O.T just be a listening therapist to me

[Sugarbell]

Have no one to share this with...not NG..not any friends..it's just my mess that's been a part of my life in a tiny town. I moved back to my hometown last summer...I had not lived here as a professional adult since I was 23. The town suffocated me..I got migraines in high school..on the surface I was popular..but I isolated big time. My Mom was a well known high school teacher...she had a long term love affair with my high school principal. When I was 15 I caught them..I found love letters..I told my Dad.

 

It's the only time in my life I ever saw him cry. Supposedly it was over..it wasn't. I used to see this principal when I lived in the city in my 20s snooping around where I lived. Like he wanted to check on me. My Mother adored him..my Dad hated him. I was in the middle playing therapist to both. It was a nightmare..high school was a living hell for me.

 

Before we moved back I made peace with all my demons. He retired..went on to serve on numerous educational boards, win national awards, stayed with his wife..still loved my Mom.

 

I never discussed it after high school. My Mom is a good person..my Dad is a good person. Her affair shattered my heart and the way I looked at relationships, people...It took me 45 years to make total peace with it. So I moved back..

His wife died 6 months ago.

 

He died suddenly 5 days ago. FB was blowing up on my alumni page..everyone saying how amazing he was. He was a good principal-our high school is still one of the best in the state. I moved back here for the opportunities for my kids.

 

He died. It's over. I worry about how my Mom is handling her very private grief..I worry about my Dad. I feel like it's high school again 30 years later. I didn't get a job in the county we live in teaching..I work a County away. I had ironically forgotten that i made a promise to myself that I would never teach school in my hometown until that man died. I moved back and made my peace..and he died.

He never apologized to me for anything. He was coy and cocky and wanted desperately when I was first out of college to get me a job.

That's why I could never live in my hometown.

I'm feeling weird..half sad..half angry..half still having flashbacks. I've dealt with this (knowing the affair was going on since I was 10..but never told my Dad till I was 15).

 

it's over..thanks for listening.

[sojourner]

Listening to what you're expressing.

[Julester3]

Wow what a heavy burden that has been for you for so long! Hugs!

[Portside]

Ugh.

 

Wow Sugarbell. Prayers for all involved. What a weight on you it must have been/is.

 

Mike

[nextchapter]

That is tough for all involved, please remember your Mom and Dad also have no one to talk about it with. I doubt either one will discuss it with you, just be there for them. I know NG is from somewhere close by, not sure why you can not discuss it with him? That is what is great about this group any one can share concerns. Once everyone gets a little further out, hopefully this will disappear from everyone's radar.

 

Wishing you Peace.

[Mizpah]

Oh gosh.  That's huge.  Do your parents still live in that town?  Wow.  Consider yourself listened to.  Thinking of little 10-year-old you.  How unfair for you.  Big shadows over things.  Wow.  xoxo

[Sugarbell]

THanks for validating my feelings. Yes, my folks have lived in this town since the 1960's..in the same house. The thing is..most folks didn't know about them..many spectulated..or thought...but never knew for absolute sure. I did. It was my secret..My Dad knew because I told him. I shut myself off to many friends in high school (kept them only at the surface) for this reason (except my best friend who died from cancer a few years ago). I never discussed it. I could've had both of them fired.

 

THat's why I left..it was too big of a burden. I found myself when I left. When I decided to move back it was one of those issues that I had to make peace with. My folks are now in their 70's and 80's as were the other couple (who are now deceased)--His daughter was a teacher in our county..I actually subbed at her school a lot last year. We have never discussed it. I have no idea how much or what she knew.

 

I can't talk about it. NG-Have no idea if he ever heard anything (this was 30 years ago when I caught them)--When this principal died on Friday..they had the entire stadium stand for a moment of silence in his memory before the game. I intentionally came to the game late to avoid that part. I don't want him judging my Mom or anyone in my family (he wouldn't)--but it seems silly to bring it up now. He's now dead. I can teach now in my home county. It's lifted off of me..

