Those dating divorcee with nutty ex

[Sugarbell]

It's a challenge...in my small hometown..we know lots of the same people. I'm not really used to being on guard..but I grew up here..so it's not hard to stay 2 steps ahead of the crazy.

 

Her latest is she's telling folks she's being tested for MS (Multiple Scelerosis). When he finally had enough 3 years ago and they separated she told everyone she had cancer and he was leaving her and not there for her during treatments. (Uh he left her cause she started cheating in 2006...and never really stopped and he finally had enough. His only regret is he didn't leave her sooner)

She never had treatments..it suddenly was gone once the attention stopped and she realized he wasn't taking her back.

 

My Mom has MS...she's had it for 30 years. It aggravates me that she's got her daughter worked up over her MS testing (which is just an MRI..maybe they are trying to find a reason for the Crazy).

 

I'm almost at a place that I am ready to stop tip toeing around about the relationship and avoiding her at all costs. I am really taking the proactive high road because I really care about this guy and his daughter.

 

My inner redneck wants to start messing with her head..Holding off hoping she just flits away

[MR]

I think what you are doing is right as once she stops getting attention she will not bother you and him.

[mmg19]

Stay on the high road.  You are not responsible for her words and behaviors.  NG will always need some contact with his ex if they are sharing custody.  Daughter will and should always be concerned for her mother.  Her medical issues do not concern you.  A fire always burns out when no fuel is added.  Patience, kindness, and maturity are qualities to serve one well. 

 

Sooner or later you are going to be faced with face to face contact.  A pleasant hello and move on as you would with any other acquaintance without emotion or need for conversation would be my choice.  No explanation needed and NG and daughter will appreciate not feeling any stress.  Good Luck.

[tybec]

Good job, SB.  When you said crazy, it is really on a whole other level.  Sorry to have to deal with that. Our hearts fall for who they fall.

 

I have been prepared for everything I have dealt with in my life, whether I liked it or not.  I think you got this, prepared though you didn't know you would be. 

[BrokenHeart2]

My DH had a wackjob ex.  Stay the course SB  You're doing great.  Just don't expect it to end.  Expect the unexpected and you won't be suprised.  LOL 

[Sugarbell]

Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone. I will stay the course being proactive. I catch myself always staying Astro ahead but I know some unexpected encounters are eventually going to happen.

 

You are right...her health doesn't concern me. I think the whole MS thing really hit a nerve with me...because my Mom was diagnosed when I was in High School and she did everything to keep us shielded from it for a while...the ex hasn't even been diagnosed but is already worrying her daughter about it for sympathy. (Bet my life savings she doesn't have MS).

 

I haven't posted a single pic or anything on social media of us because she has mutual friends with me and I'm just staying private and invisible (don't want to fuel any fire). And again..I could care less how angry or whatever the emotion is of the day she is with me....but she drills her daughter and drives that poor kid up the wall when she's upset so for her sake...I stay invisible.

 

Oh and she's intentionally overdosed twice when she gets upset (usually over one of her man friends) My sons friends Dad went out with her briefly..when he tried to dump her she overdosed and had to have her stomach pumped. So I'm expecting that to happen eventually too for attention.

 

Good grief.🙄🙄. But NG is worth her headache. I'm not going anywhere.

[Trying]

When there are kids involved you definitely have a different level of responsibility when dealing with a crazy ex.  It sounds like you are very sensitive to the impact on NGs daughter and letting that guide you instead of your own ego is the way to go.  Its too bad she doesn't realize the same thing and put her daughter first.

[Sugarbell]

NG poor daughter...I hope I don't unintentionally make things worse. She went to ballgame with us last night...We were talking about our Finger Lakes vacation in June (all 6 of us are getting a lake house). She is so excited. Then my daughter grabbed my phone and started showing her pics of our various trips (I've taken lots of mini trips solo with my kids). She just got quiet then said "Well my Mom is flying to Key West tomorrow morning since she's kid free till Monday..another one of her get always with "friends".. I wish my Mom would take trips with me".

 

Her Dad said she cried all the way back to their house...saying how selfish her Mom was.

