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Guest TooSoon

I lost my shit in the 6-12 month time frame.  In a big way.  It was horrific.  How is everyone doing?

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I'm at about the 9 month mark now.  I have finally come out of the shock and the initial fog.  I still cry nearly every day though.  Some people I've run into recently still don't know and commented on how "drawn" I look.  Well, duh!  My world was shattered.  I shouldn't get mad at them but I do.

 

Some people still check on me, but others just seem to have forgotten that I exist.  Especially DH's family members.

 

My girls and I are spending the summer together.  Not doing much, but trying to plan ahead to their graduations at the end of next year (one will graduate college, the other will graduate high school).

 

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I remember sometimes longing for the early days when how I looked and felt was expected. Hugs to you.

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This was a good time on round 1 for me. I met the man who became my second husband. Crazy, but it worked.

 

This time frame was terrible on round 2. I had been diagnosed with cancer, my anxiety was through the roof and I didn't know what I was going to do with my life.

 

Fortunately, things have improved.

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I'm in the 8 month mark, and I feel like a zombie.

Numb to my new reality. I don't ever think life will be sweet for me but, I can appreciate the beauty in nature.

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I remember eight months being really hard for me.  Going through the motions, still in deep grief on the inside.  And I too looked to nature for my small comforts.  Even with a rebuilt life six years later, I still do.  I tried to take refuge in simplicity and simple things. 

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I'm at the 8 month mark as well. It just seems to get harder to accept and deal with. I also am shocked to see how his family has left us on our own. Our newborn was 10 weeks old when my husband was murdered and everyone made so many promises to us and my teenage son from previous relationship... "You're family, we lost 1 but gained 3", "you will never need anything, we'll take care of you", "we promised Sam we would always have your back"... In my case all of those promises proved to be empty within a few weeks of losing him, but now 8 months longer and I am struggling so much with the disappointment I feel towards them... 8 months in and I feel more lost than when it was just yesterday... I feel I will never stop hurting, I will never feel whole again... I am thankful for my 2 boys but also feel I am failing them for being in such a deep and dark depression... This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever gone through and I feel more alone than ever right now.

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Yes things certainly did for me look so very differently around that 8-9 month time frame.  It was very dark,lonely and painful time and place.  There was a statement on YWBB that I read and helped to sustain me at the time.

"If you're going through hell, just keep going"  Winston Churchill.

I realized that I wasn't alone in hell and others kept going and so can I and you can too.  Keep going.  It didn't stay that hell for me and I pray it doesn't for you.  You can do this and you're not alone although you probably feel at many times that you are.  We are here to listen and help how we can.  I don't know what I would have done without all the amazing caring people here that helped me survive hell.

Hugs to all of us. XO

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I'm at almost the one year mark and my emotions seem to just be all over the place lately. Today at work I was doing fine and then I went on break and was completely blindsided by an overwhelming amount of pain and sadness, all I wanted at that moment was to just be able to hear his voice again.

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Today is my six-month mark, so I guess I will officially announce myself.

 

Been a mess all week.

 

The "shock wears off, reality sets in tag line" is so true. Even though he had Stage 4 cancer, I was deeply in shock for the first weeks/months. I have felt like curtains get opened every month or so that allow a little more of the deep grief to be unveiled, and I think this week maybe three or four curtains got pulled back at once.

 

No kids, just me and the cats. Mom died a few years ago. Friends have gone back to their lives. Every day I feel like I have my nose pressed up against a plate glass window, looking at everyone else living the life I don't have anymore.

 

 

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I remember sometimes longing for the early days when how I looked and felt was expected. Hugs to you.

 

And when I was practically catatonic and didn't do anything.  Now I'm expected to do normal things and I still can't.... at 18 months.

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I'm at 15 months. I've found myself thinking about him more lately and have been a bit more emotional than normal. I think the time of year gets hard though with the holidays. Plus I've found out that colder months I tend to get less sleep. He always did so much during the winter - stock piling wood, working with the wood burner, etc...it gets tiring.

