Just looking for other people's thoughts.

[KrypticKat]

I'll try to keep it short. My in-laws had a scholarship made out in my husband's name. It briefly describes his life and towards the bottom mentions his close bond with this mother, brothers and niece. It uses a photo from right before we met and no where does it mention that he was a happily married man. I found out by accident during the summer it had even been made. My husband would be so sad that his memory doesn't acknowledge his whole life. It bothers me but I kept quiet because I just didn't want a fight on my hands. But it still lingers in the back of my mind. So I ask you: what would you do? Would you contact the school just to express the disappointment? Would you just let it go? I'm sure as hell not going to go tell the nut bars in his family that made it how disappointed I am. The last thing I want to do is talk to them after all the other toxic things they have done.

 

Just  wondering because I'm sitting here staring the the college phone number and thinking...maybe?

[Toosoon2.0]

That must be very hard; I can understand how upended you felt upon realizing all of this.  That being said, I would probably just leave it be.  I am not sure you will get the comfort or closure you're looking for from the college.  I say this as a widow who set up two of those kinds of scholarships and also as a jaded member of a university community. 

 

Stuff like this used to drive me BAT SHIT CRAZY. My husband was something of a figure in this town at one time because of his "provocative" artwork.  About 3 years after he died, my sister in law took an image of one of his sculptures and made it the logo for her consignment store that she named "Resurrected Consignments" (do not even get me started on that).  I wasn't asked, no one considered I might not want an image of that sculpture emblazoned everywhere, nor frankly would my husband have wanted his sculpture to be used to advertise for used clothing or anything else for that matter.....I was irate at the time but I let it wash over me and let it go.  Its still there, that sign with his sculpture, over her store.  I just don't drive down that street.  I just do not engage it.  I will certainly never set foot in there.  Her issues, not mine.  In the end I just decided it wasn't worth it.    More than you asked for but my 2 cents.  Hugs. 

[Euf]

I would just let it go, even though I understand how upsetting it must be.

 

It might make you feel better to call the school, but they haven’t done anything wrong. It was set up by his parents and the school accepted it as being given from them. The school would not be able to change the wording even if they felt you were wronged.

 

You know the inlaws and you would know if this was done simply in spite, or if because as your you lost a husband and experience the grief that comes with that, they lost a son/brother and have their own grief. If you don’t think it was done simply to be mean, I’d assume that in their grief and sorrow, they only thought of their loss.

 

If it was done to specifically exclude you, I’m always of the opinion that it is better revenge to not react when someone is trying to make me angry.

 

[KrypticKat]

@Euf I think you are so right. That's the approach I've taken from the start when this inappropriate behavior began. Just be silent. It was definitely done on purpose. I've heard so from other family. My mother in law had mental health issues prior to my husbands passing and the loss has only amplified things. She doesn't take stock or see other peoples views very often. I recognize they have their own grief and as a result early on I tried to give them things of my husbands that I thought would help them connect. She chose to then run around telling everyone I never loved my husband and that I was giving his things away. Then she followed it up with calling me to ask for more belongings. Then ran around telling everyone I was keeping 'her baby's' belonging from her. I could give my flesh and blood and she would cry out I didn't give her the bone.

 

I know staying silent is probably the best move but I'm sure you can understand why there is this little voice in my head crying out 'this isn't right!". I will have to find other ways to honor the memory of my husband and the whole of his life. I'm sure you can understand why it would be hard to see his life remembered with a big gaping hole in it. He has a lovely group of friends that adored him and a wife that would do anything for him and yet you'd never know in that memorial.

 

 

[Euf]

I know staying silent is probably the best move but I'm sure you can understand why there is this little voice in my head crying out 'this isn't right!". I will have to find other ways to honor the memory of my husband and the whole of his life. I'm sure you can understand why it would be hard to see his life remembered with a big gaping hole in it. He has a lovely group of friends that adored him and a wife that would do anything for him and yet you'd never know in that memorial.

 

I do understand why it's hard to let it go.  But those that know her probably know "how she is" and it is her loss that so much of who her son was, and who was important to him, is something she excludes from her life and her memories of him.

 

(((Hugs)))

[Trying]

Grief can make the crazy even crazier!  It's awful that they chose to essentially end the memory of his life at the time before he met you.  As hurtful as it is I would agree with the others and just stay silent about it, well at least to them and the school.  You can scream to the moon here and we will hold this space for you.  You know who you were to each other and that's what really matters.  Try your best to block yourself from the whole thing.  Other than that, grab some old dishes you can throw if you need to let it out.

[KrypticKat]

@Trying. Funny you should mention smashing glass. But as at gift one night my friends took me to a rage room. If you've never heard of this before it's literally a room where you can put on any music you want,you put on body armor and they give you bats and crowbars and a whole bunch of stuff to smash. Anything from plates to jugs to ugly figurines to computer stuff. I spent a whole hour in there taking my out my wife rage over all the crap that's happened to me and I'm not going to lie it was better than any therapy session, any massage or any night drinking wine in a bathtub with a container of Haagen-Dazs ice cream. What I'm saying is for anyone who's got a lot of pent-up energy and rage from the b******* they've had to deal with I highly recommend it.

[kjs1989]

KrypticKat,

 

Brutal. I get it. But yep, I think the best course of action is to let it go. The university merely used your in-laws' memorial statement  I am sure. That is how it worked for me when I set up an entrepreneurial scholarship in D's name through his alma mater.

