Complicated greif

[imissdow]

Long story but I went to see a therapist Saturday. At the end of intake I asked what she was going to diginoise me with. She said probally complicated greif. Now, I'm 6 years out. I go to work every day, take care of 3 kids and a dog. Volenteer, work out, dance and lots of other stuff. I don't cry a ton anymore but I do sometime get weepy. I remember my lh rather fondly and still miss him a ton. My life for the most part is good. The only other big thing is all the guys I dated have issues with me still loving my lh. I doubt that's likely to change even with therapy. So it typically ends up being a deal breaker. I've been told by several people that I'm not "over " my lh.

I don't know that I've ever fully grieved him, my middle dd had a very rough time and I suspect I pushed my stuff down to help her deal with her stuff. So anyone have some helpful ideas, thoughts apart from the argument that we never "get over" the death of someone.

Anyone done therapy for this? What was helpful? I did do trauma therapy and it helped a ton . I would probably do edmr again if it was offered.

[donswife]

I have been reading up on the complicated grief a bit lately

I had never heard the term before but in a way it makes sense of something that doesn't

Not sure how one is supposed to get over still loving lh

would love to hear anyone's perspective and if they have done therapy for it

 

 

 

[2ManyQuestions]

Complicated grief - Never heard of it.

 

Interesting read............ Thanks for sharing !

[MissingSquish]

EMDR helped me a ton with my diagnosis of complicated grief. It's been 5 years since my husband passed, and I realize that I will likely always miss him, and that's ok. I've created a great life for myself since he's been gone, and I've decided that I'm not looking to get married again. 

 

The only thing that I miss now is companionship, and I've started to approach my dating life as such. I'm fine with being celibate and having meaningful friendships.

 

What has helped me the most with my complicated grief is to learn how to self-soothe and heal. I journal my feelings every day as well as my excercise, food intake and activities. I can easily see what things help to fill me up and make me feel fulfilled and happy in my life as it is RIGHT NOW, and what is draining me and what makes me feel helpless, upset and triggers my grief.

[imissdow]

I did edmr therapy 2 years ago, helped a lot. Had a reason other then greif to go and I'm glad I did. At that point I was told I had ptsd. Helped a ton. I basically feel and think I'm doing pretty well, I have a good life, I exersize, take dance classes, have friends I go out with, Volenter ,work and try to eat reasonablity well. Life is good. I just have this undercurrent of missing my LH. I have come to the conclusion that I would never not miss him. I just really want another relationship and that seems impossible. Maybe like you I just need to accept being celibate  and learn to be content with my friendships.

 

[jeudi]

I've never had therapy for my grief so I can't speak to that.

 

I have a pretty practical attitude and part of that wonders why anyone would expect me not to miss someone that I loved who is gone? I will always miss John, always have moments when I wish I could show him something, tell him something, ask his opinion, have a conversation with him. Play music for him.

 

John has been dead for 15 years (soon). I am happily remarried. My new husband is a great guy with whom I have a great relationship, one where I can share my thoughts and experiences but telling him my day is not like telling John my day. Two different people, two different points of view. /

 

My experiences of moving through grief have not included "getting over" so much as "getting accustomed" to the loss. I've also had a very strong feeling that I am here to live more life yet. John died, not me, which came as a surprise early on. The way it felt to not be joined was hard to accept. Who I was/ am without him was a novel thought at first.

 

I've put this loss in its proper place. I feel like I still have a relationship with my late husband. I think of him many times every day but that doesn't have any negative connotations for me. I don't talk about this with folks who wouldn't understand and thus avoid negative comments about it. I say to myself, Hey, if you don't have a dead husband you just wouldn't get it.

 

John gives me signs, which is nice. Sometimes when I hit a hard spot I ask him to throw me a sign and he does. I still weep over my loss but it no longer sends me up the hill to scream (something I did in my early days). Now it is quickly resolved. A micro burst of tears.  I miss him. How could I not? He isn't here...so I miss him. He was such a great guy, so funny, so smart, so sexy, my beautiful husband.

 

Having another partner doesn't have anything at all to do with my feelings about John.

 

I was lonely without someone daily in my life. I was lucky enough to find someone and now I am no longer lonely. He is a widower so he understands my love for my departed former husband.

 

I enjoy my life so much. It is filled with goodness and laughter. The sunrise and sunset are gorgeous! There are books to read and movies to watch and the future lays before me in enticing ways. John wants me to go on in this world. I want me to go on in this world.

 

So, imissdow...all I have to say is of course you miss your DH. Of course! This condition doesn't mean you suck or that you are wrong to do so. It doesn't mean you can't add something or someone into your life. If you want to add a man you will find someone who doesn't expect you not to still love your late husband.

 

Why would you cease to love him just because he died?

 

The last thing I want to do is compare your DH to a dog but maybe when you encounter someone who doesn't get it, you can find out if they ever had a dog they loved. Bet they might get this analogy. Once I had pretty much the world's greatest dog. When I think of him I miss him- he was terrific- noble, smart, sweet, funny. I've had dogs since that weren't any of these things but I still loved them in their own ways. Right now I have a dog I love so, so much. He is nothing like the one I describe as the world's greatest dog but I think he is the greatest nonetheless. He is just so great! Cuddly, hilarious, adorable and super soft. He has an amusing pair of ears that are also very velvety. When he looks at me I melt.

 

All the best for you...

 

Judy