I still think, is this it? I'm always going to have this sadnesses during this life. Like there is just this lingering shadow over me I am never going to shake.

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I'm at 4 years now, but I remember hitting the absolute lowest point at about 6-8 months. I partied like crazy every weekend and at times in between too (student life..). I have almost no memories of that time - some hazy flashes that almost all have something to do with partying and pretending to be ok. Definitely not proud of that period of time.

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Jennica, I've said this before, but I bought into this insane notion that if I could just make it to 6 months, then everything would magically and miraculously be ok again.  Like the grief switch would get turned off.  This must have been some sort of coping mechanism initially but what it set up was a spectacular crash.  I took my daughter to Paris for 2 weeks with friends right around 6 months.  I was not ok but I was functioning.  But I will never, ever forget the moment we walked back into this empty house and I was standing on our porch thinking, "Holy shit.  This is it.  I am actually going to have to do this."  And then the crash and it was not pretty.  Our culture - and many of my then friends here in suburbia and my parents - all thought there was an expiration date on grieving.  Six months and shazzam!  Its all over now!  I definitely proved them wrong on that one.  It took me another eight months or so to pull myself together.  By 18 months, I was starting -  starting - to see a light at the end of the tunnel, starting to sort some of it out.  Be kind to yourself.  I expected and demanded way too much of myself and in the end paid for it dearly.  You're going to find your way. 

 

Christine

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Creeping up on the 1 year mark... Still struggling horribly. My mom is my main support. Everyone else faded away very soon after losing my husband and father of my kids. It's been just me for about 11 months now, and of course my mother. Still not sure how I'm still standing. Our first baby together was only 10 weeks when it happened, now he's just over a year. Haven't been able to go back to work. Basically just surviving each day still. People's inconsiderate comments make me angry, they assume I should be back to "normal" by now. I cry every day, some days all day. I feel dead inside, only here thanks to my kids. Wish I could leave a more uplifting response but unfortunately this is where I'm at. Just hoping one day it gets better. To all

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Mishka, keep going, one day or on minute at a time.  Hang in there and it will get better.  Everyone's timeframe is different and for me it took a while.  At nearly 5 yrs (May 30) I still have my moments but nothing near like the early days. I was like you at yr 1 so don't give up hope.  I too had those inconsiderate comments from DGI's, how would they know what it's like until they walk a mile in your shoes. Stay true to yourself and you'll get there.

Hugs to you

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Mishka, hugs to you. So many hugs.

 

Im at almost 22 m8nths and it has gotten softer. Took over a year. Still wanted to drive off a cliff at 1 year. Still have bad times every single day but overall it's gotten softer. Gradually it finally will. Till then, one moment at. A time

 

More hugs

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Bumping up this conversation in case there is someone in this time frame peeking their heads up from the early days' dark fog who wants to connect and share.

Hugs. You aren't alone.

 

 

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 I do not venture much into earlier time frames, but I did notice recently that this section has been very quiet and it worried me because this was probably the most difficult period for me. It was an agony unlike the first 6 months, which I assumed couldn’t get any worse- boy, was I wrong about that! The shock had indeed worn off and my pain had sunk deep down into my bones and overwhelmed me to the point I could not imagine ever healing at all.  I think it was during this time I discovered zoning out binge-watching TV shows on Netflix - ones that had lots and lots of episodes.

 

So, if any of you are feeling this way, just hang on and do the best you can- without self-judgement. Each of our paths is unique, and we are all just doing the very best that we can with this horrible, unbelievable, shitty thing called widowhood. It does become much more manageable with time. 

 

Peace. 

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Thanks for bumping, Bunny.  This was a really tough time for me too, as somebody else previously posted it's when you begin to realize how long forever really is.  Those that surrounded us and helped out in the early days were no longer there, it was the time to figure out how to move forward and begin to function again. 

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