 

As far as confronting the inlaws, probably best to let that go, too. I speak from personal experience of being slighted, gossiped about, and undermined again and again by D's brother and wife who were seemingly there for me in the beginning, until I lost trust in them having my best interest through all of their "helpfulness,"

 

At first I reacted to their undercutting emotionally and in all out anger. In hindsight, that just made them up their game and hurtful behavior. It has been really, really hard to not want to lash out when the occasional subtle transgression still occurs, but I have learned to just let it go and vent to my best friend who gets it because she knows them. Works for me and allows me the strength to leave the kids out of it.

 

Certainly crap we don't need.  Ugh.

 

 

[jeudi]

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Your in-laws did something rotten here when they could have been lovely and loving. it hurts my heart to understand, yet again, that people can sometimes really suck.

 

As you think of this scholarship you get that when the world reads about it or when it is given to some deserving person they don't get the entire picture of your husbands life and what was meaningful to him and your place in his life. All of this information should be there because it is the truth.

 

As I continue on with my life without my DH I get stabbed now and then. He was a zoologist and because people love animals and there is an entire TV channel devoted to animals I see his colleagues get air time on their research/work and sometimes these are projects he worked on as well. I see people that I've hosted for dinner and a free bed getting jobs and doing projects he would have loved to have had. He has been gone for 15 years and is virtually forgotten. But not by everyone.

 

I hold all of this in my heart. Our daughter holds this in her heart. There are a few other close friends of his and mine who get it as well. Usually it is someone deeper than average or someone who has also lost someone they suffer to live without. This is our special role in this world...that we get this particular brand of sorrow. It might not define us but it is certainly a part of us.

 

You have gotten good advice about the in-laws. I just want you to know that I hear you, that I understand. It sucks. It will always suck. It isn't everything, it's not even the worst part of your loss but I do-so-completely-get-this.

 

Without him having been a part of your life you wouldn't have to feel this crapfeeling. I try to gain something from this. I have a widow friend who has the following tattoo on her foot-

 

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

 

Sometimes she will wear sandals and cross her legs and present this to the clueless who seem never to miss an opportunity to say something stupid.

 

Love her!

 

Keep on keeping on.

 

xoxo

 

Judy

[kjs1989]

KK,

 

The more I have thought about your post the more it has taken me back to my own situation with D's brother and wife. His parents have been gone for many years so I don't have that to deal with, but I often wonder if my situation would be even worse because D's  mother was very "blood-centric" so to speak when it came to family. It was often apparent in the subtle things she would say that daughter-in-laws really weren't  "family." That attitude trickled down a bit to D's brother, who told a mutual friend that since I wasn't a (married name) I should not have the family business in my hands.( D bought him out many years ago so he could pursue other career goals) So, having said that, I have to wonder what he thinks that makes his own wife?

 

Anyway, so many things have gone down I could write a book. After the funeral and the memorial funds were in the bank in a special account,  I took a considerable amount of time talking to foundations, conservation groups, and his alma mater trying to figure out the best course of action for two scholarships. After some time, BIL told me people were talking that I was not using the memorial funds as intended. I found out through a friend that HE was the one spreading that rumor.

 

Oh, I could go on. Just tip of the iceberg.

 

I found the best way to handle the crap was to counter their gossip  by being  beyond reproach, honoring D to the best of my ability and including my kids in the process. When the scholarships were eventually established a press release  was issued and I KNOW they saw it.

 

I think what you mentioned about finding a way to honor your husband yourself is the best way to go. Is there any way you can establish some sort of memorial or small scholarship yourself? It doesnt have to be a huge thing. Maybe friends will help you. It would give you back a sense of autonomy and control.

 

 

[KrypticKat]

@kjs1989 ,

 

I did find a way to memorialize him. I had a coffee named after him by his favorite coffee roaster. We were working towards opening our own café one day and the last thing he wrote on my chalk board was about our café. Coffee was his obsession. I am by no means in a place where I could open a café right now. Maybe one day. But this was the first step.

 

It's named after him and there's a whole write up online about him and his passion for coffee and life. I even got to take it back to his work and serve it to his workmates. It was such a terrific day and they absolutely loved it. His mother on the other hand was quite back handed when she found out. "Oh how lovely...it would have been nice if his immediate family had known." She posted that on Facebook. I never was told about the scholarship until it was already out so I found this very hypocritical for her to make a comment like that. I also found out through the grapevine that she believed the coffee was pointless and only the scholarship mattered. Like it's a pissing match about who misses him more. No one's grief is allowed to be bigger than hers. The funny thing is I never wanted and or have ever competed with her when it comes to him. I have always felt secure in my love and relationship with my husband. I have only done what he asked in the matter of his death and honored his memory. I walk away without guilt knowing that. Both of our losses are great but you cannot compare them. There is no point to that. I feel sorry she is in such pain. What I won't tolerate though is being bullied at the expense of it.

[kjs1989]

How great to have coffee named after him. That is perfect.

 

Again, I can relate to the hypocrisy you mentioned. I have had that going on, too. Accusing me of lack of communication but then not returning my calls for days. And the passive aggressive behavior was so over the top that even my attorney (ultra professional at all times and never disparages anyone) noticed and mentioned it.

 

Helps to vent. Hang in there!