New and young. Lost and broken

[SalvationsDying]

I'm 27. I've been with my husband for 7 years. Been friends for 11. He had high blood pressure and but was under the care of a dr. He was 33.

 

The 22nd on his way home from work he had a hemmoragic stroke. They said it caused brain stem bleeding. And he would have been brain dead before the emts showed up. He crashed into our neighbors cars. Totalled our suv and there truck. 5 houses from home.

 

We have 2 small kids. Our 5 year old dd started school this month. We have a 2 year old son. I was a stay at home mom. Now I'm alone with no job and 2 small kids.

 

We had plans. We should have had 50 more years. I'm angry, I'm broken, I'm sad, and numb at times.

 

I Still want to message him in the morning and ask what he wants for dinner. Or check my phone when I wake for my good morning message I always had. I check the clock to be ready by the door when he comes home. Then I remember he wont.

 

He was my other half. My soul mate. The only person I have been truly myself with for the last 11 years. I don't know how to do this alone.

[SalvationsDying]

Everyone keeps telling me I'm so strong, a inspiration. I sure as hell don't feel like it. I feel like I could fall to peices any second and never pull myself together. I Don't have a choice though. The kids need me. So I wake up everyday, have a moment of pure bliss, before I remember what a shit storm my life is at the moment.

[Wheelerswife]

Hello, SalvationsDying,

 

I am so terribly sorry you had to join our club.  A lot of us are told we are strong and inspirational and some of us don't like it or feel that way, either. 

 

Life can be incredibly unfair.  We all know it and you don't have to pretend to be anything here.  I wish you had been able to live in life's bubble of innocence for a lot longer.  You will find that you are not the only one here that is as young as you or who has been left to raise small children without their other parent.  I wish it wasn't so.

 

You have every right to be broken, numb and sad.  Many people around you won't understand what you are going through.  Some of those people will really try.  I have found that it takes a lot to trust people with thoughts and emotions after the loss of a spouse, but I had more support if I risked telling people my truth.

 

I hope you have people surrounding you who are offering to help you.  Many people don't know what to do or what to say.  Accept the help that people offer that is truly helpful.  Don't worry that your friends and family will feel burdened by helping you.  Often, they need to do something.  Let them mow your lawn, bring you meals, take your car for an oil change, watch your children, or sit and listen to you talk about your amazing husband.

 

You are right that we don't have a choice about continuing on.  It will not always be this intense or overwhelming, but hearing that might not help you in the moment.

 

Come here, read, post, vent to your heart's content. 

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

[WifeLess]

SalvationsDying,

 

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

 

I'm angry, I'm broken, I'm sad, and numb at times.

 

Yes, these are among the many conflicting emotions that most of us feel when we are newly widowed. I think a good description of our range of emotions in the early days and weeks of widowhood may be found in "Letter to a Friend":

 

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html

 

Sorry for the tragic loss that brought you here.

 

--- WifeLess

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Oh SD, I am so sorry for the loss of your DH.  I remember only too well those early mornings when you wake up and then.... remember.  Welcome to the group nobody wants to join but we are glad you found us.  This board is so full of amazing caring people that have been where you are today but only in their own way. When you are feeling like nobody 'gets you' just remember someone/some many here will get it and there is such tremendous support here too.  Post when you need it!  Early out for my this board was my literally my lifeline.

Yeah, it made me feel a bit crazy when people told me I was so strong.  Really?  Um, if only you really knew.  But we have no choice, we keep going on and you know what I've come to learn at over 4 yrs.... hell yeah, we are widow strong.  I believe only those of us that's been through it will get this. 

Giant gentle hugs to you.

[SalvationsDying]

Only one around me that truly knows how I feel is my MIL. She lost my husband's dad when he was a teen. So she has a general idea of the shit storm I'm in the middle of. Only she's 8 hours away.

 

I've never lived alone, and I've never parented alone. I feel overwhelmed by everything most of the time. And the smallest shit sets me off to tears.

 

Mil is talking about moving in with me, she's been looking for jobs in my area, but she's not sure.

 

Part of me hates that I look around and everything reminds me of him. But most of me is proud of what we built and who we were together.

