treatments, 3 stents in his vena cava, and 3 chemo cycles later the treatment was working and the cancer was shrinking everywhere, and it was everywhere except his brain. 10 days after we got the good news that it was working he died. One of his tumors dislodged in his lung and took his artery with it. He bled to death on our kitchen floor on Sunday morning, August 22. 11 weeks and five days after we learned he had cancer. After that everything is a fog. I am 14 weeks and 5 days into this process. I am lost, wandering around in the wilderness expecting to find him. I can?t imagine how Christmas will be. Thanksgiving was awful. I ran a Turkey Trot with a friend and her family. They did nothing but complain for the entire run, before they decided to quit a half-mile from the finish. All I wanted to do was yell at them that the only reason I was there was because Val was dead and could they please just be quiet. I didn?t, and I hate feeling so hostile towards people. Anyway, it is nice to know that I am not alone in this, though I wish none of us were here and hadn?t needed to find each other.

 

**********************************************

 

Back to 2015 I echo what I said then it is nice to know that I am not alone in this, though I wish none of us were here and hadn't needed to find each other.

[Sandi1970]

Wow! It was a little scary going back to the #1 post.

 

I'm bringing the whole thread, since I only had 1 reply. It brought me back to my old screen name. I was so freaked about his family being pissed that I had life support removed, I was afraid they'd find me here. I was so sick then too. That year sucked. About a couple months in, and lots of hours with my wonderful chat wids, I became myself

 

Thanks for welcoming me Maureen (Wheelerswife) I am so glad we even got to meet last year. You were my very first contact in the widda world, I'm glad I went back and looked. I remember you'd pop in and out of chat, always pm'ed me to see how things were going. Thanks from the bottom of my heart!

 

I've met so many countless, sweet wids friends now, probably for the rest of our lives! Hugs to all!

 

Sad thing I realized, my old tag line is no longer correct. I haven't spent over half of my life with him anymore. Weird.

 

Sandi/Deb in the beginning

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new to this forum, a forum 2 weeks ago I would have never went in search of and now I am so glad I found it.

Life is just strange now. I have so many questions yet I mostly don't want to hear the answers. I have spent the last week very sick with bronchitis then pnuemonia, it is like my body is demanding attention and rest. I don't really blame it.

My husband had a small surgery and all was great. Then when I thought we'd get to see him my life changed completely. The words didn't make any sense & I still have alot of unanswered questions. It was something to do with his heart, I had two choices to make for his survival and they needed my answer then. Life stood still for the wait to see if this would make him better, was I doing the right thing?! Each doctor came through and I asked a million questions, everyone was optimistic but nothing connected. Then a new specialist walked in and all I heard was 1%. His chances were 1%. 1% I hate that. After I had all the facts I asked for life support to be removed as it wasn't assisting to get him better, it was only keeping him living. He'd never be who he was again, only a shell of my wonderful handsome husband. He had severe brain stem damage, my baby didn't know me or even himself anymore!

I had an uphill battle with his family who felt I was killing him because maybe he'd get better. There was nothing that waivered in my choice because he clearly told me his wishes. He also said he didn't want his mom & me sitting around crying over him. Thank god he told me so much, it helped me to be strong.

Now I am a mess. Everyone is different & say bizarre things. His brother wants everything. When or will this get better?

_________________________

Over half my life spent with my wonderful husband that made me feel so appreciated and loved each day. He always said when it's his time it's his time but why at 39?!

 

#1005298 - 04/02/11 12:01 PM  Re: 12 days & it so overwhelming

[Re: Sandi1970]

Wheelerswife 

Member

 

Registered: 10/20/09

Posts: 2523

Loc: High Plains of Kansas

Hi, Deb.

