All the words I can't say

[Jen]

I was hoping I could type them, but that's a wash too. I don't feel I belong here anymore, but I don't have anywhere else to go. Three years, one month, 12 days... I had convinced myself (and my therapist!) that I was better. Moving forward, accepting the New Normal. Now it feels like I'm back at the beginning, back in hell-- only it's a different hell than the one I knew so well. This one is colder, grayer... emptier, although I can't understand how that's possible. I feel alone and helpless, broken and useless. Not depressed-- ironically, I've got that under control, thanks to well-adjusted medication and the aforementioned therapist's assistance. Just... resigned to this interminable bleakness. Or maybe not, since it's bothering me enough to write this.

 

I'm ashamed of feeling this way. Objectively, I look at my life now and I wonder what on earth I have to complain about. Anyone else would say I've got my crap together. But inside I don't. Inside I'm small and lost and scared that this is all there will ever be. I don't know where to go from here-- if this is recovery, it doesn't feel like anything I'd imagined.

 

I think I spent three years telling myself that if I hung on, if I worked hard and did the best I could-- if I was a Good Girl, in other words-- then my efforts would be recognized, and I'd be awarded my Get Out of Hell card. Now I'm starting to see that this really is permanent, there's no parole-- hell is a life sentence, and I'm in solitary confinement. Even Satan has turned his back on me.

 

Apologies for the grim (not to mention egocentric) content. Lately I've developed an intense need to be heard, but there hasn't been anybody to listen. I've exhausted whatever support I had-- the statute of limitations runs out for everyone else pretty quickly, after all. Y'all are all I have left, but I may be as much an outsider here as I am everywhere else. If that's the case, I'm sorry to intrude. And sorry to sound so pathetic, but I needed to get this out.

 

Peace,

 

Jen

[Monique]

No need to apologize! I for one may be nearly 3 years behind you on this journey, so I don't have much experience to draw from, but I can still be sympathetic. I'm sorry you're feeling that emptiness again... I imagine none of us will ever completely escape it. Life is changed forever when you lose the person you love. But I hope that there are better days ahead for you, and I'll be here listening. Hugs...

[BrokenHeart2]

I'm with Monique too Jen, I'll be here listening as well.  Keep posting and hang on girl. One day at a time. 

Hugs to you

[Mizpah]

You will always belong here.  I only wish we could alleviate your suffering.  You're in my heart and in my hopes.

[bromans]

No need to apologize! I for one may be nearly 3 years behind you on this journey, so I don't have much experience to draw from, but I can still be sympathetic.

You will always belong here.  I only wish we could alleviate your suffering. 

 

I'll echo these thoughts, and I'll be here listening. Hugs.

 

[Lisa]

please dont apologize and by all means keep posting, I know it feels like back sliding, but it isnt. grief changes. you may feel as if you are at day one but you arent. 3 years is a weird time. I thought I was doing well but I was out of control.

It takes much longer to be at peace with your past and present, please dont judge yourself. be kind to yourself.

hugs

[Guest oneoftwo]

Jen, Monique

(I was too tired to reply when I first read the original, sole two posts on this thread)

 

This is the reason I keep coming back to widda.org

There is someone who will write what is in my head, and someone who will reply with kindness

 

thank you

 

[Monique]

oneoftwo-

 

Hugs to you too. I know what you mean- sometimes I don't have the right words to express what I'm feeling, but then I find someone here who DOES, and just reading other's experiences helps me to feel less alone.

[Euf]

I wrote something similar on the old board at around 3 years.  I wrote it a few more times as the years went by.  I worked so hard and made progress but when I actually looked at where I was, it seemed such a small step forward compared to the work and agony and frustration I’d been through. I tried not to compare myself to others but it was hard not to.

 

Every word you wrote. . .read that again. . . EVERY WORD YOU WROTE describes how I felt for what seemed like longer than everyone else.

 

One of the old time widows back on YWBB (I forget who it was) used to say that most of her healing happened between 5 and 10 years and it happened without her really noticing it.  I guess now I get to be the old time widow that says that.  I don’t mean things didn’t improve before 5 years but simply that between 5 & 10 years I started making leaps forward instead of inching my way through life. Still some backsliding but overall I kept going in the right direction.

