The good comes with the bad.

[KrypticKat]

I will say more lately I have had more victories than loses. But even with the victories as a widow I find the consequence is that a little more of my pain is processed and has to come out.

 

I finally finished my battle with the insurance company and finally got that settled. But like I gut reflex when it was all said and done after being delayed for over a year I promptly told the insurance woman that there is a special place in hell for people like her and I hope she enjoys the ride.

 

I went back to my husband's work to share the coffee that I had named after him with his work colleagues. The amount of Joy I felt seeing them all excitedly try a coffee they knew he would have been proud of made me feel amazing. And yet I cried the entire way home knowing I wasn't going home to him.

 

I decided to try and go on a date. And I'll tell you the guy was actually quite sweet and he didn't push and he didn't question and I was able to act normal without having a nuclear meltdown. And yet I felt absolutely nothing. In fact later I spent the rest of the weekend feeling rage that I had to go through this process again when I knew exactly what I wanted and yet I could never have it again.

 

I have now settled into my new home that I've purchased. It is so me and I've decorated it to match that. Some of our belongings are back up on the wall but others have been put away into a beautiful chest I purchased so I can go back and look anytime I want. I love this little house it makes me so happy. And yet when I crawl into bed at night I still look at the empty space on the other side and go why God why? Why did you take away the one thing I would trade everything else for? And then the tears come as I go to sleep.

 

I've got so many beautiful friends and a wonderful family. I have a steady job that will suit me for now until I truly decide what I'm passionate about. I am okay in whatever sense that means when you're widowed. Cuz you are never totally okay.

 

I will always be angry that my husband died the way he did. I will always be frustrated that I was robbed of some of the greatest potential years of my life. I will always question how and why I have suffered through the last year. I am grateful for the knowledge and wisdom I have now. An understanding of the world I could not have gotten any other way and yet I would happily trade it back for the ignorance of my life before all this happened. Even though I have a greater appreciation for life than I ever thought possible I would hand it away like a hot potato if it meant I could have back the ignorance of plodding through my wonderful life with my dear husband. But the world doesn't always give you what you want. So you try to find the new good but it always seems to come with this extra pain as you move forward. I hope one day this pain will lif. That last little bit that's been suffocating me. It gets lighter but I'll tell you right now I want off this f****** crazy bus my life has become.

[hachi]

Even though I have a greater appreciation for life than I ever thought possible I would hand it away like a hot potato if it meant I could have back the ignorance of plodding through my wonderful life with my dear husband.

 

I wonder if we will always feel this way. I try hard to be grateful and to live in the present now, more than ever. But I feel much the same. It's that lost innocence.

[MR]

I am little more than 1 year out but have noticed that the anger has gone down. My believe on some of the things I use to do considering god has shaken but still believe god. Hopefully this feeling of emptiness will go away or reduce but only time will tell. Good thing is that now I am trying to find or discover or reinvent myself .

 

Hugs

Manoj