 

I miss the stuff that used to drive me crazy. Pop bottles left on the counter or nightstand, hair on the bathroom sink, socks on the floor by the couch, his code red mountain dew in the fridge... Because without them I know he is gone. That doesn't make sense to most people I guess.

 

We were happy. We had plans. We finally got things to a stable, Apple pie sorta life. And here I am, with nothing but memories and shattered dreams.

 

Mostly how do I raise 2 kids to remember daddy and know he was amazing, when my son won't remember him at all? How do they deserve to grow up without him?

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Awe SD, sounds like you have much to be proud of in this devastating time.  And as for missing all that "stuff", yup I get that.  Looking back now I remember my first time in the grocery store.  Ugh.  Walked by the cheese popcorn and lost it.  Had to walk by all the cashes to get out of the store.  I was done shopping and didn't buy a thing.

It makes sense to us.

Hugs

[Trying]

I remember in my early months (years?) how I hated for people to tell me I was strong.  The last thing I felt was strong.  I felt like I was hanging on by a thread and very rarely had the luxury of completely falling apart because I had my children to take care of, a house to run and bills to pay.  This is the one place you can admit how totally devastated you are, that you are scared, lost, angry, in a fog, feeling like you have lost your mind and had your soul ripped from you.  We understand and my heart breaks knowing what you are going through. You won't be able to imagine it now but I will tell you anyway, 4 years later I am surviving, my kids are surviving and we all experience real joy again despite the hole that will always be in our hearts. 

[SalvationsDying]

I'm scared to move on even the smallest bit. I don't want to forget us. Him.

 

Also I'm a bit emotional at the moment, our daughter noticed her tooth was loose the day it happened. She was so excited to tell daddy when he got home. She never got to tell him. And it fell out about a half hour ago. She seems pkay. But it broke my heart. This is the 2nd major milestone he has missed. And it hurts.

[Trying]

You don't need to move on at this point, you just need to hang on.  Those missed milestones are a heartbreak, none of this is fair.

[JeanGenie]

SD,

I'm so sorry for you but I'm glad you found us. As others have already said, this is a place you can share what you're truly feeling and struggling with. It is not easy but you learn to survive and you will. For now, you take it hour by hour. Don't look too far ahead. And know we're here to support you. It sucks and unfair and we unfortunately get it.

[SalvationsDying]

Right now im overwhemed again.

 

I just miss him. I miss something as simple as holding hands. I'm already so lonely. How can I make it the rest of my life this way?

 

If not for the kids I don't think I could.

[Wheelerswife]

At this point, I didn't find it helpful to think about the long term. Right now, just focus on the next day or week. You have made it through each day so far. You will make it through the coming days as well. In time, you will find that you did make it through the unbearable. Tomorrow's concerns can usually be managed tomorrow.

 

I know it is hard. Your heart is broken. Keep writing what is on your mind if that helps you. We can handle it and it may encourage others to do the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Julester3]

I am sorry you are here with us! I totally agree - don't overwhelm yourself, don't make decisions long term until you are truly ready to. And, it's not a crime to draw energy from your kids to keep going. I do what I do for them and their future. I do better focusing on them and their well being over my own. You will find what will work for you and it will be okay. There are no rules, wrong way or right, only what will work for you. Hugs for you today.

[Stagger Onward Rejoicing]

  Looking back now I remember my first time in the grocery store.  Ugh.  Walked by the cheese popcorn and lost it. 

 

..For me it was the yogurt.  Our spouse is our life's companion and we know them so intimately.  It took awhile for me to forget about his favorite yogurt.

 

It is just the worst.

 

 

[Virgo]

I still hurt the most when I think long term. I thought "one day at a time" was lame advice, but it truly does help to think that way. Daily goals. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[SalvationsDying]

I've been, living I guess? Making it every day.

 

Its 8pm where I am. It is the worst about this time. I've been okay today. Didn't cry, didn't break down. Still sad and missing him. But now. It hurts to breathe, my chest hurts. It's this way nightly. I fall asleep on a wet pillow most nights. Unless I read until I fall asleep.