 

I know it's not my concern...she's anxious to get her drivers license...so she can stay at her Dads all the time and not be forced to stay with her Mom in the city and her partying friends.

 

I just have a soft spot for kids...I verbalize nothing to her about her Mom..I'm neutral Switzerland.

 

I'm sure when she chooses to stay with her Dad all the time that will be blame on me. 🙄

[MR]

I feel for your NG daughter. Yes you will be blamed for everything so get ready  :)

[arneal]

Yes, Sugarbell -- the second mom or second dad is always at fault  : That's why I used that term with my son -- my second husband was his second dad; his first dad was dead so there was no drama, but for my stepdaughter, having a second mom for real (someone her ex married, not just a girlfriend) was problematic for a long time.

[Sugarbell]

Over the weekend we all hung out...NG and daughter went to games with us..they came up Sunday for my birthday dinner at my parents. He dropped her off to her Mom at 5 (supposed to be 2..but her flight was late from Key West 🙄).

 

I was teaching at High school today...this afternoon daughter comes bobbing into the classroom with homemade cookies she made for me last night. She said she wanted to bring me cookies on my birthday. She is the sweetest kid. I asked NG after work if she caught Hell for it...He laughed and said "No..she told her Mom she was making cookies for her friends at school so she wouldn't flip out on her. "

 

Gawd this women is going to hate me even more...hope I don't come home someday and find a boiling rabbit in a pot in the kitchen (Fatal attraction)

[arneal]

Sugarbell -- sounds like she is a great young lady, NGs daughter. That is a blessing right there. Mom? Not so much  Which makes it difficult to stay neutral. However, you are doing a fabulous job of navigating these choppy waters. Good for you as you are being a role model for NG and his daughter. That's fabulous. (((hugs)))

[Sugarbell]

At ballgame last night...daughter called her Dad..45 minutes of crying.

 

Mom threw fit over something...she packed up all daughters clothes screaming "I'm going to drop you off somewhere else to make you happy..just live with your Dad and her" (and no we are nowhere close to living together)

 

Clothes were all over the yard, suitcase..She finally calmed down and went to bed (Mom) Dad told daughter to go to bed. He expects her Mom will wake her up in the middle of the night to apologize. He says that's usually what happens.

 

Bat Shit Crazy.

[Captains wife]

First of all you wonder how great guys marry crazy women like this. And I feel so bad for the great daughter- it makes me disgusted his ex is behaving this way. Sugar bell - I admire your resilience towards this situation. Make sure you share techniques of how to block out this toxic behaviour.

[BrokenHeart2]

Bat shit crazy sounds right.  Why is BF allowing his daughter to live with this nutjob?

 

[Sugarbell]

High school sweethearts...married at 20. She wasn't crazy in high school.

 

She stays at her parents in town when she has her daughter. He was upset her parents didn't say anything..but I think they walk on eggshells too. I think he just wanted out of the marriage and it was joint 50/50 custody and he felt better that she would be at her grandparents on days she's with her Mom. Mom has rental house in "city"but it was worked out that she would stay at her folks on days during the week when she had her daughter. She holds a full time job in the "city". Even my sons middle school coach..who talks about no one said to me the other day "Glad you are with him..he's a great guy but his ex is a crazy ass".

 

I think it upset her that this weekend daughter was at my parents with him for dinner and my Mom (retired high school teacher) really hit it off with her too. The kid just wants a peaceful family life-she gets along with everyone-she hasn't rebelled or anything (in spite of her mother). She failed her learners permit for her license last week and wants her license so bad so she can have more say about where she goes. She's 15.. I believe kids at 15 are allowed to choose aren't they? And he hasn't dated anyone in 2.5 years since the divorce..pretty much because of Moms volatile behavior..so now it's cranked up because he has a girlfriend, his daughter likes me and my kids, our families like each other, etc.

 

I'm staying as neutral as I can...but I am no longer going to hide " us" and walk on eggshells worried about this woman. She kept screaming "I probably have MS..and look what you are doing to me".