 

I am so sorry you had to find us here. At the same time, I am glad you found us so soon. Welcome to the club, as we say, that nobody wants to join. That said...this is the greatest bunch of people you could want to meet. Right now it is all so raw and fresh and not much will make you feel better at this point. Right now...you just need to keep breathing. Seriously...I think we all had to be reminded to breath in the first weeks. Drink water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, take any help anyone wants to offer. This time is all about you. You are grieving and your grief is your own. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. Do NOT let anyone make you go through his things or throw things away. Everything that was his is now YOURS and in time...whether it be weeks or months or years, you can decide what should be done about his things. Come here often. Read, post, scream, vent, cry. We understand. I am so sorry.....

 

Maureen

_________________________

Wherever you go, I shall go.....

My beloved Barry...11/29/55-9/22/09

You gave it everything you had.

 

My polarbear....such a brilliant and beautiful man.

1/16/57-1/11/14

You had so much more to give, to learn, to teach.

 

 

[ChrisMyLove]

Hi I am Alexandra, but mostly known as ChrisMyLove on ywbb. I finally made it here. I lost my Chris on 12/31/2012 and although I am doing "better" I miss him daily.

Here is my original intruduction,  I have not reread it since I wrote it and even now I am only copying and pasting. Here goes.....

 

 

On 12/31/2012 I lost the Love of my Life to a horrible event. Chris and I met on 3/28/2005 and it was Love at first sight. I was a bit worried at first considering at the time I was 31 and he was only 24. But I could not escape his charm and his devotion to make me feel secure and loved and to eventually wipe all my doubts about our age difference away. He "grew up" to be this wonderful, amazing, loving, kind, always happy, helpful, sweet kind of guy a woman can only dream of.

He would hold open all doors for me to the point of even telling me not to touch the door handle in the car, walk around to the driver side and open it for me. I work nights, so once he heard me wake up in the early afternoon and head for the bathroom he would start my coffee for me.There are so many little and big things this wonderful man did for me but most importantly: HE LOVED ME!!!. He would tell me and show me daily and in all the time we where together never "slacked", if anything he got more attentive.

Every hour spent with him was a happy one. We had our ups and downs of course, but no matter how bad things got in life we knew we could depend on each other.

Chris loved making new friends and hanging out with them, playing games, BBQing, watching Football.....

On Sunday night/Monday morning at about 2 30 am he came home from watching football with his friends.He wasn't supposed to have gone out but some game times had gotten changed and he begged me: Baby, its the last football Sunday. Come on.....

So of course I said yes.We talked and texted throughout the night and he kept telling me he would stay out a bit later, and a bit later.....Well, at 2 30 am when he came home he was rather drunk and late so of course I was upset with him.

We had a slight argument and he kept apologizing and asking me to pick a movie( we are night owls and watch movies every weekend once he gets home until the sun comes up or we fall asleep). We did our usual routine, he took his jersey off, hung it up, shoes in the corner, I got something to drink, he went to the bathroom....... We have a small house so no matter where we are the conversation continued. I went to the room I had been all day to shut of the heater and turn of the lights and computer when I heard this aweful noise come from our bedroom....

My first thought was : Well crap, now his drunk ass broke the big screen.I ran into the room and saw him laying on the floor and thought shoot, he passed out hit his head now I got to keep him awake cause he might have a concussion. This is all happening in seconds, I reach down to touch him and shake him awake when out of no where a pool of blood appeared under his head and started spreading.. I screamed : Oh my God Baby, What did u do???? Ran, called 911 .............

He was pronounced dead at the scene and my World ended.

I don't know what happened, I don't know how it happened.

I have a million questions and regrets. I wish I never left the room and just stayed with him in the bedroom,I wish I had never gotten mad at him for coming home late, I wish I had said I love you , I wish I had never let him leave to watch football in the first place, I wish I could turn back time............

 

I miss Chris every second of every day.He is the Love of my Life. He made me the happiest woman on earth for almost 8 years. We had so many plans for the future. I feel cheated out the - spending the rest of our lives together. I feel alone with no one to talk to. Chris was my person, no matter what I needed to talk about he would listen.We would talk, phone, txt, every few hours. I am so angry at myself for not realizing how drunk he was. I am mad at myself for not just being happy he was home.