 

I want to be whole again

[Tsnre]

SD I feel your pain, everything you are writing I feel as if I'm experiencing at this very moment. I too have 2 small children and they seem to be what keeps me going day to day. My daughter also lost her very 1st tooth only a couple weeks after,  something we were working on pulling for a while so her daddy would have been proud. She learned to swim that same week and even had her 1st sleepover at a friends house. She was "daddy's girl" so I know it really hurts her not to be able to share that with him. Even my son at 2 just comes out with stuff sometimes of his memories with his dad...I hope he always remembers but sadly all he will have are the photos and things I've boxed up for him to have someday. My DH's accident was also only 4 houses from my inlaws. His parents have helped me with so much thru all of this and I am so grateful to have them close. They each have retired now and are taking care of watching the kids and getting them to school which I know is extremely stressful by itself let alone everything else we are dealing with.

I hope we each feel some comfort in these days to come ahead.

《Hugs》

 

[SalvationsDying]

Hey guys, just checking in.

 

Things are, rough. My husband worked a extremely dirty job, and would come home gross. I took a shower in his bathroom last night, and could see his hand print in dirt on the wall. I know I should clean it. I just cant.

 

I still haven't put away our laundry. I keep trying. But I keep coming across some of his clothes and it fcks with me.

 

Night time is horrible. I hate sleeping without him. Panic attacks and insomnia are taking over.

 

I just can't even be bothered with life right now.

 

 

[Julester3]

I have a dirty handprint on the inside of my garage that my husband left when tinkering with the garage door once. I see it every time I'm in the garage. It reminds me that he was there once.

 

As for sleeping, I used to have issues looking for his body to touch so I sleep on his side of the bed instead of mine and that helped. I also make myself eye tired by reading or crocheting before bed and that helped falling asleep. Try a few things and maybe something will work. Hugs!

[sojourner]

Don't wash it off, at least for now. And sorry if it sounds even weirder, but photogragh it. And save it, maybe print it out on a framed canvas at a photoshop, so even when it does disappear thru age or necessity or your will, if you want it, it's still there for you. Lh left a handprint on a screen at our former home- unlike him to lean on a window itself instead of it's framing, but cancer poisoned his brain and in many ways he wasn't himself in the last months.

 

The print is still there. And I have it recorded also, since I have to sell our dream house and have moved. Just my opinion, at over 3 years out.

[SalvationsDying]

Never would have thought to take a photo of it. I felt so dumb yet broken, standing in the shower looking at dirt, and crying.

 

We have a 78 vette we got from his brother. She's a project car. And his brother did some work before he deployed (which is why we had bought it from him), and we put a bunch of work in it. I've been driving it a little bit. Just to the bus stop and back. But I feel close to him in the car. It calms me.

 

Got my tattoo all picked out for him. Just waiting until I get my finances under control. Being a stay at home mom, to suddenly being the only one here, has been a struggle.

 

Right now the loneliness is kicking in. I don't miss sex so much, as the cuddles and closeness. Just being with him. He always slept shirtless. And a lot of nights he would pull the back of my tank top up so he could feel our skin touching. And I miss that so damn much. It was calming, and felt safe.

 

I found a video that I can hear him talking in. It's from when he called a radio show. And it both made me laugh and cry. I remember that night well. But I miss his voice.

[Julester3]

I still have my husband's car. I didn't initially like it that much but I don't mind so much now. Totally get you on the sleeping thing. Sleep is still hard but I work on tiring myself out so I can get some sleep. Hugs to you! Take a moment at a time and process one issue at a time.

[SalvationsDying]

My dd asked me to get down dhs urn so she could hug it. I did. And broke down. My 2 year old comforted me. This isn't how it should be. I should be the one comforting them.

 

 

[SalvationsDying]

He wore a leather bikers vest daily. I got it for him as a wedding gift. He had it on the day of the accident. He loved it . The hospital had to cut it off him. I plan on having it fixed.

 

I had a rare night where our 5 year old didn't sleep in my bed. And I cuddled it all night. I still slept like shit. But idk, I just feel a little better with it.