 

I was what I considered a slow griever.  Maybe you are too.  So I just wanted to say that I did find my way through grief and came out on the other side of it.  I know how discouraging it seems at the point you are at but I am sending you a message from the future.

 

It’s OK to still feel the way you feel so try not to get  too discouraged. It may take longer than you once imagined. For some of us widowhood is a marathon and not a sprint but we still get to the finish line.

 

[trying2breathe]

Jen  Three years and then some, I can relate.  You're not an outsider.  Big big hugs to you, I'm listening too

[Wheelerswife]

3 years and 4 months. Some days I seem to have it together. Other days, I feel like I am falling apart. It doesn't always feel safe to talk about the falling apart part...

 

Maureen

[RemysWife]

Grief comes and goes in such waves. The board is here so you have a place to get those feelings out. We're here for you and it's always good to look for support when you need it. ((Hugs))

[Julester3]

You do belong here with the rest of us - I sometimes feel we are the real island of misfit toys. There is no wrong or right. There are days we will feel fine and days where we can't even contemplate the day at all. I still refuse to make any long term plans for myself. We do what we can to move from moment to moment and move onward. Point is we are but it doesn't matter how quickly or slowly - time is in arbitrary here in our own life space. There are days where nothing will make sense and days we will have such acute clarity. Hugs for you today - you may think you've exhausted your resources but you haven't.

[Jen]

I wanted to respond to these last night, but it's hard to type when you're crying. Thank you all for your words and your understanding. I look around at other wids, other members of my "class" and even some a few months behind, and it seems like so many have... moved on. Found their new lives. New peace of mind. New love. Things I don't have and probably never will. I don't understand what's wrong with me (independent of my wid-hood, I've just always felt like an alien)-- I'm introverted and solitary by nature, so why am I so lonely? I used to write stories in which heroic princesses made daring rescues of innocent monsters from the clutches of nefarious knights-- so why in hell am I so hung up on the idea that I need to be saved? Why do I think re-coupling is the only way to survive this?

 

My rational self, if there is such a thing, doesn't really believe that. My pitifully scarred heart begs to differ. I honestly don't know how to reconcile the two. I get angry at myself when I start to slide into self-pity and despair-- I'm fine, I'm FINE, I have everything I need and the means to obtain most anything I want, so SHUT UP. Truthfully, there is very little that I do want, anyway. So why the moping and longing and aching for what's missing?

 

I feel like there are two Jens in here, and I don't know how to integrate them. They want diametrically opposite things, and they're both pretty insistent. I guess that means there's a third, the one writing this, who just wants some peace and quiet...

 

I swear I'm not as crazy as I sound. I have a professional's endorsement on that! I just... I'm lost. Still. I'm okay but I'm not. Mostly I feel like the clock is ticking and I'm no closer to resolving this than I was three years ago. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life, but I can't see any alternative. It's like that old bear hunt song we sang in preschool: "can't go around it, gotta go through it." But haven't I gone through it long enough???

 

There's a line in Pierre, Natasha, and the Great Comet of 1812, referring to a folk divination technique-- you look into a mirror holding a candle and you'll see your future (a doting husband and lots of fat babies, if you're a 19th century Russian girl): "I see nothing but the candle in the mirror, no visions of the future, so lost and alone... " That plays pretty much nonstop in my head, while I protest that it doesn't matter, I'm perfectly fine. I should be, anyway. I've had three years to get over this. I barely remember how to be a wife or partner anyway. Why does it still feel like damnation?

 

I'm all over the place here. Thank you for letting me get it out of my brain.