 

I expect an overdose soon...and plenty of drama/show to come with it. I know I sound callous ...but it's too predictable. And I really am falling for this guy. He is just such an amazing man of character.

[Sugarbell]

I think the way of blocking her out is..I've fallen for him. I know him..I have people locally vouching for his character who have known him for 40 years. He's solid..he's what I've been looking for..I don't fall easily..but we just flow together-we are easy it's not work. So I ignore her..and everyone I encounter is happy for the two of us and say she's crazy. That makes it easy. She won't get a word outta me..nothing. Saying nothing around Crazy is better than being nice and trying to reason with them or play nice.

 

I don't play with crazy toxic people. Just nothing.

[BrokenHeart2]

Good plan!  I used to say to DH "I don't do crazy well" and he knew it.  I did the same, said nothing.  As the kids get older there will be even less reason for her to contact your NG so there is that to look forward to as well.  Good luck SB!!

[Forgottenwife]

Mom threw fit over something...she packed up all daughters clothes screaming "I'm going to drop you off somewhere else to make you happy..just live with your Dad and her" (and no we are nowhere close to living together)

 

Clothes were all over the yard, suitcase..

 

Someone could have called the police. Imagining if my boyfriend or roommate or SO started screaming and throwing my belongings around, I would immediately leave. And if they tried to stop me from leaving and I was able to, I would call the police. In my opinion, this is not just crazy, its abusive. If one of your friends told you this story, would you feel that they should immediately leave the situation? No different just because she is a minor. Being treated like that by your mom is bullshit.

 

I really feel for this kid.

[Sugarbell]

Yes you are right...it's abusive. That's why NG was so upset that the grandparents did nothing.

 

I'm hoping she goes off the deep end and moves south to the beach like she keeps threatening too. It would be the best thing she could do for her daughter is to just leave.

[Forgottenwife]

Ugh, I'm so sorry.

[Sugarbell]

Argued all morning in car..Her Mother said she's just too much for her to handle right now..Had daughter in tears at school this morning.

 

Then this afternoon had flowers delivered to the school to her daughter apologizing. (I subbed at high school today)

 

Classic textbook abusive relationship. Absolutely insane. Daughter knows and called her Dad on school bus..He told her to just act appreciative..She has dance class from 5-9 so she won't have to see her Mom much tonight and she's with him rest of the week.

 

Sigh..finally find the man of my dreams and his ex is absolutely bonkers.

[BrokenHeart2]

Maybe it's time BF went back to court to get his daughter out of the nut house.  Obviously her parents are not any help.  Why should she have to suffer the craziness of her mother.  Doesn't sound very fair to me.

[Sugarbell]

He doesn't even need to go back to court...In WV kids 14 and older have a say and she could stay with her Dad all the time. He's been wanting her too for some time.

 

This last stunt I think about did NG and his daughter in. He was up all night the night it happened worried about her. His daughter is a pleaser....a peace maker and thought if she spent 50/50 with both parents it would keep Mom happy.

 

It's not working...I look for her to gradually spend more and more days with her Dad. It's already 70 percent of the time instead of 50/50..cause he gladly takes her when Mom takes her unexpected sugar daddy trips.

 

I

[MrsDan]

Maybe it's time BF went back to court to get his daughter out of the nut house.  Obviously her parents are not any help.  Why should she have to suffer the craziness of her mother.  Doesn't sound very fair to me.

 

This is often a lot easier said than done. SB's NG is fortunate in that his daughter is old enough to have a say. But for younger children winning physical custody away from one parent is tough, and expensive. Like, upwards of tens of thousands of dollars. And being emotionally abusive or just a shitty person, that won't cut it. The burden of proof is extraordinarily high. In my opinion, the system places the rights of the parents over the rights of the child.

 

Every time there is an issue with one parent being non-compliant, whether it's involving parenting time, scheduling, providing information or whatever, the other parent has to file a motion, which is a few hundred dollars right there. Both have to pay, even the party who has been denied their rights. Everything, discovery and all that, it costs money. What galls me is all the money being wasted by parents who want to cock block, that is all money that could be spent on the kids. It's crazy.