Some words about "Time"

[Michael797]

To those of you who are new here, my heart breaks for you every single day, even though I'm almost three years out. The board will help you just as it helped me way back when.

 

People will say all sorts of things to you (before they vanish out of sight). They mean well. They would love to be the one to "fix" this for you. You know by now that it's not going to be that simple.

 

One of the things I heard most often back then was "It takes time." Heard that one yet? You already know that a second is like a thousand years now, right? Time doesn't mean much when every second is loaded with either shock, agony, anger, or just crippling despair.

 

Back when it all first happened to me, I went to Barnes & Noble and read every book on grief that I could find. Most of them were pretty useless and didn't make me feel better. But there is one thing that made sense, so I thought maybe I'd share it.

 

"It takes time." If that was true, you could crawl into bed for about five years, crawl back out, and all of your pain would magically be gone.

 

Time has nothing to do with what you're going through. Time's only going to be a measurement of how far out you are from when it all happened. Nobody gets to say things to you like "Jeez, it's been a while - aren't you over it yet?" You probably will never get "over it," but you will probably somehow get past it.

 

The only thing that matters about time is this: if it's been six months or a year and you're still in the exact same place where you were when your partner passed, you should probably go get some professional help. That's it.

 

I will say that the widows I met here are the finest people I know. You are surrounded by people who "get it." They're here for you, too. I'm one of them.

 

And bagos. They help, too. When you're ready.

 

 

[KrypticKat]

So true Michael. I'm only 9 months out but I agree about time. It won't play as big a roll as how you work through it. Through is the only way. Some will work through quickly others slowly. The important thing is that you are moving through it at your own pace. This site has also helped me so much. And yes, you don't get over it. You just learn how to carry it with you. Kk.

[BrokenHeart2]

Awesome post Michael!  It's also important what you do with that time. Right now for you that are early out, does it feel like the minutes go by like hours.  If so, I too remember that so well.  That was when for the first time in my life I truly got what "one day at a time" meant.  Sometimes I had to take that down from day to hour and sometime minute.  Thank God it didn't stay like that though.

I will end with something that really resonated with me early out and I will never forget how it helped me through...."If you are going through hell, just keep going."

Hugs.

[Tatianakm]

One person who helped me immensely in my processing of the death of my husband did tell me that it will take TIME, in fact long time for me to feel better. He pointed out that actually the same acronym is used in AA meetings: TIME- Things I Must Earn, and earning for me would be working my way through this journey and earning that relief eventually. So I keep my nose to the ground and plow through the good, the bad and the ugly, truly believing that eventually I will earn my relief. It does get a little easier with TIME.

[MR]

So true. I think biggest thing we learned with the passage of time is to deal with this grief and thus it feels better. Earlier I was crying almost everytime I was driving or alone now it happens randomly and sometimes it doesn't happen to days.

[Monique]

I'm at about 3 months, and every day seems a little harder than the last. Nothing has any meaning anymore. Can someone PLEASE wake me up from this nightmare? Or at least put me out of my misery?

[KrypticKat]

Hey Monique. I feel for you. The only thing I can say is that in the early days it does get worse before it gets better. Mainly because you go from numb shock to feeling the reality of your situation. I imagine at 3 months that's likely where you are at with things. I don't know if it helps but what you are feeling is pretty normal. We are all here if you need support. XO KK

[Mizpah]

No one can wake you up or put you out of the misery, but know that, even though right now it is unbearable, there will come a time in your life when you do not feel such searing pain.  You will not always hurt like this, or at the very least not so constantly.  It takes a long time, I won't lie (though it's different for each person), and it's a slow, gradual process, but you will not always hurt like this. 

[tmwenger]

One of my favorite quotes about time is by angie cartwright. I am sure you have seen it, but just in case I will post it and give you my thoughts.

 

" My grieving friend. Sometimes all of the suggestions don't work. Sometimes all we can do is breath. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. But... There is hope. It will come. When, you might ask? It comes one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time"

 

For the longest time all I had were those brief moments where I was not feeling like I didn't want to live. Moments where the pain was bearable. And it did get worse before it got better. And then I slowly started crying less. I started have more moments where I was ok than when I was afraid I could not go on. And then I reached a point where it had been a week since I had last cried. I was shocked. Now, although I miss my DH every day, it does not consume me. In fact I am truly happy again. I never thought I would feel truly happy again. Nor did I want to at times.

 

I think when people tell you it takes time, at least people who have been in a similar situation, they are just trying to let you know that they get how hard it is every single moment, but that with time the moments between the despair do become longer and longer. So just hold on. 

[kailee]

I'm at about 3 months, and every day seems a little harder than the last. Nothing has any meaning anymore. Can someone PLEASE wake me up from this nightmare? Or at least put me out of my misery?

 

I completely get this post. I am sorry for your loss, for my loss, for everyone's loss. Even in my most lucid and accepting moments, I know this is such a raw deal and it's nearly impossible to process. Not day by day for me but minute by minute. xoxo