[Mizpah]

It is NORMAL to want love.  There's NOTHING "wrong with you" for feeling lonely.  Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert or any of the (often nonsensical, constricting) classifications and definitions we impose upon ourselves, we crave closeness and care and connection, by creature nature.  For me, grief showed me that I needed to let go of what I thought I was, and let myself be.  You don't need to be saved and re-coupling isn't the only way to survive it, but didn't our lost loves show us that love is, as DH used to say, the ultimate prize in life?  We seek it, even when we wish we wouldn't, even when we don't want to, even when we wish we could just be satisfied with what we have.  Don't do this to yourself: "I've had three years to get over it, what's wrong with me?"  A life was extinguished.  Your life was hugely altered.  It's bad enough to feel so bad, but to feel badly about feeling bad....  Let yourself off the hook a little.  Don't judge yourself for wanting what we all want.  I hope you find some peace, and what you're longing for. 

[Trying]

I love what Mizpah said.  We all need to treat ourselves with the same gentleness and understanding that we treat each other.  You have every right to your feelings, as conflicting as they may seem at times.  I also think it is natural to crave connection to another person, we all had that once so wanting it again makes sense, not as a "fix" but as an enhancement to our complicated lives. 

 

Something I am working on with myself that struck me with your post is learning to enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the destination.  Easier said than done but the future can be daunting and full of so many unknowns.  This and the temptation to compare ourselves to others.  For you it's fellow wids here, for me it's other mom's on damn FB with their perfect lives and perfect kids.  I know that it's mostly illusion but I often fall into the trap of feeling less than. 

 

You belong here, nothing is wrong with you.

[Jen]

(((Hugs))) Thank you for hearing me. It helps more than I can say. I keep telling myself this will pass, feelings change... it feels like a lie. I don't want to stay mired here and then wake up one day to find that I've wasted ten years, fifteen, more. I'm so tired of being miserable, but I can't manage to hold onto anything else. Maybe the problem is that, deep down, I think I deserve misery.

 

Statistics aren't on my side, as far as Chapter 2 chances go. If I could just accept that, it might help... so far, no dice. Sigh.

 

 

 

 

[Suki1]

Hi Jen, I'm just a couple of months behind you on the timeline. When I first found YWBB, months after my husband's passing, I would read your posts and think, "But that's exactly how I feel!" Some of the things I was thinking, I didn't dare tell anyone I knew. Not that they would have understood, anyhow. But so many of your posts echoed my thoughts, and reading what you wrote made me see I wasn't entirely alone. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. There were days when I read some of them over and over again. I will always be grateful to you for posting so honestly.

 

Nobody ever asks me how I'm doing. Nobody even seems to remember that I once had a husband I loved. This is still the one place I know I can come where people will understand. So don't feel you don't belong, or aren't welcome. We're here to help each other, and burdens are lighter when you have someone to help you carry them.

 

Sending you LOTS of hugs.

[Mrskro]

"I see nothing but the candle in the mirror, no visions of the future, so lost and alone... " That plays pretty much nonstop in my head, while I protest that it doesn't matter, I'm perfectly fine. I should be, anyway. I've had three years to get over this. I barely remember how to be a wife or partner anyway. Why does it still feel like damnation?

 

Jen; 

 

I'm a bit behind you, timeline wise, in 4 months and a bit, it will be 3 years,  my God how did it get to be three years. 

 

I've missed you on the board and your honesty,  I could never put into words the way I felt like you did, but I heard you, I am you.  I'm sorry, I couldn't say, well write my feelings out like you did, maybe I should have to help you too. 

 

In so many ways, I'm over the loss of my partner, my husband, I am definitely not over the loss of my kids father.  I know that part never goes away. 

 

I sit here and wonder where I went.  I am an introvert too, honestly most of the time I'd rather be home by myself, work takes most of my socializing energy away, and at this point anyone I'd like to have socialized with is tired of me.  My DH was my energy, he helped me deal with people, he helped me get the energy I needed to deal, and now that's gone too.  But I used to be able to, I used to love being around some people, now I decline invites more than I accept. 

 

I don't know if it's dealing with the kids and their lives, their friends without a buffer sucks any life out of me that I may have had, or if its this shitty hand I've been dealt.  My therapist says I'm an introvert, dealing with people is draining,  I think I need a new one,  I knew that going in. 

 

Anyway, I could ramble on, but please know you are not an outsider.  And I hear you!

