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The guilt of rebuilding

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Up until this point most of my life has been surrounding this tragedy. Closing up accounts, taking care of lawyers and doctors and slowly just trying to get myself back to work so that I don't have to live in a shoebox. But now I'm reaching a new stage. Things are finally starting to settle , certain things are starting to close and I find myself realizing I don't have much going on for myself. So I started doing little things like redecorating the house or possibly looking at if I want it move. I even catch myself thinking about if I was to ever consider looking for love again what that would look like. But all of these things are usually followed by this horrible racking guilt that I can't seem to let go of. Like I'm betraying or cheating on my husband which when I really think about it is crazy because that implies I have an option to go back to him. God I wish I could go back to him. I love and miss him so much. I do little things in his memory which bring me peace. But doesn't seem fair that as I try to move forward in a healthy manner (because I have to) that my reward is this never-ending guilt. Not really sure how to deal with it. The fact is we never got a chance to have children so it's not like I can focus on making their lives better. I've got a cat and he's doing just fine. So really all I have is me. Just me so I've got to focus on making things better for me. But the guilt. I can't stop with the guilt. Is this normal? Any suggestions?

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KrypticKat, you're not alone in feeling that way sister. My heart breaks often just thinking about my beautiful WIFE not being here. This life f@cking sucks. No advice, just wishing you peace my friend.




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Throughout the first year after my wife's death, I gradually adopted the attitude that in some sense she was still with me. In hindsight I see that this allowed me to take my first steps towards rebuilding without feeling sad or guilty. Although not necessarily true in the religious or spiritual sense, I once described it this way:


I often feel that my [deceased] wife has been assisting me in facing the challenges of my new life. Some might say it is her actual spirit, and others, the spirit she instilled within me when she was alive. Whichever it is, it allows me to go on . . . Wherever I go, whatever I do, she is with me. And so I never feel that I am leaving her behind. I see her smiling with me when I am up, encouraging me when I am down, laughing at me when I do something dumb. As she did for so many years in life, I'm sure that in death she still wants the best for me. And so she is guiding me towards happiness.



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I'm going through the same thing. Some days I feel guilty just for existing. But I remind myself that feeling miserable all the time won't bring him back or fix anything, so I might as well try to do something beneficial.I'm sure the guilty feelings will diminish with time too.

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Im not at the stage of wanting to rebuild anything, sine I feel very much still married to my husband, but I did think that if in the future I would feel like dating again ,it would feel like a horrible betrayal and disloyalty, and that is killing me, sine I am a very loyal person. So being forced to be disloyal its something very cruel.  But it is not like we can choose our husbands, we would choose them over any man in the world. We are forced to be without them, so if we rebuild our lives its just us trying to still function because we have to, not because we turn our backs on our marriages. As painful as it is to accept, our husbands/wives, are not part of this world/dimension anymore. They belong to a new world,  spiritual one. Unfortunately we are still here, stuck, and we have three option: drawn in sorrow and wait to die, try to make life as beautiful as we can by ourselves until we are reunited with our spouses or try to rebuild our life with someone else.  All three options are viable,  the first one I not recommended. The last two are both good options and we are entitled to both of them if we choose to or depending on what unfolds in our lives.





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