News just getting worse

[Amycamp0909]

Hello

I am a new member and up til now have just been quietly lurking. My husband of almost 15 yrs died at age 43 from what they told me was a heart attack. His father was 47 when he passed. Heart disease was in his family. He never took good enough care of himself and it was not for lack of me trying.  So his cause of death was not a shock.

Six month prior to his death he went into rehab for opioid addiction. It was a huge battle in our relationship for many many years. But I always stuck by him. He was 6 months clean when he passed. I was so proud of him.

Yesterday the coroner called and said there were opioids in his system. He had relapsed. I am crushed. I am hurt, embarrassed for all the fighting I did for him with my family. I am mad. And I am even more torn apart for my two sons, 11 and 9yrs. Bill had a disease. I truly believe opioid addiction is just that. But it just brings a whole new slew of feelings to his death. I miss him. But I am also so mad at him. Why after 6months did he go back to using? We had so many talks. I said, your heart will not be able to take it if you relapse. And i was right. I’m just broken. And in a whole new way.

[Laura1017]

I know your pain all too well, Amycamp.  My husband battled addiction as well and I too thought he was sober when he died.  Things were finally turning around for him and he seemed optimistic about life.  He died in a car accident.  The state troopers and medics on the scene swore to me that he was not impaired.  They said they'd seen so many crashes that they "just know" in these circumstances (ha!).  Three months later the toxicology report showed alcohol in his system and I was crushed all over again.  I, like you, see addiction as an often fatal disease.  I know many don't agree with this idea, but when you live with addiction firsthand and see the power it has, the idea that they "chose" to use is absurd.  Addiction is just as much a disease as heart disease, though I know the anger and pain and confusion and shame and plethora of feelings involved.  There is a section on this board called "Other Circumstances" where you can read posts from so many wonderful, caring people who have been down this path and will offer you comfort.  The only advice I have is what all the wise widows and widowers before me gave: be gentle with yourself.  It hurts.  It sucks.  It will get better.  There does come a point when the how and why doesn't shape things as much and you can focus more on the good times and memories.  Sending you big hugs. 

[beth_krkswidow]

So so sorry amycamp. So sorry.

Sending hugs