I still feel so disconnected

[still_lost]

This November will be 8 years since my husband died. I feel like I should be further along in my life. I feel so disconnected from people at times. I believe there are parts of me that died with him. I'm still struggling to raise our only child by myself, and it's not getting any easier. I tried two relationships in seven years, and they just didn't work for a few different reasons. I feel like I'm more comfortable being alone. I was on my own for four years before I began a relationship. Now I just feel like I don't want to deal with a lot of other people's  "stuff" as I still have enough of my own (I'm sure that sounds terrible, but it's true). So much of my energy the past few years has been on trying to survive the most devastating loss. I fear that the rest of my life will just be surviving and not really living. I'm tired of this.

[cathyr]

I'm so sorry Still_Lost.  I have no words of wisdom, but please believe...you are not alone. 

I wish I could reach through the computer screen and give you a ((((big hug))))! 

Sending warm and positive vibes that the heavy feeling and weight of the pain lifts a little bit each day.  Hang in there!

[marjoe]

Still, I have read your post, several times. So much of what you wrote hit home. I'm at 8 1/2 years, and there are times I think - G-d, I've been through the fire and survived. Some days I'm riding high, confident and ok, and other days - well, come home from work, pour that wine, binge watch the White Queen, and think, OMFG, what is to become of me? So yeah, you're not alone in this. I've found that there's a byproduct of being widowed, be it fear, or warrior strength, or cynicism. Whatever it is, good or bad, it stays with us. My 2 cents.

 

I just wanted you to know that you've been heard - thank you for posting this. Marsha

[Momtojandj]

Hugs to still ... I hear you , you are not alone .

[still_lost]

Thank you. Sometimes hearing that I'm not alone in my feelings helps me to feel better. I think some people think I should be over it because 7 years have passed, but that is not the case. Some days I feel just as bad as I did in the beginning. I guess that's what they are referring to when they say grief is a roller-coaster.

[sikeuritgadeun]

I feel the same.  Seven years, going on eight,  I hate it.  I'm alone and feel so lost without my husband.  Only us, who have gone through this get it.  I understand. I really do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jen]

I fear that the rest of my life will just be surviving and not really living. I'm tired of this.

 

THIS.

 

You've summed it up perfectly. That's what I'm doing: surviving. Not living. I hate it.

 

*hugs* That's all I can offer.

[Captains wife]

I'm so sorry - this widow(er) life isn't fair. I agree you don't just get over it -  sometimes I think back to that night 5.5 years ago and I say to myself - did this really  happen?? I'm trying very hard to live a happy life and I've been on my own for longer now (raising our young son) than I was married or even with my LH. I'm dating someone now but his situation is tough so it's nothing like being married with my sons father with us. Sometimes I feel very disconnected from him and I find many periods of time where I retreat from the world for a while....to regroup. None of this is easy...hope you are doing well

[ladybug]

I feel like I am only surviving day by day. 

 

This is my 9TH summer has a widow.  I often think what will become of me.  I have that lonely feeling inside that I never tell anyone about.  They would not understand.

 

There are some things that only those of us who have been through would truly understand.

 

I still miss my husband every day.

 

Thanks for sharing everyone......it helps.

 

[SamNE]

I'm so sorry - this widow(er) life isn't fair. I agree you don't just get over it -  sometimes I think back to that night 5.5 years ago and I say to myself - did this really  happen?? I'm trying very hard to live a happy life and I've been on my own for longer now (raising our young son) than I was married or even with my LH. I'm dating someone now but his situation is tough so it's nothing like being married with my sons father with us. Sometimes I feel very disconnected from him and I find many periods of time where I retreat from the world for a while....to regroup. None of this is easy...hope you are doing well

 

I haven't posted in a long long time, but I was reading tonight, hoping to find some comfort. This post by Captains Wife about dating so resonates with me. I have been dating him for 2.5 years. I cannot bring myself to take next steps with him because I too often feel such a disconnect, like he doesn't really see me or get me at all. And a week ago, I knew I needed to retreat for a while to figure things out without his expectations pulling at me. I was clear I didn't want to break up, just wanted a temporary break. When he couldn't talk me out of it today, he broke up with me. 

[Guaruj]

I have been dating him for 2.5 years. I cannot bring myself to take next steps with him because I too often feel such a disconnect, like he doesn't really see me or get me at all. And a week ago, I knew I needed to retreat for a while to figure things out without his expectations pulling at me. I was clear I didn't want to break up, just wanted a temporary break. When he couldn't talk me out of it today, he broke up with me. 

 

I'm really sorry this happened. It sounds like you tried hard to make this work.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Portside]

 

I have been dating him for 2.5 years. I cannot bring myself to take next steps with him because I too often feel such a disconnect, like he doesn't really see me or get me at all. And a week ago, I knew I needed to retreat for a while to figure things out without his expectations pulling at me. I was clear I didn't want to break up, just wanted a temporary break. When he couldn't talk me out of it today, he broke up with me. 

 

Yeah, it sounds like a bit of a mess. While this is certainly painful, perhaps this is for the best. You mentioned you feel he hasn't gotten you in the past 2.5 years. 2 and a half years is a long time to be dating someone and the two of you are not yet clicking. Perhaps each of you are searching for something the other cannot deliver, and thus, the problem.

 

No right or wrong but simply honest mismatch on expectations and pace of advancement of the relationship.

 

Good luck - Mike

[trying2breathe]

 

I haven't posted in a long long time, but I was reading tonight, hoping to find some comfort. This post by Captains Wife about dating so resonates with me. I have been dating him for 2.5 years. I cannot bring myself to take next steps with him because I too often feel such a disconnect, like he doesn't really see me or get me at all. And a week ago, I knew I needed to retreat for a while to figure things out without his expectations pulling at me. I was clear I didn't want to break up, just wanted a temporary break. When he couldn't talk me out of it today, he broke up with me. 

SamNE  I relate to your post, I've been dating my guy for over 6 months - it's a fun relationship but I feel a disconnect between us and it bothers me.  I'm leaving for vacation soon and want to ask for a temporary break while I'm away but think that it wouldn't be fair to ask this of him.  Agree with Portside that if you're still not feeling it after 2-1/2 years it may well be time to move on.  Sorry about the breakup, it does sound like you gave the relationship a good chance.

[hachi]

At five years, I still sometimes feel that disconnect in different ways, at different times. With NG, I was very fortunate that he could get through these periods and not feel that the "disconnect" was his fault, or my fault. Just that it was. And it was OK. I'm sure someone less patient would have ended it. There were even times that I didn't think I would care if he did. But as I have said in other threads, time has been a friend to us, and even though I remain forever changed, I still have a well exercised heart that can reconnect and our relationship has deepened.

 

I suppose it is about managing expectations. I had none for so long. That can't be easy on the other end.

[Christopher]

I cannot reconnect to the shallow, instant-gratification driven world.

 

I've found that I am so set apart that I just want to live off grid with my own cabin in the woods for a while (with the amenities of the civilized world). I don't have that option so I am learning how to be useful in the event that option ever arrives. This means I am learning how to build a lot of stuff, including self-powering electric generators and electric water pumps and such.

 

I do this through the tears and relentless burning of the deep and endless need for someone to love on and cherish. I can find none worthy, and the ones that might be worthy are too scared to reach out.