Nightline 4/25/17

[Julester3]

Sitting here watching random TV and there is a segment on that Facebook COO who's husband died and how it affected her. Sheryl Sandberg. Look it up when it goes live...

[momof2obs]

I just got her new booked called "Option B".  Will be reading it over the next few days.

[Wheelerswife]

I received my book a couple days ago and finished it yesterday.  The book is chock full of philosophies that could potentially help people...if they don't get bogged down in the long list.  It also throws grief and the loss of a spouse in with other types of trauma and loss.  The authors spent some time researching, but I don't honestly see anything new and earth shattering in the book.  That being said, it might help a lot of people, and the fact that Sheryl Sandberg is well known means that many people may choose to read her book and perhaps there will be more people who have at least read about grief and have greater sensitivity about it. 

 

I'd be interested in other's reactions.  I haven't fully shared my thoughts here at this point.

 

Maureen

[canadiangirl]

I feel really torn about Sheryl Sandberg writing about this.  I admire her as a role model with "Lean In", I think it's great that the experience of young widowhood and grief will be discussed more as a result of her personal experience and new book, and I have honest empathy about her loss and that of her children.  We're around the same age. 

 

But...the fact that she can write a book in a relatively short period after her loss, the story in CNN about crying hysterically upstairs while Facebook people were coming for an important dinner...this is where our stories are radically different.  This tells me she has HELP and quite a lot of it because few young widows with children who do not have the same privilege have that kind of time, no matter how smart and driven.  I know this seems like sour grapes and unattractive envy, I guess it's just where our stories diverge.  I may still get her book out from the library, I am glad she is speaking out and she has my respect...but I can't shake some reservations.  Perhaps she addresses this in her book--she is publicly acknowledging that those in more difficult financial circumstances have it harder--but the voice of Lean In becoming the voice for widowhood may not be the most representative.  I learn a lot here from the diversity of members.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

canadiangirl,

 

Sandberg does address her relative privilege in her book and even apologizes for not recognizing the plight of solo mothers in Lean In; however, I did not feel as if she even paused to suggest how people in less supportive circumstances - financial or personal - could use her wisdom in real time.  She talks about how we need to advocate for changes in policies - family and bereavement leave, for the best example, but that does little to help someone who is coping with loss right now.

 

Maureen

 

[Guest oneoftwo]

I wsh the Time magazine cover piece had more depth. you know, a full face shot on the cover but then so little in the article is disappointing. I don't know that she felt anything different than the rest of us, may be though she has a louder voice.

 

[Mrskro]

I'm with canadiangirl;

 

While I am sure a lot of widows and widowers experience similar situations, feelings, relatives and friends that don't get it.  I'm not sure how much I can relate to her.  For me, I'm sure she experience a ton of difficulties, just not ones I would face.  I mean, I couldn't imagine running a large company like that anyway, let alone in the throes of grief.  Her story just doesn't seem to be mine. 

 

I'm not sure what practical advice she can offer that I haven't already figured out.  I read that Adam Grant, who wrote it with her, told her there are concrete steps to recover and rebound and I just don't buy it.  There isn't one path to overcome grief, every situation and every person is different.  Hell if there were concrete steps to get us all over death, we wouldn't be here and why not just hand out the book at every funeral home.

 

I've been meaning to buy the book by Michelle Miller, Boys, booze and bathroom floors, now I didn't lose my husband to suicide but I feel I can relate to her much more.  And I read It's ok to laugh (crying is cool too) by Nora Mcinerny.  I loved the way she told her story. 

 

Now, I am glad people are writing about their grief, putting faces and names to it.  I actually wish friends and family would read more about grief and maybe they would understand what we all go through. 

http://www.betternotbitterwidower.com/?p=376  I really wish more people read stuff like this blog. 

 

I am planning to read it, I just haven't had time.