 

I was always torn between admiring this man for his work as an educator...and yet hating him for his lack of character and phoniness. My Dad did not go to college..he always felt my Mom felt he wasn't "good enough" because he wasn't educated. My Mom put herself through college..I admire her for her dedication..Yet always resented the fact that "we" (my brother, me and Dad) weren't enough.

 

Honestly, I wish my folks would've gotten divorced 30 years ago. It would've been less confusing to me. I used to feel "dirty" when I was 10 because I "knew" but didn't know for sure. I felt bad that I had those suspicions. My daughter is now 10...my oldest is almost 15..the age I was when I officially found out.

 

I want my high schooler to be light and enjoy high school. I never did.

 

Just needed to type it out and get these thoughts out of my head. I figured it was safe here..I exposed many of my dark secrets on this and the old board.. (drug addiction, etc)--Actually I feel better today "telling" someone. Thank  you guys.

[hachi]

Oh SB,

 

This rings home for me and I so feel what you are going through. I was fifteen. My mom, whom I adored came to me with a letter to give to my dad. She wanted me to give it to him. After 23 years and 6 kids, she was leaving. She said that he didn't love her.

 

How I wanted to hate her. I felt burdened, confused, angry... so many things. But somehow, deep down I knew that she was right. She had hung in there for years.

 

I just recently visited my father in FL for a couple of days. He is 87. Tired and getting ready to call it a day. (Euphenism of course)

 

He is still trying to figure out why she left. After being married again to a nice lady for for 30+ years. He asked me. I can't tell him. I feel bad for my step mother. Why does the heart go on yearning for what it wants even though it is hopeless. (IE my heart wants my husband...)

 

I don't know how to comfort you, except to say that I know what the pain of being a young girl, holding the secrets of adults.

[twin_mom]

No words of advice, I just want you to know you were heard. It sucks carrying others secrets.

[jeudi]

Hugs to you Sugarbell.

 

In reading this my heart really goes out to you and also to your father. I guess, were this me and my father, I would want to make sure that he had someone to talk to about his feelings pertaining to this. Do you think that might be an issue you could involve yourself in? I wonder if talking to your Dad might ease the burden you feel.

 

I am sad for you that your young life was so greatly and negatively affected by your Mom's behavior.

 

So complicated...

 

BTW- my father died when I was 18 and as I have lived my life I find there are things I wish I could have known about him- his feelings about things- and although I know I was too young in my life to have had many meaningful discussions with him when he was alive (he was still hard core parenting me when i was 18 so there was less of a warm friendship paradigm with him than what could have evolved.)  I know how my relationship with my Mom strengthened as I grew older and had open conversations with her about her thoughts and feelings. Granted my parents didn't have  an issue such as this to deal with but I strongly believe our parents are still human beings and worth an effort to know on a deeper level. I am a person who strives to get to the core of things and that colors my ideas... I find peace in knowing and try to open my heart to all sorts of things in order to be more fully informed about the people I love.

 

Something, maybe, to think about.

[Sugarbell]

Thank you all.

 

It's strange..it's only been 12 days and now nothing. No one has said anything..it's like "poof" he's gone. Coming from the side of grief..we all know how when our spouses died everyone was there remembering everything..

 

Then they left and that was it. For me in my situation-I feel about 90 percent better. It stung for about 4 or 5 days..

 

Then left. I haven't discussed it with my parents..I doubt I ever will. I would be happy if his name was never mentioned again. I could tell when it first happened..after I got back from being out of town my Dad was waiting on me to say something. I couldn't. It cuts too deep with me even still. I talked ALOT to my Dad in high school about it. I just can't anymore-he's finally gone. Nor will I talk to my Mom. Things are good between my folks and I now..and not sure that's the healthiest thing-but it's just something I can't do.

 

He only saw my oldest son and I once after we moved back..he's on our local school board and the 2 winners of a History award at the high school were recognized. I didn't recognize him he was old and frail and walking with a walker.

Someone posted on our high school Alumni page him speaking at our high school graduation..that's how I always remembered him. At that graduation he made himself look busy when I walked across the stage because I refused to shake his hand and shook the assistant principals instead. No one noticed except my Dad.

 

He knew my loyalty was always with him...even with 3000 people watching I wouldn't do it.

