Going Backwards

[SemperFidelis]

I guess I disappeared from this board for a while now..... I've been pretty busy with school and I guess losing my mind.

 

I had got involved with that guy 3 months after my loss(July 2015) and really thought that I was building something good and positive for my future and I was really optimistic early on in my loss..... I had a lot of stamina and Hope. And then 14 months into the relationship(23dec 2016) I terminated it on the grounds that he was dishonest.....then I learned that he had been cheating on me the entire time....... It's still mind fucking with me...... I feel like all of this progress that I thought that I was building was a sham. All of the grief work that I was doing and forward movement I was making..... None of it was real.... I mean it felt real and it would have been real if what he was giving me was real but it wasn't real..... It was all bullshit. I can acutely remember feeling joy in September of 2016.... He had just met my parents and my brother who all came in from out of the area.... And I felt Joy which I didn't know I could feel..... But it was all bullshit. The day before and the day after he was fucking other bitches and soliciting women off of Craigslist for sex.

 

And then somehow I ended up in contact with him again when my car broke down and I had no one else to reach out to and help me. You see. I'm something of a hermit. I don't have friends. My family all lives far away. I have no one. Literally. I am a student so financially I really don't have great options. It started off as just a functional thing..... Where I thought to myself, I should logically keep this person around as much as I'm disgusted by him completely..... He is a resource that I can't afford to dispose of..... He owes me after all doesn't he? What's the harm in allowing him to pay me back something that he can never actually fully Pay back? He has of course been under the impression that he could win me back and I have of course been under the impression that that is impossible and I am simply keeping him around because he serves a purpose.

 

And I regret to say that that purpose is beyond functional now. It is now dysfunctional. Dysfunctional because at this point I simply don't want to be alone.. He is a vile and disgusting human being and is doing a disservice to my grief process. I am deeply hungry for a real relationship and I deeply want to be a wife again. I am lonely and I'm close to Rock Bottom. I am losing my mind it seems. I am losing hope bit by bit day by day. I do not have all of the stamina and the strength that I once had. I no longer see the light and Hope for a different future. I am so stringent in my criteria for what I will and can connect to in a man.... It seems impossible to even ask for.

 

I asked myself what will happen if I cease contact with this dirtbag..... My fear is that I will really and truly break rock bottom because I will be isolated. My sliver of Hope is that it will be a catalyst of change and even if it is extremely painful I hope that it will be what I need. But the idea of having absolutely nobody to even talk to..... Is such a terrifying Prospect. I don't know how to express that. Whenever I get the courage to expel this person from my life I will literally have nobody. I will be confronted with the same position that I was in when my husband died. I will be in the position of having nobody again.  I am telling you this..... Mankind humankind is not meant to be alone.... We are meant to have companionship and friendship and love in one form or another. We are meant to have touch and intimacy..... Soul connection. When I connected with my own husband I felt the burden of the lack of these things finally lifted and I felt truly human and whole and complete, and i grew and I blossomed into the best version of myself that I have ever known. I have clung to that person as strongly as I can since his death. And it is becoming harder and harder and harder with each day to hold on to that person because in spirit I am completely alone. I have the warm body and listening ear of this dirtbag and soon enough I won't even have those.

 

I diidn't used to allow myself to miss my husband. But I can no longer help it. I have gone from being so completely numb..... To feeling the pain of his absence everyday. I used to have such abundant hope for the future and I felt such deep conviction that my purpose in life was not over it had only changed form and shape and I was excited to see what Form and shape it would take.

 

I'm not happy in this new life. I've been trying so hard. I am ashamed of where I am still in contact with this dirtbag. But I also feel like then my husband left this Earth, he also left me in this fucking position. He left me to the Wolves in sheep's clothing. I just wish she could have held on longer and I wish that he could have hurt just a little bit less so that I wouldn't have to hurt so deeply. I thought that I would be fine and I thought that I would find the positive but all that positive. I feel like I should be further along by now.

 

I guess I just didn't know where else to go with this. Life just isn't what it should be is it?

[Mrs Reader]

Life isn't what it was supposed to be, true. It makes me sad to read this, I am so so sorry you had such a shitty luck running into this guy.

I don't know what to say, bacause you have all the answers already. You call him dirtbag and still crave his warmth.

But are you sure that letting go of him and going back to the point where you started would actually be worse than this? The loneliness, yes. But maybe if you faced the facts now would get you forward, as you didn't have time to do so before you got involved with Mr Disgusting.

 

I felt so so lonely and transparent and alienated for the first year (I have my kids though, so who am I to say really) and I went through my sorrow quite thoroughly, or so I thought. Now I am involved with a guy who is really nice to me and still I am confused, unsure, sometimes even uncapable of normal adult conversation with him.

So even with Mr Nice things are hard, strange and difficult. For me. Not him, as I don't articulate this he doesn't know.

I really don't know what to say to help you. But I know that the need of human connection is huge.

I know I am just blabbing, sorry about that. Basically I just wanted to give you a big hug  :'(

[Adley]

SF, life is hard enough. I cut someone off cold turkey and have zero regrets, only relief. One bad potato.....it can spread through the whole batch. Comfort and company can be great, but there are worse things than being alone. Wishing you the best.

[jgib]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You are still grieving and the dirtbag is stopping you from working it through.  I am not going to sugar coat it, to do what you already know is best will be rough BUT I believe completely worth it?

My first years were full of loneliness and sorrow but I now realize that I was actually numb for 2 years.  In a fog and numb......  to, after 2 years, actually start feeling again sort of sucked!  I thought I would have worked through it all by then.  I was mistaken......

I can't understand how you feel with what you are going through, but I can tell you that it is one of the reasons I have been so cautious about reconnecting with someone.