Remarriage and wedding vows

[Trying]

I have a question for those who have remarried.  We are working on our wedding vows and the ceremony and my fiancé asked if I would like to some how include Tim's memory or mention him during the ceremony.  I hadn't really thought it was appropriate but he said he would understand for my kids sake if I wanted to include him some how.

 

So did you include your late spouse in the ceremony? Is there a tactful way to do this without making finances family uncomfortable?

[BrokenHeart2]

I haven't remarried but why would he be mentioned in your union with your man.  This is about you and him.  You could both talk to your kids about Tim before the ceremony and acknowledge him then.  Your fiance is a very kind understanding man but this is about you and him and your union in life.  Just my opinion.  Congrats Trying!!

[Trying]

BH2 that had been my thought also but when he brought it up today it made me question what is right. He actually suggested I come here and ask my wise wids! 

[BrokenHeart2]

He is a very kind soul and sounds like he is trying to be accommodating.  I say make it about you and him.  Don't forget to thank him for his kindness and understanding  .  Sounds like you have a keeper Girl!! Best wishes to both and all of you!!

Hugs

 

[Wheelerswife]

Hello, my friend.

 

John and I had only 2 witnesses at our wedding, but our ceremony/vows mentioned a little about the circumstances that brought us together - something along the lines of finding each other after having suffered loss. I spontaneously leaned my head against John at that point and we both paused and took a couple of breaths, looked at each other and then back at the celebrant, informally indicating we were ready to continue with our vows.

 

I have been to other weddings of widow friends. One couple lit candles for those people in their lives that had died.

 

I think it is less complicated with widow/widower couples than with widow(er)/divorcé(e) couples.

 

I think you should do what feels best for you and your kids.

 

Maureen

[Portside]

 

So did you include your late spouse in the ceremony?

 

 

No, we did not.  We felt to bring a mention of our late spouses into a fresh beginning would introduce a bit of sadness into a very joyful event.

 

All of our guests were well aware that we both had lost our previous spouses. As such, they were remembered in silence.

 

Good luck - Mike

[WifeLess]

Trying,

 

Bluebird and I met each other as a direct result of regularly posting for many months on the old YWBB (this site's predecessor) about the illnesses and tragic deaths of our spouses. So when we were planning our wedding 3 years later, we each felt strongly about acknowledging the lives we once shared with them. Also, several dozen of our wedding guests were themselves widows and widowers, almost all fellow YWBB members who had become our good friends. We consequently knew that they would relate quite well to our honoring the memories of our deceased spouses during our wedding ceremony. Bluebird and I are very glad that we did so that day, and in several ways that were both beautiful and meaningful to us.

 

But I can see that under different circumstances a couple might not feel this way, especially if only one of them has been widowed. In the end, I guess it’s a very personal decision.

 

—- WifeLess

[Christopher]

I think adding the fact that you have proven your commitment in a previous marriage, which ended properly with death as all marriages should, and will prove your love once more is a great way to cement the notion of your commitment.

 

Something like "As I have proven myself before in a marriage which ended as all marriages ought to, that being in death and only in death, I will love you relentlessly and until the very life inside of me leaves my bones or until yours leaves you. I will adore you with every beat of my heart, every breath that escapes my lips and every effort of my body. I will not leave you or forsake you. Only death can do us part, and this is good in my sight."

[Trying]

Thank you all for your input!  We have been working on the ceremony and vows, trying to make them personal and specific to our situation. I think my initial instinct that late husband does not belong in our ceremony is what is best. We will honor finances parents and my Dad who have passed and are with us in spirit. In my vows I will reference that fiancé came into my life at a time when I didn't know I wanted or was capable of loving again. Then we are each going to make vows to the other's children and he will say something about not being able to replace their Dad but promising to to care for and support them as if they were his own. I think that this will be respectful of my children without me feeling like I am taking anything away from my commitment to this marriage.

 

As a friend said to me, I can't really say I wish Tim was with us because I would never be getting married again if he was!

 

I realize I am very lucky to have found someone who cares so much about my needs and I try to show him my appreciation every day.

[Wheelerswife]

Ah. You have found your own way of acknowledging Tim. Bravo!

 

Maureen

[faye]

I would feel awkward to invite people to a happy event and steep it in sadness.

 

Anyone who knows me and New Guy well enough to be invited to a wedding knows the circumstances of our meeting and courtship.

[Sandi1970]

I wore DH's chain/cross when I remarried. He always would take it and put it over my head to keep safe, when he was in the hospital or something. He said that the cross was at the perfect length to be by my ❤️.

I'm also keeping his last name & adding my new husbands name. This was suggested by my new husband! We wrote our own vows and it was implied in mine that we met after tragedy.

[twin_mom]

Sandi, I'm so glad to hear you're keeping both last names.  I think this is what I want to do if I ever go through with marrying, and NG is fine with it, but others have said it's weird.

[Sandi1970]

Thanks!

I haven't had any weird comments on it, I think anyone that knows me enough to give an opinion knows my reasons & the only opinion that mattered was my new husbands. He was fine if I kept my name as is! He gets me & "it" more then I ever expect. Widower in a past life? Seriously! lol

[Trying]

I kept late husband's last name as my middle name and new husband's as my last name.  My maiden name was mine for 24 years, my first married name also 24 years but has more meaning to me because of my 3 children.  No one has said it is weird, at least not to my face!