[BrokenHeart2]

Thanks Mrskro, that was a good read!! I love the "sit down and shut up"!!!! Wish I had that a few yrs ago to send to many people. lol

[Julester3]

The only thing that I liked was facebook's willingness to change their bereavement policy. It's abhorrent across the board. In my HR manual, I only get 3 days and I was supposed to go back? No, I took 3 weeks. My world was rocked. Until you've walked our shoes, you don't know how it feels and for that I hope policies improve someday just like hopefully maternity leaves will hopefully get better someday. Other countries have much better policies in these matters than here in the US. We are a workaholic country. I haven't read any of her books yet but from the sounds of your reviews, it seems it's nothing ground breaking.

[Wheelerswife]

Julester3,

 

I really think that bereavement leave policies consider more typical losses...grandparent, aged parent...

 

That is hard enough, but it makes more sense.

 

As far as Sandberg goes, she intends to advocate for better leave policies, but we all know that it will take a long time to see that change.  The companies that can most afford it will do it...like Facebook.  I don't work at Facebook, though...and I doubt many of us here work for companies that will just say...you know, you are right!  We need to give employees a much better bereavement leave policy!

 

Maureen

[Guest TooSoon]

I had to go right back to work because my daughter and I needed to maintain the insurance I keep.  And I made it through the semester but was also up for my 5 year review the semester my husband died (and per our union contract, there was no possibility of delaying it) so I had to be "evaluated" by my students. 

 

I cannot tell you what it felt like to read things like, "She needs to get over herself.  So what, her husband died." or  "Everybody has problems; she needs to leave her dead husband at home and not bring him to work."  Honestly, it's been four years since I read those comments and only now do I feel like I can write out those words for the first time.  They broke my heart.  I know they're "just kids" and "they don't know what they're saying" but as a person who has dedicated my life to the classroom, I can never unread those comments and others like them. 

 

I never should have been in the classroom immediately after his death but I didn't have a choice. 

 

As for Sandberg, it is good that she's out there speaking about the plight of the young and widowed, especially those of us trying to raise children and maintain careers, but even just generally.  She's on the mainstream late night shows and news channels and writing op-eds.  We might not be able as individuals to relate to her reality but the more anyone is talking about their grieving (Patton Oswalt, Joe Biden, Stephen Colbert, Sheryl Sandberg, etc) the better.  Death is part of life; we all acknowledge here that, as a culture, we aren't very good at it.  So, while I've got my own issues with some of her perspectives, I do think its a good thing that she's using the voice she has.  Two cents. 

[MauiMermaid]

And I made it through the semester but was also up for my 5 year review the semester my husband died (and per our union contract, there was no possibility of delaying it) so I had to be "evaluated" by my students. 

 

I cannot tell you what it felt like to read things like, "She needs to get over herself.  So what, her husband died." or  "Everybody has problems; she needs to leave her dead husband at home and not bring him to work."  Honestly, it's been four years since I read those comments and only now do I feel like I can write out those words for the first time.  They broke my heart.  I know they're "just kids" and "they don't know what they're saying" but as a person who has dedicated my life to the classroom, I can never unread those comments and others like them. 

 

I never should have been in the classroom immediately after his death but I didn't have a choice. 

 

Oh, TooSoon... that pierced my heart. I'm so sorry you had to read that from your students. As much as you can write it off as a lack of life experience, seeing those words in print must have been so very painful. Big (((hugs))) to you.

 

There have been an abundance of posts about this on LinkedIn lately. I'm glad to see more awareness and open conversation about the impact of grief in losing a partner or spouse. Anything that will help foster more empathy going forward is such a good thing. As Maureen mentioned, so often bereavement policies seem to apply more to the passing of a relative (which is still really tough but, as we know, isn't in the same ballpark).

[Blue14]

TooSoon, that is the most f'ed up thing I've ever read. Truly despicable. I am so sorry. I would never wish membership in this club on anyone, but I wish they could feel what it's like for a few hours.