 

 

 

 

[Bunny]

Thank you for starting this thread. Your words have always moved me and I've been worrying about you. It's funny how much love you can have in your heart for a complete stranger. It feels like this site has not yet made it to the place the old board had reached, where people felt more comfortable sharing the raw and ugly and scary feelings. I think it's important to keep posting stuff like this (please). Hopefully it will inspire someone else to feel safe enough to be completely honest about where their head is at.

 

I'm also a slow griever. It's five years next month (and I am in a good relationship) and I am struggling still. But it is different, evolving, and I'm having trouble putting any of it into words, so most of the time I just don't try anymore. It feels embarrassing, or something. I do remember the long time widow Euf mentioned from the old board (all that lost wisdom makes me so sad) and her words give me hope that it won't always be like this.

 

Keep writing -even when it feels stupid and pointless and whiny. Keep sharing- even when it feels you are the last one straggling behind everyone else. Because there are people reading your words who are not bold enough to share their own but need desperately to see they are not alone.

[BrokenHeart2]

Very well said Bunny!!

[Jen]

I was trying to explain to a coworker earlier how I feel these days. I don't miss Jim-- I mean, yes, of course I miss him, I always will-- but it's not the constant ache it used to be. Now more than anything I miss... belonging. Being part of a unit. No matter who I'm with these days, I'm on the outside looking in. I can't imagine ever finding another partner-- I guess it's technically possible, but so is my winning the powerball while getting struck by lightning. Anything is possible... it's just not very likely.

 

People tend to laugh uncomfortably when I express this opinion, but they don't contradict me, either. Lately that's made me very bitter. What's so terrible about me, that nobody could ever want me? I know I think that about myself, but does everyone else have to think it as well?

 

I feel like such a failure in life. I blew my one chance at lasting happiness because I didn't take care of what I had. I took him for granted, and discovered too late that he was literally one in 7 billion. Now I get to spend the next three or four decades repenting at leisure.

 

I know this is not the sort of attitude that is going to get me very far. Self-pity is ugly and pointless. But that's where I am, and I don't know how to get out.

 

Thank you. All of you. *hugs* It helps to be heard.

 

 

[MR]

I am only 9 months out and some days are difficult to handle then others. Reading all above kind of made me sad but also prepare me for what will or can come.

Hugs

[Jen]

Reading all above kind of made me sad but also prepare me for what will or can come.

Hugs

 

I am so, so sorry. That's exactly why I hesitate to post, because I don't want to scare anyone. Maybe I should start with "results not typical " or something... "your mileage may vary." From where I sit, I'm more the exception than the rule-- but that could just be my personal bias. We're all the tragic hero (ine) of our own dramas, you know?

 

In my mind, I'm stuck in purgatory while all around me I see "classmates" moving on, graduating, getting out. My rational side knows better, but it gets drowned out by the melodramatic woe-is-me side that's forever shrieking, "DOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!"

 

I see others get through and move forward. I have no doubt that it's possible, even likely-- for anyone but me. I'm pretty much convinced that this is the end of the line. I would love to be proved wrong, but...

 

Sometimes I want to yell and scream "it's not fair!" at the top of my lungs, even though I'm aware that life isn't fair and plenty of people are worse off than I am and it is what it is and so on... I have a meltdown and post here, because it's safe and I feel understood. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, lonely and sad and resentful. Right now I don't see any alternative. But that's just me-- my doom, my Shakespearean tragedy. Most people seem to do better.

 

Please forgive my self-absorbed wallowing. I just really needed to talk it out a bit.

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey Jen, do you ever take the time to "yell and scream "it's not fair!" at the top of my lungs"?  Sometimes it can be cathartic.  Lord knows I have done it and I must admit it helps! You have no idea if you are the only one feeling this way at your time frame.  You never know if others are reading and thinking "wow, glad I'm not the only one".  Cut yourself some slack and just keep on going. 

One other thing I do, is not compare myself to anyone else.  I'm the only one that has walked in my shoes and it does me no benefit to compare myself to others.  We are all unique in our own quirky ways! Wouldn't this world be so boring if we were all the same.

Hugs to you.