 

I'm really just grateful my children ( who know nothing of this) will never run into him then accidentally blurt out to my parents how they ran into the former high school principal.

 

Thank you all again for letting me get this off my chest. It just feels good to be heard.s

 

[Abitlost]

SB,

 

What a horrible position for you to be in -- both in your youth and adulthood! Having to carry the burden of that secret for so many years must have been draining. I hope now you can breathe a little easier.

 

Hugs,

 

abl

[Sugarbell]

I am replying to this a year later....maybe just to get the thoughts out of my head..Maybe I didn't realize exactly how traumatic the whole thing was in high school for me.

 

I am now teaching at my own high school...its an entirely different staff/administration. I love my job. I love my students and the people I work with. My oldest son is at the school-it is a great fit for my family.  I only live 2 minutes from the school. But the flashbacks- well they are there..I really didn't think they would be. It's not anything debilitating, but I catch my mind wandering.

 

In high school I started having severe headaches, I withdrew from my old friends (i only kept close contact with my one friend who I confided in, but she died a few years ago to cancer)--Since moving back I have reconnected with some of those old friends..but I knew when I was in high school that's when my personality changed. I isolated and learned to only trust myself. I remember getting MRI's for the severe headaches..How could my Mom not see that the cause was walking into that school everyday and seeing her and my principal together. I went home and played therapist to my Dad..I was in the middle...I know other teachers had to see the change in me..I am a high school teacher now-- I see it with kids. Of course it was 30 years ago and things were different. 

 

I never told. I knew I could have him fired in a hot minute if I went to the board office..but it would also disgrace my Mom.

 

Football games-- that went my first flashback came. You see football games (I was a twirler in the band in high school)--It was the only place that My Mom , my Dad and the principal were all together in a public place..My Dad always said he was going to kill him. I remember being sick at football games afraid some scene would take place.

 

It never did. My Dad held it together. 

 

I was able to go through my old files from high school in the storage room (before computers)--My standardized test scores were in the 90th percentile as an entering freshmen...By my Senior year they had dropped to 40th percentile. I remember sleeping through those tests. I remember sleeping through the ACT.

 

How the hell I graduated and made it in college I don't know..I made it because I left. Now I am back..he's dead..I am where I am supposed to be..I just ran from those demons, never had therapy and am realizing now that damn...adolescent trauma can mess with a person. 

 

Im ok..I just have to get these thoughts out. This is the safest place. NG doesn't know. He knows I won't go to football games (I went to one and left)- But doesn't really know why..Just told him it had nothing to do with him or anything and to just leave it. He has..I just can't go there. I am pretty closed mouth IRL about deep rooted stuff.

 

This is deep rooted. Thanks for just letting me type this out. It's not widda related..Just have to get this outta my head. 

[sudnlysngl]

Sugerbell I'm so sorry! That's so messed up what our parents do to us not thinking how it f**king stays with us for the rest of our lives. 

 

I'm happy to see you say that your ok, cause girl I'm not! I guess I should say that differently, I'm not postal or anything like that, but I am totally isolating myself, I'm so hurt that I let such an asshole into my life that stole everything I had, and caused me to have to sell my home I had with my dh so I could survive now.

 

None of the people from my past, including my siblings have come back into my life since my dh died 11.5 yrs ago. My best friend can't , she died, but the others, well no reason, they just decided I don't exist anymore either....I did the counseling and all that crap, and just don't think I can take anymore, ya know?

 

Just want you to know I get what you mean about parents screwing us up, cause my mom was abusive to me big time, then all of this. Proud of you, cause I remember when we joined.

[PaulZ]

Hi Sugarbell, this is an incredibly difficult situation you were put in.  Your father must have really loved you and your mother to have stayed with her.  I have felt wronged by other relationships in my past (not as extreme as this situation), and know that holding on to bad feelings for another person(s) can really eat you up inside.  Forgiveness can seem impossible in hurtful situations such as this, but in my experience, it was the only thing that brought me peace when I felt I had been wronged in family relationships.  I hope you can make peace with yourself over a situation that you were unfairly put in and was beyond your control. Young people should never have to deal with such heavy burdens.  Hugs