I have lost all will to live. I used to be afraid of death now I wish someone would just run me over with there car. All I do is cry, yell, scream, beg him to come back. I wish I could just stay in bed all day with his picture and never speak to another person again. But the bills have to be paid.

I cannot sleep, when i do I have nightmares, food is hard to keep down and the pain in my chest when i think of Chris is unbelievable.

I feel like I must be a horrible person to deserve my happiness just snatched away and replaced with this horrific pain and suffering. There are times I just don't see the point anymore and I ask myself why I am sticking around.Why not just end it all? If it is true that your loved ones are waiting on the other side why should I have to wait 20 30 40 years to make it there and in the meanwhile live with this grief.

 

 

So this is my story, sorry that it is so long.

Thank you for letting me vent.

_________________________

My Love...My Life...My Person...My Best Friend...My Soul Mate...

I love you Baby!!!

Chris

9/6/1980 - 12/31/2012 (the day my World ended)

 

 

[tk74]

Hi guys, I'm Tyler.  I was briefly on YWBB, sent by a friend who is also a widower.  I was glad to find this present place, however. I dunno maybe i just like the old-school message board set up... or maybe it's just the atmosphere. 

 

My wife, Chanty Elise, passed away on November 3rd, 2014. I'm still so lost without her.  She was perfect, she was flawed and she was mine. She was the only one I ever truly wanted and the only one I've ever loved.  It feels like yesterday and an eternity all at the same time.  We met in high school and from the first time I saw her I knew. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. It was 1989. Half way through the school year she moved away and we lost touch. Exactly twenty years later (to the month), we found each other on Facebook and (three days later) had our first date. I think we both knew that night that fate had brought us back together.  I'm the luckiest man in the world for having had her for even a brief amount of time.  I wouldn't trade any of it, not even the pain of losing her, for all the money in the world.  I just wish I could have loved her longer.

 

Chanty was a very "brittle" type one diabetic.  The last couple of years she had been frequently hospitalized due to the varying complications associated with diabetes and gastroparesis.  About a year ago several pulmonary embolisms were found in her chest .  They put her on blood thinners, which caused her to vomit blood at alarming and painful rates.  Trips to the ER were always nightmares.  Unfortunately, the incompetence of some of the health care workers still astonishes me.  The "last time" I took her in to the ER, was merely so they could give her fluids, because she had become dehydrated from being sick.  We didn't even think they would admit her.  Due to neglect of the nurses not checking her blood sugar for hours, she went into diabetic ketoacidosis and they decided to keep her over night.  How was I to know that leaving her for the night, would become such a source of guilt, shame and torment? I wasn't by her side when she needed me. I called her early the next morning and she simply said she wasnt feeling well and would call me back.  A couple hours later a hospitalist called me and told me to get there quickly.  Cardiac arrest caused by the pulmonary embolism.  By the time I arrived, they had resuscitated her 3 or 4 times over a 45 minute time frame.  For the next twenty four hours, she was in a coma ( and eventually brain dead).  I had our daughter, parents, siblings and a few close friends in the room with us.  We took turns going into the room with her alone and made our peace and said our goodbyes.  I pray there was a part of her which could still hear me. I've heard coma victims can hear everything said to them.  My God, was it hard and so very surreal.  When they unplugged her from the machine we were all there holding her, loving her and not wanting to let go.  A part of me is still there, not wanting to let go.  It's been four months and eight days and I'm not even close to wanting to let go.  My sweet Chanty was just 40 years old.  We were one month away from celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary.

