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still_lost

For those who wanted more children

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I have one son who is now nine, but he was 18 months old when my husband died. I wanted to try for another child when my son was three, but I never got the chance. I'm grateful for my little boy everyday because without him, I wouldn't be alive. Those early days took a lot out of me, but my son was my reason for getting up and living. I have always wanted to have another baby, but at 36 and no hopes of a relationship or marriage, I find myself sad at the thought of not being able to have another one. I feel cheated on a few different levels. I've let go of my expectations, or hopes rather, of being married again, but the baby one is harder for me to shake. Have any of you felt like this?

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The baby thing is hard to shake no matter the circumstance. I wanted more kids than the 2 we had. My husband was content with 2 kids and said he wasn't interested in any more. I tried to talk him into it, persuade him but he did not budge. I spent 3 years really down in the dumps over it. Now that we have lost him, it makes me sadder, I never got my little boy with his father's curly brown hair and mischievous grin in his image. I do love my girls and I am grateful for them. I sort of tell myself that Josh did me a favor and was much smarter leaving me with the number of kids I can actually handle on my own. There won't be any more kids for me because the dating thing never went down for me and now in my forties, I have female issues that all women in my family get. So it's only a matter of time when I need to get a hysterectomy. So the grieving of the kids we dreamed of can happen even before we lose our partners.

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. . . . I have always wanted to have another baby, but at 36 and no hopes of a relationship or marriage, I find myself sad at the thought of not being able to have another one.

 

 

Of course I don't know how you feel but never say never. My brother and SIL had their last when she was 51. On purpose. No issues and a lovely child.

 

Best wishes - Mike

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I lost DH when I was 32, a couple months before he was to start a new job and we were to begin trying to start a family.  I think two was the plan.  But then years of my life disappeared into grief, and I hadn't wanted kids before him, so I just assumed it wasn't to be - I was ok with it, but was angry that the choice had been taken from me.  Now, years later, I have a 3-year-old, and no resources (financial, personal, real estate, etc.) to have another, and am getting on up there in terms of risk.  I feel sad for my kid that she won't have a full sibling (has a half, but doesn't live with us), and I feel sad that I didn't have the sort of pregnancy and early baby experience I had hoped to have/assumed most people have, and I love babies more than ever.  There are many reasons I'm ok with not having another, but also reasons it kinda breaks my heart.  Death steals.

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I lost my husband when my son was only 9 months - I had always intended to have one more but since I had my son at 40...I simply have run out of time. I kept my pregnancy stuff for a while after being widowed  just in case I met someone but it never happened. I'm so happy and fortunate to have my son (who's is happy and healthy) but I wistfully think about our other child that never was. And my son (now age 5) keeps asking me to grow a brother or sister!

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Sometimes I feel like you write my words still_lost. I always wanted a lot of children but I was willing to settle on three. My husband wanted only one so I guess he won. Our son was very premature and spent two months in the hospital. I never got the "normal" pregnancy or birth, taking baby home, and breastfeeding experiences. I went from having a midwife attended hospital birth to learning about perinatologists and neonatologists. I worried about long term risks of his prematurity. We waited two years and I went to see a specialist to have a plan if I become high risk again. We bought a bigger home, got pregnant, and I had a miscarriage two months before my husband died in an accident.

 

I was widowed at 36 years, with a two year old toddler, in a new home, on the day that we were to try again, almost two months to the day. On that day my life came crashing down hard.

 

Other than losing my husband, giving up my dream of another child was the worst grief to deal with, and we lost a lot. I was forced to sell our home and staged the third bedroom with our baby stuff. It broke my heart every time that I went in there. I bawled my eyes out. Going through the garage, my husband's stuff, and our baby stuff was more than I could manage at times. My current MD delivers babies so I avoided appointments with her for years. I just couldn't see the pregnant women and their partners.

 

I'm too old to have another baby now and my son is almost nine years old. He has physical and mental health issues, and learning disabilities. He's a lot for me lately. This isn't the life that I planned. He has been both a burden and a blessing. I think that you know what I mean still_lost.

 

The psychological pain of not holding another baby will forever exist. But my guilt of the not so perfect childhood that my son endured after his father's death will always make me feel guilty too.

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I found out I was pregnant with our son ten days after the accident.  That ten days was hard!  I lost my entire family.  I was 35 and knew it was not going to happen...and then one day I looked down and wondered why, if I was so skinny (I lost so much weight in those days),  did I have that little belly? 

 

I was just talking to some school mom friends the other day, about a little girl I had seen who looked like the little girl we might have had, had we been able to have another.  She looked so much like him.  She was beautiful!  :)

 

It's been a hard go...watching my little guy struggle with being an only.  He told me the other day he is going to have fifteen children;  I think to make up for it.  He used to beg me in the car for siblings.  But it is not to be.  I recently came to know a foster baby who has issues, who I've fallen in love with.  But I couldn't say yes to adopting him, because his future is so unpredictable and I remember how achingly hard those years were when I was doing everything alone...I just didn't know if I could handle any major challenges on my own.  I think I've made the wrong decision.  I'll never know.  I wish there was a more clear indication of what was a good decision and what was a poor one. 

 

Rambling now...sorry.  Yes, I wanted more children.  But I also want to be careful to not end up back when it was really difficult to manage.  The conflict is unbearable in some ways...

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yes, I would have wanted more than one child too. I totally understand where you are coming from. I am 47 now and the man I would have actually considered as a potential child father for a sibling for my boy walked out after 2 months and until I meet somebody who might make me want to think like that again , it will be too late. A lot of too  lates....

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I have been feeling this a lot this year. I wanted 2. A boy and a girl. My DD was 10 months old when a car wreck stole her father from us. I feel so guilty when I am worn out and ask her to play solo for a bit so I can sit down for a minute, or read a few pages, just have some time..... she is 3 now, and I probably would have been pregnant now if my DH had lived. It hurts terribly, and I am with you in sadness....

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We were to start trying for a baby that year but Ken passed away before we got to it so I will never be a mum.  

Edited by Bubu27

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He only had one biological child. A beautiful girl, who is becoming a beautiful young lady (she's 13). We started dating when my daughter was 4 and my son was 8 months old. His bio took off right after we found out I was pregnant. So DH was all he ever knew as daddy. We had papers at the attorney's office ready to be signed for adoption when he suddenly passed. 

 

DH had been getting sicker but still wanted another baby. He said he wanted to complete our family. I reluctantly agreed. Then some lady health issues came up and we had to put it on hold while I took the pill for a while. One month into the pill, I found out I was pregnant. He was thrilled...I was not as thrilled. I lost the baby 8 days later. We decided to try again. That was in Nov 2018. DH passed in March 2019. 

 

I have since decided that babies are out of the question, even in the future. I feel cheated all the time, however. We were given an unexpected blessing and robbed of it so quickly. Then I lost him so I didn't have the chance to have our baby. It's a cruel world sometimes. 

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