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Redcat

Getting married

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Hi all.  I would like some input.  I am getting married next year and my fiance and I plan to have a very small intimate wedding with just our immediate family and close friends.  My late husband's sister is wanting to know the date and if she can help.  I was not planning to invite my late husband's family.  Lots of drama with that family and would add too many to the head count.  Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you handle it?  Thank you.

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Hi, Redcat.

 

I just went back and read your post from May. It seems that your late husband’d family has not been as friendly or accepting as you might like. I don’t feel that you have any obligation to them to inform them of your plans or include them, either.

 

Perhaps you can tell her that you don’t have extensive plans for your ceremony that would require assistance, and that chances are you will do something fairly spontaneously when the time comes. Maybe you can give her the impression you might elope. Then if she finds out after the fact that you had an intimate event for close family and friends, you can tell her that you waffled a bit and moved forward without much planning.

 

Best wishes for you and your fiancé.

 

Maureen

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There may be many good reasons why you don't want to invite your late husband's family, but I don't think misleading them would be the best approach.

 

'We are just keeping it a really small service' should suffice for anyone that asks.

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There may be many good reasons why you don't want to invite your late husband's family, but I don't think misleading them would be the best approach.

 

'We are just keeping it a really small service' should suffice for anyone that asks.

 

Sure. This might be the most honest option. But for manipulative individuals, one might consider other opinions.

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This is part of the reason we did not even invite friends to our wedding in September.  My mom and sister, his 3 sisters and our 5 kids. Made it easier to not have to include my inlaws, even though I have one SIL I am very close with.

 

"I appreciate your support but we are keeping things small and simple".  This may not avoid hurt feelings but it's honest.

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It is your marriage.  Do it the way you want to do it.  It might not make everyone happy but if it makes you happy, that is the only thing that matters.  Congratulations!

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Geez!  So much we have to deal with.  No one knows all the collateral damage we go through when our mate dies.  I am very sorry you have this additional stress. 

 

Like others have stated, you figure out what works for you best. 

 

I am working on not trying to please others.  It is a character flaw I have.  My MIL called to tell me they moved the big Christmas family gathering from the Sat. before Christmas (usually the weekend before) to literally the Sat. before Christmas, which is the 23rd, a Sat. night before Christmas EVE!  Well, that is not likely going to work for me and mine.  She told me NG was invited but he didn't want to go last year when invited.  And he has his kids, then. Too awkward for NG and my son stated that, too.  I know MIL will be so disappointed but I can't live my life for her and them.  It is just plain hard.

 

Good luck on your decision. Happiness to your new life you are starting!

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Thank you all for your reply and congrats.  I am dealing with manipulative people, so vagueness is the way to go.  Even then, the SIL I am talking about doesn't get a hint very well.  I have blown her off so many times; have not made any effort to see her for over a year and she just doesn't stop.  It's like one article I read about dealing with the family after losing a spouse, you are either abandoned them (that would be my FIL) or you need a restraining order.  It's as if I am the SIL's "hobby."  My late husband never liked her or her family and now I see why.  Lol.

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"Oh, I would love to help plan your wedding" = "I want to take over planning your wedding as if it were my own". It sounds like you need to be a little more direct with her.

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