 

Losing her on November 3rd meant, I had to quickly face the upcoming holidays with such a fresh wound to the heart.  Thanksgiving, our anniversary (dec.4th), Christmas, New Years, her birthday (jan. 16th), and of course the list goes on.  Fortunately I was so numb from the shock of losing her, I somehow made it through.  I do know January was colder, Spring will be lifeless and Summer will be void of warmth or color. Autumn, our favorite season, our last season together, I?m sure I?ll grow to resent. Life simply has no flavor or meaning.

 

I know, right now, everything is harder and regret is a bitch. I?m so sick of crying or tearing up with a knot in my throat.  It's taking it's toll.  While every single thing reminds me of her, the absolute worst for the first two months, was bedtime. Even if I had a decent day, the cruelty of reality comes with nightfall. The finality haunts me when I crawled into bed, knowing I'd never hold her again.  I finally started sleeping on her side of the bed and this actually seems to be helping.  The hardest part presently is simply living in this house.  Her ghost (metaphorically) is everywhere.  When my step-daughter isn't here, I just can't bare being alone... it's overwhelmingly sad.  I just want her back. I don?t want to move on and I don?t want anyone else. Yet at the same time, I don?t want this present darkness to become my identity.

[strongmama]

I just wanted to say a quick hello in the forum's new home. My husband died in a skiing accident in 2012 the day before Father's Day. We were together for 11 years, and married for 3. He was a beautiful, vibrant person, and we were just getting started in our lives together. I have a young son, who was 2 when his father died.

 

Losing my husband was the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me, but the perspective it has given me on life and how I want to live it is a precious gift. I learned in a big way how to stop sweating the small stuff, how to let go, and just live. Today I am no longer consumed by my grief... my new life has its own new shape, which is not just the negative space around the life I used to have.

 

I don't visit here often, but I love connecting with other widows when I have the chance. Hugs, everyone!

[Tee]

I was also on YWBB and browsed a lot when I needed to remind myself there were others that were going through the same thing I was.  I have always been a bit shy and rarely posted. 

My husband and I married young and enjoyed 17 years together when he went to work one night (a trucker) and never got the chance to come home to us the following morning.  Another trucker on the same road fell asleep at the wheel and all is history now.  He had just turned 39 a month prior.  Our boys were 5 and 11 at the time of the accident.  9 years later they are 14 and 20 and life is still moving forward.  I have dated a little over the years, with nothing exciting to report on that area, just that I still have hope.  We live in a small town in the Midwest . 

We are lucky to be very close to his family as well as my own, and I just keep busy with the kids and with volunteering that I have found to be good for me.  I am glad to see this board will continue to help others as it has helped me more than you know.

[November]

Hi I'm Leslie was November on YWBB. I lost my husband on 7/20/14 due to road rage.  We were visiting his parents in Mexico and on our way home a drunk driver in a truck cut in front of us almost hitting us. My husband and the man had a verbal exchange and the driver of that truck pulled out a gun and shot my husband.  He was 41.  We were married for 15 years.  I miss him very much everyday but I see him in our 3 beautiful children.

[Mizpah]

So glad to see the old names transfer, and know this place will be here for people the way it was back when I was raw and devastated and desperate for understanding. 

 

I'm Rachel.  I was 32 (almost 4 years ago now) when my Simon was standing on a sidewalk in NYC and killed by a car accident that left the roadway - he was 28.  We only had three years together, but they were extraordinary years with intensity that never faded.  We'd been about to start our family, and were living in a happy bubble of obsessive love.  I spent the first year or two grieving very very intensely, and at two years started to come back to life. 

 

I tended to reach out to newer widows to "pay it forward," all the amazing support I'd gotten here and in real life, and when I did that once with a widower I heard about, we ended up meeting up and having a crazy (and long distance) fantasy fling, falling in love, and then I moved north to the middle of nowhere to be with him and have his baby - she's 9 1/2 months old now, our double-widow baby.  It's not all rainbows and sunshine - life post-loss has been rough since recoupling for me, but here I am!  I honestly didn't believe I could physically survive the unbearable pain.  And I did.  Or at least I have so far!