New to forum

[mona]

Hi I'm new here. My husband passed away three months ago after battling cancer for many years. I am grieving heavily to say the least. No two days seem to be alike on some levels. The topic I want to talk about today is how I am disappointed in my community and my husband's for not reaching out to me more. The weight of my grief has been on one friend who calls on me and checks on me. That just seems reasonable doesn't it? She has been feeding me, coming over to do dishes etc...I feel mad at everyone and I have to ask myself if it is I that is not being fair to them or reasonable in my anger? My other "best" friend has now distanced herself from me because I asked her to stop judging me. (long story there.) I am so fragile and raw right now. I wish I could find all new friends who know what I am going through. My husband always used to say "you have a hall pass" and I do! I feel like a pariah. I feel like I have to take care of them rather than the other way around. I am going to counseling but I feel so lonely. I am considering group grief support even though that is totally not my style but I am desperate for understanding. I would like to know how you have dealt with the loss of friendships and community upon a death. It is the last thing I expected.

[MR]

Hi Mona,

So sorry for your loss. We all have noticed that most of our so called friends disappear from our life once you are widow(er). I kept myself strong after losing my wife as needed to take care of kids one started uni after 2 days of funeral and other started 9th. If I broke in front of them it might have affected their studies. I kept crying alone and kept moving forward. No 2 days were same but I stopped expecting anything from friends. Doesn't have my family here everyone is in India so couldn't count much on them. My mom was here so she was taking care of food. We all grief differently so no 2 person will have similar healing path but you can always get up and try to take charge of your life. Support group of forums like this is life saver as people will not judge you here.

 

Hugs

Manoj

[bdean38]

Welcome Mona,

So sorry about your husband! It sucks. Be thankful and thank your wonderful friend who is doing a great job helping you. It is odd and weird when we have friends that kind of disappear from our life. I don't fully understand it, maybe they can't deal with it. There's people in my life that have "disappeared" that I'm no longer in contact with. But there are also new people that arise. As MR suggested, support groups and forums can be good and helpful. You're not alone Mona.

 

Bobby

[KrypticKat]

Hello Mona,

 

I'm so sorry you have to be here with is but I'm glad you have found this safe space. The change in relationships is probably one of the hardest parts of this. You've already lost so much and it's just salt in the wound honestly. I've really been surprised by who's been able to step up and who's had to step back. Some people just aren't good at the hard stuff in life and I try really hard not to judge them but it still hurts when these people have been such an intimate part of your life for so long. Sometimes you have to be honest and communicate to others what you need but early on that's almost impossible. I think we have people come and go from our lives as our lives change and this particular situation is really startling cuz it's so much change at once so we see this transition so much more clearly. It's not easy and some people may step back into your life and some relationships may be changed forever. You may actually make some new friendships and bonds that you never thought were possible. Cherish the friend who has stepped up at this point. They sound awesome. Use this place as another support. It's great. Thinking of you. Kk.

[Angelalpn]

Mona,

First off I am so sorry for your loss and that you had to watch him battle through cancer. I lost my husband literally 42 days ago very unexpectedly. I don't know which is worse watching them fight or it coming out of no where.

I can understand losing friends. I feel extremely lonely. My sister in law lost two children and told me to expect to lose people I never thought I would. I thought she was nuts, but its so true.

I have found that no one understands what we are feeling. Please hang in there.

Angela